Hi, I am new to this site and am in need advice.

I’ve been divorced for four years and have been living alone with my two BKs (young teens) for five years, up until this past summer. I moved to a different state from my family and home, left my friends, and a good job early last winter to be with my boyfriend, who, at that point, I’d been involved with for a year. My BF has 50/50 custody of his daughter who is 7. The plan was for my kids and I to move to his town and after the kids (specifically his daughter) had adjusted to us spending time together in the house I was renting, that we’d all live together after school ended for the summer.

I suppose looking back there were red flags that I chose to ignore. As I got to know SD and the dynamic between my BF, SD, and BM, I started feeling uncomfortable. Both parents treat SD like she’s very fragile physically and emotionally and have treated her, in my opinion, more like a peer than a child. This kid has a LOT of power over things.

Her behavior toward BF and me, bothered me in the beginning -- how she was a high maintenance, demanding, spoiled only child. I couldn’t believe how she talked to BF and how he seemed to indulge her every whim. She’s the most overprotected child I’ve ever known – both parents treat her like she’s in constant danger…they’re both overly obsessive about her health and any minor issue spirals out She seemed bratty but I pushed it aside…after all, I loved BF and this was his daughter and it was a small price to pay to be with him.

Anyway, right before I moved I had second thoughts – mainly d/t SD. But, I pushed them aside and followed through with the move. As we spent more and more time together with all the kids, I began feeling more and more anxious and unhappy. Still, I went ahead and we moved in together…I felt like since I was the adult, things would eventually get better and that I would learn to handle it.

Despite serious second thoughts they moved in with my kids and me full-time and now I am considering telling BF to move out. Since I moved out to be with BF I saw more and more how much power SD has exerted over my BF, my kids, me, and our so-called “family”. Everything she does is “amazing”. She’s “never been a child”. What she thinks and says is always centerstage – my BF’s , his family, BM, and her family all treat her that way! She’s the most overprotected child I’ve ever known – both parents treat her like she’s in constant danger…they’re both overly obsessive about her health and any minor issue spirals out of control and totally dominates everything. A headache is meningitis, she can’t go outside when it’s getting dark because of mosquitos – she might get malaria or EEE. WTF? She’s constantly having some sort of health issue and needs band aids for a scratch with no blood and relives old illness stories (“Remember when I ----”), constantly reminding her dad to give her allergy medicine or whatever crazy thing she's taking. The kid’s afraid of herself and of getting hurt! It’s also a huge attention seeking behavior for her, as both parents lavish attention on her when she’s ill/hurt/upset. She also has emotional issues d/t her mother, who has obsessive compulsive disorder - she has irrational fears of SD getting harmed or catching an illness, she was kept at home for three years, as in not going anywhere. Her mom is a whole other story – she micromanages my BF’s parenting – guilting him into things, making him fearful that she will take SD away from BF. She has zero responsibility – she’s a child – doesn’t work, has crazy expectations of BF and me, and in my opinion is an unhealthy influence on SD. She’s nice to me but I cannot stand the sight of the woman.

I’ve tried to delicately communicate to my BF that the things he and BM are doing are not in SD’s best interest, but I guess I didn’t communicate strongly enough just how wrong I think it is, what steps I think need to be taken, or how much all of the drama with SD and BM negatively affects me. I’ve been biting my tongue for a long time, but have lost it over the last month or so and have completely unloaded everything onto my BF. I feel very resentful and unhappy.

Although SD’s behavior has improved a bit since BF hasn’t been guilt-parenting so much, I am at my wits end and have talked to BF about them moving out. (He can’t really contribute to our household d/t his divorce debt, CS, and SDs medical and dental expenses for all her “illnesses” and needs, which really bothers me, as I pay for almost all expenses and want a financial partner.) I can't sleep, and am a wreck. I've been suffering for months trying to figure out if I would be better to get out now. My kids are good kids, but they contribute to the stress level too. It’s just way more complicated being a blended family than a bio-family! Things were NEVER this complicated re kids when I was married.

The dysfunction with BF/SD/BM has been going on for years and it will take years to get better. I’m not sure I want to sign up for 11 years of co-parenting a troubled kid (its’ not parenting anyway on my side). I do love my BF but this whole situation has made me feel resentment towards him and lately I just feel numb.

I’ve pretty much decided that my kids and I would be happier without the drama. I worked really hard to get out of an unhappy situation and have suffered financially because of it and am just now recovering. I don’t really want to and can’t really help him financially and feel resentful we can’t be contributing more evenly to the household we both live in. My BF still wants to be involved with me if I decide they’re going to move out – obviously I feel a lot of guilt.

Last week BF told me BM had suggested keeping SD during the week – being the primary custodial parent. It seems ironic this comes just as I’ve reached my limit. BF is seriously considering ending the 50/50 situation because SD and BM are such a strain on him (and me). I do believe he’ll decide based on what is best for SD and himself, but I am feeling very worried because I do NOT want to be a factor in this decision. I don’t want him to blame me or later resent me. I also don’t want to feel like I somehow owe him – which I feel in a way I would. I sort of wish I’d told him I think it would be better for us to live apart right now.

I don’t want to lose this man but I feel I’ve worked so hard to be at a place of peace and he’s brought so much drama into my life…

Any advice is helpful and thank you for reading.