Need constructive advise please
I want to start by saying that divorce is not an option for me, and I am overwhelmed with guilt for often feeling like my DH and skids are too much for me to handle. My first husband was a gambler and had anger issues that resulted in domestic disputes. I told myself that I wouldn't get involved with someone again who had addictions and so I re-married someone who is passive (the opposite of aggressive - imagine that) and struggles with alcohol and online gaming. From the moment that I moved in with him, after our wedding, he was staying up all night gaming and drinking. Not only that, but while he shirked his responsibilities, I picked up the slack and grew resentful and bitter. Part of my bitterness is that while he is our main source of income, I work more hours than he does. So he has more ‘free time’ than me and doesn’t use it to help our household. We have been married three years now and have seen two counselors and had countless conversations/fights over the same thing. He's gone two weeks now without a binge drinking episode and has been coming to bed, so there is progress. He helps out with our house a lot more than other husbands I know.
His kids are not well behaved and drain my energy leaving me with little to no energy left for him or my own kids. I find myself dreading the nights that we will have the kids and come home irritable, which sets the mood for the entire house. Also, he has several health issues (neck and shoulder issues, stomach issues etc) that seem to come up at the most inopportune times.
When he's sick, I pick up the slack for our household. This weekend for Easter we had plans to host dinner at our house and he came down with a stomach issue. So, I took the kids to church, came home to prepare my portion of dinner, took care of the kids and hosted 12 people. When it was all done he complained to me that everyone told him that they hoped he felt better except for me and that I didn’t even see if he needed anything or offer to make his dinner plate for him. First of all, this upset me because he totally ignored that I had told him that I was sorry that he didn’t feel well, and I gave him medicine before leaving for church. I’m hosting all those people and taking care of our kids so he can relax, and he can’t get off his butt and get his own plate!!?? Or at least ask for help if he needs it?
Second example….we were camping with my family over the 4th of July holiday two years ago (family tradition) and I had dealt with the discipline of his kids all day (which is typical because I can’t stand their behavior) and by the end of the day, I was DONE. So while his youngest was throwing a tantrum, I let him handle it while I sat around the camp fire. When he returned, he made some snide comment about me not coming to help him with his OWN son’s tantrum. Huge fight ensued.
I have come to the conclusion that he wants a MOM plus a WIFE. He wants me to take care of everything and still have enough energy to take care of him too. Well, I don’t! And now we are in an argument because he told me last night that I was a bad wife because I care about everyone else except for him. As if taking care of everything and allowing him to rest wasn’t enough.
He makes promises that he doesn’t keep. He procrastinates. He’s passive aggressive. He says he’s willing to work on things and will do good for a few weeks and then goes back to normal. Our fights revolve around this same issue all the time. I get annoyed with nagging him and I blow up and then he blames the conflict on me or sulks because I was “rude” to him or I’m just “mean” or I’m a bitch.
I really need constructive help with being loving while not enabling and showing empathy without babying. I need help with responses to these comments he makes me needing to do more for him when I have nothing left to give.
I totally agree, that change
I totally agree, that change starts with me. Which is why I was looking for constructive advise on how I could respond. Thank you for the book you mentioned.
This book is EPIC!!!! Got me
This book is EPIC!!!!
Got me thru my divorce of 20 years. Its why I moved on and did not become a bitter old woman.
Plus, it helped me become a better wife second time around. Love this book!!!
I agree. Our expectations for
I agree. Our expectations for each other need to be communicated much better. And we do need to find another counselor. Finding
one has been a struggle.
Since you say divorce isn't
Since you say divorce isn't am option, can you please send the 7 year old to live with her father? She should not have to grow up in a home with that man.
I agree with Ybarra, get help ASAP. It's one thing to keep finding loser men,but why bring kids into the mess? KiSS should not have to suffer because their parents make poor choices.
I think what is best for your kids should come before your desire not to divorce.
Divorce isn't an option, but raising two kids in that environment is. :?
Wow... these comments are not
Wow... these comments are not constructive.
Thank you! This was
Thank you! This was constructive!
