Am I being unfair?? making him move??

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My ss6 is very attached to my hubby and I. he calls me mommy, but in the past has lied to his mother about things that ive said, bm hates me, i hate her.shes a drama queen, a pathological lair and not a very good mother, im tired of her shit, so i decide that its time for my family to move and start fresh, my hubby daughter 4months and I, ss live with his mother we get him 3-4 days a week. my husband is very understanding always takes my side and feels horrible that ive dealt with his ex for 3 years now. so I say to Oregon we move in 11 months... my ss cries everytime we talk about it, but i have already given up too much in these past 3 years I could have gone very far in my career, but I chose him... him not his baggage, I was told at the bigining that I would not have to deal with any of this crap no ex wife nonsense but alas that just was not true, my hubby said ok to the move, but I dont want his to resent me for it later.I think in my heart I just have still not forgiven him for having a child with someone that wasnt me although we were not together then. its odd but i hate it when I realize that our daughter isnt his only child. he is a magnificent father he pays 700dlrs in child support.. so much that I have to buy our baby things because he dosent have the money too, i resent him for that.. it would be so much better if bm could just jump off of a fucking cliff and die.. mean thoughts but its how i feel... am i being unfair?

THIS THIS THIS

I agree Echo. If I asked my

I agree Echo.

If I asked my DH to move away from his still minor children and he said YES I would no longer be interested.

Seriously OP? Moving will not make the baby-momma drama any better. In fact, it might get worse. Visits will now be ALL summer, most likely. And sure as hell yes, he's gonna resent you. And you'll still resent him.

Why not stay where you are, succeed in your career THERE (obviously you've made it this far?), and not take a Dad away from his kid.

all of this gives me an

all of this gives me an understanding that all step parents must just give up, thats it for us, we will never be able to accomplish our dreams and if so they will have to be modified because we must keep parents and kids together. so theres no partnership or honesty in any other relationship here then? because anyone who says that as a step parent they are all giving and never complain about having to give up everything else is a liar.

weve been through the courts,

weve been through the courts, I understand where you are coming from. where does mu daughter and her future come in? when should I stop to think of her? When does the compromising on only my end turn into 4 people compromising. i love my ss and my daughter, if you had to choose between your children and your children that you did not birth which would it be?

no, i never made him choose.

no, i never made him choose. I sttd he could very well stay here, and our daughter and i could come down to visit. that was on him

its not about what helps me

its not about what helps me sleep, my feelings his or our children its fact of where we are and where we could be.Thats it.

In a lot of different places

In a lot of different places actually. Its not my ss that bothers me, i would take him if i could, I already lost our first child, our second is 4 months old they both deserve better, but theres only one I have complete care of, my own, so should she suffer because there is a ss involved?

I dont believe that you

I dont believe that you understand seeing as you
sttd that your husband had custody of his children; But thank you for the imput

if you dealt with bm your

if you dealt with bm your husband had the upper hand, we dont have any custody, and re read i never called him a mistake, i called my husband out for having a child with her, and it was a mistake you dont bring kids into already broken homes.its very easy to say oh you are so selfish thats not right you are taking him away. Maturity is reading someones opinion and giving your own educated opinion not barking because you skimmed a paragraph and its not something you would do. Yes the move would hurt my ss my husband and myself because i love my ss, but I also love my daughter, and want a better future for our family, and i have put my career on the back burner for years, im getting older and in my line of work not exactly a good thing. My ss will always be on my mind, he calls me mommy for a reason because I always pick up everyone elses slack and give him the best I can, But I am not super woman, I need to take care of my family as well. First born or second born it wouldnt matter, the best choice must be taken.

she wasnt his first love, and

she wasnt his first love, and no, I dont work in a 6-5 job, its different if I had that op here I would def stay, my family is here, I would not have to go. And yes sacrifice, i know, I have my baby girl and am willing to sacrifice what i have to for her future

of course my daughter wasnt a

of course my daughter wasnt a mistake, my hubby and i love each other and we are honest about our feelings regardless if its hurtful or not, its better to know what were really thinking.

eyeroll That's a pretty

*eyeroll*

That's a pretty dramatic readout. ^^^

If you allow someone/something that has nothing to do with your dreams keep you from accomplishing them, that's on you. That's giving a WHOLE lot of power to someone, & that's on you.

