Behavior Concerns
SS is five and BM just had a baby. Obviously there’s some jealousy going one, which was totally anticipated, especially being the baby for the past five years.
DH and I haven’t noticed any behavioral issues at our house, but we don’t have any children together yet, so he gets all of our attention. However, BM called DH last night complaining about SS’s behavior and asking DH for help. Apparently, he’s been telling BM:
- You are the worst mom in the world
- You don’t love me anymore and you give the baby all the attention
- And of course the worst one….. I hate you, I hope you die
Then, a couple of days ago he was throwing rocks at his older brother (her oldest son) and when she tried to talk to him and scold him for it, he SPIT in her face! And I guess he hits her all the time.
It is so weird for DH and I to hear these things because SS never acts like that around us. I’m not saying he’s perfect, he has tantrums like any other five year old, but never to that extreme. He certainly doesn’t hit us or spit at us, and he’s not aggressive towards others at all around us (but that kind of behavior is also not tolerated at our house and he knows that). We’ve always had a different parenting style than BM, and DH has had conversation after conversation with BM to try and get on the same page so that there is consistency between the two households, but BM has no interest in trying anything new and DH refuses to use spanking as a form of discipline – so there lies the inconsistency.
Ever since SS was about 2 maybe 3, I’ve noticed he acts one way around us and another way around BM, but I never really thought much about it because it wasn’t anything extreme (he would wear his hair in a Mohawk because that’s what BM liked, and at our house he would ask to have his hair combed over to the side) just little things like that. It never really seemed like it was anything I needed to worry about. This bad behavior/anger thing is very different though. All we ever hear from BM is he’s hitting, biting, saying hurtful things to his brother, etc. At our house he is so fun and loving. Rarely do we ever even see him get angry. Most of the time, when we ask him to do something he does it, he may not be happy about it, but he still does it. He even says to us that he doesn’t know why he is so bad at his mom’s and so good at our house.
Is this normal for kids that have two different households? We are only one overnight, in a two week period, shy of 50% custody so it’s not like he’s spending too much time with BM and not enough with DH. I do think a lot of it is because BM doesn’t spend enough time with SS. Even before the baby was born, she was constantly pawning him off on other people on her days. I’m just not sure if we are missing some big sign. Is there more going on here that we are missing? Or is it normal for kids in this situation to basically have two different personalities?
It's less "different
It's less "different personalities" than it is "different relationships".
My SD17 lived with her BM most of her life. BM has a horrible time with her - disrespect, yelling, eye rolling, back talk, not listening, all of that. In fact this past weekend it escalated to getting physical (on both their parts) and the police were called. We have never, EVER, seen anything like that from SD when she's with us. In fact we had the same conversation with her that her mother did (the one that escalated into a fight) and where she and her Mom came to blows, no one even raised their voice at our house. (SD did cry, it was a tough conversation.) It's not so much that she's a "different person" at her BM's, as it is that she and BM have a totally and completely different relationship than SD and DH (or SD and me, for that matter). Your BM definitely needs to get things under control NOW before she has a teenager... but there is NOTHING you can do about it. It's all up to BM to define the terms of her relationship with her child.
My skids BM is preggo right
My skids BM is preggo right now...I'm interested to see how they are going to react...
I'm not surprised that your SS is acting out, but it's not your DH's job to make him behave at BM's house, it's BM's. She needs to be able to handle her own kid.
I know my youngest skid, SD9 butts heads with her BM a lot, she gets away with soo much crap at BM's house, screaming in BM's face, throwing things at her etc. Every time the skids come back home we hear stories about how terrible SD9 was, for the most part she's good at our house...although lately I've noticed she's been more of a pain...maybe it's starting to leak over onto our side.
he SPIT in her face! And I
he SPIT in her face! And I guess he hits her all the time.
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WOW! He needs to tell BM to tear his ass up a few times and he will stop pretty quickly.
From what she says, she does.
From what she says, she does. She spanks him and yells at him, and apparently smacked him right across that face when he spit. I just don't think there's any follow through. I think when she's done yelling and spanking, he's allowed to go right back to playing. So he sees no need to change his behavior. A few minutes of scolding and then it's over. Where at our house, there are consequences and he loses privileges very quickly. He has a very limited time with video games and TV as it is, so when he misbehaves that's the first thing he loses.
You nailed it right there.
You nailed it right there. She will yell and hit him then he's allowed to go right back to playing. Most children would RATHER you smack them and let them go back to playing than make them sit down and write out a letter of apology and sit in silence for an hour.