Are you really "grading" the
Are you really "grading" the advise you are getting?????
To weird for my taste.
I was going to add some advise, but I am not in the mood to be graded.
Good luck with everything.
I'm not grading I am just
I'm not grading I am just shocked at the responses. I appreciated the one I said was constructive, since that was what I asked for. I didn't ask for all the judgmental rude posts. Where people are basing my entire marriage on a four paragraph vent.
This site can be very direct
This site can be very direct and to the point. Can't really come to a site and tell people how to give you advise and expect that to work.
Sometimes the most straight forward advise can be the best and what really helps someone to change.
marriage is a two way street. I believe both parties at all times make it what it is. i never believe it is just one spouse making the issues. That is why TOG mentioned that book. It is amazing.
You teach people how to treat you. Again, you teach people who to treat you. If you have taught your DH to treat you like a door mat, that is on you.
Time to be a more balanced person and teach him to treat you with love and respect.
http://www.harrietlerner.com/pages/about_harriet_lerner.htm
All the books above are perfect for this stage of your life.
Very good points. I believe
Very good points. I believe that it's very rare when one person is at the fault of a marriage failing. So for me, I would have to come to a place within my heart to know that I have tried everything within my power to make a difference. If I can honestly say to myself that there was nothing else I could do, then I would be able to quit.
Are you going to look at
Are you going to look at these books? You need a skill set to change your life.
Just... wow.
Just... wow.
Go to a website called
Go to a website called Freedomclasses/gateway church...watch the first 5 videos before you launch into specific categories of getting set free...trust me you need the foundation as a Christian first...It takes about and hour and a half to listen to each one...SO WORTH IT!!!!
If you take your walk seriously and want to get set free.....
Another great one after you have watched the first 5 videos is Bob Hamp/Media...EXCELLENT information for christians....
Also a great book for christian married couples is called Fighting for your marriage...by (daniels is the last name)...It is about learning how to communicate through the tough issues...even if your husband won't participate..I found this book one of the best books to help me learn to communicate effectively in all areas of my life....
I'll be praying that God gives you wisdom and revelation..He knows your heart girl...He came so we could be set free from our issues i life and have life abundantly.....private message me anytime......peace
But your current husband is a
But your current husband is a drunk. I'm also a Christian (but not a Bible thumper). I'm pretty sure it isn't God's desire for kids to grow in the type of home you descibed.
If your ex gets himself together before your husband, he could take you to court and get custody of your daughter. Just like you're trying to fix your husband, you ex may find a woman who wants to fix him. If she is successful, she may then push him to revisit the custody oEder due to the child living with a drunk.
Thank you, I appreciate your
Thank you, I appreciate your words
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Not very fair for you to
Not very fair for you to judge and tell me that I had "no problem" doing that the first time when you have no idea what I went through
Divorce isn't an option for
Divorce isn't an option for me at this moment, my response to you was based on my reasoning for that in my current situation. In no way did I mean to offend anyone who has ever been divorced, or judge them for their reasons. Everyone has their limit and everyone's circumstances are different.
Here is the non-judgmental
Here is the non-judgmental advice:
At the very least, your husband has a problem with alcohol. Encourage him to join AA or any other system of help. You should consider Al-anon or any other support group.
How much of a problem is the gaming? Could this be an addiction as well?
Now for the judgmental comment: When a man lays his hands on you that is not a "domestic dispute" - that is "domestic violence."
I agree that it's domestic
I agree that it's domestic violence, I divorced him. He never laid a hand on me but he was certainly abusive. That's why I'm not married to him anymore.
being willing to walk away is
being willing to walk away is what will save your marriage. Your husband is not the only mentally and verbally abusive man in the world. Lots of men really take advantage of their wives and treat them like their arch enemy. When you decide not to be your husband's opponent anymore, he will get the message. What most men do is beg and cry to prevent losing their wife and utterly regret their behavior and mistreating her. If you play your cards right, you can keep your marriage and get a changed man in process.
That was my experience. I stayed and put up with verbal abuse for WAY too long. Then I walked. He changed and took concrete steps to better himself and our marriage. I gave him a second chance. That was about four years ago. Things are the greatest they have ever been in our marriage. Not all guys can make that change or stick to it. I'm glad mine did.