No one said stepping is all giving. As in any relationship, there does have to be compromise. Expecting your husband to give up a relationship with his 6-year old son has nothing to do with compromise & EVERYthing to do with control.

How would you feel about someone expecting you to move away from your daughter at 6-years old??? The kid is 6!!! He needs his dad.

Your husband has a responsibility to his son, just as he does to your daughter. His son's needs are EVERY bit as important as your daughter's needs are.

I can't imagine asking someone I love to toss their relationship with their child to make me happy...

Is it unfair for you to make him move? INCREDIBLY!

I was not looking for

I was not looking for validation or support, just opinions, I did not think I had to disclose every single aspect, my ss calls me mommy for a reason, im good to him, always have been always will be. but its incredible how some selfishness is so harshly criticized, when in truth if it were one of you you all would ave the same thoughts, its human nature, self preservation.

were not moving just because

were not moving just because of his mother, there is a career op that i want to take, and rarely seeing his father? hes going to be with us every summer and long weekend.my ss wants to come, we sat down spoke to his mother, her words were no kid no child support so no he cant go... yeah Im just horrible.

So this position is being

So this position is being held just for you for 11 months?

of course it wasnt held, the

of course it wasnt held, the person that they hired couldnt cut it so they re offered it to me

but you're not moving for 11

but you're not moving for 11 months. Do you have a job offer waiting for you in Oregon 11 months from now or not? I'm not asking about a previous offer you turned down...I'm asking about when you plan on actually making the move in 11 months

yes, I would not move if it

yes, I would not move if it were not completely secure.

Your husband's priority right

Your husband's priority right now should be protecting his son from the people who are abusing him. Not your career.

of course not, but i am not

of course not, but i am not the one who had a child with someone while separation papers had already been filed. I did not make those choices. When I entered my relationship I knew there was my husband and ss, for a year just us never had to deal with anything as i was promised, but then here comes that sorry excuse of a human being and ruined it. Im not oblivious to the hurt it would cause, Im a realist with realistic goals. The only question is if I will go through with it or not.

thats, true, she got lucky it

thats, true, she got lucky it was his and not some of the other random men she was with. and yes I might have been naive to think that after a year of her not being there i was golden. But I am not mad at her because she got pregnant, that was on him, im mad at her because she would rather buy herself shoes than her first son, because her second son gets everything and my ss get almost nothing, because she feels free to drop him off anytime she fights with her bf which is often. So what everyone is saying is suck it up, leave your career behind and learn to live a less fulfilling life so that all around you can live happily ever after, I shouldn't worry about my daughters future weather where i live theres a good education system or not weather i could give her and my ss more with a better job, I should just settle. That sound like a martyr in the making.If we go, yes it will be hard for all of us, my husband wont be completely and same for my ss and myself. but I will find solace in knowing that we will have him for months at a time and that I will be able to afford things for him and his expensive mother.

I say follow your career and

I say follow your career and dreams!! Just cause your DH has a kid with someone else doesn't make you bound to live around it for all of eternity! He can still have visitations in the summer and holidays. That's just my opinion on it. DH has moved in the past to further my career and be away from his kids. A relationship is all about compromise. DH and I met when I was in university, so as much as I knew he had kids, he knew that I had dreams, ambition and was very driven. I never made him stop seeing his kids though. I understand they are a big part of his life as well, so you just have to find something that works for the both of you! Don't let his past rob you of your future! Just understand that ss will ALWAYS be a part of your DH no matter how far you move... And, unfortunately, so will BM

thank you

moved post

if we could take him we

if we could take him we would! we did the lawyers and lost, because she claimed she had no one else in the world she loved more...she has 4 other children different fathers.we asked her hell nearly begged and her words were no kid no child support so no he cant go...

