Hi Newbie looking for Feedback???
Hey There,
Ive been in a blended relationship for 10.5 years
I have a 26 yr old stepdaughter & 16 yr old stepson
Me and my fiance have recently seperated as of last Sunday, This is the first time we have ever been apart due to relationship issues. I was ok for a couple days but after Wed. I became devistated.. Empty house, all alone, good memories here. Never in my 40 years have I ever been so emotionally broken. I cried day & night, couldnt eat!! When i say broken I was a basket case like someone so close died!! This seperation was brought on by my unability to control my anger when diciplining my step kids. mostly my step son because he was living with us & his sister is married. Im ok until i get pushed too far, im disrespected or ignored & my Fiance doesnt diciple much so im the bad guy. When I loose i, it's NEVER PHYICAL, but i do say some bad stuff.
Step son moved out 2 months ago after a huge fight. I asked him to clean some snow off the steps outside the door & i heard him calling me BAD names & swearing about me to his sister. I do EVERYTHING to make these kids happy so to hear that hurt & enraged me!!
Hes been living with his bf for 2 months & my fiance has been missing him alot.
my fiance checked on his grades a few weeks ago & he was failing severl classes & the others were not good. A week later she bought him a 650.00 new iphone on my acct after we discussed he would get her phone after she upgraded because his was stolen. Think she felt bad he wasnt here & wanted to make him happy?
When she came home & told me, I EXPLODED SWEARING, PUNCHED MY CABINET IN MY GARAGE.
i MADE HER GO GET THE PHONE AND RETURN IT.
This made him extremely upset & said he would never come back if i was here. My fiance & i have been arguing ever since....thats when she said im leaving & i said good go!!
Weve talked since & she loves me & i love her were missing each other dearly..
but her children mostly the son is telling her if she reunites w/ me hes done with her.. She feels absolutely torn!! I caused alot of problems with my anger but there were issues to fuel the anger.not that its an excuse! we have lost our rented house so shes with her mom & im with my dad, im going to get some anger help & coulseling!! ive already started, but what do we do..
We want to be together we love one another so much & have so much time in. But the kids are making it very difficult..
Please any feedback, I need help...
Sometimes you just have to
Sometimes you just have to realise that can have people in your heart but not in your life.
I'm so sorry to sound harsh but this sounds like a soul-destroying relationship for both of you. It doesn't seem like there's much happiness in your future if you stay together. Have you considered a trial separation? Perhaps the space will help you gain some clarity and allow you to really assess your life, what you want and how you can be happy.
If you are really certain that want to be together, consider going to anger management therapy. My husband has a temper and he's exploded and verbally abused me (I'm now separated from him because I couldn't take it anymore). The problem is, I don't trust him anymore not to get angry and blow up at me again, even though he's promised it won't happen again. I suspect your SS may not trust you...? Think about what you can do to win back your SS trust - anger management? A heart to heart talk with him? Because face it...if you want to be in the relationship, as te step parent, YOU will have to be the one who does most often hard work in making the relationship work. Are u ready for that? Is that what you want?
Ditz has this dead to rights
Ditz has this dead to rights IMHO. Anger happens. It is not pleasant and it can escalate but you did not allow that to happen.
My SS was generally a very easy kid to raise though there were a few instances where I became far too emotional or angry considering the situation. I never hit him and other than an occasional spanking (no more than can be counted on a single hand) he responded well to logical discussion, a few marathon text book parental lectures and the usual grounding, loss of privileges, etc....
He responded amazingly to Military Boarding School. For some reason guidance and discipline from someone other than mom and dad got his attention. He thrived for most of his 2years at Military School and is thriving in the USAF now.
Your fiance is allowing her son to blackmail her and to adversely impact her life and future. Her son will in the not too distant future be out and living his own live. Where will her acceptance of his threats and manipulations leave her then? Were I you I would seriously contemplate on whether I want a life partner who does not have the courage, strength and confidence to deal with a child and who will alow a child to impact not only her life but yours. If my brothers or I had ever put our parents in the position of having to choose between each other and one or all of us boys .... we would have been out in a heartbeat. Your SS is old enough to drop out of school and start laboring for his beans. Your fiancé needs to call his bluff and let him either grow up or walk. That she is choosing this brat over you indicates to me that you should let her stay gone. She has made her decision.
Make yours. Move on and be happy.
Do not beat yourself up over this more than necessary.
IMHO of course.
I'm not so sure
I'm not so sure 'stepfatherchokie' that your step-son is so much to blame. Isn't this pretty normal behavior when a teen thinks nobody is listening? Hell many adults do the same. Especially considering your past history with this kid?
First you need to take care of your anger management issues and its not going to take a few counseling sessions. Second you need to let your fiancé take care of her children without interference until they're both out of the house when they're ready. Is the kid college material? If so then your fiancé needs to be there to help him through that also.
Meanwhile you need to be out of his picture. By that I mean you and your fiancé can stay just that, engaged, but only dating. No marriage or shacking up anymore. Then when both kids are one their own you two can consider marriage again.
Listen you got it in your head that you needed to be involved in these kids upbringing when in fact a million or more kids are growing up today without any help from you at all and a huge majority will turn out just fine. Two more would not have hurt anyone. Instead you got two kids with a crappy childhood and one women torn between her "man" and her kids.
Time for you to step way way back and let her family sort this out so she can have a somewhat normal relationship with her kids for the balance of their lives. By continuing in this you can manage to run these kids so far off they'll cut their mother out of their lives. What a legacy.
Aren't you the same guy I told this to a couple of weeks ago? Looks like you didn't take my advise then and now you've managed to lose her, the house and perhaps all possibility of fixing the situation.
Leave these people alone and concentrate on fixing yourself.