2 of everything = Awesome....WTF are we teaching?
So I find it so irritating that Skids are trained to think that being divorced is the coolest thing ever! Why? Why? WHY? Giving them two of everything and using that as a crutch for dealing with divorce. My parents divorced when I was elementary age and I never talked about it because I was embarrassed and ashamed. Skids today go around announcing it to all their friends and anyone who will listen "I GET TWO CHRISTMASES, EASTERS, ETC. YAY YAY YAY!"
I understand trying to be sympathetic to children, emotionally, but to make them believe that Divorce is AWESOME is wrong! I may get flamed for this but... is it so bad to make a child aware of the stigma and let them know that it sucks and shouldn't be something to strive for or be seen as a positive thing?
My parents didn't spoil the crap out of me, compete with each other, or talk badly about the other. My dad worked out of the country months at a time and I only got to talk to him by phone every once in a while. I saw him mostly in the summer only. I have excellent relationships with both my parents.
Hmmmmmm. I have never met a
Hmmmmmm. I have never met a kid of divorce who thinks its awesome. And there is nothing wrong to have a xmas at my home then my son to have an xmas at his dads home. It goes with divorce.
I haven't either. Kids who
I haven't either. Kids who refer to divorce as being awesome in anyway have parents who are overcompensating and telling them all the great stuff about divorce. This is going to cause problems down the road, because the reality is that on the inside, it's very painful and they are trying to mask it with things rather than help children heal and recover from their loss. And it is a loss no matter what sparents w/o bios think.
Exactly. I spoke with my two
Exactly. I spoke with my two kids when it happened. I apologized to them that their family broke up. Said it takes two to break up and this is myself and your dads fault. Not yours at all. We spent hours that night crying and talking about our feelings.
They know they lost out. And they know life can begin anew. As their parent, I took away the dream for a great family life. As a divorced mom, I gave them the opportunity to see life can still be great after heartache.
I am very happy my son gets two Christmas's. Family tradition from me and his dad. Its not about the presents, it about love and joy in both homes.
It's wrong to attach stigma
It's wrong to attach stigma to divorce.
Sometimes divorce is the best thing for everyone involved. Staying with someone who disrespects and/or abuses you is a terrible example to set for kids.
I think most kids would opt for divorced happy parents over married miserable ones any day.
Many kids get two of everything because both parents want to create memories/traditions with their kids. I don't see that as a bad thing.
If you ask most younger kids
If you ask most younger kids of divorce, they would probably tell you that they would prefer Mom and Dad stay together, even if they were both miserable. Because kids are self-centered and it's easier for THEM, which is all that matters to them. When kids get older, they get it. That's why younger kids think the divorce is about them. Isn't EVERYTHING? LOL
It can definitely be
It can definitely be annoying. My SD tends to flaunt it when she doubles up on stuff.
In May my DD turned 1 so we had a party. In June SD turned 6 so we had a party. SD bragged about how it was her second party because she already had one with BM. She pointed out that DD only got one party and that she was "luckier" because she got two.
Next year I will not be planning a party for SD. It's a combination of reasons though, not just this incident.
Kids in intact families do
Kids in intact families do this as well. It's common for kids to have a party at school/day care/after school program, then have a second party on the weekend with family and friends.
Much of the bragging is just typical kid stuff.
That's true. I think you've
That's true. I think you've got a valid point.
With my SD, a lot of stuff she says comes from her toxic BM unfortunately. It's hard to tell what she comes up with on her own and what BM has encouraged her to think, especially when it comes to anything relating to me or DD. I guess that's why I've got some negative feelings about this particular scenario.
It's funny - think of how
It's funny - think of how many times people post - get two of everything so the skid does not have to bring items back and forth. Less arguments and stress. now there is a complainant about kids having "two" things and the skid being spoiled.
Sometimes kids just can't catch a break. LOL
^^YEP^^ Also, the more
^^YEP^^
Also, the more recent cs complaints. First, it's, "BMs never spend the money on the childrennnnnnn!" And now it's, "Kids don't NEEEEEEEEED any extras, and if you think they do, YOU make it happen." LOL
I mean, is it okay with you guys that I get cs and spend it on my kids?! And that they don't have two of everything? Yes, steplife, I'd like to know if you, who has to have "everything new" for YOUR baby approves of me spending MY cs on my kids' activities?
