I told DH that BM needs to send food for SD and he freaked .. VENT

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This may sound petty but keep in mind this is a pretty regular occurrence. We have SD full time. BM takes her 1 day and pays no child support.

Long story short, I bought some chips and salsa that I planned on having when I had company over this week. The other day, I noticed the chips were open but there wasn't a whole lot missing so I just put them in a different cabinet hoping no one would find them.

Well yesterday, DH asked me did I move the chips. I said yes I did. He asked where I moved them to and I told him but knowing he was asking for SD (chips is one of the few things she will eat), I told him that BM needs to send food over.

I went on to say that one of skid's parents needs to be supporting her (DH is injured and is out of work for 6 weeks or so without pay). DH was all pissy with me for saying that.

Am I wrong here? We have SD every day and BM provides NOTHING. No money, food, clothes, school supplies, bath supplies, NOTHING. With DH being out of work on top of that, I am just fed up that no one is paying for skid's things! I am not made of money. I make a decent salary but I work very hard for it and I have no kids of my own and I feel angry that I am in this position!

Why on earth is BM not paying

Why on earth is BM not paying child support if you guys have her full time??? I'd tell DH he needs to go back to court for THAT, not food.

Well yes. That’s a whole

Well yes. That’s a whole other issue. I have been on DH for YEARS to go file for child support but he refuses. He is afraid if he forces BM to go to court, he will end up losing time with SD. We have had MANY arguments about this. I figure the least she can do is send food and supplies for her child.

*Post should say BM has SD 1 day a week

I would have never agreed to

I would have never agreed to take SD full time without child support from BM. Period.

Oh I definitely didn't agree!

Um so he likes letting BM off

Um so he likes letting BM off the hook in raising and supporting her own child?

And I would hope that if BM did try for custody the judge would see that that request was made AFTER DH filed for CS.

What is up with these men who wont take money from the woman who helped create their child to support their own child, but they have no problem taking it from someone (SM) who had NOTHING to do with creating their child.

I honestly have no clue but

I honestly have no clue but you took the words right out of my mouth! We have had sooooo many arguments over this issue. He tells me he wants it this way (having SD full time). I say ok but that doesn't mean the other PARENT, the person who CREATED this child, gets away with not having AND also not paying for the child. Who does that??! It's freakin absurd! DH even made a comment that if he was forced to go to court (by the state I guess), then he will LIE and say BM helps him with SD! :jawdrop:

Why lie? Who would that lie

Why lie? Who would that lie even benefit? WTH is his logic? :?

Ah I wish I knew his logic..

Ah I wish I knew his logic.. I've spent a lot of time trying to figure it out but have not been able to come up with anything!

Basically, their court order states they have SD 50/50 but the CO is over 5 years old. They have not had 50/50 in over a year (even since SD started kindergarten and came to live with us full time). DH would first have to file for a custody modification to get their current arrangement legal, in writing. Then he would have to file for child support (not sure about other states but in ours it is separate).

I understand his concerns with BM saying well I will just take SD more and not pay CS but at the same time, the current arrangement is not fair to any of those involved. I feel major resentment that this POS can pop out a kid and not do ANYTHING for the kid (meanwhile, I've been ttc for over a year without success but that's a whole other story). It's outrageous.

Your SO is the one with the

Your SO is the one with the real problem. If he doesn't want child support and can support the child I can maybe understand not taking child support. Even then I would say put the money away. But if he isn't working he is neglecting his child by not filing for child support. The child deserves the support of both parents and shouldn't be struggling for food or anything else because of his pride. That is all this is about- PRIDE. SO needs to get over it and do what is best for the child. Child support is for the child, not the parent. If he had been receiving child support and putting it aside, he would have that money now to help.

Yup, I told him pretty much

Yup, I told him pretty much that exact thing! If you don't need the money, put it in a savings account for SD- she can use it for a car, toward college, whatever it is needed for. Nope, he still won't file. And people wonder why I drink lol!