That's wonderful news! I'm so
That's wonderful news! I'm so happy that he took the steps that you needed. Healthy boudaries really work! At what point did you trust that he was different?
Sorry you are going through
Sorry you are going through this. I hope this sounds constructive for you:
You remind me of my mom. She and my dad got divorced when I was young (stupid reasons...money, religion, etc)...probably had no business being married in the first place.
My mom got remarried to a man she met in church, my Ex Step Dad, years later. She also believed that since she was a Christian she was going to work 100% harder on this marriage to make it work. For us (my brothers and I) it was a living hell for their 15+ year marriage. Let me explain.
This man would always say sorry, change for an limited amount of time, and go back to being an ass, emotionally abusive (physical a couple of times) and then starting the "sorry, I'll change" process over and over.
My mom went to counseling at the church (with and without him) for years and even elders at the church tried counseling them before they said there was no hope really. He was who he was (angers me typing this because there was sooo much more BS than I can go into).
My advice is to see pastors, counselors and anything you need to really, really try to make it work if that's what you want to do...but do listen to what they are saying and be honest if nothing is changing. They may surprise you with their advice.
However, please keep in mind what this will do to your kids (long term if it doesn't get better). I went through so much hell with my Stepdad and Mom's relationship. I dated, got in relationships (including a marriage) staying way too long in them thinking I can "change" a guy. It was hell for me and took me way too long to change this mindset. Also, I don't have the best view of organized religion, either (even though I was raised in church) because of all I witnessed with my mom being a "Christian" and putting me and my brothers in this situation.
If it doesn't start getting better with counseling, please think of the long term effect on your children.
Best of luck to you and your children.
Thank you for sharing your
Thank you for sharing your story, I'm sorry that you had to go through that.
I'm sorry you are struggling
I'm sorry you are struggling but you already know this man is a mess. If he binge drinks and gambles, it's a bad environment for children. Did you know of his behavior before marrying him? I'm sorry to say chances are he will not change. I am also a Christian but I don't believe in being a doormat. He sounds incredibly passive aggressive. I've dealt with this type before. He will drain you of all you have. Think of yourself and your children.
My best advice is to come
My best advice is to come back to these comments tomorrow or in a couple of days and reread everyone's advice. I usually find when I post here that I want to hear something specific and that responses that go against what I want to hear grate with me on first reading. When I come back to them after a little while and re-read the comments I can see them from a different perspective and find most of them to be insightful and helpful. I know that you are feeling attacked, but people are just posting their opinions on what they would do if divorce was not an option, just because it isn't want you want to do right now doesn't mean that you are being attacked, it just gives you one more option to consider.
Thank you, that's a good
Thank you, that's a good idea.
Thank you, that was
Thank you, that was encouraging, I hope things work out for you as well.
Thanks everyone for your
Thanks everyone for your comments. I will re-read them in the morning with a fresh perspective. I apologize if anyone felt judged by my responses, that wasn't my intention. I got a little defensive the tone in some responses and felt that some were insensitive, but either way I appreciate everyone's time and thoughts. I'd like to add that when I wrote this I was venting and was fuming mad.
I have not read all of the
I have not read all of the comments in this thread. As a man I can tell you that your situation should not be tolerable and whatever your reasoning is for remaining in this situation you should not continue to expose your own child(ren) to this unhealthy situation. If you cannot leave, at least send your kid(s) away to a safe and more healthy environment.
The best indication of future performance is past behavior. You are repeating past choices and apparently expecting different results. That as they say is the definition of insanity. Only you can break this cycle of selecting unhealthy partners. You cannot fix them, you can only fix yourself.