nothing would make me happier

nothing would make me happier than to take him, we have tried, this state favours mothers even with a fathers rights lawyer. I am not accustomed to taking the easy way out, but why should we all have to suffer , why does my daughter deserve to be put through this.

i dont want to take her away,

i dont want to take her away, the money amount isnt what bothers me its that even with that amount his mother buys herself clothes shoes a new car and my ss runs around in very old clothing and shoes no clipped nails no haircut, its not his fault so i buy the clothes and the shoes and cut his hair and nails, ive done the budget but why should my daughter get leftovers , she 4 months old, my husband has bought her exactly 100.00dlrs work of things since i was pregnant, everything else is for ss and bills. its sad but sometimes we have to be selfish for our own children to be treated equally.

of course she does, i make

of course she does, i make sure of that, but I did not have a baby on my own, her father had a part in it as well, ive been carrying the load but its supposed to be a partnership. I have never complained about his cs, but it does bother me that i still have to buy my ss everything because his mother is busy buying herself new cars.

yes thats true, but I will be

yes thats true, but I will be able to pick up his slack.

How about you and your

How about you and your daughter move and husband stay behind. Your daughter can visit dad each summer and during long weekends.

That way you get to have your dream job and dad can protect his son.

that was the first option my

that was the first option my husband refused to let her or i go.

forcing? there was no force

forcing? there was no force this was not taken lightly or made overnight, this has been in our conversation for years. I didnt wake up one morning and decide the hell with it im leaving and your coming. No its not fair to my ss I know, but its not fair to our future as a family either.

The sad reality is that when

The sad reality is that when you divorce, things will change. If the parents were thinking of the skid, they would have stayed married. When you throw in a stepmom and stepdad with their own children and agendas, things will often change. People lose jobs, peoples own kids move away, inlaws get sick, etc. Most of the time negate a move.

If bm cares about her own kid, then she will not be a drama queen and will go out of HER way to be cordial to the sm, for her kid.

I was in a similar situation, in which bm made it unbearable to have visitation. Going so far as targeting me as well. I decided that it was in my best interest to think of MY (dh's and mine) children first and to step away from her toxic anger and bitterness.

You need to do what is best for you and your family. The fact of the matter is that if your dh agrees to move, then it is because he realizes that the situation is not working. Noone is putting a bullet to his head, he makes his own decisions.

YOU matter as well in this situation, and did not create it. BM and dh did.

"If your husband is so

"If your husband is so supportive as you say, then tell him to put BM on a very long leash. Tell him to take her to court for lying and PASing. He should tell her she can only contact/communicate by email. I don't know in what ways she affects you, but some/many/most of that can be controlled and quelled too."

That is sometimes not possible in high conflict situations. A therapist told me once that the bm that I was dealing with was most likely BPD. You can't even begin to reason with someone who is high-conflict.

The more dh tried to put in boundaries, the more toxic she became. It was not good for us, skids, and even her. It just fueled her anger.

Sounds like a hard situation that OP has to deal with.

not to argue, but I must

not to argue, but I must admit that I was pretty shocked to read some of the responses. We would not solely be moving because of his mother, that would be ridiculous. i was offered an amazing op in my line of work, twice! I let it go the first time because of all of the reason you here have stated, i revamped the budget, i was more patient and open and hoped for the best, you know what changed, nothing. she was still using the passing of our first daughter as ammo, the cs was still used to buy herself clothing car shoes, i am still having to buy my ss clothes shoes for here and the other house, the lawyers said we couldnt have full custody now because my husband failed to file some paper during the divorce 6 years ago. My op came and left and I was stuck in the same spot, we now have a beautiful baby girl, my husband cant afford to buy her many things so i do that, my daughter does not own him more than his son, but a level field would be nice. I started my ss college fund when he was 3, I have not been able to start my daughters because were over our heads in the lawyer fees.almost all of the points made here are valid, it is selfish, its not his fault, my husband should have taken care of business, but the facts are that he didnt, and we are here now, am I to just blow off another op that would enable me to better secure a future for our kids and ourselves all because 3 months of summer and 2 long breaks are too little a time?

agreed

1. Who told BM that you had a

1. Who told BM that you had a miscarriage? Our BM wouldn't have known it if we had a bomb go off in our backyard!

2. The lawyers said he couldn't get full custody because he didn't file a paper? I am thinking it is time for a second opinion. That sounds like a half-truth that BM told him.

