I agree with most of what you write, but I think it really was an accident... Exactly, if I mention it, I can be accused of snooping, which I really wasn't but someone could say "well even though you saw the letter you should not have read it" but should spouses really keep requests like that from each other.... I think maybe I will talk about it generally in the guise of what there is money for with regard to special programs and such because we do already budget for them for both children.

It bothers me that he is hiding this from me because I know he has not forgotten it!

Thank you for your words of wisdom!

I agree, I don't think he remembered it was in there. No, it is not that I think he is a sneak, but I know sure as the sun sets, he has been wandering around feeling wracked with guilt that he cannot do this. There has been a tension to him that is more pronounced than usual, and I think this probably is it. What worries me is that he gets too into his head and creates these bizarre realities where he is a loser parent, and should be able to afford such whims. The longer he stays in his head the more irrational he becomes.

He does not have that kind of money to give. He will though try to figure out some way to swing it probably over monthly payments. He was just talking about trying to find cheaper health insurance, so my guess is he will try to reduce expenses to "find" the money. This is the problem, he has no retirement savings, and he is already wracked with guilt that he does not have money for both kids college saved. He believes a good parent "pays for whatever education their child wants." Sigh! So, he has always destroyed his finances for their tastes even when they are way beyond budgets.

It makes me sad for the other child who is kind to get pushed aside because his brother needs "different and special" things. The kind kids always seem to get kicked, so the bratty kids can be cosseted.

Yes, the fact that this money, if found, should be at least towards college for them both rather than a sports program for just one. It makes me crazy though that this 60 year old man ignores retirement. That is truly where found money should go at this point.

What scares me is that the more he does not speak about this the more he will convince himself he must do this. It also hurts that he is hiding this from me. I know it is because he knows I will be the voice of reason and say "sweetheart what about his brother and what about the debt you and his mother already have???"

Thank you for your wise words, you always have such good advice, and your picture makes me smile no matter how upset I am! Thank you!

Words I live by, but unfortunately my spouse and his ex have always lived beyond their means where their kids are concerned. I keep my money separate because of this, and that is how I sleep at night. True words, thank you!

There are two programs in which applications apparently were made, the one that the kids were discussing was not the name of the program on the letter. The letter was an acceptance letter with a bill from program where he was actually accepted along with a handwritten note from the ex asking him to find a way to make it happen because he is special and needs it to happen. Who knows there might be another letter hanging around that he's in the other one too! I left the letter finding out because the prior post was already so lengthy. I wanted here specifically the male perspective or male familiar perspective on confronting or not confronting the tangible item. My apologies if I caused confusion!

I am glad your husband would want you to bring up things that were overheard, mine would jump to protecting the privacy of his kids and then maybe ask questions. Then it would be well "maybe you overheard incorrectly "or "maybe they knew you were listening and said it just to catch you eavesdropping!"

Money is such a tense subject for him and he cannot behave rationally.

Goodness yes, I remind him all the time about not wanting to be a burden to the kids because nothing is saved and then he's going to them needing handouts!

I agree with you utterly, and thank you for sharing your thoughts! I don't think he meant for me to see it because I don't think he remembered it was there.

Am I wrong to feel bothered by the fact that he did not tell me about something that I know preoccupies and troubles him? It's not so much that he feels his child need this program, but he does feel like a loser for not being able to just give his child something like this, and then he dreads the inevitable assault that comes from the ex. So, I know he has been anxious, so I do not understand why he did not say something to me. I would never yell or belittle, but I would remind him of the reality of finances, his other child and that money already goes to activities that are for them.

He will become defensive that I read it. He is very particular about respecting other people's things and not going through them and touching them. His mom was very intrusive and it always irked him So, his first instinct will be "you read a letter addressed only to me!" Perhaps I should have just asked him about it before opening it, but as the envelope was already opened, I just looked. Perhaps my fault. I guess I could just speak generally, and make my point that we are already finically committed to the hilt and already not saving enough, given his age.

It bothers me that he did not share.... Is that crazy?

Thank you for for your most helpful and reasoned thoughts!

"good grapes" I love it! It is not that I feel I cannot ask him. It bothers me that he has said nothing. I know this stuff freaks him out and preoccupies him, and we have had many long talks and planning sessions with the finances to allow room for money in equal amounts for both children to have activities. When he is rational he knows this. These letters make him irrational, reactive and guilty. So, I think he knows there is no room for this, and yet he thinks he somehow has to do it.

It's the hiding that bothers because I know he has not forgotten this. The letter was a couple of weeks old when i found it, so he has been keeping this to himself for weeks.

I have looked within and i can say that I have never bitten his head off when he has come to me with this stiff before, but I have been realistic asking where he proposes to find money that he not available. I think he wants to avoid me being rational, so he can stay in his worry and guilt.

Not liking the hiding and not liking that he still can be so financially foolish.

Thanks for your thoughts about being straight up in his space about it, I am entitled to do so as it is future retirement savings that will be spent on boosting the "self esteem" of a kid who has a very strong sense of self, but also a strong sense of entitlement and I want what I want! Smiles to you!