Oh no. No no no no no no no no....
SD17 (who lives with us) is apparently 5 weeks pregnant. This... is a freaking disaster.
1. The consequences to her own life are severe. She was planning on going to college. Hell, she's only a junior in high school! There is no way in hell that Baby Daddy is going to stick around long term. (For those who remember my posts, this is the same guy - age 22, btw - who stands her up on a regular basis, refuses to have anything to do with her family, and has been unemployed basically always.) She can probably (if she's determined enough) still get a higher education (and finish high school!), but it's going to be a lot harder.
2. BM is going to Flip. Out. SD17 just moved in with us this year - BM is going to use the "she got pregnant while living in your house" rant to justify every crappy thing she does from now on. (Forget that SD21 - then 19 - got pregnant while living in HER house.)
3. How the holy hell am I going to pay for this?!?!? SD17 is a freaking high school student, Baby Daddy (as I said) won't get a job, DH is maxed out as it is - but so am I! I've got 3 bios in day care, which eats up fully half of my take home salary. How are we going to add a fourth!?!? Never mind the freaking medical bills, which we're on the hook for (what insurance doesn't cover anyway, which will still be a hit) because SD is under age and living in our house.
4. SD23 and her fiancee are unable to have kids on their own. (No swimmers.) The fiancee is dead set against SD23 having any child that isn't biologically his. (I sort of get that.) When my middle SD got pregnant, SD23 lost her shit. She got it together, but this time? *groan* The drama is going to be EPIC.
*sigh* I'm not really looking for advice - we've got a lot to talk about before I even know what the options are, let alone what we should do. I'm looking for sympathy and people who've been there, done that, and come out the other side OK. It IS going to be OK, right? Right? Just lie to me....
OMG what!? Dh just asked me
OMG what!? Dh just asked me how young someone can get pregnant the other day. I think he is prepared for a teen daughter (16).. lord but 14!?
I keep having horrific
I keep having horrific "day-nightmares" that SD13 will get pregnant as a teen. She is so attention seeking on social media and BM had her first kid at like 15 or 16. I cringe at the thought and how awful the fallback would be. So I have nothing but sympathy for you.
I will say that 17 is a helluva lot different from 19. Seriously. That 17 year old still needs to make it through high school and still can only work certain jobs until she's 18.
It WILL be ok, it is going to
It WILL be ok, it is going to be a long hard road for your SD and everyone involved but it WILL be ok. MY BD22 got pregnant when she was living with me at the age of 18, yep it was hard, heck she is still having a hard time but everything is ok.
Right now, and the days ahead are going to be tough times for your SD and everyone involved. Your SD has a lot to think and worry about. She has inserted herself into the adult world by the decisions that she has made, so it’s up to her to prove to everyone that she wasn't wrong by making them. BUT, regardless of circumstance, bringing a new life into the world is magical and wondrous. There are many things along the way to smile and feel proud about. Regardless of how you feel, remember that technically she herself is still just a child and is bound to be scared to death, she will need a lot of emotional support along the way.
It took a lot of work, lots of arguments and lots of tears but now I am proud of the mommy my daughter has become and I have a 2 year old granddaughter that I could not imagine living without. Everything is not perfect but it is OK.
Just wanted to respond to
Just wanted to respond to this bit: "I know this sounds mean, but she made the choice to have unprotected sex and now it's time to take responsibility for her actions. "
Oddly, she did NOT have unprotected sex. She's on the pill - I know because I pick it up for her every month. Unfortunately, she was also on an antibiotic for a few weeks and no one thought to mention that a side effect of that was that BC pill effectiveness would be reduced... *sigh*
But your point is still valid, to me. She chose to have an adult relationship that included sex and all the risks associated with that - so she's got to accept responsibility for the outcome, like a grown up.
Not to be too technical, but
Not to be too technical, but she did still have unprotected sex. It's not like the BC pills prevent you from getting an STD. I've had to preach this to my SD's numerous times, and of course SD24 is also on the pill, but has caught at least three STD's that I'm aware of.
I know it will be tough and my heart goes out to you. Perhaps she would be able to finish high school online? Like others have said, perhaps she can get emancipated.
*deep breaths* Thanks
*deep breaths* Thanks everyone.
Maybe we should start our own support group on this...
For the record, I'm not actually mad at SD17. It's reminding me of a movie quote (as so many things do)...
"I know you're disappointed in me."
"No. For you, sweetie. Not in you."