3. You won't be magically in some great financial position even with you having a new job. When the father moves away the father is responsible for 100% of the costs of travel and time it takes. You are resentful now but how resentful will you be when he has to be away for hours driving or flying to facilitate his visitation?

4. Why isn't he paying for his own legal fees? Why can't he get another job or a better paying one? Is the entire $700/mo based solely on support for the child or is there alimony in there as well?

5. If I were in your situation, I'd promise the BM for your DH to pay the same amount every month if she signed sole custody over to him. I could never leave a child - especially one who called me mommy - to someone else who is going to allow him to be abused. After you have moved away and he is in your DH's custody, that's when CS can be brought before the courts to see if they think it should be changed.

6. You have never answered the question as to why you tried to get pregnant multiple times when you hated the situation from the start and were never able to accept that he had a child already?

To me, it is NOT a question of money whatsoever when there is a child, bio or not, who is getting abused.

I think the difference is

I think the difference is getting a father to abandon his child who is getting abused in the CP's household.

thx, thats exatly how i feel,

thx, thats exatly how i feel, damned if i do and damned if i dont!

If you did it deliberately

If you did it deliberately please don't post questions three times. If it was accidental it was probably because you were too impatient and clicked on the "Save" button a second and third time. Patience please.

Bribe her. Hubby tells her that the child support will continue but he won't pay for any visitation costs such as air fares.

After a couple of years sue in family court where you live for full custody. By then his ex will have grown used to not having him around and probably won't fight. Even if she does her visitation's can be used against her. Likely he'll have only visited a couple of times by then. Offer to pay for visitations costs twice a year. Perhaps Christmas and summer school breaks.

If the ex doesn't fall for the bribe then leave your husband behind. He should put his kid first before a second wife. You two can stay married just maintain separate households for a few years.

Have you tried blocking your contacts with the ex? All communication should be directed to your husband and he replies to all of it.

Have you tried disengagement for the kid. Read the linked article below and see if its useful:

http://steptogether.org/disengaging.html

thank you for the advise on

thank you for the advise on the bribe. we have a 4month old, i told him he could stay he wont leave our daughter.

you misread, I called his

you misread, I called his making him with her, a mistake. I think there are things in this world that people are much to afraid to say, I do not believe children are a mistake, I do however believe that bringing children into this world in a already failed relationship a mistake, why do that they will forever have to choose between parents, and this is how we ended up here. Of course that is a mistake, making children suffer from birth is a mistake, and sometimes decisions that are made will hurt children but its for the better good of the whole.

yes he is, choosing has been

yes he is, choosing has been very difficult lots of tears and headaches just thinking about it. If you whom is a total stranger to me, were offered a job of a lifetime within your field and were in the same situation would you turn it down a second time?

OP, based on some of the

OP, based on some of the comments you've made, it seems you don't like the fact that DH pays $700 in CS for SS and your daughter gets basically nothing from him.

Life isn't fair. You can't make everything perfectly even. I have two daughters. I spent about $300 in Christmas presents for the 15 year old, and about $180 for my 8 year old. Even though they both got the same number of gifts the things I got for my 15 year old cost a lot more than the toys I got for my 8 year old. Did they know any different? No and even if they did know, I doubt they would care. They each got what they wanted.

So long as both children are provided for and have what they need, it shouldn't matter how much is spent on one child vs. another one. And yeah, it sucks that BM spends CS on things for herself instead of the child, but that's something you can't control.

CS is based on your DH's income. If it's taking so much of his paycheck that he doesn't have anything left over, he needs to have a review done.

Moving away is not the answer to your problems.

