DH's divorce "joke"
DH had to work late tonight so I picked up SD from MIL's house (MIL gets her off the bus & watches her til DH gets off work). Long story short, I was alone with SD about 3 hours & she acted like a total brat the whole time. She literally cried & watched out the window for DH (she's 6 in case you're wondering).
When it got to be her bedtime, I told her to get her pajamas on & go to bed & she didn't listen. When DH got home at almost 10pm she was still sitting up waiting for him.
I told DH she wasn't listening to me & he just made excuses for her as usual.
After she finally went to bed, DH made the comment "before we get a divorce, I'm gonna ask you one more time to establish a relationship with my daughter." I don't respond well to threats so I responded pssh! You want to divorce me?! He said he was just joking but it didn't sound like a joke at all.
The back story is that I disengaged about a year or so ago after many years of not being listened to or appreciated. I told him what I was doing and why but now he's wanting me to have a relationship with SD.
How would you respond to this?
^^ YUP!! THIS!! ^^ Serve that
The two of you are TTC, but
The two of you are TTC, but he rarely wants to have sex.
He has ONE bill to pay, but can't/won't do that.
He can't explain where is money is going each month.
He refuses to make BM pay CS.
Those are huge red flags.
He's also making it clear that your marriage is contingent upon you having a relationship with his daughter. That so called joke about divorce, was just to let you know that he toying with that idea.
It may be a good idea to talk to a lawyer just to know what your options are.
If I could remember where I
If I could remember where I read this article I would post a link, but I can't- anyway, I read an article recently about how men don't want to have sex with women who take care of them financially & do a bunch of things for them because "who wants to have sex with their mother?" It was a real eye-opener. He can't be feeling very manly in his current situation. Not making excuses for him though.
I know there are many red flags & the worst I think is that he is bringing a third party (SD) into our marriage. When I disengaged, I made it very clear to DH what I was doing and why I was doing it so I am not sure what his issue is with it. He MADE me disengage.
Thanks for your response, as always!
I've read most of your posts
I've read most of your posts over the last few years. I would respond by getting my own attorney and getting out of the marriage.
IT was't a joke, it was a
IT was't a joke, it was a threat & i would treat it like one.
Have you read her other
Have you read her other blogs???
The OP is going above and beyond financially for this loser. He has ONE thing to pay each month (she pays for EVERYTHING else) and his sorry behind can not be counted on to pay that ONE bill.
The OP is the only one supporting SD. Why? Because this guy can't/won't support his child and refuses to take BM to court for CS. Based on you post, the OP should stay with a man who is clearly using her.
The OP and her husband are trying to TTC. Kinda hard to get things where they need to be when the husband won't have sex. Based on your post,the OP should stay with a man who knows better than anyone how much she wants a child of her own, but refuses to perform the needed task at the appropriate times.
This so called joke made it clear that the OP must dance to beat of her husband's drum or their marriage is over. Based on your post, the OP should stay with a man who uses emotional blackmail to make her behave the way he thinks she should behave.
you need to read more than
you need to read more than one post of OP.Geez, as if she would not have tried everything!!
In addition to the other
In addition to the other advise you keep your legs together from this day onward. Having a kid would be disastrous and only increase your woes.
"I'm only kidding" is the classis out when one wants to deliver a message without arguing about it. He's dead serious.
Find a guy without children and start your own family - you don't need all this crap.
Emotional abuse plain and
Emotional abuse plain and simple.
I've read some of your other posts and while I agree many here are quick to say, "Ditch him!", in this case? Run like hell.
It is NEVER a joke to threaten divorce. NEVER. It is hurtful and mean spirited.
Have you guys tried any type
Have you guys tried any type of counseling? Seems like you may be headed for a divorce, but this should be the ultimate LAST resort.
I would maybe suggest a separation with you getting your own place or making him move out. No more supporting him financially, and see how he responds.
The only counseling we have
The only counseling we have done was a couple times before we got married. We had some issues when we all first moved in together (DH had been co-sleeping with SD, among other things) that I wanted to resolve before getting married. The co-sleeping issue was resolved but now, over the years, a bunch of other crap has crept up on me. I am planning to call the counselor this week.
What frustrated said. Get
What frustrated said. Get you into individual counseling to find out why you are with a man like this. And get you both in to marital counseling.
I don't do not recommend divorce except in abuse, infidelity or addiction issues are present. It does not really sound like that here. It just sounds like you LET him walk all over you and you need some help to stop it.
Move on! My DH never
Move on! My DH never threatened divorce, he did show frustration though he supported some of my disengagement but at the end of the day would cuddle up and say everything was okay.