Thank you Zero, I've asked my

Thank you Zero, I've asked my DH for years that question, I worked full time to support my children, made decent money and did fine he was always after me to go for child support which I did but the ex kept moving etc etc so it never happened, I would than ask him about his ex since we had full custody of his DD, oh no he wouldn't think of it! They are all adults now but it still baffles me his double standards when it comes to bio mom and SM. I've always been held accountable for everything but his ex who has had very limited contact with SD wasn't expected to do anything, now the kids are grown and SD thinks her Mom is just so great! This is when I started disengaging, I wish I'd done it years ago!

^^hahahaahah^^

Lmao love it

That's true. I probably

That's true. I probably should have worded it differently but it was just something I said in the moment. I did later clarify with him that I meant BM needs to support the child. It really wasn't directed much at him because he does pay his share of the bills and pays for SD's things when he is working. It's not like he is out of work by choice. So I definitely get that. Thanks so much!

Screw his fricking pride. He

Screw his fricking pride.

He decided to take on his kid full time, at the expense of the stepparent, and he's refusing to do anything about collecting CS from the NCP??

F**K him and the horse he rode in on.

All of the burden is on the SM in this case. She has probably exhausted all efforts in getting him to do SOMETHING about the situation.

Yes....it's absolutely a criticism when the CP is doing nothing about bringing in money to care for his child, but expects the person that IS NOT THE PARENT to shut up and take it??

NO. Nope. Nada. Nix.

The weight of the financial world is on her shoulders and yet the advice is to tippytoe around a man's pride.

HA!!!

Yup, he does nothing to get

Yup, he does nothing to get help from BM. Actually today I came home and asked him again to please ask BM to send some food and supplies for SD since she is not paying CS. His response was "why do you have to come home and start bitching?" Ummm maybe because there's a kid living in my house every day and her parents are not paying her way!

Are you serious? Send food?

Are you serious? Send food? Why stop there? I mean you could demand she include toilet paper in the grocery bag too.

Food isn't your problem. A guy bringing in no money and a BM who does not pay CS is. Why be so petty about what is not the issue. Begrudging food to a child? If you're really upset over a bag of chips confront what the real problem is. Tell your Dh you intend to not give him one more dime of what should be his responsibility towards his share of the household until he goes down to child support enforcement and opens a case on obtaining CS. What good is it for him to be afraid of losing time with his daughter if he can't feed her? If he can't provide the basic needs of the child he shouldn't have her fulltime. Food, clothes, school supplies? They are all a part of providing for a child . If he has too much pride to expect BM to pay child support and can't afford to feed her, let him be the one to go without food until he comes to his senses. Don't punish a child for her parents errors. You know if BM is doing nothing to help with the child expense now, she will not be filling a sack of food and sending it to your home either.

That is all true. But you

That is all true. But you know how it is when you have anger building up and then something stupid sets you off. Well the chips is what set me off. You are right, the chances of BM sending food and other supplies is slim to none. DH asked her to buy SD some school clothes and she sent over a couple old (dirty, obviously used) outfits and that was all we saw from her. It's pathetic.

^ This is right. I am not

^ This is right. I am not keeping anything from skid really. I don't deny her food or any other necessities. I am just asking that her parents pay for the things she needs.

I don't think she's being

I don't think she's being ridiculous. It sounds like she was trying to get her H's attention to DO SOMETHING about their situation.

She is not punishing the child by denying it chips. She didn't say she was starving it or denying it meals or not seeing to it's needs.

Please get real.

Keep track of what you are

Keep track of what you are spending on SD every week. Pay separately for her needs. Then present parents with the bills. Collect them all. If they do not reimburse you by the end of the month, you can file for reimbursement with the Courts. This is BS.

I am in a similar situation, I give DH money that I know he gives to BM behind my back "for the girls...". In the meantime, BM has a new car, new trailer, all kinds of shopping trips to the mall, money for booze and weed, but "poor BM" always needs money.

Hey, at least skids are not around, so for me it's "sanity money"...

OMG he gives your money to BM

OMG he gives your money to BM behind your back?? What the... But I hear ya, at least it keeps the skids out of your hair haha! I would pay for peace and sanity too!