At one point posters
At one point posters complained about CS being misused. Now it seems that some are angry that their SO/husbands had to pay CS no matter how it's used. Some even have an issue with CS if BM earns more that dad and used the money as intended.
CS is only evil if dad has to pay BM. You don't see people complaining about CS when dad has full custody or when a SM is heading toward divorce.
I'm starting to think that some people really want BMs and SKs to have a much lower standard of living than they do. Or, if the SM is a BM herself with a MIA ex, she's jealous that her SKs have two parents supporting them, but her bios do not. Why else would someone take issue with both parents supporting their children?
There are plenty of BMs with
There are plenty of BMs with great careers who use CS as it is intended. The CP isn't entitled to one red cent from the NCP. Every dime of CS should be used for the kids.
Unless the kid spends an
Unless the kid spends an equal amount of time with both parents, one is spending more tk support the child. A NCP with EOWE and few a weeks in the summer, isn't spending as on for basic things as the CP. The NCP should pay CS.
There are BMs out there who are NCP. Do you think dad is wrong for going after them for CS?
I think the only thing
I think the only thing assumed by the courts is that the person who has the kids the most, should receive help from the other parent to support their children.
If you(general) object to CS, that objection shouldn't be based on the gender of the CP. It also shouldn't be based on another mother's inability to have a MIA ex help support her children. (I supported my kid on my own, so she should have to do the same)
I agree with all of this. If
I agree with all of this. If custody is 50/50 then then BF is supporting the child exactly the same as the BM is. Any CS in that matter is ridiculous. The whole purpose of CS is to keep the child in the same level of comfort they had when the parents were married. That is ridiculous and not realistic. If BM wants child in programs that BF cant afford then BM has to figure out a way to pay it. And vice versa.
This is a new world-not the same world as it was when these laws were made where women were not as
job oriented and successful as men were.
Women are just as capable of earning a living as men. CS in 50/50 cases and wrong IMO. If there is a huge difference in salary such as DH is a CEO and BM works minimum wage then there should be a limited amount of time BM gets a large amount of support-say 4 years-enough time for BM to get an education or a better job so she can be self sustaining. If after that BM still cant get it together then maybe children should go with DH more often. Just an idea to make things more realistic.
DH would have loved to have 50/50 with SD. I think things would have been way different if he had some influence on her all those years ago and wouldnt have been seen as just an ATM and expendable to SD. She was only 3 when all the PAS crap started.
In my case we had SD for a month in the summer and still gave BM almost 1000 a month. Yeah I know I know she had to pay lights, mortgage, I dont even know what else for SD since she wasnt even there but we also had to feed SD the whole time she was here, keep her entertained, buy her things or DH didnt "love "her :sick: . And SD was on a "special" diet and a loaf of bread for her was 6 dollars! Had to find the money somewhere for the extras to pay for that and everything else for that month. Couldnt go whining to BM that it wasnt fair and she should have to chip in. She would have laughed and hung up the phone! Had to figure out a way to make it work and it was tough and we did it.
THIS
THIS
Kids will be kids and a lot
Kids will be kids and a lot of the times they are mean. What gets me is when people encourage the behavior. MIL does this. She tells Ss all the time how lucky he is because he gets 2 birthday parties, 2 xmas etc in turn Ss has now started making comments like "you know, I get 2 parties and (insert Dd's name) only gets 1" "I'm gonna get more presents than (insert Dd's name)." it's annoying and although I know his behavior has a lot to do with him being a kid it's still aggrivating because there is an adult putting that in their ear.
My parents divorced when I
My parents divorced when I was 12, in 1976. One day I heard about "divorce parties", I ran home and told my mom she should have one, since my dad (God rest his soul) was not the best husband to put it mildly. My mom just said, "Oh, Honey, a 14 year marriage ending is nothing to celebrate, ever". Stuck with me. Best answer ever.
but I don't want to be part
but I don't want to be part of a society that celebrates divorces b/c that just diminishes marriage in my opinion and honors a very serious failure (either marrying someone you shouldn't have been married to or not honoring the marriage enough to stay in it.) No thanks.
