I had a little nuclear meltdown today
And I told my husband that I am going to disengage. There are alot of things my SS13 does that bugs me to no end. Most of the time I manage to keep my cool, ignore it and leave it to his dad. Meaning nothing is being said or done about it. But whenever I remind SS13 that he should pick up after himself, not talk with his mouth so full that bits are falling out, flush the toilet, not leave his dirty socks on my coffee table etc. he always says ok or sure and seems to be following through. But then 2 seconds later he is back to talking with his mouth stuffed with food again. Or he just leaves the socks somewhere else in the house instead of putting them in the hamper. This is every time and with every message that I give him. I feel really disrespected. Is this just normal teen boy behaviour that is to be expected? My two year old says please and thank you where as he has to be reminded each and every time.
Anyway, I told SS that I was sick of it and that it made me so frustrated. I didn't even raise my voice. He didn't say much, he just said ok. Then later he cried to his dad in the car telling him how I was not giving him any positive attention. My husband told me this when we had gone to bed and he asked me to not focus on the negatives with SS. That is when the meltdown happened. I just felt so powerless. I actually do try to focus on the positive with SS, and we do have positive interactions several times a day. But when he all day long does the opposite of what I tell him to, I am not allowed to say anything? So that's when I said that I'm disengaging. Hubby didn't like it of course, he said we should talk about it when I'm in a different state of mind. :jawdrop: Yeah, that won't happen. I'm done.
Your dh needs to find ss a
Your dh needs to find ss a day camp where he can meet other kids his age. It will not solve this situation but it'll get him out of your hair.
OMG I am going through the
OMG I am going through the same crap in my house. My SD13 has turned into a space cadet this summer as she's entered puberty. She can't do anything on her own! She has to constantly be reminded of every last thing. I disengaged about 6 weeks ago. DH has stepped up some, but he really doesn't notice what is being forgotten. The things that irk me are SD13 not taking a shower or brushing her teeth. I stopped reminding her in the beginning of July and she was down to one or two showers a week.
DH just got back from a business trip and HE can't remember to remind SD13 to shower or brush her teeth. It took her 30 minutes to get to the bathroom with about a dozen reminders from DH last night. She finally brushed her teeth. It's 7pm and she needs to shower or she doesn't get to go to a birthday party tomorrow. Do you think DH is going to remind her?
NOPE.
~ Moon
I can guarantee you that boy
I can guarantee you that boy has not even seen a washing machine in his entire life. He has no chores. He can't even be bothered to change his clothes, let alone wash, fold or put away. He has never done any of that. Its ridiculous. When HB asks him to help with something he wants money or he just says no, I dont want to. If HB makes him do it anyway there is hell to pay with whining, crying and moaning so that doesnt happen alot. When I talk to my DH about it he says that he agrees with me but that its so difficult because he doesn't live here full time.( thank God)
When it comes to the disengaging. I don't think I will be able to ignore it, no... Not in the long run. :O
Yes it is normal at that age
Yes it is normal at that age which is hardly permission to do it. It's normal only when a parent dosen't correct the behavior, time after time after time. Children are self centered disgusting creatures especially but not limited to boys. They must be taught by negative and positive reinforcement.
When he eats like that he needs to be sent off alone to eat and not in front of the TV. Demonstrating he's not social enough to eat in the company of others. Stand him in at the kitchen counter facing away from everyone and Daddy tells him he can return when he can keep his mouth closed. Repeat as necessary. His socks are hidden away until he's out and he goes without. Designate one bathroom as yours, lock it if necessary, let Daddy discover the remains left in the other one.
Disengaging doesn't mean you ignore him. If he speaks to you respectfully you answer in kind but it is your option if you want to take him to the mall etc. Disengaging means no disciplining. You don't have to volunteer anything, speak when spoken to but don't start conversations.
Positive reinforcement? Kinda adult-ish to be coming from a 13yo boy. I didn't know they knew the words. Tell Daddy he should be so involved with the kid the kid shouldn't miss attention from his step-mother.
I've disengaged a few weeks
I've disengaged a few weeks ago. My SD14 is usually only here EOW if she does come. I'm struggling with ignoring all the things she does that frustrate me. I don't spend much time in the same room with her just so I don't get upset. Her last week of summer visit ended today and with that a 2 hour with my DH. I basically showed him all the ways she has trashed her room and explained to him how I have had to take all my personal belongings out with of OUR bathroom because I cannot trust SD to stay out of them. I took her phone away twice and she still finds ways to disrespect me. He of course made every excuse imaginable for SD but I wasn't having any ot it. I told him that it would be nice if he could have just a little of the compassion he gives his DD. I'm felt to be the bad person for picking on SD. I laid it all out there for DH and told him that things would have to change and he would be the one to change them. I am done being the only one to make changes if no one else was willing to make changes as well.
I have counted on DH in the past to make changes and have felt we were on the same page only to be disappointed when SD returns and find DH has conveniently forgotten his promises. That is what hurts the most .
'over step' you've give him
'over step' you've give him your opinion and you only get one chance. Now close the door both literally and figuratively.
Let him do everything that has to do with her from cooking to cleaning to laundry. If he doesn't do it just leave it. Remember the difference between dirt and filth. If it get dirty leave it, if it gets filthy leave the house until its cleaned.
Garbage bags are the
Garbage bags are the solution. Big garbage bags. Any crap he leaves laying around goes in a garbage bag which goes to the curb on the next garbage day. No matter what it is. It goes in the currently active Skid crap garbage bag. Chewing with his mouth open or talking with food in his mouth ... dump the food off of his plate in the garbage bag and put his plate in the sink then sit down and finish your meal. Don't say a word, just do it. If he goes on a rant wanting to know where his crap is, just shrug and move on.
After he is down to one sock, a holey pare of underwear, mismatched shoes, no IPad or phone, etc.... he might gain some clarity. Either way ... not your problem.
I don't think I have the
I don't think I have the balls to pull that off Rags
I wish DH would though.
I hear you, but I guess I
I hear you, but I guess I find it difficult to do that when DH doesn't really support me.
DH can step up get it done
DH can step up get it done before you have to or he can bite his tongue. Good luck.
I so can relate! My 15 yr old
I so can relate! My 15 yr old as exactly the same. And dh doesn't care! Plus he plays xbox all the time and flunked 3 classes last year. I've been so stressed by this and I have lupus which is awful! I just gave up. I lock food in my room. Let him be a pig.. if people come over I just tell them ( in front of dh and as) "sorry about the mess. My ss refuses to clean up after himself and I guess dh doesn't mind. I work and have lupus as you know, so I can't do other people's jobs too." Wow does my dh get mad and ss embarrassed!! GOOD!! Try doing that.. might work!
Thanks for the tip, I will
Thanks for the tip, I will definitely try that
Sorry for your situation although it's nice to know I'm not alone 
It's easier to ask for
It's easier to ask for forgiveness than it is to ask permission. Just do it.
I have thrown a ton of crap out because the kids left it out. Not just my SS but my DS as well. My DS puts his toys up because one time I told him he had 30 mins to pick up his room and anything left on the floor was going in the trash. He didn't believe me. I threw a leaf bag full of toys in the dumpster. Mommy doesn't play.
I still throw crap away. SS asked me the other day if I'd seen his chewbaca shirt. I said no. I saw it- on the bathroom floor. Hopefully whomever bought it at goodwill will take care of it...
I'd love to throw my SD19s
I'd love to throw my SD19s laptop out. She just leaves it sitting on the kitchen table. DH would have a fit. }:)
~ Moon