I'm scared for her, for her future, scared for what it'll mean for us financially... but I would support her keeping the baby, for sure. A (tiny) part of me even thinks having another baby in the house might be fun.
Although I've clearly lost my mind, and I wouldn't dream of admitting that to DH at this point - he's SO not ready to be excited on any level.
We'll talk to her tonight and go from there. I'm sure I'll be back with more on this subject....
This is a REALLY good idea,
This is a REALLY good idea, thanks! I'll research it.
He knows. Apparently he took
He knows. Apparently he took her to a walk-in clinic for a pregnancy test. No idea how he feels about it though, I'm going to ask that tonight.
One step at a time is all you
One step at a time is all you can do.
Not sure where you are but some high schools actually have day care; she can finish HS if she really wants to. My 20 year old niece had TWO kids before she was 19 and she graduated high school.
There are so many resources out there if she will use them. Not that it will be easy but she is not alone and neither are you.
I would hate to have this
I would hate to have this situation to deal with. That being said, at age 17 I was 100% self-supporting. No kid. So that informs my attitude.
I'd like to think I'd sit down with my DD/SD as the case may be and say:
So, you're pregnant. Having a child is a big responsibility. It's time you learn what you need to be able to do in order to handle this responsibility. I'd like you to spend the next few weeks looking into the following things:
1. How much will it cost to rent accommodation for you and the baby?
2. How much will it cost you to move?
3. How much will it cost you to furnish your new place?
4. What do you need to provide for the baby for the first year?
5. How much will you be able to earn working?
6. How much will you be spending on daycare/babysitters?
7. What schooling will you be pursuing in the meantime?
8. What medical care costs will you be responsible for?
9. What will medical insurance for the baby cost?
10. What do you plan to feed the baby?
11. What meals do you know how to cook now?
12. How much will it cost you to eat every month?
13. Can you think of ways to save on food and other costs?
14. Where will you be doing your laundry?
15. Will you be able to afford a telephone?
And then I'd tell her that if she needs more information, you'd be happy to help her figure out how to get answers.
I must say, it seems your SD's are really baby-makers - I don't recall anyone of my acquaintance in high school or shortly after who got or wanted to get pregnant. One girl did have a baby around age 23. I'm not that old or something, it just wasn't something that was part of my 'scene' I guess.
Thanks for defending me (or
Thanks for defending me (or her, I guess), sincerely, but I wasn't offended by her comment. 2 out of my 3 step daughters got pregnant as teens? *sigh* She's not wrong... unfortunately.
It wasn't intended to be
It wasn't intended to be rude. When I was in high school, I'm sure lots of the students were having sex and some were getting pregnant. I wasn't. None of my friends were. So that wasn't my scene. I also didn't smoke, do drugs or drink. I knew some students who did, but they were acquaintances, not friends.
In high school, I'd hang with my friends and go to the movies, go for a walk, play sports, go to each others' houses, go to all-ages dance parties and do projects together (one summer we all made Hammer-pants... now you know how old I am lol). Drinking, having sex, having babies? Those activities didn't fill our social calendar.
Great that she's on the pill. For me, it was weird that sex and babies is such a big part of these teenager's lives. And not just one, all.
I am totally aware that teen pregnancy is nothing new. Perhaps my assumptions about why it happens are misguided - I had always assumed that it was kids who didn't know better (ie about birth control, or the first time) or kids who went too far with partying. I didn't expect it to be thought of as a normal developmental stage - turn 13, start having sex, ready for babies by 15.
Maybe that line is rude - but if you add a decade and say it's normal by age 21 to start having sex, and to be ready for babies by mid-20s... that's totally accepted as normal. Right?
So what's going on that the development during adolescence is totally skipped and these kids go directly to adulthood?
Not at intended to be rude. Food for thought.
THIS^^^^ and can you talk to
THIS^^^^ and can you talk to her about adoption? I'm so sorry- as a mom of 2 DD's this is my nightmare.edit: the "THIS" was for the list of expenses.
^^^THIS! I had BD23 at 18. My
^^^THIS! I had BD23 at 18. My mom only watched BD23 while I was in school or out job hunting. She needs to get on all the assistance possible. I know for some it may feel a bit shameful, but you should not be expected to carry the burden of your step's decisions. Personally, I would be mad at DH! I mean, what the heck was she doing seeing a 22-year-old bum in the first place? Dad should have stepped up and said "Oh NO!" Medicaid, WIC, food stamps, etc. I know if I were in your shoes, I would definitely be telling DH it was his problem to figure out, because my advice was that she shouldn't be dating the guy, and he not only allowed it, but allowed them to spend so much time alone together! Not sure how things were in your case.