It has been two weeks since I packed a weekend bag to go stay with my MIL for the weekend because he needed "to think about things"...I was devastated to say the least.
We had frustrations from me being laid off though I am set to start a new job Monday which he knew about, I wanted to wait to make a $3400 purchase for SS6, and SIL and BM had become friends again giving SS everything he wanted making the fact I wanted structure mind you I was never a "babysitter" but I would ask SS to put up his clothes because I would fold them and put him on his dresser, and DH knew I required time each night so SS had a bedtime set by DH....but I guess he felt like he was the bad guy since even his own family was teaming up against BM, and he even asked SS what he though about me and he said I made him happy sometimes but I was also mean at times and gave him "looks" my looks are nothing I have a natural bitch face.
Guess What? I am now living with family while DH and SS have pretty much the whole house...SS missed a day of school the last day DH was home something that would have never happened not because I would say no but because DH always swore to me he wanted to show SS going to school was important since BM would make him so the kid got a 4 day weekend and for all I know probably got picked up early the Friday before, slept in the bed we bought together, etc and my DH said he had regrets because he missed me and loved me but knew he was doing what was right for his son by creating a new environment because he feared SS resenting me though that kid already resents and manipulates who he can to get what he wants despite really being a good kid...
MAKE THIS YOUR CHOICE!! Tell your DH you don't do threats and clearly he hasn't been taking his part of the relationship seriously for some time now due to your post.
No matter what it will hurt but you need to get out, and have it be your choice it will hurt either way but I know if I would have known my DH's feelings even though I pleaded counseling and help which he said wouldn't matter first I would have ended it first as to help create some closure for myself....
You sound like a weak woman and staying though he may stop for a while he will do it again, clearly it is on his mind so stand up for yourself and move on before you have a baby on your hip and are competency devastated.
I'm really glad you got out
I'm really glad you got out of that situation, sbm. I remember reading your posts. I am not sure why I am staying with him. I of course love him, but I know I can most likely find love again. I was never the "weak woman" before so I am not sure what has happened to me over the years. I guess I am just beaten down.
I won't say that I am not
I won't say that I am not struggling it hurts but it is nice to semi find myself again I have a plan for where I want to go in my life....that I can be closer to my family.
I will tell you like my step-dad's BM (I have a odd step-family -- we are all very close) told me in a message on Facebook when I was talking to her about the split "I don't doubt he went into the marriage loving you and I definitely have no doubt you still love him but the fact is you may love him until the day you die but that doesn't mean you have to like him or put up with being treated like crap, you are better than that I know it"
On another post I put that one thing I am doing is making a list of what I want in life, where I want to go and a lot of it I couldn't do with DH and it's depressing and I cry but I know one day I will truly be reaching for the stars not only on my own but with a man who will reach with me. Can you do your list with your DH? You have no bios so love how you want.
I know it sucks but these men aren't going to change.
Sometimes love isn't enough.
Sometimes love isn't enough. Usually that sometimes involves abuse, infidelity or dishonesty.
Yep! My DH has a lot of guilt
Yep!
My DH has a lot of guilt and didn't like the structure I created and stck to especially with his family going behind his back to spoil with BM...but that's all I saw maybe he had some other feelings I didn't know.
However this chick needs to get out...he IS using her. I was never a babysitter ever.
You've kind of got two
You've kind of got two separate issues going on in your post. One is the "joke" about divorce. You've heard the saying, "All jokes have an element of truth"? Your DH is not happy in your marriage. Whether he's literally thinking of divorce or not, he flat out told you he's not happy. You need to address that. Talk to him. Ask him if the sole reason he's not happy is because of your relationship with SD or if there's anything else going on. Then go from there.
The other issue, obviously, is your relationship with SD and how your DH feels about it. You guys aren't on the same page. I don't think you're even in the same book. If you've "disengaged", there's no way you should be babysitting a 6 year old until DH gets home. That's not disengagement. Maybe you could try the fun aunt role? Play with her, give her cookies, and give all responsibility (like picking up his own daughter from MIL's house) to DH. YOU get to be the FUN one. You do not brush teeth, set bedtimes, tell her to eat her veggies, or make her pick up after herself. You give her ice cream, read her stories, and tell DH to pick up her mess before he goes to bed.
I know you disengaged for a reason, and I have no idea if the above would work (or if you've tried it), but I thought I'd throw it out there as a suggestion. I think what you're doing right now isn't working, for you or for your marriage, so it's time to change things up.
