Child Support
I just had a question for everyone. My household consists of me, my dh, his three kids, my daughter, and our son that we had together. He pays child support for his three kids and he shares equal parenting time with bm. I recieve child support for my dd. My question is this...I bought school clothes for my dd but not for my step kiddos because dh and I decided that the child support he pays to bm should be used for that. In the past, every time I bought clothes, shoes, coats etc for my dd I would also buy for his kids and it was becoming very expensive on top of his monthly child support obligation. Plus, then bm wouldnt buy anything because they didnt "need" it since I had already gotten it, yet was still recieving a large sum of child support. So anyway, long story short. After I bought these clothes for my dd, my step daughter asked if she can have new clothes too. I told her to ask her mom. She told me that her mom did get her some clothes but that she needs some for our house. So now I feel guilty. What are your thoughts??
Sure I have some thoughts.
Sure I have some thoughts. Buy SD a nice backpack and tell her to bring clothes when she visits.
I know this is tough. I get the heart strings thing. I struggled with them when my Skid would come home from Sperm Land visitation with tears in his eyes about how he had nice things and his three younger also out of wedlock Sperm Idiot spawned half sibs by to more baby mamas didn't. Of course on further discussion it was the Sperm Idiot and Sperm Grandhag who were loading him up with the guilt bullshit in a bid to get us to drop CS.
Keep the focus on BM and her providing for her kids. Tell the Skids that their dad gives their mom lots of money for clothes and other stuff for them.
IMHO of course.
its hard, especially if you
its hard, especially if you havent done it from day one, but you must tell this girl that if she needs clothes, etc. she has to ask her mom because her dad gives her money for that. and then you can explain that you buy your DD clothes because her daddy gives you money to do so.
after awhile she will figure it out and stop asking. if you dotn stop this practice it will bankrupt you and resentments will build because BM will be able to blow money on fun stuff when really that should be spent on her daughter.
So true and funny, thanks for
So true and funny, thanks for the laugh at the end lol. Yeah, I bought my daughter's clothes off the $5 table at walmart, so they are definately not name brand. I agree with you wholeheartedly about the material possessions and "keeping up with the Jones". I still buy my skids things from time to time, and bought them outfits for each of their birthdays in addition to toys. Being a split family seems to make them even more "spoiled" because now they have the income of 4 parents and two seperate households worth of Christmas and Birthday presents, plus double sets of grandparents, aunts & uncles etc. It's crazy.
Not easy, but not their
Not easy, but not their problem. That's what she gets CS for. The OP made the mistake of buying for ALL the kids before and now it is expected. Give them a hand, they want the entire arm. Never fails.
Life is not fair, best the kids learn that now and not later. We have clothes for SD13 at our house that we buy and since she likes it more than what her mom buys her, she takes it all, one item at a time. So whenever she comes and she has no clothes to wear at our house I simply say "Bring back all the stuff I bought, that you took home, because we're not made out of money."
It isn't ideal and of course as moms we can feel bad for the kids but sometimes the BMs just take advantage and that's not cool either.
I agree, however their mom is
I agree, however their mom is not suffering at all so it's hard because I keep buying all their necessities she takes advantage by not buying them things and then still get CS.
grace4mom - buy them what
grace4mom - buy them what they need to be at YOUR house. Buy NOTHING for her house. That is what she gets CS for.
thats how my skids bm is
thats how my skids bm is also...she will guilt trip us...she expects us to pay for certain things above CS on occation and I tell her that we will look at our budget and she will completely cross boundaries and guilt trip us about other things that we have chosen to spend OUR money on. I tell dh to remind her that we have met our obligation to her with CS and that anything above that is our decision to make. She does not get to dictate how we spend our money...none of her business.
Thats exactly what I am
Thats exactly what I am leaning towards, and I have explained that their mom gets CS and my dd's dad provides CS to me for her. I love your quote at the end...it's so true both dh and bm have taken advatage of me and I've had to set some boundaries and place the responsiblity back on them quite a bit. It has taken some time, but things have been going better and we havent had as many issues...knock on wood...
yeah, and she's not even a
yeah, and she's not even a single mother. She is married and she and her husband make more than me and my dh...
also, why would you buy stuff
also, why would you buy stuff just for your SD instead of her siblings too? simply tell her you cant afford extras for all 3.
i assume that otherwise the kids are nicely clothed/fed/taken care of with the CS? Sadly there are moms out there that dont take care of the necessities.
My SD is the oldest and just
My SD is the oldest and just happened to notice my DD new clothes. My two other skids are younger boys who dont take notice to that as much. Also, they have gotten a lot of hand me downs from my friend so they have a ton of clothes.
we do not buy school clothes
we do not buy school clothes for SD since we pay child support for her. her mom can do that and my DH has told SD he gives her mom money to support her.
i have always bought my SD 1 new outfit and a pair of shoes for school i am a great shooper and can get really nice name brand clothes/shoes for not much money so i figure i will contiue to do that but that is it. then i usually buy her all the name brand stuff all teen girls want for christmas... i figure this way she gets the brands her mom wont buy her and we got her what she wants for christmas.
i used to pick up more stuff if i seen a good deal for her but then she started just to expect it and did not even apprectiate it so i stopped doing it.
back when she was little we had to have seperate clothes for both houses and at that time i did get more stuff for her but now as a teen she is responsible enough and wants to take her clothes back and forth which i understand.....