Yep, I call crew. (Troll) I

Yep, I call crew. (Troll)

I hate to be a grammar nazi but I find it hard to believe someone who writes "If you whom is a total stranger to me," and "don't work in a 6-5 job" was offered an "op" of a lifetime job that's being held just for her for 11 months.

They are several contradictions, the biggest one is this: first she complains that her child gets the "leftovers" because DH doesn't have any money left over after paying CS, then she claims she would have no problem paying for SS to fly out to visit them.

If she's anything like the

If she's anything like the crazy BM I deal with, she can't even wrap her mind around her child one day being a SK.

BM here was AWFUL to DF's oldest two kids. She tried to get DF fo focus o their two (SDs9&7) and do the bare minimum for SD17 and SS23.

Their marriage didn't last three years. Now her kids are the SKs and she's TERRIFIED that I will be the type of SM to her kids that she was to the older two.

Selfish? IDK My observation

Selfish? IDK

My observation here is that you are trying to "run away" from your problems... Moving away will only cause more grief for you, your SS, your DH, and your new child... Moving away will steal more money (having to meet somewhere to pick up SS for visits isn't cheap, neither are plane tickets) it will steal away more time (driving time, time you and your DH are spending focusing on SS bc he isn't around as much) time on the phone with SS, you can expect vacations will be scheduled around SS visits so he is involved (which IMHO is only fair)

Really sit down and think about it before you jump into something that you think will just make the problems disappear bc there is always going to be issues no matter how far away you move.

Just try to make an informed decision, I'm not trying to judge you just trying to give you more insight.

My prayers are with you and your family!

Am I being unfair? ~ Yes,

Am I being unfair? ~ Yes, you really are. Shockingly so. Wow. Any man with a spine would tell his wife to take a leap before he'd abandon his child. Be warned because if he will abandon his son like this, your daughter could be next.

I really thought this was a

I really thought this was a support group site, can we please help one another instead of badgering her? One of our own needs our help and I see a lot of name calling and badgering... wtf?

I'm praying for you hun!

When did the meaning of

When did the meaning of support change to always agree with or encourage an act you believe is wrong?

LOL @ the "person whose been

LOL @ the "person whose been here 5 days" comment. Ha!!

I don't know. I think the kid's life was destroyed when he was born into that bad situation. The mother, EX, BM, whatever, seems to be the one to blame for the dysfunction. Seems like dad and OP are just trying to deal with her shitty choices.

I never said you had to agree

I never said you had to agree or encourage her but you guys are acting like you are teenagers yourself!!! Do I think what she is thinking about doing is wrong? YES, and I said so in my response to her earlier which in case you didn't bother reading before jumping on someone:

Selfish? IDK

Really sit down and think about it before you jump into something that you think will just make the problems disappear bc there is always going to be issues no matter how far away you move.

Just try to make an informed decision, I'm not trying to judge you just trying to give you more insight.

My prayers are with you and your family!

That was my initial response to her!!!

As an ADULT there are ways you can relay your thoughts regarding someone's situation without being mean, hateful, or belittling!

Vent away guys but geeze.... try helping not hurting!!!

Here's another thought, and

Here's another thought, and surely it will sound selfish, because I am incredibly (and happily) so.

Move. Take your man and go. Go and build a beautiful life centered around your career goals and YOUR family.

Your husband should be fighting to get his child out of a toxic environment. That's his fight. If he doesn't have a plan to do that, then it's HIS fault for
1) procreating with a lunatic who only cares about child support

2) for allowing his wife to pick up the slack for his past MISTAKE - umm, aren't YOU feeling resentment about that presently? (eff his possible resentment for "abandoning" his son by moving away)

and 3) for not having his shit together as far as his own career (minimizing the effect of the $700+ that goes out in care of SS each month) and his boundaries. Why in the hell are YOU buying stuff to support his son if he gives so much in child support...someone had to agree to that. Your DH, I presume?

