Should we inform BM?
SD is 5. All throughout pre-k this last year she never informed HD of any of SD's school events. She told us about school pictures and we offered to buy some from her package (because she said the school wouldn't order 2 pkgs) she returned our check and said she would just give us one of hers which never happend. We mentioned it to her in text a few times, but never got a response. Anyway, there were several events I'm sure we missed because she didn't inform us and we didn't know we would have to contact the school monthly to find out future events (we thought a little better of BM at that time and assumed she would have let us known about school plays etc) At the end of the year is when we found out that we missed the elementary track meet. I was mad so I contacted the school and found out that SD's pre-k graduation would be in 3 days. Even up to that day, BM didn't mention it to us. BM was totally surprised and had a look of shock when we arrived at the graduation. ------ So there is the pre-story---- The first part of summer our regular visitation continued. Standard visitation on 1st, 3rd, & 5th weekends with a 2 hr visitation every thursday evening. BM had signed SD up for T-ball. I believe the only reason that she notified us with the game schedule is because the games were twice a week with the second game beginning at 6 pm on thursday (HD's visitation time with SD). BM refused to agree to move the visitation time to a different day. So we had to spend our 2hrs shared with BM at the tball game... (shrug) Oh well. Also to add to this SD acted awful at every game. She has separation anxiety from her mom, but only when her mother is near and she has to do something on her own.. ----- So the actual story---- SD just learned how to ride a horse by herself. We have been practicing on some rodeo events. Our summer visitation with her began on the 18th. On the 27th we signed her up for a play day rodeo. I asked HD if he wanted to inform BM of it. He said no. He wanted to see that SD would do it on her own with no acting out like she did at the ball games. Also this was our first time to participate with this particular riding club, so we didn't know anything about the way they did things, what all events were offered, or even where exactly the arena was. (SD did amazing! she won 4 ribbons out of 5 events!!) When BM and her step dad called to talk with SD that evening, they were irritated to learn that SD had an event and they weren't notified. This last weekend was BM's extended summer weekend where she got to take SD for 1 weekend during our summer visitation. When she returned SD yesterday, she caused a scene in the front yard, right infront of SD. Saying that she was pissed that we didn't inform her. That she went out of her way to get us the tball schedule and she expects the same courtesy. As i said above, i truely belive that if the games didn't conflict with HD's visitation she wouldn't have said anything to us, just like she didn't inform us of any school events that didn't coinside with HD's visitation. When she said this, I had to walk away to keep from escalating the discussion. HD isn't a confrontational person so he just told her "not to take offense. This was the first time we had been to that riding club and didn't know how things worked or even where the arena was until we got there."
I kind of see it as, there is no set schedule of these rodeos. I choose which ones i want to go to based on when and where they are. Obviously not entering in ones that fall on the weekends that SD is with her mother. Also because of her acting out when BM is near, im almost hesitant to inform her of the rodeos. Rodeo's are quite expensive, so i don't want her to refuse to participate because BM is there. Also based on what happend at the tball games when SD was in our custody BM would try to take SD away from us. Not like straight forward grab her from us, but she would lead SD away from us. And SD only being 5 and being with her mom the majority of the time, would follow not knowing that she needed to stay with us. I don't want this to happen at a rodeo. SD needs to stay with us and be prepared for the next event that she would be participating in.
So my question is, If you were in our shoes and were purposely not told of several events would you tell her about upcomming events?
If you are the one paying for
If you are the one paying for it, I don't think you need to inform her. It's something you do with SD on YOUR time. Would you have to inform her if you took her to an amusement park? So she could see SD having fun? Or fishing to see her catch her first fish? THis is YOUR time. And maybe, just maybe, BM will see that she gets what she gives and start behaving better. I wouldn't count on this though. And for future reference...get the school calendar from their website or from the office. Email the teacher. Etc Etc. Handle it on your own. Will save a lot of tension and stress and confusion
Agreed...
Agreed...
"BM will see that she gets
"BM will see that she gets what she gives and start behaving better"
Total generalization, but I have never, EVER, had someone treat me badly and thought to myself, "Gee, I should be nicer to that person!" I invariably think, "I KNEW that person was a jerk!"
We have contacted the school
We have contacted the school and they know us by name now
We aren't going to expect BM to give us any information about SD school related or otherwise unless it directly effects us.
Does dh know who SDs teachers
Does dh know who SDs teachers are? He should email them regularly and make sure the school has a copy of the court order outlining his legal rights to sd. He should also look at the school website calendar for events, times and dates.
Well.... I guess it kind of
Well.... I guess it kind of depends on what you want FROM BM in the future. True, you've got no obligation to tell her about events on your time. But, tit for tat, then she doesn't have to tell you about anything on her time either. Yeah, I know, you think she only did with t-ball because she had to. You could be right. And if you see more of that then you can stop telling her about things, of course. But if you don't tell her about stuff then she definitely won't tell you, and you won't have a leg to stand on to complain about it.