If she is a junior, I believe you can go to the FAFSA site and start filing now for college financial aid. I didn't pay a dime for college because I was a single mom. No shame in going to a junior or community college the first year and transferring...to see what kind of load she can handle. Took me 5 years to finish a 2 year college because I had to work full time, but it can be done. An Associates is better than no degree, and she can go back later. A friend of mine just recently went back and got her Bachelors.
There is also no shame in looking to adoption. It isn't an easy choice, there are many good people out there who would be great parents who cannot have kids. Another good friend of mine adopted after they found out she couldn't have kids, and she is an awesome mom! They see their daughter as the greatest blessing God could have given them!
I had my boys when I was
I had my boys when I was young and in high school and although my parents let me stay under their roof there was no question that I was raising my boys. Before I left for school I had to have bottles made or food ready, clothes out, diapers and wipes available and anything else done that needed done. I had to be home within such a time period from school - no goofing off and if my child was sick, I didn't go to school that day. I didn't go to any proms or football games or any social events. It was school and kids. Period. My dad did not want me working while in high school so he did cover all expenses outside of child support. I didn't qualify for any assistance due to being a minor and under his roof either, they went by his income. But you better believe though come income tax time, my dad was able to claim my boys since we were under his roof and he kept the money and that was how I paid him back, years worth!! I think he claimed my boys until they were 7 or so and I had no problem letting him do that!
What about adoption? I was
What about adoption?
I was born to a 17 year old mother myself, and it was hard not only on her (my mother), but me. I would have been MUCH better off in the care of parents who had their crap together. Obviously a 17 year old who gets pregnant by a 22 year old jobless guy does not have her crap together.
IMHO- she should seriously think about what is the best option for her child.
I'm so sorry and feel for you
I'm so sorry and feel for you and your situation. I second the sentiments of others. There might be some type of organization in your area that can help. We have a program for young mothers in my county. It's really helpful for the young girls and pushes them to be more self-sufficient with some help of course. I hope things improve. Is adoption an option for her?
^^^^^THIS THIS THIS^^^^^ OP,
^^^^^THIS THIS THIS^^^^^
OP, you said the baby's daddy is 22. Job or no job right now, time for him to MAN UP! If he was man enough to have sex with a 17-year-old girl (WTH...what 22 year old dates a high school kid, anyway), he is man enough to step up to his responsibility! Time for the boy to get a job, maybe even two jobs! As been said before, this is not your burden! You can HELP out of love and concern, but it has to come down to the two of them to care for this baby if SD decides to keep it. Pill or no pill...it was still their decision to have sex, and they need to own up to that decision. And as I said before, if DH allowed this relationship, he needs to own up to that decision!
Everybody in the U.S. is on
Everybody in the U.S. is on welfare except you and me and I'm not sure about you.
She might as well join the lines.
if abortion is not an option
if abortion is not an option then adoption should seriously be considered. or perhaps the sister will come to her senses and get off this "i have to have my OWN baby" and take a family baby to help her sister out.
a teen pregnancy does not have to mean your life is over and that dreams are shattered. but it obviously requires some tough discussions and decisions and thinking about what is truly best for this child.
adoptions are not like the adoptions of 20-30 years ago. most are open now, and the birth mother can often be as involved as she likes (or not).
im so sorry to hear this, and i too echo what others have said - this is my fear, and i have a feeling it will be realized with my SD13 before too long. all i can hope is that she has her mothers genes with regard to reproduction (her mother had 3 or 4 miscarriages before SD was born).
Rather than respond in a
Rather than respond in a whole bunch of little posts, I'm going to answer things here.
Abortion - not on the table. My DH thinks it's the best option for her, but she thinks it's out of the question. (Actually, DH thinks the BEST option is to build a time machine and make sure this never happened in the first place. Since that's not within my current skill set however, we'll have to deal with the fact that it did happen.)
Adoption - An interesting option, and I think if it stayed in the family she might consider it. Eventually. But right now she's very much planning how to make to work (keeping the baby, I mean) and not ready to consider any alternative to that. Honestly? I'd rather DH and I adopt the baby than let SD23 do it. If it comes to that, it's what I would suggest.
Welfare -
OC, no, I am not on welfare. 
It might be that SD17 qualifies for some assistance, and we're going to look into it. I know she won't qualify for as much since she's living with us (we're nowhere near qualifying), but there might be something. The baby won't be born until after her birthday too, and she's talking about moving in with Baby Daddy at that point - they'd more likely qualify, since they'd make way less than us.
