PTSD stepparent
My husband of 2 years has PTSD and just told me that he strongly dislikes my adult son of 27 who is studying (after he decided that the job he had was making him miserable) lives with his partner in another country but comes to visit from time to time. He can be a little chaotic, doesn't always do chores immediately and surprises us with longer stays or visits of his friends a few minutes before they arrive. He had agreed to look after our pets for a long weekend at our home and decided to stay another week without us knowing about it. After our return, my husband scolded him for not finishing certain things, for not changing the cat's water, etc. My son defended himself - of course - and said he didn't want to be called a liar as he had taken good care of the animals, admitted to not doing everything at home due to homework.
This aggravates my Hubbi to the point that he wants to go on a trip or to a hotel whenever my son and his fiancée show up. He reaffirmed his intention to leave and said he had to look after himself, after his well-being. It hurts to see that my dream of a family just vanished. My son is willing to make changes and will finish his studies next year.
I am scared of the coming months and don't know whether I am strong enough to endure all of this. And then I am telling myself that the situation will get better after my son has his BA and starts a whole new life on his own. I love both of them in different ways and don't wanna lose either. :? What can I do? Of course, Hubbi doesn't think that professional help is necessary, he has made up his mind and that's it! Thanks for any good tip!
Dear Sally, Thank you so much
Dear Sally,
Thank you so much for your reply. Guess letting go is so hard as we spent so many years together, just the two of us (against the world - not really, but I thought it sounded good :-). There certainly is no fatherly bond between, but is my husband right in accusing immediately and in talking to my son as if he was still in basic training? That's what's bugging me too. The tone!
Here in Europe, we do not make kids - even adult kids - stay at hotels, so that will be hard to understand for both of us. As for the fixed dates, yes, that's true, he has to tell us at least a few days in advance. I just have to make it clear to him that he is a guest from now on.
What's to negotiate? The DH
What's to negotiate? The DH has said the next time SS27 arrives on his doorstep that DH will leave for the weekend (hotel or travel). The guy didn't say the SS27 could never ever come again. He said HE would not be there. He doesn't want to deal with the SS and obviously it upsets him to watch the SS be a lousy house guess.
The SS over stays his welcome. He brings his GF. He invites his friends to come over. He doesn't do whatever simple tasks asked of him while there.....yeah, sounds like a wonderful adult house guest that every man or woman who is not his parent would want to put up with (or as you suggest, negotiate :? )
Yeah, Sally's right. I really
Yeah, Sally's right. I really should pass on by your comments when you get on one of your ridiculous kicks.
Does it matter who owns the house? Again...now read carefully...the DH didn't say the adult SS couldn't come. He said HE wouldn't be home for the visit. Are you really seriously going to advocate for an adult child who can't even manage to water a cat when he drops by and infringes on his mother's home (with his GF, his friends, and his unannounced non-permissioned extended stays). WHERE did the OP give the indication that the DH said anything whatsoever about 'the kid or me'? He said HE will just go to a hotel or on a trip.
Oh, and by the way, it's incredibly rude and lazy to not take care of a cat one said they would indeed take care of. Especially when you arrive with gang in tow and take advantage of your mother's generosity.
@foreverstacey: Annoying? I
@foreverstacey:
Annoying? I don't agree with that, at least in my opinion he's not. Spoilt yes, that may be a good term and I am ready to take the blame for that. But you know, after his BF died when he was barely 15, the attention he got was a little much! Looking back, it's easier to see it than back in those days.
To all of you, thanks! I own
To all of you, thanks!
I own the house - but consider that it belongs to the two of us - and my Hubbi left his 2 sons from a previous marriage behind as they are in college. However, he is retired, I am working and I need to work another 13 years before retirement! Correct, nobody told me to choose between one or the other and DH would not do that.
Just a detail, but an important one: though I do agree that BS27 is quite the postponing guy, he did take care of the cat as told, but DH thought he hadn't and attacked him verbally on this. Nobody likes being
Thanks for telling me he is a guest, I never saw it from that point of view. He was most of all my only son... the only thing I am scared of is my own weakness when it comes to him. That may be the most difficult task in this story.
Poppy, seems to me that
Poppy, seems to me that something else is going on here. Is your husband the type to get upset about most things, or just things pertaining to your son? Seems odd to me that he would get so upset about water for the cat, to the point that he refuses to be at the house if your son visits.
I had teens and step teens that were supposed to care for the house and pets while we were gone a couple days at a time and I would get upset if I came back to dead flowers because the flowers were never watered but I didn't yell or make threats/demands.
Perhaps getting to the bottom of how your husband feels might be an option. I know I did refuse to stay in my own house when my husband's dad would pop in on us but the man was rude, he stunk, he wanted to drink with my husband, he was lazy and wanted to be waited on so for me it was a hardship. Perhaps it wasn't about the water but more about how your husband sees your son and perhaps if those things were addressed with son, maybe things could work out better for you all.
My DH has PTSD. He didn't
My DH has PTSD. He didn't think he needed help either. But they do. But as for your son coming for visits and staying longer than he says or inviting people over with out asking if you mind that has to stop. Yes he's a grown man, but it's still yours and DH's house and he needs to be respectful of both you and DH. However, DH also needs to be respectful that you have a son who you love and do not want to cut out of your life. There can be a happy middle ground for all three of you. DH running away every time BS comes to visit isn't part of that. My advice is talk to both. You have to put your foot down with BS and tell him that him being an adult is no excuse to treat our house like your own personal getaway lodge, and you have to tell DH, your ptsd no excuse for not wanting my son to visit his mother. You knew he existed before we married. I love you both and don't want to live with out one or the other. Men with PTSD who refuse to get help tend to be very one sided, and you have to make him see your side.
Sally and Evil
Sally and Evil stepmonster!
Your comments and tips have made me feel better. I will try to let go more and more although it's not easy. But hey, time heals the wounds. Thank you so much for showing me I am not the only one having these problems. As to PTSD...that's a very sensitive subject. We'll get help ASAP!
Poppy
This is sad situation. I do
This is sad situation. I do not understand a situation where a man and woman would not partner to address this type of problem within their marriage.
If your DS-27 needs some behavioral adjustment then as his mom provide him with the adjustment.
From what you have shared there is nothing that should drive your husband to the extreme he is going to with this seemingly insignificant and notably fabricated issue with your DS. Other than feeling guilty about leaving his own university aged children I think that the PTSD may be a big part of this issue.
In would suggest that getting your DH some help and participating in that counseling with him that this may be an improvable issue.
Like your son I ended one career and returned to university to study for another. I did not finish my BS until I was 30. One thing that was a constant was the moral support and love of my parents. Your DS is close to finishing his studies and he will be a part of your life for the rest of yours. Your DHs son's should also be a part of his life for the rest of his life. You should work on these issues as partners so that you and DH can continue your lives together.
This situation has to be difficult for both your DH and your DS. DS lost his dad at 15 and your home is his childhood home and the home he spent his teens and young adulthood in. This home has a lot of emotional value to your DS and probably some baggage and ghosts that your DH is struggling with.
Maybe it is time to consolidate your lives into a new home so that your DH can feel vested in the marriage, your DS can move on to his adult life, and all of you including your SS's can maybe have a shot at a drama free relationship.
Just some thoughts.
Good luck.