Step kids dont want to leave
First just want to say Hi, Im new here and Ive been reading through tons of posts. I have an issue that has prompted my visiting step parents forums.
I have no kids of my own but my fiance has 3 kids and ever since she moved in, 3 years ago, shes had a 50/50 arrangement with their bio dad. Its worked for everyone, mostly, until recently. The 16 yo SD has been wanting to come stay with us all of the time. Not move in, just stay. I dont have a problem with this until she wants to come stay even when her mom is out of town. Ive come to enjoy and even rely on these nights with my fiance and those nights when nobody is home. A quiet house goes a long way. Its turned into a heated argument when a few weeks ago, while my fiance was out of town, my SD was insisting she come to the house with her bio dad laying on the guilt pretty heavy. The ONLY reason she wants to come to the house, isnt to be with her mom, her mom is out of town, its because my house offers wifi, an AC that is pretty much always on, its clean and the fridge is stocked. The bio dad insists that the SKs feel welcomed at ALL times to the house and my fiance agrees. I see where they are coming from, I understand but then that leaves me...... Never having the house to myself ever again... I dont know if Im ready for that. They are either 50/50 or they move in full time and that is a whole other issue I would have to prepare for. Besides not having the house alone again, I can also see this creating even more problems if their bio dad is just going to drop them off whenever, like when they're hungry........... I dont know, am I being unreasonable or selfish? I just think the 50/50 should be honored especially when its just me there.
Thanks in advance for any help with this....
No. If bio mom is out of
No. If bio mom is out of town, the kids should not be staying there when she is gone. Especially a 16 year old female.
They are not your responsibility, for one, and you are not even technically their step father, yet. I would stand firm on this, for your own protection.
I think it's especially tough
I think it's especially tough that she's 16. It's not like you have much hands on responsibility. I mean she can "come over" whether you're at home or out running an errand. You can't say she can't be dropped off because you won't be there to baby sit.
I agree with this post... Being home alone with a 16 year old girl is just not an appropriate arrangement at this point. Unless you can stand up to your SO and get her on the same page, I would make yourself scarce when she is over and her mother is out of town... Go out and do your own thing. It's just a blanket solution, but unless all adults are on the same page you've got a tough battle ahead of you.
My fiance and I had a
My fiance and I had a discussion last night and I told her that I would end up doing exactly that. I would make myself scarce. That, at face value isnt too alarming but then figure in the fact that its my house, the resentment would quickly start to build and this arrangement wont last and may doom the whole relationship. The discussion didnt go much further.
From experience, I've learned
From experience, I've learned that you're never going to get what you fully want. You'll be compromising your wants and needs every step of the way. In the end it all comes down to which choice you will be able to live with more.
Who owns the house,you or
Who owns the house,you or your finance? If it's her house, you may not be able to tell her that her kids aren't welcomed there when she isn't home.
Skids have no business being
Skids have no business being there when mom is out of town.
Hereiam, I never even thought
Hereiam, I never even thought of that angle, thanks for the advice. Disneyfan, it is my house. Ive owned it since before I met my fiance. Thanks for the advice from the rest of you. It sure helps to reassure my position on the issue.
Your house,your rules. Kid
Your house,your rules. Kid stays with dad when mom is out of town.
Sounds simple enough to me
Sounds simple enough to me but not to them. They want my rule changed. All of them and its backing me into a corner. Their dad wants to be able to drop them off. Their mom feels guilty and the kids just want to come use the wifi. Its well enough for now that the mom has agreed to hold to the rule but the pressure is just going to increase.
The library has free Wi-Fi.
The library has free Wi-Fi. Don't allow yourself to get backed into a corner.
As does Starbuck's, Safeway,
As does Starbuck's, Safeway, and a whole host of other venues.
I agree with the majority here...no mom, no skids. Further, our couple's counselor told us specifically that having skids being dropped off during the other parent's time is not fair to your relationship and not healthy for the kids. In this case, "healthy" would be learning appropriate boundaries...
I dread the day our SKIDs
I dread the day our SKIDs start wanting to spend more time with their and dad and me only because dad lets everything slide so staying here would be like heaven for them.
My partner was falslely accused of abusing his best friend's 3 year old daughter before we even met. He lost all his friends because of that stupid matter. I didn't need to know him then to know it was unfounded and He will NEVER EVEr attempt anything that stupid.
It's a nasty accusation and i would stay clear of 16 year old female skids. From what I have read here teenage skids can be very conniving. Their bio parents are naturally protective. Besides it not being fair on you to have her when her mom is away - I'd say until y'all are very comfy with each other and closer - I will not be staying home alone with a teenage skid. It's a pity the world is now that warped but it's a harsh reality.
"No!" end of problem. Be
"No!" end of problem. Be firm and don't back down on this. If mom is not at home the Skids stay with dad. Particularly when it is dad's time.
I really appreciate the
I really appreciate the responses here and Im taking everything into consideration but I do have another concern.
By saying "No" and remaining firm, am I being fair to her children? Do I have a duty to be fair to her children? Am I being fair to my fiance by making her tell her children no?
Also, is my fiance right when she says the kids should be able to feel like this is "home" which they cant if they arent allowed over. She used the, "if you can accept my kids, you cant accept me" position last night.
It has nothing to do with
It has nothing to do with accepting her kids. It has everything to do with proper boundaries and not allowing yourself to be a doormat in your home when neither parent is around for these children.
My Skid was raised in my/our
My Skid was raised in my/our home by his mom (my bride) and I. When he was on visitation to Sperm Land he was with them and not with us. This is not an issue of acceptance, this is an issue of Bio Dad stepping up and actually caring for his children during his CO'd time with them. Dad's time is dad's time. Mom's time is mom's time and by association your time to care for the Skids.