Whether this is my financial burden - Heh. No, sueu2, I am nowhere even close to sainthood! (The mind boggles.) I'm not really sure how to explain it though. It's not even that I feel responsible, or that anyone else feels I am either, more that I desperately want to help her because I know how hard everything is going to be for her and if I can handle some of the crap for her then I want to do that. *sigh* Y'all are right though that all I can do is all I can do - and whatever is left is on her.
Statutory rape - Nope, age of consent in my state is 16. We'd actually looked into it already due to some previous problems with this boyfriend. We CAN "force" her to stay in our house until she's 18 though - if she tries to move in to the boyfriend's house without our permission, he'd be arrested.
As for the rest of it, we talked last night and I asked her in a perfect world, what did she see happening? She talked about getting a job (part time) and finishing high school. Baby Daddy has an aunt who might watch the baby during the day. She wants to move into an apartment with Baby Daddy, this summer ideally, so they can "get used to each other". (Oh yes, my eyes almost rolled out of my head but I kept it under control! You've got no business making a baby with someone you're "not used to".) Then she wants to get her CNA and work in the hospital. She's in the process of figuring out details on that plan. I think what she's not factoring in is just how much is on her plate - but it's not something I can tell her, she won't hear me.
DH and I told her that she's not moving out (and in with the boyfriend) until her 18th birthday, which will still be before the baby comes as I said. Certainly not this summer. I'm still half hoping he's going to run. I asked how he took the news, and she said, "He said it was a good thing he was sitting down." So I don't know, could be taken either way. She hasn't told her mother yet. SO not looking forward to that.
in some ways it might be best
in some ways it might be best if the guy does just disappear. sounds like he's good for nothing, and she wont likely get CS from him anyway.
when my childhood best friend got pregnant at 17 the dad wanted nothing to do with her or the baby. she ended up being really happy about this and did ok for herself. well, until she met baby daddy #2...then when that didnt work out baby daddy #3 saved the day....she later married baby daddy #4 and got divorced a year later.
Oh believe me, her father has
Oh believe me, her father has made that point to her MULTIPLE times since he found out. (And we both had made that point to all the SD's multiple times since they started dating. "No glove, no love" and all that.) It was a stupid decision to do without it. DH did say to her at one point last night that she better make him wear one from now on. She looked a bit startled, but DH was starting to lose it so she let it go. Appearances notwithstanding, she is a smart girl.
EXACTLY!!! Respect yourself
EXACTLY!!! Respect yourself enough to protect yourself! That is my motto!
On the up side, I suppose
On the up side, I suppose this means she won't be smoking in my house any more! (Just noticed that post is right below this one at the moment!) Actually, once I thought of it I realized I haven't seen her smoke since last weekend, which was when she found out. I choose to look at this as a positive sign, if she can start taking responsibility like that now!
i get more ticked at the
i get more ticked at the NURSES who smoke. hello, third hand smoke is a real thing! dont puff on your break and then come in and handle me or someone's baby and subject me to your stench! set an example already!
LOL...tell me about it! That
LOL...tell me about it! That is like when I was overweight, and I had to see a GP, who obviously never missed a meal themselves, trying to tell me I needed to lose weight!
I'm so sorry you went through
I'm so sorry you went through that, but I'm glad your babies are OK now! Twin pregnancy is no joke. I have a really hard time not lecturing people who tell me "I always wanted twins!" (I was insanely lucky enough to get to 38 weeks with my twins, but had some serious issues along the way as well.)
Good thought on the prenatals! (Possible TMI...) I know she's had some issues with constipation in the past as well, and the iron in prenatals can make that SO much worse. I'll have to remember to let her know it's OK to switch brands if she has issues.
My friend said it best, "if
My friend said it best, "if you are old enough to make a baby, you need to go and make your own home." Perhaps it is a mistake to permit this girl the rose colored fantasy of having a baby and not supporting it and raising it. Maybe when she sees that her adult behavior has given her adult responsibilities she will choose adoption.
Her child is not your responsibility. You have enough to handle. Tell her dad its up to him, and see how fast other alternatives were found. My step sister eneded up in the same circumstances, and my mother said, no to raising a baby at 57. So, my dad phoned the boy's parents and it was worked out, and they married. Fast forward they are still married and have three kids. They started out in a crummy apartment and now live in a beautiful home.
Speak to the father's parents. Perhaps they are better situated to help.
I am sorry, sorry, sorry! Hugs and all the best wishes.