When men make bad choices, allow their wives to financially support them, and can't CONTROL their baggage, then their opinions/resentments mean nothing! He is behaving no better than a child! OP should not care more about SS's environment and DH's (possible) resentment than she cares about bettering HER life for HERself and HER child. BE SELFISH!!!

I know you love the child, but love yourself more. It's not your job to care about DH's child. It's his job. If he doesn't care - meaning he's not spending every waking moment trying to get SS out of such a shitty situation like almost EVERY ONE OF US MOTHERS HERE WOULD DO if it were our kid in SS's shoes - then he doesn't love his son enough for that scenario to even be a part of your decision-making process.

I guess my thought is this:

Is it better for a father to stick around maintaining a toxic situation or go off and create a life that he can bring his child into? I agree with OrangeCounty... go and create a better life, document all that goes on with BM, and have DH sue for full custody later - if HE wants to and if HE does it.

Do NOT put your life on hold for stepkids. YOU'LL be the one to regret it and feel resentment later.

And NO, you're not being unfair...but if you have a man that you can "make move", then you're being unfair to yourself. Where is the desire for an equal partner who can handle his business? Trust me, if he does not act like a MAN (taking responsibility for the mess he's created), then you're cheating YOURSELF...I could have written the book on that from age 25-35.

Thank you for your response.

Thank you for your response. its a shitty situation.

Best response yet. what

Best response yet. what happened to "not my monkey. not my circus"?

If hes "not her monkey" and if this story is true why would she give up this opportunity?

I would try again for custody. If BM has kids from all different people and no stability for her
son, then you should be able to prove that this job will provide more security for you and DH
and possibly get custody changed.

Moving to access a better

Moving to access a better opportunity is far from unfair. It is in the best interest of your family.

We moved frequently during the 17+ years that my Skid's Custody/Visitation/Support CO was in place. 5 times to be specific plus we sent the skid to boarding school for 2 years. All for career or education opportunities. Every move made visitation more expensive for the Sperm Clan. For us too but it was irrelevant to us. To them it was a teeth gnashing, ripping out their hair, scratching their chests issue. Not our problem.

If BM is toxic a long distance visitation schedule may be an improvement over the current schedule. The Skid can visit for extended periods with minimal interference by BM so DHs time with the kid could be far less drama filled and manipulated.

Do what is best for your family and do not sweat the fairness issue.

IMHO of course.

That poor we boy . You can

That poor we boy . You can do what you like its your life but my heart does break for him. Hes 6 and he has to live in a home where hes not wanted hes not provided for and hes abused by people that should care for him. That has to be so lonely feeling like your nothing and everyone hates you. The only people that he feels love him are leaving him so again hes the one loving everyone else wishing to be loved back but feeling like no one does. He most likely lied to BM about use hoping that they would except him if he acted like them. Kids have a way of blaming themselves and he must blame himself for no body loving him or wanting him and that might not be the case but that is how he will see it. His one escape from his lonely abused world was use and now he will have to wait months before he can get away and be safe for a short time.
Theirs really only going to be two things that will happen to this little boy, he will ether end up suicidal or he will become resentful angry and bitter. I was a child like this growing up in an abusive home with no love even though I loved and so badly wanted someone to love me and by 6 I did want to kill myself and in the end I did try.
Personally I would offer the BM a deal to keep giving her CS and take the SS with use. File again a few months later that BM has handed over the child in exchange for money and have SS in counseling so they can stand up and say what SS has been put threw by his BM and her BF. Then hopefully use will get full custody and she will get nothing.
I guess I look at it is money isn't worth sacrificing a child for and Im sure if it was your child in his situation you would never stop fighting to get her out of danger and safe with you no mater what the cost.
I think you've already decided that your own wants and feelings matter more than his so no body is going to be able to talk you out of it but I cant pretend to understand it.
Personally Im not sure how you and your husband are able to function let alone sleep when SS is away from use knowing that at that moment he could be getting hurt or shut away wondering why they don't love him and the people that he thought did are going to leave him.
What a sad lonely world for that wee boy.

You are here

Am I being unfair?? making him move??