Dad dropping them off on his time for whatever reason and particularly when your SO is not available is not your problem and is entire inappropriate unless there is a true emergency (death in the family, serious injury, bleeding, etc....) in which case sure, you can help if you chose to help.
Stick to your guns. SO does not get to dictate the terms of your relationship. Stand your ground and discuss it with SO. If she refuses, to discuss it, find a woman with the intelligence to be a viable equity life partner for you. Preferably one without biological/reproductive baggage.
Close your blinds and lock
Close your blinds and lock your doors when bio dad brings SD over. Don't answer the door. Act like you're not home or you didn't hear the door bell
do that every time BM is away. Not your kid, not your problem. Eventually, they'll stop coming over when it's not your time with them and BM isn't home.
Also, yes, like other posters have said, 16 year olds can be very dramatic and manipulative to get what they want. I would be very careful about being alone with her. It might come back and bit you in the ass. I've heard stories of those kinda of false accusations.
No. WAY. Do not put yourself
No. WAY.
Do not put yourself in that situation, Joe. sD13 wants to stay at BM's house now all the time and I think she is forming an unhealthy bond to BM's boyfriend that is 23 (BM is 47).
Tell your wife you do not want to risk being placed on the sex offender list. I am a woman and I never stay with the skids alone, nor leave my bios with DH.
She has a father,if not, she can stay with her grandparents or at friends. Be careful!!!
No WAY, never
No WAY, never EVER!
Inappropriate on so many levels.
Do NOT give in, there will be only bad to come of it. Frankly, while her mother works out of town, there will never be a time when this is acceptable, even if you marry.
How dare BOTH these parents try and bully you into this. I am over BioParents trying to palm their children off to other people.
Absolutely agree with
Absolutely agree with everyone else on this topic. These are not your children, even if you marry, you are still Step-Dad. I would begin to reconsider the entire situation, (no matter how much you love your SO), because this is horrible and it does not bode well for the next 10 years of your life.
SD16 over with you without bio Mom is beyond inappropriate. Do not hostage the rest of your life with the risk of the sex-offender list. Do not doubt that is a very real possibility.
You are not the babysitter. This has nothing to do with "accepting" step kids. It has to do with parents who choose NOT to parent and want to pass the buck. Do not leave your home unattended. Change the password on your wi-fi ... throw the circuit breaker on the A/C.
I am angry on your behalf. This is outrageous.
No way would I allow teenage
No way would I allow teenage skid alone in my house. She does stay alone at our house sometimes because she doesn't want to go with us somewhere but it's DH's house. I still have my house and wouldn't even ask her to do plant watering or anything there for me. There is way tooooooo much risk with teenage skids. They do not have good judgment but they do have a whole heapin' helpin' of resentment. Not a good combo.
As for being "fair" to her kids -- you are the only one who is! That girl needs her DAD. You are the only one making an attempt to make sure she does get time with him. Mom loves being popular with her daughter and secretly enjoys being "better" than her ex. She is not considering that her daughter needs her father, not wifi.
Please stand your ground. If you let this woman guilt trip you into turning your house into the local girl's club, there is nothing but misery in your future. It's the early days with skids that are the best. You have no idea how vindictive and aggressive this 16 year old will turn on you in the future, usually some time around the wedding. None of us here wishes we had been more accommodating in the beginning: every last one of us wishes we had set firmer boundaries from the get go.
PS and NO you should not be alone with a 16 year old girl ever. Noooooo. Asking for trouble, that's what that is.
Bio dad and the kids just
Bio dad and the kids just want to use you for babysitting services and wifi, your fiancee wants to use you and your house to make her kids (and ex) happy.
You have every right to have your house to yourself when it is bio dad's time and your fiancee is out of town. YOU did not spawn these children, no matter how much you may care about them.
Fair? Oh please, show me a world where all is fair. It's not fair to you, to have your time and house intruded upon, by children that aren't yours.
It's not fair that the kids are splitting their time between two parents but that's a choice their parents made for them when they divorced. A little late to be worried about what's "fair" for the children.
The kids have two parents. When one is not available, they should be with the other, period. Bio dad can hire a babysitter if he can't handle it (not sure how old the other two are).
There is absolutely no way I would back down on this, for many reasons.
Reading through these
Reading through these responses is almost like reading my mind when were having this conversation. This is my house, they are not my kids, I would like them to stay with their dad when you are out of town. I do sympathize with my fiance. She has a manipulative 16 yr old daughter tugging her strings and an ex that is less than pleasant to deal with. I can see how it could be stressful for her. I really do appreciate everyones time here. I went home yesterday evening with full intentions to settle this issue and the first thing my fiance told me was that its already been settled. Her daughter and ex will just have to suck it up and deal with it. Doesnt mean SD wont be calling and trying, though.
Good to hear that your
Good to hear that your partner came to her senses before you needed to
Joe, I am glad your SO gained
Joe,
I am glad your SO gained clarity on this before you had to address it.
I have read several responses regarding the risks of having a 16yo young woman in your home without a Bio Parent present and the appearance of inpropriety.
This is a true and significant risk IMHO. Even if SD were 18 that you were in a position of parental authority over her would also be a notable risk even though austensibly she would be an adult.
When my XW and I divorced 24 years ago I owned and managed a restaurant franchise area with several units in it and employed many teens and early 20s HS and college students. When our divorce became fairly common knowledge the number of 16-19yo and early 20s aged young ladies who worked for me that asked me out and propositioned me was mindboggling. I was 26 at the time. Fortunately I was knowledgable enough on age of consent laws and employment law that I did not partake of any of the propositions. However, when I sold my business I did date a few former employees but kept strictly to those above the age of consent.
Be careful. Weirder things have happened than a 16yo girl gaining a crush on a SParent or mom's boyfriend as your case is.