BM put 14yr SD on birth control
Ok I'm new to this forum but I'm so glad I found it! I am going insane! A little background- I am in the midst of raising the youngest of 6 girls. I have 2 bio daughters, 2 nieces that I raised, and 2 SD's. I adore my bio daughters and nieces and I am at the point of not being able to stand my SD's. The oldest SD lives with her maternal grandmother- they enjoy getting high together, fighting with the neighbers, and having tattoo parties. The other SD lives with me and her dad. Her mother is unable to care for her financially even with $600 in child support. So upon her last eviction 2 years ago we forced her to give us the youngest. She is the only child left in the house.
1 month ago her dad and I caught her at the elementary school 2 blocks from our house laying on a slide with her boyfriend on top of her. There were a lot of young kids on the playground observing this. they were fully clothed but the show they were putting on could have been on pay-per-view. They were both read the riot act there and back at the house. She is no longer aloud to be alone with boys because she cannot obviously control herself and told us "if it feels good I should be aloud to do it". Now I am not a uber religious strict mother who doesn't believe in drinkin, dancin, or swearin- because I do all of the above in moderation. But I have prided myself on raising MY daughters with morals and self-respect. I have not had these issues with my 4. But I have with both of his. The older was sexually active at 12- before he and I got together.
I spoke with BM about the incident and she agreed to no alone time with the boyfriend- or any boys for that matter and that it was innapropriate on many levels, yadda yadda yadda. Just telling me what I want to hear. So yesterday BM takes SD to a Dr appt that we were told was for a depression med check- NOPE!!! She was having her put on birth control. WHAT??????
A little more background- I was a prenatal care coordinator and health educator, so I know all about teens having sex and getting pregnant and such. I had a little girl in my caseload that got pregnant at 12. I am NOT against birth control at all at pretty much any age.
What I am pissed about is we were never consulted on this. She freaking lives with us- not mom. We control where she goes and who she's with. Mom got outted by the Dr because my husband has a genetic blood clotting disease and she called him for permission to look at his files to determine if SD could even be put on BC if there was a chance she also had this disease. He texts mom who states "oh it's just for her acne and "in case" she wants to have fun with boys". Seriously?!
Am I being too sensitive about this. Am I too strict? Should I be glad that BM finally actually did something with SD even if it was this? I just despise both of them so much that I think if they gave me a million dollars I would find a reason to hate it.
"What I am pissed about is we
"What I am pissed about is we were never consulted on this."
You don't need to be consulted on this. Your dh does. You said you talked with bm. Don't. Back up and make dh do that. Why is osd living with grandma? Has nobody called CPS on grandma???
Be glad the kid is on bc so she can't give you step grandkids.
Hmmm...I would have to wonder
Hmmm...I would have to wonder what the custody order says! I mean, many have clauses that medical stuff, unless emergency, has to be fully discussed and agreed upon by both BEFORE treatment. And crazy thing is, that could even be applied to things like piercings and tattoos! Yup, because it alters the body, a parent can get in trouble for taking the child to get piercings without consulting the other parent!
That said, I WISH BM would do something like this with SheSloth, because DH is too trusting that his little princess is not having sex to do it himself! Better she get put on birth control, even if it is behind DH's back, than the brat end up preggers and my marriage falling apart because I refuse to take care of the baby while DH tries to guilt me into accepting that it is my grandchild! No baby from that girl will ever be my grandchild!
abortion would NOT be an
abortion would NOT be an option in my opinion. But BM could decide differently
So could her father. Your
So could her father. Your opninion is, frankly, moot.
OK- ummm I'm not pissed about
OK- ummm I'm not pissed about her being on birth control. I was pissed that BM didn't talk with my husband and me before putting her on it since she lives with us and we support her financially 100%- mom contributes nothing. I pay for her healthcare insurance on my paycheck and we pay for all of her meds. I think we have a right to know these things in advance. I would have agreed it was just the lack of respect. I guess I was wrong to be upset and get on here to vent. Won't happen again.
