Mother In Law
Hello!
Long term lurker, first time poster so apologies if I'm not at one with the lingo yet or posting in the right place!
I have been seeing my BF for 18 months. He has two boys, 12 and 9 who are great and have accepted me and mine, and us them easily and without any trouble. My philosophy is be the step mum I'd like my own children to have had (Ex husband ran off with the work colleague citing he didn't want to be a father anymore so my kids don't see their bio father very often (and have never met his partner in cowardliness).
At this point my BF and I are still in separate residences, although are talking of moving in together. My issue is with my 'MIL'. She moves in with my BF when he has his boys (Friday night, then 3 nights EOW, half of school holidays). I can certainly appreciate such a gesture in the early days of his separation when the boys were younger but five + years later it seems to be rather convenient. Whilst my BF encourages us to visit, and has told me in no uncertain terms it is his and his boys house alone, I feel like I am imposing on his mum too. She routinely speaks as if it's her house, my house this, my garden that etc. I can't help but feel like our relationship would progress further if she wasn't so available to my BF, and him just accepting it as its been for so many years. I have told my BF I think he and his mum are too codependent on each other, and that leaves little room for our relationship to grow much further whilst his living arrangements are like this. To me it takes a little bit of his motivation to move in together away. BF gets the best of both worlds at the moment, his Mum (who just lodges with her sister and BIL at her 'other' house) I feel isn't there to help him as much as her wanting to feel needed by him (hence my saying they are codependent on each other). I see the term 'mini wife' bandied about often with the SK's, she epitomises that albeit two generations older!
Thoughts please!
Seems the boyfriend has not
Seems the boyfriend has not changed this arrangement with mom because he likes the situation just the way it is. Until he is ready to move the relationship with you to a higher level, does not want to risk losing mom's availability and established routine to provide supervision for the children. As a grandparent myself, once the established routine is discontinued, I would be spending that allotted time elsewhere. So if the relationship does not work out, or for what ever reason and grandma is needed again to fill the sitter role....sorry not available.
It doesn't sound as if 'MIL'
It doesn't sound as if 'MIL' is the problem nor the one holding your relationship back from progressing. No, your BF is doing that all by himself by his choice. He's either not willing/able to parent his own children on his own or he actually likes it the way it is.
You might think about why this is. It could indicate if you and he did move in together that the parenting responsibilities would fall totally at your feet. Does the man want a wife or just a 'mom' for his part-time kids. I'm a bit surprised when you seemed to give the impression that if 'MIL' would just stop moving in to help your BF he'd 'need' you more and you two could progress into a more committed live together relationship. If that really is your thinking, please review real hard in your mind as to if this is really what you want. Do you want to be the substitute 'mother' to his kids instead of him doing his own raising and parenting his kids. Read some of the blogs around here...resentment sets in fast and hard when some of these SM's end up with a SO/DH who expects all the heavy work to be on her and refuses to discipline and parent his own children.
thats the first thing that
thats the first thing that came to mind. i was married to a many like that. a sibling died and he was the only child. she spoke to him in the most pleading whiny voice imaginable. it was actually sick to watch. the father, mother and son would all go on these vacations, just a little threesome, while i stayed at home.
My GF just left her husband
My GF just left her husband over this situation. I would say keep separate residences as long as you can. Even after you do move in together, keep your own place for a few more years.
"Whilst my BF encourages us
"Whilst my BF encourages us to visit, and has told me in no uncertain terms it is his and his boys house alone". :jawdrop: :sick:
Need anyone say more about the idea of moving in with this sackless non-man mama's boy?
Were I you the only way I would even consider moving in with this ball-less mama's boy wonder is if you moved in to a completely new place that had no room for Mama or if they moved into your home.... With the clear message than any inkling of a relapse on the mama's boy bullshit and he and his spawn are out immediately.
Better yet, pull your head out of la-la land and find a man rather than a mama's boy.
IMHO of course.
Good luck.
Thanks for all your replies,
Thanks for all your replies, i knew I'd get the brutal truth of the matter! Buoyed by what you have said, I have given him some food for thought. In all fairness to him he has made incredible inroads with other issues I have had and brought to his attention, so are happy to see how he goes with this before I make any rash decisions regarding our relationship. I really do like his mum, just not as a third wheel in our relationship. I figure if we can iron out as much as we can before truly blending our families, then that will hold us in good stead for our future.
Cheers!