^^^^ THIS^^^^^
Yes! Meerkat This^^^^^ was
Yes! Meerkat This^^^^^ was the point I am trying to get at in my OP. It seems like people are celebrating failure. Divorce parties just sound stupid BTW.
It's the Skid's attitude that it's somehow "better" than an intact family and going around rubbing it in bio's or other kids faces. Like in the example above "I get two parties ....and you only get one!"
What if a nuclear kid or a bio said the following to Skid:
"My parents are still married! It's so awesome...and your's arent"
"I NEVER have to drive back and forth all the time...and you do"
"My stuff is always in the same spot I left It in,in my one room I get to sleep in every night...and your stuff gets left behind or lost between homes"
"I always know where I am going each day...and you don't know your schedule"
"I never have to listen to my parents talk crap about the other...your parents fight all the time"
I bet that kid would get ripped a new one for saying those things. But it's ok for Skids to go around acting like they are better because they get visits from Santa twice, two ipads, 2 beds, etc.
"If it's not directly stated
"If it's not directly stated it is most certainly implied."
Implication is different from verbally expressing it. The problem is the COD being able to go around bragging to other children about how they "have two and you only have one" and people being ok with COD saying it which leads to their ideas about divorce be entirely misguided.
I think it depends on why a
I think it depends on why a marriage ended. My girlfriends and I celebrated a friend's divorce once. Her exhusband beat the shit out of her for years. He destroyed her credit. Would take their rent money(money that she worked her butt off to earn because he refused to work) and use it for drugs. He cheated constantly.He had three other kids during their marriage.
When she finally left, we celebrated. Not because the marriage failed, but we celebrated her strength and courage.
I wouldn't call what your
I wouldn't call what your friend was in a "marriage", Disney, that's more like some form of horrific torture.
I have to say that 2 of
I have to say that 2 of everything mentality is being taught, in our case by BM. BM has taught SDs 8 and 11 that DH is an ATM, and cry to get what they want. DH is finally somewhat realizing that they are manipulating him with the "crying".
I dont mind giving 2 parties, 2 christmas, 2 easters if the children appreciate what they receive, NOT COMPARE. SDs come to our house and compare what they got with BM to what they get with us. SDs also brag "I got a new Ipad, do you have one? why not?" to my children, who they have two parents whom work to take care of them but can't afford and Ipad for them because they have to pay for them to live. BM lives with her parent/sparent and pays nothing.
So I feel like if the kid isn't appreciative, then they don't deserve to have it just because they are a COD. That's ridiculous.
We (DH and I) can't afford to go "all out" because we have 5 all together. So we will be doing a very small christmas and I'm sure there will be pouting like it was last year. SD8 tore through her presents and then said "is that all, I got more at MOMs". That to me is unappreciative and ridiculous. Now I know some will say it's just a kids attitude, not true.
My 2 kids said thank you to everyone for anything they got. That's how they are taught and they dont expect 2 birthday, 2 christmas, 2 easter. Usually my 2 children only receive 1 birthday, 1 easter, 1 thanksgiving and only get 2 christmas because we share that day.
So they get 2 of
So they get 2 of "everything". SO WHAT? You want to instill a little humility and compassion? Make them grateful for the things they have? TEACH them something? Take them to a local homeless shelter to volunteer. Work in a soup kitchen. Organize a care package drive for deployed military parents. Donate gently used toys for homeless children. There's something a child of ANY age can do, and it's damn good for them. Look online for local charities, they are ALWAYS looking for help.
Don't worry so much about what they GET. Start worrying instead about how you can TEACH THEM TO GIVE.
That.is.AWESOME. You are
That.is.AWESOME. You are clearly actually *parenting* your kids! Always nice to hear, since we hear so many crap stories about bios (not restricted to either gender!) who are more interested in being "friends" than parents. Good for you!!