Disengagement: Fake It Til You Make It
I am mostly disengaged, not because of SD10, but because of DH...he is too defensive, makes excuses for SD, asks for input/advice and then either criticizes or does something else, which frustrates and offends me. I've stopped giving input, making suggestions (mostly), and have come to love the phrase "I don't know, sweetie" when responding to DH's questions about SD.
I still interact with and look after SD in regards to family time, her health, safety and well-being. But when she's not here, it's out of sight, out of mind, for the most part. She's not my kid. Simple as that. Her issues, schooling, upbringing are not my responsibility. There is so much I don't agree with, as far as DH and BM's child rearing, but I've learned to keep my mouth shut. It has really helped improve my relationship with DH. I care about SD very much, but it causes me too much frustration and heartache to care so much and
So, I've learned that:
If DH, doesn't care SD isn't doing what she should be, neither should I.
If DH wants to take SD at her word for everything, he should, and I don't need to point out discrepancies in her stories.
If DH doesn't care that SD isn't practicing the lessons we bought her, neither should I.
If DH doesn't think something is important for SD, neither should I.
If DH doesn't care to make sure SD's iPad is disconnected from wireless and/or turned in to one of us at night, neither should I.
If something does not affect me or my BD6, it's not any of my business.
It took some faking it, but I'm almost there--I cared entirely too much before. My point being, this is not my child. I have one to look after. Why should I put more care, energy, feeling into SD than her own dad & mom? (And I'm not saying he doesn't care, just that I have a different parenting style.)
As SD gets older, I see my disengagement as an advantage. DH and BM will be all up in her business, and I will be over here like the neutral party who has no opinion. 
*bump* This was my missing
*bump*
This was my missing topic!
I do have to say, he chilled
I do have to say, he chilled quite a bit on the defensiveness, but disengagement is the safe route for me. For us.
It IS hard. I'm also a
It IS hard. I'm also a SAHM/SM. My DH is the one who gives SD her orders, and SD is responsible for making sure those orders are completed. It's really about boundaries. I had to firmly tell my DH what areas I am comfortable consistently handling (cooking dinner, being the only one consistently). I do more if I WANT to. She's not my daughter. Not my problem. I still take SD to activities, do the school drop, things like that, but the "business" of her life, such as schoolwork, medical/dental, exchange day with BM, etc, that is all on DH/BM.
Kids fighting with each other? Even one goes to their room until DH comes home.
Homework not done? DH, BM or the school deals with it.
Your role is to make sure that their health and safety are looked after while they are in your care, and nothing more. Your skids have two parents already right? You'll be MUCH happier if you can train yourself to step back from the skid parenting and force your DH/BM to step up.
I've been at it for 4 years now, and went from super involved SM to where I am, and trust me, the view is much better over here.
DIZZY! {{}}, that's a hug
DIZZY! {{}}, that's a hug right? LOL
This is where I am now too! ALMOST VERBATIM.
I have not spoken an opinion since last year. If he asks, I say "Up to you Sweety", and also "I don't know babe". It doesn't matter what the issue, topic, conversation is- If it concerns SD, i have NO opinion.
DH is the same as yours- defensive defensive defensive
If SD aks a question, I also send her to daddddddyyyyy. She has stopped asking me anything. We are super polite strangers.
(((((((HUG)))))) (and jumping
(((((((HUG)))))) (and jumping up and down in circles, like teammates who just won a championship)
So, when you do your "Up to you sweetie" (which is also in my response rotation) or other responses, is it in a slightly sing-songy tone? That's how I do mine. It's my non-confrontational way of being sickeningly sweet while at the same time shutting down the attempt at conversation about it.
I have it easy though- SD is
I have it easy though-
SD is EOWE and only one night typically
you are so lucky I wish it
you are so lucky I wish it was the case here, enjoy it you deserve it.
LOL! TOTALLY! Just last
LOL!
TOTALLY!
Just last night!!!! OMG- MIL said something about the way SD dresses and DH defended her 'style'. (sometimes inappropriate, sometimes a little slutty, but usually just typical 14yr old sloppy)
MIL buys her clothes that NO ONE ever sees again... **eyeroll**
DH looked at me, and like sugar, i just said "uh huh.. want more wine babe?" before he even bothered asking.
LMAO! LOVE IT!
