My boys and their Step Dad
DH is great with my boys. He loves them and takes care of them. He's honestly way better at step parenting than I am. I have an 11 year old son and (2) 7-year-old twin boys. The oldest loves DH and there are zero issues. He's been in their life 3 years.
The twins are just...ugh. I don't know if their loyalty is divided or if possibly BD is putting things into their heads but they are so conflicted in their feelings for my husband. They love him, clearly. They ask for him all the time and seem super happy to spend time with him. I know for a fact he spends more time doing fun things with them than their birth father does. Their birth dad is also a good man but he works a lot and certainly enjoys his 'me' time.
They will go to leave the car and say 'I love you Mom. I don't love you (StepDad) Bye.'
Why would they even say that?
Or they will say 'I want to go to the park with you but I don't want (Step Dad) to go.' I know it would piss me off to hear skids saying that so I feel terrible for my husband I tell my boys right away that it's hurtful to say these things and ask them what is going on that would make them say that.
It's not like they 'Never get Mom time alone' because they do! I have them to myself most of the time (and honestly they SPEND that time asking when my husband is going to be home)
I mean, why? Do they feel bad about caring for my husband. He's literally done nothing but treat them as if they were his own. He doesn't push a relationship on them but he does so much to provide for them and he's coached sports teams and he's been patient and kind to them. He always thinks of them first and it really upsets me that my 7 year olds are treating him this way.
What's going on?
Sounds like conflicted
Sounds like conflicted loyalty to me, but it's tough to know just from a post. Have you asked the 11 year old? Sometimes siblings have a better insight into that stuff and can tell you what's going on.
That's a good idea. I will do
That's a good idea. I will do that. They are smart boys. I think sitting down with them and discussing this is where I need to start.
I have done this by 'That's
I have done this by 'That's fine. We will not go out for pizza because StepDad paid for half and since you don't love him- he doesn't need to worry about making sure you're fed. You can have peanut butter and jelly at home' and then of course they change their tune. They also are always laughing and making jokes so it's hard to be like what is serious but it's definitely projecting some feeling.
And I agree. DH needs to disengage. Although, to be fair, I take care of them mostly. I rarely ask DH to ever do any 'favors' for me like watching them or picking up things for them. We're out of baseball season and no longer coaching. What else can he disengage from? Hmmm. I'll have to think about that.
Oops Dup.
Oops Dup.
Saying biodad makes it hard
Saying biodad makes it hard for them is only an excuse. If you were being treated like that by your skids, would it be acceptable because BM makes it hard for them?
My SSs treat me like this...and largely due to BM and MIL...however, I am an adult, I do support them, they do live with me, and therefore like me or not, they do need to respect me...regardless of what BM and MIL says. And I feel the same way regarding my children and DH.
I think a sit down private
I think a sit down private meeting with the boys is in order without step dad. And I so think talking to my oldest would be good. I can at least take them out of an area of joking and laughing and say 'What is going on?'
I know they are only 7 but
I know they are only 7 but this is just disrespectful, and at their age, they can be taught respect even at this age. My daughter was 9. I knew she loved my DH (FDH at that time) and wanted to be around him, but she too would do things like that to slight him...usually right before going to BF's or right after coming home from her time with BF. My DH never said anything, but I could see that it hurt him. He cared very much for my children, and did so much with them...much more than their father did...very similar to your story, my exH is pretty involved with "me".
Anyway, after noticing this for a couple weeks, and talking to her numerous times, telling her this was not appropriate, rude and disrespectful, she kept it up. So I said "Fine. If that's how you want to be towards DH then you best get used to DH doing NOTHING extra with or for you. Because I will NOT allow him to continue to do things with you, for you, or give you things if that's how you intend to treat people who care about you." I spoke to DH and told him to stop involving her in things he did, stop taking her places, stop getting her "treats" here and there, stop EVERYTHING. Matter of fact, you don't even need to talk to her unless she initiates conversation. She caught on real quick that something drastic had changed in her relationship with her FSF. She came to me and asked "why is DH mad at me? Doesn't he like me anymore?" I told her, remember we discussed this BD...you will be treated how YOU treat those that LOVE you. Therefore, if he is unimportant to YOU, then you will be treated as if you are unimportant to HIM. He doesn't HAVE to love you and treat you and take care of you like he does, he CHOOSES to, and just like anyone, if they get treated poorly by those they choose to love, they soon stop choosing to love them and do for them.
Eye opener for her. She walked right up to him, apologized for her behavior, told him she loved him, hoped he would still love her and from then on, other than basically a typical parent/child relationship (the same she is towards me and her biodad) they have had a great relationship. Put your son in his place. Stop making excuses for him and poor behavior. Do you want him to become a skid that gets vented about like others on here? You're only doing him a favor by teaching him the proper way to treat people, especially adults, and even more so, adults who take care of him.
This is GREAT advice. I'm
This is GREAT advice. I'm really hoping I can get DH on board with disengaging while we show the boys that respect equals love. Thank you so much. I know it would KILL my boys to have my husband ignore them. I just can't imagine why they are acting the way they do. And I have to say it's coming a lot from the one who is attached to my hip.
"Put your son in his place.
"Put your son in his place. Stop making excuses for him and poor behavior."
Hangingbyathread6, you are my hero. Fshhsfsphshshhsuaua......this is my sighing in relief and joy at the above words in quotes.
Your DH needs to do nothing
Your DH needs to do nothing for them and then explain why. Otherwise, nothing else you can do. Also, you can be sure that your ex is not poisoning them against the Stepdad.
It kinda sounds to me like
It kinda sounds to me like they're trying to make "manly" jokes at his expense, to tease him the way boys tease each other. When you talk to them, just try to make them understand how this can be hurtful. If they love him and he loves them, I don't see any reason for him to disengage. Rather, your rambunctious boys need to be given clearer boundaries. Good luck.