It's crazy, DH swears SD doesn't cost anything (yes, he actually says that). He thinks since we are going to buy food, toilet paper, soap, etc. anyway, having her here does not increase the costs. :jawdrop:

I have a hard time even having a conversation with him about this because I just think everything he says is so damn stupid. He of course thinks I'm crazy. Because expecting the person who gave BIRTH to the child to support the child is crazy I guess. :?

Oh, funny.. I said something

Oh, funny.. I said something similar to that last night and his response was that he will go back to work (before his injury is healed and before his doctor has cleared him to return to work) rather than asking BM for money. Unbelievable.

I have to say... If your DH

I have to say... If your DH normally works and supports his half of the household bills and pays his share for SD, then it is really on him if he wants to collect child support from BM. Maybe it is part of his pride of wanting to do it on his own, of not taking money from a woman he sees as being "in distress", or maybe it's his way of saying "F U ex wife, I don't need ya". Either way... if he is pulling his share, than that choice doesn't really effect you.

Now on to him currently not working. If he isn't working due to an injury or illness, and you are berating him for not being able to contribute to the family right now during his lay up than YOU are the problem. OMG, how horrible of a partner are you being?

Can you even imagine if you were out of work because you broke your back or got cancer and he jumped your case about not supporting the family?

You need to back up and take a reality check.

I'm not getting on him about

I'm not getting on him about being out of work at all.. He wants to go back to work already and I am the one who told him he needs to stay home and recover.

What I am getting on him about is expecting ME to support SD rather than SD's MOTHER. I think he just feels like f BM (they were never married), he wants nothing to do with her, and he wants nothing from her. But my opinion is that he needs to put that pride aside and do what is in the best interest of the child, which is to have her mother assist in supporting her.

This has been building a long

This has been building a long time , furkidsforme. If it was this one injury (short term event), OP wouldn't be as frustrated as she is I'm sure. But her DH has no intentions of ever being self supportive (let alone supporting his child alone).

This is one of OP's post from May explaining their household finances ....and it's just getting worse.

http://www.steptalk.org/node/185879

Exactly who would be feeding

Exactly who would be feeding this kid if you weren't around? Damn, I'm sick of step nonsense right now.

Right lol I don't even know..

Right lol I don't even know.. The whole thing is nuts.

OP, you have the power to

OP, you have the power to force him to file CS, but you have to be willing to play hard ball.

Didn't you post before that you pay for most of the household expenses? If you refuse to financially contribute to the household until he makes BM pay CS, he will do it. Right now he's making a dumb ass decision because he has you to fall back on. Remove you money from the equation and watch how fast he changes his tune.

EXACTLY!!!

I see what you are saying,

I see what you are saying, but wouldn't that be hurting myself as well? If I don't pay the electric, it gets shut off. If I don't buy food, I go hungry. If I don't pay rent, we could lose our home. I have thought a lot about what I could cut back on but everything I think of would be hurting me as well. But I do hear what you are saying. Right now, there are no consequences.

THIS The whole male pride

THIS

The whole male pride thing is a bull. His pride won't allow him to make BM help support their child. Yet that same pride goes out the window when it comes to his wife helping to support their household.

Yup she is still getting food

Yup she is still getting food stamps (but not ever sending any food for SD to our house) and God knows what else.

I'm not keeping food from SD. The chips thing was just an example of a situation where I had bought the chips for a specific purpose (I was having company over) so I was annoyed. There are other things in the house she can eat without being yelled at. I'm not starving her lol. But I do feel her PARENTS (mainly BM since she only has her 1 day a week and doesn't contribute crap) should be supplying food for her.

I did report her for welfare

I did report her for welfare fraud but since their CO states they have SD 50/50 and DH never went to court to get their current arrangement in writing, it's pretty much my word against hers. Since the CO is a legal document, the state is going by that.

I straddle the fence on this

I straddle the fence on this one. Yes, your comment was inflammatory. And yes, BM should be paying CS.

Maybe this is the situation DH needed to gain clarity that he needs to nail BM's ass to the wall for CS.