LMAO!
LOVE IT!
I can't believe we're here to
I can't believe we're here to just sit by and watch kids and idiot husbands fail...
...but most days - what's the point?
Disengaging has become the
Disengaging has become the word of the day for many of us here..if not most.
I tried but I'm tired. Why bother??
He has made it clear that they're HIS kids..I'm their stepmom..but my job is not to be their mom..just their stepmom...not quite a mom..but more a "friend"...
Yeah..ok.
If only I had kids of my own..he's get to walk a mile in MY shoes.
I HAVE no baggage though so it gets to be all about him and his kids. He gets to spend all he wants on HIS kids..along with himself since the last time I told him he couldn't buy himself an $800 laptop with money we needed for bills, he threw me under the bus to SD12 and told her that I said he couldn't have it.
Of course she thought that was crazy because Daddy was working and I wasn't..
So Daddy got his damned laptop while all the way home he felt like a damned shit since right after that..I went out and bought him the freaking Keurig Coffee Maker he'd been ooing and ahhing over every time we stopped somewhere....with my own cash..from the kids, not only for his birthday but for Father's Day too.
When my SD proudly gave it to him...he looked at me (with dropped mouth..) because he knew damned well I'd bought it with my own cash..and he was speechless. His words were, "I didn't want both.." and I said, "Well you got both.." and as SD12 expected him to jump up and down about it..he had to take back feeling stupid and make a big deal about it because she was in tears.
He makes sure the kids always get everything they want. I make sure he gets most of the things he wants. What I want? He asks..doesn't listen..and then comes up with something as cheap as humanly possible. Last time, for our anniversary I bought him this awesome jacket...and I got a bunch of cheap, clearance lawn ornaments!! Mere total: $12.50..I found the receipt in his car. Christmas before that he bought be a bunch of stuff from Goodwill along with some Toe Socks. Woot!!
Don't get me wrong..it's the thought that counts..but when a guy makes the kinda money he does....whatever.
As he spends hundreds on himself and his kids.
I really never thought I'd
I really never thought I'd disengage..thought I'd married "somewhere over the rainbow" guy.
LOL!!
Love my hubby to pieces but he "drive me nuts" crazy over his kids..and that's ok. I just never expected this "overprotectiveness" from him..so bad that it would be so close to ruining our marriage.
I describe it as..when I'm needed...I can have fun with my SS and SD...but it's like this "electric fence" that goes BRRRRRRRR...and you'd better back off right then and there!!
He can be one ugly daddy if you cross him..and I've never crossed him..but his jealousy of his children and my stepping boundaries without even knowing it..even being kind to his children...too much for him to handle and again..that electric fence he puts up is just. plain..ugly!!
I've disengaged. He's become
I've disengaged. He's become a monster. And what MONSTER he's become out of the blue!! All over a simple flex benefits insurance card that I refused to give up because he works 2000 miles away and I figured I needed at LEAST something in case I had major health issues or something..
Na..uh..not in HIS book. That money was only meant for HIS daughter and NOT for me. Something happens to me..we'll make it work..give up the card..that is for my daughter and my daughter only.
It was like he had fangs!!
Okay..take the damned card while if something happens to me..I'll just sit in an ER waiting for you to travel 2000 miles to get here. I asked him about that and he told me that I should still put him down as an emergency contact..knowing that he couldn't probably get here less than a few days later and that I'd just have to deal with it.
Niice.
No apologies..I guess I'll just have to deal with it should the time come. No flex benies card to fall back on if they refuse to treat me with money up front...
It had nothing to do with my SD12..but my hubby being 2000 miles away and his, "Well..you'll just have to sit and be brave until I can get there.."
In addition, he wants me to go in for a physical. $500 deductible, not to mention if they think I need labs. And if they find something wrong...the dollars run up.
Whatever..he doesn't care.
However..this test that his daughter is going through..hypnosis to make her think she's not allergic to stuff??
Cool but insurance won't cover it.
I'm all for it but me and IF I had health issues?? Deal with them as I'll get there as soon as I can..you're strong enough.
This coming from a man that promised me he'd always protect me.
I can't tell you how much I'm disengaging and it's more and more all the time. The more I back off..the safer I feel.
The thing is, at this point, I don't know how much more I can disengage before I finally just leave.
It's not that far off.