No one marries to get divorced. That said I sure didn't. I would never have left my first wife even with as unhealthy as our marriage was and as miserable as I was. Fortunately she left me for her geriatric Fortune 500 executive sugar daddy boy friend which is the greatest gift I received from her. Followed closely by an amazing pair of elephant skin cowboy boots and a killer recipe for queso. I still have the boots and serve the queso several times a year at friends and family events. I keep a slightly evil smirk on my face every time I have those boots on or munch on chips and queso. Good things can come from the end of a bad marriage. }:)
The best thing to come from the demise of a toxic marriage is the learning experience and the opportunity to move on to a healthy amazing life without the personal behavioral baggage of the past. I agree that you do not need a therapist to tell you that you are codependent. However, a therapist can help you navigate the process and journey to reconnect with the you that you enjoy being. My XW and I sought counseling with both a behavioral relationship therapist (a Psych PhD.) and through my XW's church. From an effectiveness perspective the PhD. was far more effective than the Priest in both improving the marriage (though temporarily) and in helping me navigate becoming the Rags I enjoy being again. I lost track of him during the toxic duration of my 2.5 year first marriage.
Even if your DH will not go with you to counseling, I suggest that you go in order to begin the journey of becoming the Grace you enjoy being and should be.
Even after a toxic marriage (or two) life can be amazing and so can relationships. You just have to figure out how to avoid the mistakes and behaviors of the past.
It worked for me. 7mos of therapy with an amazing counselor reconnected me with the Rags I enjoy and as Doc said "I would never expected to find in you a person with such energy and a childlike joy for live. When you came into my office with your wife the first time you were an entirely different person than you are now. You don't need to be here anymore. You are fine. Go live your life as you and not as the person who you were when you first came to see me."
5mos later my divorce was final, I sold my business, changed majors for the 5th time, completed my engineering degree, 4 years later I married my amazing bride and this year we will celebrate our 21st anniversary while we live an amazing life of adventure together. My XW is on Dh #3 (I was #1) going through divorce #3, has three out of wedlock children by two different men (eventual DH#2 and eventual DH#3), and is paying off her $2Mil share of the embezzlement settlement my XMIL's former employer won against the family. I would have been married to her for 27 years this year if she had not divorced me. For that divorce I owe her a debt of eternal gratitude.
Good luck and take care of you. Give yourself a chance.
For books to read, I would
For books to read, I would also recommend "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans and "Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear Obligation and Guilt to Manipulate You."
But it will be very hard to change things until you change yourself. Realize your worth and quit allowing him to make you feel guilty for nothing.
Good morning everyone! Thanks
Good morning everyone! Thanks again for taking the time to respond. I have a lot to mull over. I want to clarify that while my husband has these unhealthy habits, he is not abusive. My first husband was, and I got counseling as well as read many of the books that you all suggested. I used to be apart of the blog that Patricia Evens hosts for verbal abuse. I do plan to check out some of the others that I hadn't heard of.
I realize that based on the information that you all got, it appears that he is toxic and I married the same man twice. I assure you that is not the case. I do realize that there are unhealthy similarites. My husband isn't unwilling to work on things and he does care, and that's the difference. He recognizes the areas that he needs help with, and he isnt opposed to counseling. In my experience, working with a pastor wasnt as helpful as a Christian counselor. I believe whole heartedly that my responses are a factor in the issues that we have in our marriage, and that is what I was needing help with. I believe that we have different love languages. Rather than being so caught up in what our house looks like, I could spend more time with him, stop sweating the small stuff.
I completely agree with the comments that my husband is immature. And while he makes poor choices in regards to where his priorities lie, he does do a lot of good things for our family and teach them important values. We go to church regularly, and we have bible studies with the kids once per week. Im not defending his actions in any way. He admits that actions speak louder than words, and that he needs to walk the walk. I think that our marriage is saveable and God can work in our lives if we allow him to. While I do believe that people cannot be changed, I believe they can change if they chose to. I believe that apporopriate boundaries can include seperation. I promise you all though that my children are not in an unsafe home. If they were, I would have no hesitation to leave with them and/or call the police.
Yep! We talked last night
Yep! We talked last night about that, and we are going to do that together as well. We are also going to attend some marriage retreats and our church does weekend marriage studies like Love and Respect, among others that we are going to invest our time in. Also, I loved what you said about how Christ served the Church, and husbands need to emulate that. Last night, my husband said the same thing.