Difference in Raising Bio Child Vs Step
Husband and I have been married 22 years, the bio daughter we share is 17. Recently I had to deal with setting limits with a boyfriend of my daughter's, all was friendly and good, the parents were receptive. Infact,the mom and I have become quite chumming. Huge huge difference from when I did the same with stepson and his girlfriend's family. Girlfriend at the time was 16 and stepson was 18, I was concerned about birth control. I had seen the cards and it was obvious they were involved. husband approached his son first who denied they were involved. I then contacted the mom. The mom laughed it off, said that her daughter told her everything and that they were not involved but reassured me that her daughter was on the pill. Next thing I know the girl is kicked out of her mom's house. Of course then the kids hate me.
My youngest step son told us 3 1/2 years ago that we would never his daughter and she would never know us as grand parents. Husband has tried to keep touch with him but stepson has stayed true to his word.
I was telling my husband that as a stepmom I was looked at the problem with the school teachers, his family, girlfriends and wife of the stepsons. I was the one they suspected as having hard feelings and not being fair. I didn't treat them any differently than I did my bio children and no one wanted to look at the issues that were real in dealing with this kids. It is just crazy!
Several years back my oldest daughter form my first marriage left her husband for a time and she was talking about divorcing him, they have 3 children. I saw the nightmare play out in my head, the nightmare that I have lived. I realize adult children have to make their own choices and we need to be supportive but in this one I asked her to please go back to her husband and try one more time. She was mad at me for not supporting her leaving her husband but they have been back together since and seem to be doing well. She and I have a relationship and she doesn't seem to hold the incident against me.
Way different with the bios vs the steps even if you treat them the same. I think everyone expects us to treat our steps like they are golden and if we are not constantly praising them and doting on them it is us that has the issue. For get about the lack of acceptance from the step child and how awful they can be towards you. I only wish that my inlaws will one day experience their own actions and realize how awful they treated me and how much I put up with from my steps!
I found that "overstepping "
I found that "overstepping " was a big problem when dealing with steps. During the time frame that your actions which are out of concern and caring about the steps offer any kind of advantage to them, you will be slightly tolerated. Their parent will be placed on a pedestal for having provided them with a person who has saved the day temporarily.
My experience with over stepping came about during the early years of my marriage to DH. I was still in the Brady Bunch frame of mind that I should be equal and fair with all children across the board. What I had not realized is that "all" children were not my responsibility. In my situation, both DH and I were older with adult children and grandchildren.
Rearranging my life to take in step grandchildren for a few years resulted in my becoming the outcast. No one else {meaning blood relatives such as aunts, grandmother} stepped forward to prevent the step grandchildren from ending up placed with strangers. once the children were returned home their " family " circle resumed and DH continued to be a part of that family. Although I no longer saw or heard from "the family " I did hear about their feelings towards me. My concern and helping as if they were my family quickly became "trying to take and keep the children as if I wanted ownership"
They may have felt I had overstepped once my services were no longer needed. I did learn a valuable lesson. They were NOT my family. They were NOT my responsibility. If no one blood related was willing to take on the responsibility then it was their decision to make. It was not my right to step in and save the day. It was not my right to hold that family to the same standards of parenting or lifestyle that I expected of my own children or myself.
I do not have the right to dictate standards to the neighbors down the street. I also do not feel the need to "save the day" by taking on the responsibility of fixing what ever I think is lacking and needs fixed in their life. The lifestyle and their choices are their normal. It has been their normal and accepted by them for many years. Consider the steps in the same category as neighbors down the street.
It took me years but I
It took me years but I finally came to the same conclusion. My stepsons are not my family and not my responsibility, I learned a hard lesson by caring and engaging in their lives.
StepAside, if I had it to do
StepAside, if I had it to do all over again I would do things differently. I was trying to be fair to all the kids by treating them the same. I simply took on more than I should have. husband and his ex didn't want to step to the parent plate and neither were willing to work with each other and were not real supportive of me. So it turned into a real mess.
Yep. Everyone expects a
Yep. Everyone expects a woman to treat the skids like they were her own. But when she does, the SM gets criticized and isolated. I guess what people really mean is they want a woman to treat the skids like their own ONLY when you are doting on them, not when they need parental guidance.
Can't win.
EXACTLY!
EXACTLY!
^^True^^ No good deed goes
^^True^^ No good deed goes unpunished.
Good for you! I did care
Good for you! I did care about the boys and really felt bad from them when they were small. Their dad would rink very heavy and then become harsh with them, playing toughly to the point that these 5 and 7 year old boys would be in tears. Looking back that was all red flags to me at the time but in my head I saw that these people needed me and basically I tried to rescue them. Husband would yell at them for dropping food on the floor but when I asked if they were allowed to jump on the beds and told they were not, he did nothing about it. Husband was into porn and left his mags laying around, he was taking the boys to sports bars to drink with his guy friends. I changed that all for the better for these kids which I am sure they do not even realize. I stepped in with the mind set of helping and that's how I got too involved. Lesson learned!
