Bio-Parent Translator...What Would You Add to the Database?

So...I'm probably procrastinating right now...but I'm enjoying the teenage stepkid boot camp game and thought of another one thanks to a comment from Futuro:

Your SO says SS needs new "mommy" stat??!

Translation: "I don't really want to parent, so I need a mommy for SS so that I can go on about my life while this new mommy helps pay my bills and does all the housework including mothering SS so I can live my life. Oh, and I like sex, too."

I'm thinking that there needs to be an online Bio-Parent Translator. Like a database website portal where new stepparents can enter what was said, and the website will spit back out what was really meant. Or an app.

What would you add to the database?

Mine would be:

1.) "But they're just KIDS! What do you expect?!?!"

Translation: "I don't want to parent, because I'm (lazy, afraid, guilty). It's easier for me to keep the peace at your expense; I'd rather make you uncomfortable than enforce discipline and boundaries with my children. But please don't quit doing all the nice stuff you do around here. And I still want sex."

2.) "What about THE KIDS?!?!?!"

Translation: "Look. I have kids, and that gives me special privileges. My kids are a trump card in this marriage, and I kind of expect to get my way about everything because of them. I think that your life and your schedule really ought to revolve around kids that you didn't create, even when it majorly inconveniences you. But please don't quit doing all the nice stuff you do around here. And I still want sex."

After we built the database for Bio-Dads, we could start working on Bio-Moms...and then maybe even the in-laws and society at large...

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3.) I told BM I'd watch skid

3.) I told BM I'd watch skid 157 extra days this year, but continue to pay her full CS

Translation: I am scared shitless of BM because she holds skid over my head and threatens to take my back for more CS if I piss her off. So I'd rather piss my current wife off, than piss my ex off.

4.) It's for the skid!

Translation: I will do favors for BM, such as loan her my vehicle, loan her money, give her a ride, pick her nose, wipe her ass etc. because EVERYTHING that has to do with BM can be justified as being "for the skid" We wouldn't want skid to not have a ride, or money or a mommy with a buggery nose or stinky ass now would we?

Bahahahahahahaha!

Bahhhhaaaa...keep em coming.

"They were here

"They were here fiiiiirst."

Respnse: And I'll be here LAST. That is, IF you get your priorities straight. If not, enjoy growing old alone.

"But she's the mother of my chiiiiiiiildren." OR "It's for the chiiiiiiiildren."

That was one of my ex's favorite lines, when he'd run off to help fix her car or her hot water heater or whatever the hell else. It was INFURIATING. Translation: "My balls are still in my ex's purse and always will be." There's a reason he's an EX!

5.) She is only (insert age

5.) She is only (insert age here) years old!

Translation: She should never be held accountable for anything she does or says because she is my BABY!

My SS is 12 and DH just

My SS is 12 and DH just stopped using that line last year. It gets old fast.

My So used it up until YSD

My So used it up until YSD was almost 13. It did get old very quickly. I would remind him, She is NOT only (insert age here) years old, she IS (insert age here) and at that age she she should be either doing certain things or NOT doing certain things.

HEY GOODLUCK, I just put in

HEY GOODLUCK, I just put in Veggie Tales for skid, come here, didn't you want me to check out the drip in the bathroom?

Translations---

Haha...my ex and father of my

Haha...my ex and father of my kids line was...I need help finding my socks.
I think my kids eventually caught on to this secret "code" though.

"I want them to enjoy

"I want them to enjoy themselves while they're here."

Translation: I am a Disney Dad and they are Children Of Divorce (COD), which means they are SUPER delicate little flowers. If they don't have fun 120% of the time they are here or have to put a issue in the trashcan they walk by 97 times a day, they won't want to come over.

NAILED IT!

Tissue, not issue! lol

^^^This one!^^^

These are great!!! I need to

These are great!!! I need to remember some of these.

Last night we are sitting at the kitchen table, FH tells SS10 he needs to go work on his homework, SS brings down his worksheet because god-forbid we have a conversation that he can't hear, ugh, anyhow, FH starts complaining about SS atrocious handwriting and has the audacity to say "I think I need to speak to your teacher about your handwriting, what are they teaching you". I couldn't keep quiet any longer (I work in a school) so I say wait a minute, you want to know why his teacher isn't doing something about his handwriting? He has been in her class since September and has 30 other children to teach as well, he has been your son for almost 11 years, you have no other children at home right now, and he's sitting right in front of you writing like that, maybe YOU should teach him something!!!

I went upstairs and watched tv, SS worksheet was on the kitchen table when I came down later, FH made him rewrite everything. I'm still irritated.

Girl crush on Coco!!!

"I didn't notice that" aka "I

"I didn't notice that" aka "I have no idea"

Translation: Parent is not paying any attention at all to SKs and/or what they are doing. They assume that SKs do nothing but good things and make nothing but good choices. If the SM notices something "wrong" then it must be because the SM is too uptight or doesn't know how to parent.

^^YES^^ The problem is you.

^^YES^^

The problem is you. Always.

See also: 'They're just kiiiiiids' and 'I think you're overreacting because you don't have children and aren't used to them.'

Related Phrases: 'I've never made her do it that way before.' and 'I'm sure she didn't mean it that way'

"I didn't notice

"I didn't notice that"

Translation: I CHOOSE to not notice that. I hope YOU will clean/pick up whatever mess Skidly has made without saying a word to me. If I have to parent Skidly, Skidly might get his knickers in a twist, open a big ol' can of pout, and not want to come over.

You just hate my

You just hate my kids.

Translation: I'm a crap parent and won't discipline my feral children, so don't expect them to be nice to you/clean up their mess/take a shower/whatever.

Feral children.... LMAO!!!

"She's an adult now. I can't

"She's an adult now. I can't do anything about her behavior now."

Translation: I didn't parent when she was a kid, and I'm too scared to speak up now. Can't you just ignore her bratty ways like I do?

Yeah at what point did the

Yeah at what point did the switchover occur from:
"They're just kiiiiiids"
to
"They're adults now"

Hmmm. For me, I think that

Hmmm.

For me, I think that transition occurred somewhere between my 213th and 214th case of wine...

They're "not comfortable"

They're "not comfortable" around you/us

Skids and BM don't like the fact that SM sees through their bullshit whereas all the other so-called adults in their lives turn a blind eye to escalating shenanigans.

OMG. So much of this. I also

OMG. So much of this. I also got the 'they're not comfortable here' comments...passive-aggressive implication: 'and that's your fault.'

Here's one I got a lot. Said in the most petulant, pouty voice imaginable:

(Big Sigh of Disappointment) "This just isn't a very kid-friendly home."

Translation: "You don't use your money to entertain my brats and stock the fridge with junk food and soda (that they'll drink two sips of and then throw away) when they come over. And you don't twist around your schedule to accommodate their every whim, so I'm going to try to make you feel bad by insinuating that you're not friendly. Please fall for it."