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How many of you would still be in your skids lives if you weren't with the bio parent?

daboywonder2002's picture

Submitted by daboywonder2002 on Mon, 07/28/2014 - 12:26pm

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General Discussion

Let's be honest folks. I see a lot of people saying they treat the stepkids as if they were your own. But are you doing this out of the kindness of your heart or because you feel your obligated to? if you and the bio parent ended things, how would the relationship change with you and the stepkids. ill go first. for me, some things would change but some would stay the same. for example, we always go to wwe wrestling whenever they come to town. that would still happen. if they need something small like a video game, a controller, i can do that. i can still help with homework. give them advice on things. if im invited to a karate tournament or basketball game i would still go. now some stuff i would not do anymore. some things are for bio parents only, medical bills(unless its a life or death situation), dental bills(braces, etc), education(not paying private school or college tuition). that should be for the bio parents only. buying expensive gifts.

zerostepdrama's picture

Submitted by zerostepdrama on Mon, 07/28/2014 - 12:35pm

0%

I dont even act like they are part of my life now....

Gosh if DH and I split up and I never had to even THINK about his kids... wow now that is paradise....

thinkthrice's picture

Submitted by thinkthrice on Mon, 07/28/2014 - 1:36pm

Ditto!

The big G's picture

Submitted by The big G on Tue, 07/29/2014 - 3:35pm

Ditto,

dragonfly5's picture

Submitted by dragonfly5 on Mon, 07/28/2014 - 12:59pm

They are not my own, and I do not treat my stepkids as if they were my child. I have a child, they are not mine. I do however, treat them with the same respect I do anyone that is in my world.

For me, you treat your stepkids as your own if your DH or DW had "God forbid" passed away and you would raise them as your own. I would not. I would be happy to have them back at Crazo's full time and not at my house.

And yes I like/love my skids, but I am very, very clear. They are not mine.

You would still choose to be a part of their lives. I would not. I could not and would not deal with the piece of crap they have as a mom. I did not choose this person to be a part of my life my DH did when he married her.

Unfreakingreal's picture

Submitted by Unfreakingreal on Mon, 07/28/2014 - 1:06pm

I guess that would depend on whether or not they would want to stay in contact with me. If they did, great, if not, that would be fine too. I don't think I would go out of my way to remain in their lives, but if they reached out to me, I would definitely reciprocate.

Orange County Ca's picture

Submitted by Orange County Ca on Mon, 07/28/2014 - 1:18pm

My steps are in their 40's and my contact is immeasurable except by the finest of measuring instruments. A Nano-year, 1/1000 of a year, each year.

If their mother passed the finest of measuring instruments could not detect any contact with them. I don't hate or dislike them, they're independent and functioning, they just have never recovered from their adolescent dislike of a step-parent. I'm tolerated and that's it.

SMof2Girls's picture

Submitted by SMof2Girls on Mon, 07/28/2014 - 1:41pm

I can't imagine that if things ended with DH and I that I would have anything to do with his kids. Why would I?

I guess if they were older they could choose to keep in touch with me, and I'd be okay with that. But being that they are young, I can only imagine how confusing it would be for me to stay involved in their lives. Not to mention BM would fight it tooth and nail.

ocs's picture

Submitted by ocs on Mon, 07/28/2014 - 1:55pm

not just no, but HELL NO.

That said, her BM would probably find a way to try to get money out of me.

daboywonder2002's picture

Submitted by daboywonder2002 on Mon, 07/28/2014 - 3:35pm

this is why i like this website because a lot of you are real. most other sites you hear the typical oh i love them and treat them as if they were my own. im certain that if most step parents and the bio parent broke up, the stepkids would be a distant memory to a lot of people. the love we feel for our bio kids is authentic and geniune. we would go to the end of the earth and back for our bio kids. it doesnt matter if you are with the other parent or not. but with stepkids its different. its all good when you are all together. but god forbid you ever break up, most people wouldn't think twice about the step children.

SMof2Girls's picture

Submitted by SMof2Girls on Tue, 07/29/2014 - 2:31pm

I don't know that it's really so simple.

I DO love my stepkids. My stepfamily drama comes from BM.

The reality is no matter how much I love them, I have no legal right to them. Would I like to see them from time to time? Maybe, if they were older. But not at the expense of my own well-being and moving on with my life. If that means facing my DH and drudging up hard feelings or rehashing our divorce all over, then it's best fr me to avoid that situation altogether.

Regardless of how you FEEL about your skids, that does not give you legal right or standing to try and maintain a relationship with them. I'm just not certain that it's even healthy to do so (with younger ones anyway).

rahrah2019's picture

Submitted by rahrah2019 on Mon, 07/28/2014 - 4:26pm

I would give to that relationship exactly what I get from it. Zero, nada, zilch... nothing. And that's exactly how much time I would spend engaging with SS ever again if I wasn't with my husband.

CompliKated's picture

Submitted by CompliKated on Mon, 07/28/2014 - 5:28pm

We are just dating so no. it would seem possibly unhealthy for them and him for us to remain in that kind of contact. Considering how amazingly well they have done with the divorce I am sure they would be totally fine if I disappeared. They would miss my dog though.

byebyebirdie's picture

Submitted by byebyebirdie on Tue, 07/29/2014 - 11:28am

i would not ever contact my SD if me and husabnd split up. i would not even say hi if we pasted on the street . i cant wait till she turns 18 and the visitation stops and i can turn her bedroom into a guest room!