It's never the same with
It's never the same with skids as it is with bios and it sucks. My SD has a habit of forgetfulness and she leaves notes all over the place. Personal notes she writes to friends and teachers. I found one laying around that she wrote to a school teacher. It said she wants to talk to the teacher about puberty because she has a stepmom and doesn't want anything to do with her. She wrote stepmom in big capital letters and underlined it. Just weirded me out. I can't be normal in my own house like I was with my first marriage and my bio, who is now an adult.
I sure do understand!
I sure do understand!
Gosh, yes, it's totally
Gosh, yes, it's totally different! I've been a SM for 15 years and figured out very early on (before I had my own kiddos with DH) that a SM is NOT in the same ballpark as a bio and doesn't have any more say than, perhaps an adult who's visiting and only gets involved when a child is in imminent danger or something. I've always been very hands off with SSs, who were 3 and 5 when we married(and my DH was very hands on, as it should be.) SSs are now 18 and 20 and believe you me, could use a LOT of guidance, since BM's approach to parenting has been VERY permissive. However, I would NEVER try to tell either of them what to do with their lives or say anything more than I would to a passing stranger because I know, even though we're on a decent basis, I don't mean anything more to them. I only get involved with them and put myself out there to the extent it is something that DH wants me to do and makes him happy, which is the only reason I do it. I have avoided a lot of hurt feelings that way.
The thing with SS and his
The thing with SS and his then 16 year old girlfriend was that she was under age and he was legal age. I feared him getting her pg and then her running to her parents saying she was raped. So was my thoughts selfish? I think I was thinking of them both. And how is it different when it is my own bio child and I am having this talk with a boyfriend's parents than it is when I am the step parent? I don't feel there should be a difference. I met my husband when his sons were 5 and 7, I raised them, they called me mom. My husband was military and work sent him out of town quite frequently. I could not call on him for every little thing. Bio mom was no where near us and she was angry that I was even in the picture caring for her children. She could not let her children love me and said all kinds of terrible things about me to the boys when she did have them. I think it takes walking in someone shoes sometimes to understand fully.
Bio mom didn't like her sons
Bio mom didn't like her sons interacting with my daughters like brother and sister so she would tell SS that he did not have to do things with them, that he could go in the other room. Oldest SS would start crying on the phone when he was like 9 when he was talking to his mom on the phone so I started listening and she was telling her son to tell his dad that he wanted to live with her. This was not something he initiated or said to her, she was initiating it. Bio mom told the boys that they did not have to listen to me. She and I spoke on the phone about custody one time. She made it very clear to me that I was not the mother of her sons, even though I was the one raising them. She told me that her boys told her they hated me. She then went on to say that if my husband were to be deployed and gone more than six months she expected her sons to go to her. She was the one that left her 2 and 4 year old behind and made no contact for 2 years. I met my husband at the point where he had been divorced for 3 years and it was nearly another year before she realized he was dating someone. When she realized I was in the picture her claws came out big time. There were threats of going to court and fighting for custody. She asked me, before we married, if I did not stay with my husband if I would be willing to testify in court to help her win custody of her boys. This woman was a real piece of work. She sent a bogus letter, looked like an actual legal document to my husband's supervisor saying that I was not allowing her to speak to her sons, that she would call and I would tell her that they were not there but that she heard voices in the back ground. This never happened. None of it good. My husband refused to speak to her because of the way she was and that wasn't good either.
So yeah, damned if I did and damned if I didn't. It is one chapter of my life I have closed. I wish the boys well but I am done. I will not hold my husband back from a relationship with his sons but I feel no need to be involved in any way, shape or form.
I know in my heart that I did
I know in my heart that I did what was best for my stepsons even if they do not understand. I now look at the whole thing like I was the foster mom, my job is done.
Definitely!! Crazy too how we
Definitely!! Crazy too how we can get triggered and all this comes back so quickly.
It's a 'damned if you do,
It's a 'damned if you do, damned if you don't' situation. If you show concern for skids you are "overstepping". If you don't show you care, you are criticized for not liking them. The only way you can win is to take care of your own needs first, and, as catlettuce suggested, "Consider the steps in the same category as neighbors down the street." I could never hold SD to the same expectations that I did my children or tell DH how to raise his daughter. In my opinion he could have done far more communicating with her and showing his love than he did. But after disengagement I gave him back that responsibility.
Right on with this but then
Right on with this but then again they will never see it that way, we are the evils ones. While i wish them the best in life i do at the same time believe in karma and one day they will feel my pain, I do not need to feel like I need to inflict it or make sure it happens. life has a way of taking care of its own.