Help
In October my life and that of my two boys got turned upside down. Whilst on a coach trip my husband took a call from social services requesting he collect his daughter or she'd be placed into the care system. Her mum had taken a mental break down and was in hospital. Originally this was a temporary arrangement which later became permanent following the completion of the social Work report. I won't get into the nitty gritty of that but basically this poor girl has been through a lot at the hands of her mother. Which I guess is partly to blame for some of the behaviours we are seeing whilst others may be a cry for help or attention. We are taking a lot of calls from the school. She lashes out frequently, punching other children in the face and on one occasion even chocked a girl from behind. Nothing seems to get through to her. She displays a blank, almost vacant, expression anytime we sit her down to talk. She has told my eldest son he's gay, and that I am homophobic and will never love him (for the record I am not), that his dad and I are going to split up and take her with us leaving the boys behind. The list goes on I'm picking a few examples to give you an idea of behavioural traits. We then found a book where she listed not only our two boys, but other pupils within the school, detailing rather grafically how and when they will die. I understand this is a very confusing and distressing time for her. She is living around 6 hours away from 'home' and attempting to come to terms with her life with mum. Has anyone experienced a similar situation and how did you go about supporting the stepchild whilst managing your other children? To say my eldest is struggling is an understatement. He had a breakdown at school where more information came to light. His sister had been taking his friend's, getting people to pick on him, trip him up, drop his lunch etc and she'd then threaten him not to tell. The school have now placed him into play therapy. As for my SD we have organised a counsellor and hopefully should hear within the week if she'll qualify for CAMHs. As a family we have no professional support. Social work have since closed her case as she's now classed as safe but we are struggling to keep the balance within the home. It feels like we are being pulled in three seperate directions at all times. Any advice, guidance or suggestions welcome.
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How old is she?
What a situation, I deeply feel for you. It sounds like this girl desperately needs professional mental help as soon as possible. Do whatever you have to do to get her that help, for your whole family's sake. Wishing you strength and your best possible outcome.
Thank you.
She is 11 but presents older than her years.
What an awful, difficult
What an awful, difficult situation for everyone, but especially for your bios and you.
Please be sure to make time for your kids - do activities with just them and make them feel prioritized. Remember, they didnt choose this, but are suffering for it. Monitor them carefully, and have hard limits for what you and they are willing to live with. They only get one childhood, and deserve to have peace and stability.
The boys
Phew! Your comments make me feel less of an ogre. I've put very strict boundaries in place, for example, she is not allowed to be left alone with the boys at any time. A parent or adult must be present at all times. I've also booked a weekend away, just me and the boys, for next month. We've got a two night vacation in a popular little beach town designed with kids in mind. It'll do us all the power of good. In terms of leaving the marriage I feel that would do more harm, particularly to my eldest, than good. He's very close with his dad and I feel living apart would be an even bigger grievance for him than the current living situations. We have it under control in the house, our issue is school. The topic of moving her schools came up earlier tonight, and it is something we will look into, however I believe there's not another school locally that has a counsellor within the grounds. It's a hard one to juggle. She's very much her Mothers daughter and unfortunately has inherited alot of her bad habits. Am I being naive in thinking once the counsellor and mental health support kicks in that things will improve? Or is there a chance things will genuinely get better?
It seems like she was abused
It seems like she was abused and now she's abusing others unfortunately.
But she's 11 and you have two boys with your DH, and in your bio you say you're a new stepmom. Didn't your DH have visitation before this? Did he have any idea about her behavioural problems and her mom's problems before getting the call from social sevices?
I'm gonna be honest but I'm not sure it isn't already too late. Her issues seem very severe and she needs intensive therapy. She's not safe.
You're correct. The report we
You're correct. The report we have details a life of abuse and neglect. She never had stability, her mother constantly moved them around. Her basic requirements were not met. Food was rare, hygiene was basically non-existent. When I met my husband his daughter was a little over one years old. I met her for the first time at 18 months then he didn't see her again until she was 3. After that he lost track of her until they appeared in a news article which stated they were then living over 300 miles away. From this point on we'd fly down to visit once or twice a year but in terms of daily contact her mother had complete control over that. He could never get his daughter on the phone. The report also tells us she went under 11 different aliases over the years in an attempt to hide from various services whether that be police or social services. To answer your question we knew her life was questionable, at best. But any time we contacted social work we were told of recent events but that the case had been closed with no further action. Her mother always got aggressive or argumentative when challenged and would again disappear for some length of time. We had no idea of SDs behavioural issues and are still unclear whether this was an issue whilst she lived with her mum or if it is something that is coming out now her circumstances have changed.