GhostWhoCooksDinner's picture

Submitted by GhostWhoCooksDinner on Wed, 07/30/2014 - 12:56pm

SS15 currently refuses to acknowledge my existence, so I'd have to return the favor.

mixedemotionsaboutstepdaughter's picture

Submitted by mixedemotionsab... on Mon, 08/18/2014 - 4:02pm

No. I mean, I get along ok with my SS17...but, he can be a real jerk sometimes. He's so overly consumed with himself right now, he doesn't give two sh*ts about anyone else anyway. DH has dated so many different women in SS17's life, he has no regard for women in general anyway. So, I'm sure he could care less about me either way.

As for SD7, HELL TO THE NO! I can't stand her BM, and really don't care for her. I would probably distance myself from her if she did try to stay in contact with me.

learningallthetime's picture

Submitted by learningallthetime on Mon, 08/18/2014 - 9:55pm

I am in contact with the skids still. Not through my ex, but through his ex-wife prior to me. It is not a constant thing, but we will meet up once a month or so on our time (she has a 50/50 court order, and I try and match it) so the children understand they are a family outside of their father. When I pick up BS7 I will often speak to the other kids. I get on well with the girls (15 and 13 now), not so well with ex-SS10. Due to issues at dads house their are also counselors involved who fully are involved and agree with the visits.

The skids are BS7's family. They will likely be at big events in the future and us having a civil relationship certainly will be beneficial. Additionally, my ex launched a predictable hate campaign about me after we split and this interaction has somewhat stopped the effect and prevents my BS7 being exposed to vitriol (He told me last time the GF started saying mean things ex-SD13 jumped in and told GF she always liked me).

I am sure some will disagree with my approach, but it works, ex is constantly looking at jail, and is a lot older than me. I want BS7 to grow up knowing his siblings regardless of his father. If me and their mom did not facilitate this now, it would be more difficult in the event he starts wearing orange!

learningallthetime's picture

Submitted by learningallthetime on Mon, 08/18/2014 - 10:09pm

I commend you! And all situations are different, and I completely understand people wanting to walk away. I cannot say how I would feel without BS7.

I will say, when friends get involved with people with kids I ALWAYS warn them...before you get too close ALWAYS remember they could be taken away in an instant. My ex was an abusive asshole, and the skids drove me insane, but after we split, the emptiness was soul destroying - I went from a family of 7 to just me and BS7. You realize no matter how much you loved and cared, it means nothing.

I watch exes new GF try so hard and wish I could explain to her (I see the signs already...he made rude comments to her in front of skids mom last week and at meet the teacher tonight was joking with me and laughing that the teacher thought we were still a couple - while I threw up a little in my mouth - yes I should be an actress!).

Step-parenting is so hard from every angle. I am seeing a guy right now and sadly am happy his son lives with his mom states away. Mainly because I get too close!

But the skids are still people I lived with for 6 years, and especially SD13, we formed a real bond. Even my ex says about how SD13 talks about me still and misses me.

Needalifeboat's picture

Submitted by Needalifeboat on Tue, 08/19/2014 - 7:36am

Well the skids wouldn't want to have a relationship with me, nor would BM let them.

I'm on the verge of a breakup now so this scenario is about to play itself out. I'll wonder about them and how they're doing but won't actually "miss" them.

Mentalgirl48's picture

Submitted by Mentalgirl48 on Tue, 08/19/2014 - 8:35am

I would hope they are well and surviving the horrible parenting they have lived through..but all in all..see you LATER SKIDS! NO I see how they will be are turning out and they will be people I don't want in my life.

OrangeUGlad's picture

Submitted by OrangeUGlad on Tue, 08/19/2014 - 8:59am

I may be facing this soon... cause I am ready to walk out. This has caused me to think about this quite a bit.

We have sd8 50/50+ and I actually have her more than dh does, because he leaves for work in the mornings before she gets up, so I am with them during most of the time he has her, plus every morning before school I get her up, get her ready, drive her 20 mins to school. And I babysit now and then when he has to work on the weekends. I have been in her life so long that she doesn't remember a time I wasn't around- although she does remember when I had my own apartment.

Anyhow- we are very close. If I leave, my hope would be that I get to see her once evening a week and one weekend day at first for the transition. After a couple of months, I would still be here to talk to her whenever she wants and would like to see her once a month or so. I would want to be invited to important events. It would all be on my terms, though.

I could see bm and dh wanting to use me to babysit. Nope.

I think both dh and bm would be supportive of that (even though bm hates me).

I would buy her gifts for bday and big holidays, but would not contribute to any kind of living, educational expenses, etc. (Though, honestly I would if I could afford to and she was in need- neither of which are the case.) Or the mounting legal bills to fight bm's custody claim.

This is all based on my guess of what it might be like- though I could see where it could easily fall apart. When dh and I first got together, he broke up with me after a few months of dating. We had been very close friends for a year before dating. We were going to stay friends. Then we went on a trip to see his parents and he arranged a date for himself and left sd with me to babysit! Even though I said no. So if he tried to pull crap like that and take advantage of me, it wouldn't work.

mel35's picture

Submitted by mel35 on Wed, 08/20/2014 - 6:17am

As a skid myself, i would hope that my Stepdad would want to keep in contact with me. I am closer to him then i am my mum and he is an awesome grandad to my kids!

I do remember us having our moments when i was younger and more resistant to his rules etc, yet as a young adult and now an adult with her own kids, i have grown to truly appreciate his presence in my life. I would be lost without him.