Your DH needs to get on the
Your DH needs to get on the schools mailing list and check the school's events calendar. Also get on the teacher's mailing list.
DH should get info directly
DH should get info directly from the school.
Bm should be informing him of things; he should be informing her.
Although, if something is only on his time, he is taking on the expense, then he doesn't HAVE to any more than he HAS to tell her he is taking sd to the zoo.
But if I were you, I'd stay out of it and let them handle it their own way.
I'm with you on that,
I'm with you on that, actually, I'd stay of it as well. I have entirely too much going on in my life to worry about what Person A is telling Person B and whether Person B should tell Person A about something else, unless it's something that will directly affect my limited time resources.
Being in the middle of DH and BM makes me nuts, is what I'm saying, so I steer well clear and just let them do whatever the hell they want. But I'm pretty well disengaged and happy with it. 
It's for her development. She
It's for her development. She needs to get the confidence to be in the world without her mom's shadow on her every single moment. I understand the behavior issue very well, of being a different kid when a certain person is nearby.
You will probably be wasting your money on the rodeo if she's allowed to regress to babyhood at every rodeo cuz her mom's there.
Because of all this, I would tell mom these aren't really competitions, per se. They are Daddy Daughter events. Or some other bullshit. If she enters a "real" rodeo at age 10 or something, that's the time to welcome the rest of the family. By then, hopefully she won't melt into a puppy with separation anxiety at the sight of mom any more.
If BM gets belligerent about it, tell her you could have refused to allow kid to participate in the T ball game when it was his custody time. Make sure she knows two can play this game, in the kindest possible way, of course.
DH could even say he's making up for the Daddy daughter time he lost at the T ball events on his custody time.
they aren't daddy/daughter
they aren't daddy/daughter events. Infact, daddy doesn't ride horses. I (stepmom) do. So its more of a stepmom/daughter event. My son does it too, so its really a family event. Infact this last rodeo I even participated in all the events. I don't mind sharing this time, but im not going to allow BM to take over this time or SD's behavior to go awful because BM is around. HD does play a big part in the kids lives but he is nonconfrontational so he won't stand up to BM especially infront of ppl. I decided i'll allow her to come to 1 and if SD acts out or BM tries to take over she won't be notified of anymore.
I wouldn't inform. If she
I wouldn't inform. If she were a regular BM who chose to mother rather than SMOTHER, I'd say tell her. But, there is some underlying weirdness here and SD doesn't need her mom there making things uncomfortable for everyone else by not allowing SD room to just be a kid for goodness sake.
(My SD's BM also smothers, so I know the kind of scene you speak of.)
I think you tell her. But,
I think you tell her. But, be clear, that you are only doing so because you expect her to do the same. If she doesn't tell you something going forward, stop informing her. Just be clear to her. Factual, not mean. She needs to understand that you have to co-parent and if she doesn't, she will miss out.
In my opinion you have no
In my opinion you have no obligation to inform the mother especially considering her past behavior.
However by taking the high road you set a precedence that she'll find hard to ignore in the future. Remember it won't necessarily be school activities which Daddy can get information on at the school. She may soon be in outside of school activities.
As for her acting up when Mom is there I'd suggest that Dad ask Mom to "sneak" into the audience the first time and reveal herself at the end of the rodeo. Then next time she can let the kid know ahead of time she'll be there thus preparing the girl for her presence.
Of course if the girl acts up then perhaps its best if Mom continues to sneak in.
I do think it's ridiculous
I do think it's ridiculous that you and DH hold it against her for not notifying you about school activities. That is not her responsibility when that information is easily accessed on the school website and teacher email.
Now that you know she'd like to be included, just offer the information. If there's a ribbon involved, I'd be pissed if I didn't get to be there for my son to see it. She's not able to access that info on a website, you actually kept that from her, getting back at her for something that wasn't her responsibility.
I get that maybe sd acts up, but it may be in the child's best interest to overcome that by confronting that issue. As much as I hate BM, I never let the SD's speak badly about her and always encourage a good relationship between them because I know what it feels like to have the opposite done to me by my ex just out of spite.
School events really are up
School events really are up to each parent to keep abreast of - and yes, that sometimes means having to do some work. Extracurriculars? Each parent should keep the other informed. Sometimes it means taking the high road, even when it's not reciprocated. But is this really about the parents, or about the kid? Who likely wants both parents to share in her successes - and failures. Sure, it sometimes sucks to have made all the arrangements and have the other parent "steal" the glory of the kid wanting to glom onto them. BTDT. Suck it up.