I can understand your concern
I can understand your concern there fully! Same thing in our house...SheSloth is on my insurance because DH's is crap and he is require to pay for insurance. I've been with the same company nearly a decade now...so SheSloth has been on my insurance for quite some time. We have actually saved money by her being on my insurance. When SheSloth lived with BM, BM would take her to the ER for every stinking little sniffle, and DH is required to pay half of the costs not covered by insurance. On his insurance at any of the jobs he had, his half would have been double or triple what he ended up having to pay, which would have effected the household budget as a whole (finding $200 for an ER bill because the deductible wasn't met yet was a far cry from finding $1000 worth of deductible).
Seeing as DH is already stretched with his income on his share of the bills and SheSloth's expenses, yeah, it would be an issue if BM dumped another expense on us like monthly medication without consulting at least DH so he could discuss it with me. Fortunately, on our prescription insurance, BC would probably cost some $5-10/month! Yeah...our prescriptions are dirt cheap on my plan! I remember when DH separated a muscle from his rib he coughed so hard...the pain meds cost him like $2! Took BS19 to the CVS for his meningitis shot before college? $0! So all things considered, if BM did take SheSloth to get birth control behind DH's back, I would still fully welcome it! The small cost for the birth control would be worth not dealing with SheSloth getting preggers. Of course, I would be more concerned about the girl not taking it every day like she should, and the money being spent on something that was just ending up in the trash useless! If BM sneaks around DH for BC, she better have those 5-year rods put in SheSloth's arm!
I still think bm should have
I still think bm should have consulted dh and then dh should've consulted you.
I appologize for coming on
I appologize for coming on here with a concern and taking up your time. I thought this was the appropriate forum to talk about such things but I must have been mistaken. I will find some other means to vent my frustrations. I will remember to leave all decision making up to her MOTHER who sees her 2 days a month at best. Good day.
I would be upset if I were in
I would be upset if I were in your situation as well, but I think you should consider a few things here.
1. Your SD might not have been comfortable asking you or your DH, however her BM still definitely should have discussed it with DH before hand.
2. It could have not come up until they were already at the doctors, maybe the doctor asked about sexual activity and he asked if birth control was needed?
3. In that situation, maybe DH needs to be taking SD to appointments that concern her health, not BM since he is the primary?
She'll still get knocked
She'll still get knocked up-wanna bet?!
Your husband saw what was
Your husband saw what was going on with his daughter andher boyfriend and didn't take the necessary steps to keep her from getting.
Mom may be useless,but she was spot on with this one. She doesn't have to ever tell you anything she does with her daughter. It would have been nice for her to tell dad, but it isn't required.
BM is a pig, not a mother,
BM is a pig, not a mother, much like most BMs of our skids. Your DH is a clueless enabling spineless man, just like most husbands on here.
Stay out of it. If you want, cut her off your insurance. I did that with some technology, didn't want any involvement in their skanky on line behavior, so I cut them off my tab.
Raises hand here.....I
Raises hand here.....I understand why you are upset. (not sure why you are getting the beat down here.
Anywho....I am usually of the mindset that step parents need to stay out of it. BUUUUT...if you have the child 100 percent for the time and you pay 100 percent for the child, then you are more of a mother than her bio mother. I think you deserve the respect a mother would have been given.
Again....BUUUT...that will never happen. Your SD burst out of BM's loins and so BM has more power than you. Always will. No matter what. Screwed up, but it is what it is.
Just be grateful that your SD is on the pill. And try to let this one go. I know that is easier said than done.
Not really. I know if it were
Not really. I know if it were SheSloth, she would keep it on the DL! Just like when BM got her extra piercings in her ear (4 up the side of the ear). SheSloth kept it covered with her hair, until she forgot and wasn't paying attention...brushed her hair behind her ear and then had an "oh crap" moment.
I can see being pissed that
I can see being pissed that she went behind your back, it feels sneaky. (Although I do agree that she needed to talk to DH, not necessarily you. Your DH could then discuss with you before getting back to BM.) But I also think the girl should be on BC, absolutely. There's someone on this forum who's son got a girl pregnant. Apparently he was walking somewhere he was allowed to go, when he was allowed to be there, and she drove to where he was walking and they had sex in the car. Unless you lock them up and throw away the key, they WILL figure out a way to have sex if they want to. (Possibly even if you DO lock them up.) Better to have them on BC in the event they thwart you.
