Not sure I’m cut out to be a stepfather
I have been the stepfather of my 16 year old stepdaughter for 5 years. Following years of attempting to bond with her, and regular hurtful kickbacks, I felt I was finally getting somewhere, when, out of the blue, she goes and gets into an intense relationship with a first boyfriend, spending every available moment either out with him, or on her phone to him.
I realise that this is normal behaviour for a 16 year old girl, but I cannot help feeling devastated - this guy has got much closer to her in a matter of 5 weeks than I ever got despite 5 years of trying. No matter how hard I try to change my mindset to the situation, I cannot help feeling inadequate, and a bit of a failure (partly because of my reaction to this). Is it likely that these feelings will subside over time, or this something that i’m going to have to contend with until she eventually leaves the nest?
Don’t be so hard on yourself.
Don’t be so hard on yourself. You have helped raise her. She is hormone-ing out with her first love. Get her ass on the pill, advise, mentor and discipline as necessary and keep parenting in partnership with your wife.
Hang in there and good luck.
Thanks Rags - I do intend to
Thanks Rags - I do intend to hang in there, and thanks for pointing out that I have helped raise her. Having had absolutely nothing to do with children until i’d turned 50, I suppose it’s understandable that I am finding these emotions difficult to contend with. Thanks again for your straight talking - it’s what I need.
It is always a challenge to
It is always a challenge to take another person's child into your home and raise them. I struggled with it early in my 24+ and counting year marriage to my SS-26's mom.
It was almost a visceral reaction to the presence of another man's child in my space. I think that it is inherently a mammalian characteristic.. at least for some mammals... to be intolerant of a predecessors spawn. Kind of like when a new male lion takes over a pride and eliminates the young progeny of the predecessor in order to focus resources on his own spawn.
My first, and only, kid experience started at 30yo. So though not 50 as you were when this all started for you I was old enough to have to play catch up on the parenting and kid understanding thing.
The good news is that when they launch it will be just you and your bride. We have had a great time since our son launched when he was 18. The three of us remain very close and in fact have grown closer as he has progressed into adulthood though it was touch and go for much of his teen years as to weather or not he would survive. Fortunately for him though one of the other of us was always ready to strangle him the other was willing to give him just one more day. So ... he made it to 18 ... by the skin of his brain farting teen boy teeth. He enlisted in the USAF when he was 18 to avoid any more time as our live in chore-bitch/beck-and-call boy after he graduated from HS and had his 18th b-day. He has completed 7 years and he says his current plan is to do 20yrs, retire at 38yo and then move into a private sector career. He is one year into a 3yr assignment in Germany and is have a great time. He will hear about whether or not he will get his promotion to E-6 in the next few months if I am not mistaken on my understanding of the timing of these things. He tested a few months ago.
His mom and I are very proud of him.
Relax, have fun... though painful now these things will all be funny stories that the three of you will recount in a few short years.
Good luck.
Sounds like you have come out
Sounds like you have come out of a difficult period and are now in a good place. Stories like yours give us all hope, Rags, thank you. I am so pleased I posted on this forum!
A good outcome can happen if
A good outcome can happen if you and your bride are true equity life partners and equity parents to any children in your home regardless of kid biology.
A good outcome can happen if
A good outcome can happen if you and your bride are true equity life partners and equity parents to any children in your home regardless of kid biology.
Don’t worry. It’s not about
Don’t worry. It’s not about you. It’s her first love. Also don’t try so hard to get close to her. You might actually get what you’re asking for and you could regret it. Keep them at an arms length.
Thanks for your response
Thanks for your response Areyou - yes, I have taken a step back recently, but will still be there for her if she needs me.
Nature vs Nurture... Nuture usually wins
She'll come around. Sixteen is a tough age; been there with a SD, and you'll survive it. She just isn't mature enough to understand how hard life is and completely appreciate the little things (and big things) that were consistently there along the way. Chin up, parent on. Sounds like with a little patience that you've got this. Best of luck to you.