Rewriting wills
I haven't posted in a very long time, although I do read the posts and they are very helpful.
Sooo....I currently am in an emotional mess.
I have been Married for 7'years. This a second marriage for both of us. He has 2 daughters and I have one.
He came to this marriage with significantly more money than me. We have a prenup, which was a horrible experience for me, it isn't the divorce portion, it was all the will like portions that were in my opinion, unfair. After we were married a year or two, we made wills that corrected some of that mess of a prenup.
At that point I was given a life estate on housing, and half of his estate with the other half going to his children.
Fast forward to now, and I am deeply concerned about my ability to live my life if he were to pass while we are still working, not elderly,
He has agreed to re write the wills, keeping the life estate, and each of us leaving the other 100% of each of our estates.
This good for my financial security, but the catch is in order to secure my future I must agree to give my daughter only 15% .
I am feeling so angry and sad. I understand he feels the majority of the money being talked about is "pre marital" but I see this as a commentary on me, that what I have brought to this marriage, sacrificed for this marriage, put up with in the marriage is only worth 15%.
Some additional facts... He wanted a very expensive house, we got it out of current funds. I had to spend a good portion of what I had from my divorce to "buy into" our previous home.
I think I was given 20%.
We have paid for both of his daughters weddings..... I changed my employment for the betterment of the marriage, something he wanted, I now make less... And work for myself with him. If he were to die now I would have no viable income.
My DH has experienced health issues that along with his housing choice have made saving money now impossible .....
I am so upset about this. He has said very hurtful things about my daughter . He says she isn't nice enough to him and he feels distant. He should she lives across the continent from us! I do everything to make this home a place his Daughters feel welcome, and let me tell you I never complain to him about them. But they are classic adult steps!!!!
I don't want to blow up my marriage but I am so angry I can't get through this.
I am worth more than 15%!
I don't know what to do. I feel trapped.
Yasadora
It's getting pretty
It's getting pretty complicated so I think you two need to see an estate planner. Meanwhile I would get him to put in writing that the two of you nullify the pre-nuptial agreement. Null and void. Even if other agreements supersede the provisions you should have a separate piece of paper making it clear that its a dead agreement.
His kids do need to be protected and you do recognize that so lets get the negotiations going with the planner in the middle. You also recognize that he had a lot of assets before you were married and don't seem to have a problem with that being protected.
But after the marriage you feel, and rightly so, that you should receive 50% of whatever assets exist including the house which you can then pass on to your kids if you wish.
I think you're in a position to negotiate for those things. You could talk to an attorney with all of the documents in hand and have the situation analyzed. It'll cost but it will be worth the knowledge. If you do make it clear that s/he will not be representing you in any divorce or future negotiations. Otherwise s/he may make broad claims about what they can get for you, that they can't follow through on, just to get the case.
If you do see an attorney prior to the estate planning meeting you'll need to ask husband for the documents. He's going to think you're planning a divorce. Only you know if this is a good idea or not. He may clam up and get his own attorney and it could escalate to a real divorce. Or it could scare him into loosing up his grip on what you feel is mutually earned assets. Only you can guess which way it'll go. Maybe you should invite him along or maybe your estate planner should be a attorney who can be given the documents before the meeting so s/he can lay it all out in a meeting with the two of you.
You two need to consider "Living Trusts" as opposed to wills which will avoid probate. Talk to the planner about this.
The house is split 50/50 with
The house is split 50/50 with her so his kids will get half after she dies, remarries or sells it and moves out. Sorry if I wrote poorly.
Thanks for the
Thanks for the comments...
Sorry for any confusion..
I think getting some advice might be a good way to go .
I don't want to divorce. He is a good man in all other ways. That is one of the reasons why this hurst do much.
Yasadora
If the usual statistics hold
If the usual statistics hold in your situation you will very likely outlive your DH. So, change your Will when you are a widow and enjoy the rest of your life.
End of problem.
Good luck.
My bride and I leave everything to each other in our Wills. If we codecease then it all goes in to Trust for my Skid undil he either finishes a BS from a regionally accredited college/university or turns 40 whichever comes first. A few personal things are left to other family members. Whoever survives the other can of course change the Will as they see fit but since we have no joint spawn I susptect that the general terms and conditions of our current Will will stand. This also makes sense in our situatio because when we married we had nothing of note. Two apartments full of college kid furniture and two 8yo cars. Everything we now have we have built together.
No doubt my situation is far
No doubt my situation is far less complicated than many in a blended family situation deal with.
My own parents struggled with this topic or Wills and estate distribution. Initially their Wills left everything to each other and in the event of both of their deaths it is split between my brother and I equally when he reached age 30 (I am 6 years older). That milestone is long past.
A number of years ago my mom wanted to revise their Wills to leave everything equally to their direct decendents. I actually had no problem with that but my brother did. He has 3 kids I have no BKs. He did not feel it was fair that what in his opinion should be my half of the estate would be diluted by his children. He told mom and dad that it was his job to leave an estate for his children and to either split their estate directly between he and I or donate his half to charity.
Mom and dad revised their will splitting it between their two sons and leaving certain personal items to the GKs. Interestingly when they were setting up to leave their estate to their direct decendents they were going to leave a stipulated lump sum to my Skid.
As a family we have not had to deal with the blended family multiple marriages thing. Both sets of my GPs were married for 50+ years, my parents are at 52, my brother and SIL are at 21 and my wife and I are at 20. My XW and I were only married for 2.5 and had no children.
To me following a divorce an estate transitions to subequent spouses instead of to children. If one or the other of the bio parents want to leave their portion of former marrital assets to kids that is there choice. The flaw in my perpsective is when a second family/set of children is derived. In that case all kids should receive an equitable share if any of them receive anything at all.
But, the variables are potentially infinite I suppose.
To be clear, I understand my
To be clear, I understand my husband's desire and right to provide for his children.
He is doing a good thing for me in our decision to leave each other 100% of our estates.
I want to provide for my daughter, who up until we started talking will I thought he liked and thought well of.
In fact, prior to our contacting a lawyer he originally said everything was going to be split equally.
Then he changed his mind. This is when my hurt feelings started.
I know there needs to be a separation between my feelings and this legal stuff but it is hard.
I earn much more than my DF.
I earn much more than my DF. I came into our relationship with more assets than him. His kids(SS23,SDs17,9&7) and I get along great. However, when I die, they will not receive anything. My son23 will receive the lion's share of my assets. Anything that I leave to DF will go to my son when he dies. This will be included in our prenup, postnup and wills.
His, kids (future wife, future stepkids...)will not benefit financially from my hard work and sacrifices.
Do look into Living Trusts -
Do look into Living Trusts - they're so much more flexible and can be changed at any time before death occurs.
THIS
THIS
Thanks for all your
Thanks for all your honesty....
It just feels awful that the ugly divides that exist continue...I have done so much for this marriage, to make us a family. It feels dismissive of me. I get to use his money as long as I'm alive, and I'm grateful for that, but it is saying that after it all...there is a lot that has happened and I have been strong, supportive,dealt with his kids when he couldn't etc.......my presence in his life is only worth 15%.
This is sad.
I dread having the talk about
I dread having the talk about our wills. Nothing has been updated since we got married. Maybe the church can help there. A neutral third party.