Last week I wrote the below post, about SS's behavior when with BM. We had him through the weekend last week and had no problems with him, BM picked him up late Sunday night and DH called her yesterday to check in and see how the past 24 hours had gone. Big surprise, NO CHANGE. He pretended to spit at her this time (rather than actually spitting) and DH could hear SS in the background screaming and slamming the door. So DH offered to take him for a while and BM was quick to take him up on the offer, and now SS is coming to stay with us for two weeks straight. I'm very interested to see if after no time with BM for two weeks, whether or not any of the bad behavior will float over to our house. In one way we are hopeful that two weeks will turn into a month, and then six months, etc. so then we will have a better case for change of custody....but at the same time it makes me sad for SS that BM is so quick to get rid of him I'm really not sure that him staying with us for two weeks is the answer. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy to have him stay with us, but we already know that he strives in the structured environment we provide. So I almost feel like it's going to make going back to BM's house that much more stressful. Has anyone ever gone through this? Has an extended stay with one parent improved the situation?

LAST WEEKS POST:

SS is five and BM just had a baby. Obviously there’s some jealousy going one, which was totally anticipated, especially being the baby for the past five years.

DH and I haven’t noticed any behavioral issues at our house, but we don’t have any children together yet, so he gets all of our attention. However, BM called DH last night complaining about SS’s behavior and asking DH for help. Apparently, he’s been telling BM:
- You are the worst mom in the world
- You don’t love me anymore and you give the baby all the attention
- And of course the worst one….. I hate you, I hope you die
Then, a couple of days ago he was throwing rocks at his older brother (her oldest son) and when she tried to talk to him and scold him for it, he SPIT in her face! And I guess he hits her all the time.

It is so weird for DH and I to hear these things because SS never acts like that around us. I’m not saying he’s perfect, he has tantrums like any other five year old, but never to that extreme. He certainly doesn’t hit us or spit at us, and he’s not aggressive towards others at all around us (but that kind of behavior is also not tolerated at our house and he knows that). We’ve always had a different parenting style than BM, and DH has had conversation after conversation with BM to try and get on the same page so that there is consistency between the two households, but BM has no interest in trying anything new and DH refuses to use spanking as a form of discipline – so there lies the inconsistency.

Ever since SS was about 2 maybe 3, I’ve noticed he acts one way around us and another way around BM, but I never really thought much about it because it wasn’t anything extreme (he would wear his hair in a Mohawk because that’s what BM liked, and at our house he would ask to have his hair combed over to the side) just little things like that. It never really seemed like it was anything I needed to worry about. This bad behavior/anger thing is very different though. All we ever hear from BM is he’s hitting, biting, saying hurtful things to his brother, etc. At our house he is so fun and loving. Rarely do we ever even see him get angry. Most of the time, when we ask him to do something he does it, he may not be happy about it, but he still does it. He even says to us that he doesn’t know why he is so bad at his mom’s and so good at our house.

Is this normal for kids that have two different households? We are only one overnight, in a two week period, shy of 50% custody so it’s not like he’s spending too much time with BM and not enough with DH. I do think a lot of it is because BM doesn’t spend enough time with SS. Even before the baby was born, she was constantly pawning him off on other people on her days. I’m just not sure if we are missing some big sign. Is there more going on here that we are missing? Or is it normal for kids in this situation to basically have two different personalities?