Ally, you're right about not
Ally, you're right about not babysitting. The only reason I did it was because DH was helping my mom with something so it was kind of favor for favor. I don't even do fun things with SD at this point. We used to go shopping, get nails done, stuff like that but now I rarely do anything with her. I guess I have become so disgusted and resentful at the whole situation that I am taking it out on her. I know it's not fair to her and it's not her fault but at the same time I am just kind of numb to the whole situation. I don't have any desire to do anything with her anymore & DH is the one who made it this way.
As far as the reason I disengaged, I used to really truly want to help SD and be a part of her life but it was just not appreciated. For example, DH used to have her on a potato chip and chocolate milk diet and I thought it was gross so I said enough with this, she needs to eat healthy & I started buying more healthy snacks for her. Then I found DH sneaking her chips in her room at night. Just stuff like that. DH undermining my authority. He also likes to correct me when I say something to SD (like I tell her to stop doing something & DH says she's not doing anything wrong right in front of her). Basically a bunch of "little things" over the years added up to the point I pretty much said they can both go to hell. I am done.
Thank you all so much for the
Thank you all so much for the responses, I really appreciate it!
DH and I have talked about divorce before but it was never a joke when we talked about it. We have many issues that we haven't been able to resolve, I think just because we are complete opposites- from parenting styles to financial goals, we really just don't have much in common when it comes to serious issues (we have "non-serious" things in common, but how far does that ever get you?)
We are no longer ttc. I stopped trying a little bit ago when some financial issues came up with DH (basically, he is responsible for paying rent while I pay everything else & for the past 3 months he has come up short with no explanation for where his money went).
I am going to call and schedule an appointment with a counselor next week. I will go by myself first & explain what's going on & then maybe bring in DH. I of course don't WANT to divorce, no one ever plans on being divorced, but I definitely think we are headed down that road.
I remember when I first came onto this site, I would read posts & wonder why women put up with these men. I guess I have become "that woman" & I really don't like it. I know I deserve more out of a marriage than what I am getting. Thank you all so much for the support.
Nope. Nope nope nope. I would
Nope. Nope nope nope. I would rather be happily single than unhappily trying to tolerate a man who thinks it's okay to speak to me in that way. There is a grain of truth to every "joke" and if he has such an issue with you not establishing a relationship with his daughter, maybe he doesn't need to be with you. I'll tell you what, though, you are NOT in the wrong. Us women, we are expected to be these perfect little creatures and often times our partners fail to take into consideration that we have our own desires and struggles when it comes to step-parenting. You deserve to be with someone who will take your feelings into consideration and not threaten divorce if you fail to live up to his preconceived expectation of what a perfect step-mommy should be.
You and your DH need to read
You and your DH need to read Stepmonster.
First disengage.
DISENGAGING
To disengage--to simply try less or stop trying at all--requires accepting a number of truths about being married to a man with children.
*They are not your children.
*You are not responsible for overcoming their upbringing or any emotional or social problems they have.
* You are not responsible for what kind of people they are. You are not responsible for what kind of people they become.
*These responsibilities belong to your husband, who will likely not raise his kids (or make interventions with his adult kids) the way you would.
Having accepted this reality, you then make a promise to yourself: I will never give them the opportunity to treat me disrespectfully again.
***********************************************************************************************
Then have your DH read this review which hits the nail on the head.
Reviews on Stepmonster.
"Stepmothers don't get permission to feel anything less than never-ending love and understanding toward their step-kids. Yet those very step-kids are almost expected to dislike and reject their stepmothers, and understood if they do. All the while our husbands and the rest of society expect the adult (us, even if the children are also adults) to take the high road in the face of the steady pain that is inflicted upon us. Our step children are never expected to love us like they love their mothers (or even like us) but we stepmothers are not offered any clemency if we do not love our step children like we would (or do) love our own, and God forbid we don't even like them. Why?!?! If it weren't for the fact that I am the older of the 2 of us I would never be expected to accept such an injustice or demonstrate such pure sacrifice. Absurd! But there is no doubt that this is our reality.
Wednesday also touches on the fact that our husbands contribute to our pain as much and sometimes more than the kids themselves; either by excusing or defending his child's actions, disregarding our feelings, not acknowledging our hurt, blaming us for not possessing the ability to bond or for not trying hard enough, regularly placing their children's needs before ours, or taking their side in a disagreement. This makes for a lonely, sad and unfulfilling marriage at the very least. But more likely adds to that, anger, regret, resentment, hopelessness & misery that you may have otherwise never had to experience if you had married a man who loved you first and foremost."
christinen, I got out and
christinen, I got out and never looked back.I remember my ex SD being very similar to yours and your DH lettig her play mini-wife, very much the same to what I went through!! Let me tell you, you can do much better and have a much easier and nicer life without the stress.