Just to clarify a couple
Just to clarify a couple things. This was an already scheduled Dr appt- mom didn't grab the bull by the horns on this situation. This is the first Dr appt she has taken her to in two years- we always take her. We did schedule an ob/gym appt after the playground incident- they couldn't get her in the next day, don't know of any that could as I use to work in the specialty. And lastly I NEVER expected BM to call ME to discuss anything. I use the word US because my husband and I are a united front. He should have been consulted not me. And no my husband is not enabling or spineless. He hates BM more than me and always backs me up with SD.
I think you need to relax a
I think you need to relax a bit. I'm guessing SD asked to go on birth control, and asked her Mom to take her and not you or DH, because she knew she would have to answer a bunch of uncomfortable questions from you and Dad.
So be happy she is making good choices and leave her alone, just make sure her birth control is paid for.
Skid was on my health
Skid was on my health insurance, when H was the NCP. I received an explanation of benefits in the mail one day, skid was about 16 at the time. It was for a pelvic exam and BCP's. Uberskank didn't even bother to tell H about it.
I showed him the EOB and he started to get mad, I said she is looking for a reaction from you. There is nothing you can do about it at this point.
So I'm giving you the same advice. There is nothing you can do about how this was handled and I suggest you get used to not being consulted prior to BM making decision. Otherwise you're going to spend a lot of time being angry and upset about things you can't change.
I'm not trying to tell you
I'm not trying to tell you what to do. I'm saying sm communicating with bm almost NEVER goes well. If I had kids and their sm contacted me about my kids birth control, I'd laugh and tell her to talk to my ex.
I don't believe the OP is of
I don't believe the OP is of the mindset the BM has to consult her. She is simply upset the BM made this decision without discussing it with the OP's DH. BCP for a 14 y/o girl is a big deal. She has already shown herself to be promiscuous and uncaring about how she is perceived.
I think you should lay off the OP and take her wording for what it was.....just wording and not a fact of life.
14 year olds on bc must be
14 year olds on bc must be way more common than I ever could have guessed, judging from the surprising feedback OP got.
OP, I understand your upset. I think bc for a kid that young is a huge deal. The kid is on op's insurance, she has every damn right to be as involved in the health care for this girl as she wants to be. Not to mention the kid lives in her house. Sorry you got all the prickly feedback, op. That health insurance belongs to you and it's your house. Don't let anyone tell you it's none of your business. How would these folks react if you paid for a stepteen's car insurance or the car itself and BM had kid drag racing without your knowledge? Yeah. I thought so.
Thank you to everyone who
Thank you to everyone who understands my frustrations and also thank you to those who don't but gave CONSTRUCTIVE feedback. I think the point that a lot of people are missing is that I am not upset that she is on BCP, I am glad she is and even offered to take her if she wanted. It's the sneakiness of BM and lack of courtesy to even mention it to DH. And the big thing is that BM didn't do it for the "right" reasons. If you read what I wrote BM stated "and just in case she wants to have fun with boys". FUN!!!!BOYS!!!! PLURAL!!!!! SHE'S 14!!!!!! Her mother is a straight up whore who has a revolving door of men who she screws for getting her bills paid. She has not had physical custody of this child for over 2 years and wasn't a "mother" even before that. SD was in the hospital for 10 days last year because she tried to kill herself while at BM's house. Her mother saw her twice in 10 days- I met with the Doctors daily and sat with SD for hours everyday- her "mother" never spoke to one Doctor. I took off work evryday to be at the hospital as dh was not able to get off work. BM wasn't working at all but was just "too tired" to come to the hospital. So don't tell me I have no rights when it comes to her medical care. I didn't think that I had to go into this much detail to begin with but I don't think a lot of you understand the situation. I have been this child's mother since she was 6. She sees her BM 2 days a month at best. I am raising her without her mother helping in any way. As one other poster stated- don't I need to know what meds she is on in case there is a reaction? Her father has a genetic/hereditary clotting disorder that he almost died from as there were multiple clots in his lungs and legs. BCP can cause blood clots in healthy people. If she also has this disorder and we don't know it- BCP could kill her. I would just like to know that I need to keep and eye on things. It is,after all, MY house. And what goes on inside MY house IS my business. PERIOD!