I hope it will at least make

I hope it will at least make him think about it more. He has got to get child support if we are going to have SD here every day. It's just not right.

And yes, agreed, the comment was not nice. But I was 1) in the moment and 2) making a point.

Thanks for all the replies!

Why do you continue to be the

Why do you continue to be the sole support of this household? What do you get out of it?

Well.. good question. Nothing

Well.. good question. Nothing really. It's hard because when we got married, he had SD 50/50 week on/week off so it was a little different. This full time, no child support nonsense just started last year.

Here's DH's argument (one of them): We would pay the same bills whether or not SD is here so having her here doesn't cost anything. Lol

What does DH mean by "We". I

What does DH mean by "We". I can see no "We" in this situation unless there is a whole lot more information available regarding why you are working and DH is not.

This is a different scenario than a couple raising a family together with one being the SAH parent. For the first 3 years of our marriage my bride was a SAHM/full time college student. I was the sole income. I was fine with that. I was fine with that because my bride and I were working our plan. School, grad school, buying a home, raising the kid, etc.... The original plan was for DW to be a SAHM during the day and a college student at night until she graduated. Once SS started kindergarten that plan lasted about two weeks. I came home from work one evening and she informed me that being home alone all day was driving her insane and that she had gotten a job. The Skid knew no difference. His mom walked him to the bus stop on the corner in the morning and was waiting for him at the corner to get off of the bus in the afternoon. Mom dropped him off at the drop in day care on her way to class in the evening and I picked him up 15-30mins later.

If this situation is part of a greater master plan then it may be perfectly Okay. If not, then there would be a major discussions to have with DH were I you.

Let me clarify- DH is out of

Let me clarify- DH is out of work due to an injury. He has only been out of work 1 week and has, oh, somewhere between 2-5 more weeks out (he won't know for sure until he goes for a follow-up appointment in about another week).

What he said about us paying the same bills regardless if SD is here or not, he has always said that even when he was contributing.

I don't mind helping out while DH is injured. I think that is part of what being married is all about (for better or for worse, in sickness and in health). The issue I am having is that the BM is not contributing at all and DH refuses to go for CS or even just informally ask her for help! If he doesn't want to go to CS because he's afraid of losing SD, I feel like the least he could do is explain to her that he is out of work and she will need to send supplies for SD if she is going to be here every day. Idk, sometimes I feel like I'm losing my mind because he just doesn't get it!

Electricity, gas, water,

Electricity, gas, water, fuel, food, entertainment, clothing, toilet paper, etc... all costs that go up when you have a kid. No, DH is wrong. You do not pay the same bills when a kid is in the house. You pay more. Notably more.

WE aren't paying the bills.

WE aren't paying the bills. He pays the rent and you are stuck with everything else. If you tossed his butt out, he would not be able to support two people on just $1100 a month.

He's using you, while letting BM off of the hook.

Personally.....I would pack

Personally.....I would pack my shit and move out.

Or if this is your home, tell him to pack his and his kids' shit and get out.

If he's unable to contribute financial and he's refusing to get CS in some form from the BM, then he is a leech.

Well he's not contributing

Well he's not contributing right now because he is injured so I am not mad about that.. but totally agree on the CS issue! I've been trying for over a year (ever since we got SD full time) to get him to go for CS but he just refuses every time.

Thanks, Sally! That's not a

Thanks, Sally! That's not a bad idea to hide the things I don't want her eating. I mean I normally don't buy a lot of junk food, but I was planning on having company over to watch a football game that evening so I had bought chips and salsa, etc. I just can't figure out, for the life of me, why DH will not ask BM to send snacks/supplies for SD. It boggles my mind.

I would second the locked

I would second the locked cabinet idea. I have a locked liquor cabinet and the top shelf is full of snacks and sodas. Most of the time, the rest of the house doesnt even know anything is in there. That doesnt mean that on occasion I dont buy them their own snacks... Which are usually gone within the hour... because they turn into their meal.

You are here

I told DH that BM needs to send food for SD and he freaked .. VENT