I'm not so sure this is all so bad. I'd have paid a lot to have a co-operative ex-wife when it came to the kids, money etc. Especially now that your boyfriend has a live-in girl friend as that often sets off WWIII with ex-wives. You see they often think he's going to pine for her forever and when it proves untrue all hell breaks loose.

I would ask him to clear out her stuff. It's not hard. He just says "I was cleaning out the closet/garage/attic and ran across this stuff after backing a car-load of it up her driveway. She'll have no choice but to accept it at that point or rent a storage locker.

Tell him the parent should be told that its "Not a good time" to be staying over. If the parent hasn't taken the hint after being told twice then they will have to be told bluntly that what with a new girlfriend in the house visitation rights for parent is over.

I assume the ex is invited in doesn't just walk in. Keep the door locked if she does so she has to knock. It sets a boundary without being in-your-face about it.

You don't want to light off unnecessary animosity between the two of them. In my humble opinion unless he starts going to bars or staying overnight with her I'd leave the rest of it alone.

I'm not pointing fingers at anyone who has or will comment here but some of the ladies here will tell you to start WWIII over the drop of a hat when it comes to ex-wives. I suspect its more over anxiety than anything else because its often over petty crimes. "She didn't talk to me when we dropped off the kids". Beware of over-reactive advise.

That kind of amicable relationship is great for the children and their parents and a lot lower in stress for all concerned, including you, than constant friction, hostility or a Berlin Wall approach. But, there needs to be a balance, a new relationship needs some space and privacy and priority and so naturally some things need to give in the arrangements that have worked up to now with his ex. When you meet someone new there has to be some change and compromise. Otherwise you are sending a clear message that your new partners needs and feelings are not sufficiently important to you for you to make some adjustments. It may be that that is actually the case, and that keeping the status quo with his ex and focussing on parenting is this man's real priority. If that's his choice and he can acknowledge that then fair enough, but then he's effectively making a choice not to invest sufficiently in a new relationship to make it work.

Try picking your battles and assessing how he reacts. If it's a defensive shutdown it's a bad sign, because that reaction based on fear of change would permeate every future issue affecting your lives together. If my husbands ex had not been so unpleasant I would not have had a problem with her popping into the house during some collections or stop offs, or the borrowing stuff or phone calls a couple of times a week. But daily phone calls are just too intrusive and really not necessary, and so is the detailed insight into his financial affairs that comes with doing his taxes. I would talk to him about those specific issues and see if he's willing and able to listen. And if not make some of the points I talk about above.

I wouldn't put up with him supporting 2 households. I think all those things should bother you. When I first moved in with DH, he was still doing all those things for BM too. He made her mortgage, her car payments & insurance. He paid her bills, and filled her car with gas on a regular basis. BM would call or text every hour with a different need. One time she texted to tell DH that she cut her finger and needed him to call her ASAP. DH and I were on vacation in another state.

That was my last straw! I told DH I won't tolerate her petty needy tricks and false alarms just so she can try and keep him in her life as a slave to her. WTF could DH do about her papercut finger from another state? Oh, and by the way DH, I will not marry you until you are supporting ONE household (ours) and not two. I added up all BM's bills he was paying and it was over $3,600 a month, not including child support! And he only had 1 child. And shortly after that, DH and I took full custody of SD anyway and have been paying up the ass for her shit for over 6 years while BM found 3 other men to use. She convinced them all to pay her phone bill and other incidentals even before ever being in a relationship with them. How do these BMs manage to lead such easy work-free lives?

I am the guy the OP is talking about and I would like to clarify some things.

1) OP didn't mention I told my ex's parents they could NOT stay with me this time. A few days later, OP told me to tell them they COULD. Also, OP forgot to mention they aren't even coming to see me, they are coming to see their son graduate college and to help with my sons because I am out of town for the entire time they are here and my ex wife can't get both of my kids from daycare all week.

2) My EX and I cooperate on our taxes because she makes less money than me and we go against what is in the divorce decree because if she claims all the kids, etc, there is a bigger return for her. By doing this, it allows her to give me all my child support $ back throughout the year. Also, this tax thing is a temporary thing.

3) The ex does not "occasionally" ask to borrow things. Her BF asked one time to borrow a ladder I had for his job. I wasn't even home (I was at work) and didn't think it was a big deal. He lives with my ex wife and they split bills so I thought if it was for his job, that is a good thing. Again, this happened one time over a year ago and I actually told them "no" IIRC because it bothered OP.

4) The ex saw me at Christmas getting my Christmas stuff out when she dropped the kids off one day which reminded her she never got any of the kid's handmade Christmas ornaments (we got divorced in the summer so Christmas ornaments isn't exactly something you think about when you split stuff up in August). Is this really a big deal?

5) She does come in my house for 10 seconds to drop my 4 year old off. At this time I am usually getting ready for work and my ex's arrival time varies greatly. I can't wait by the front door for 30 minutes for her to show up. Also, if I'm in the shower I don't want to jump out and come to the door either. My 4 year old is usually grumpy and tired that early in the morning and is very "huggy" and "hold me" oriented. She simply walks in (I leave the door open) puts him on the sofa and leaves. We are talking like 10 seconds and I don't even see her.

6) about the money - "if she needs small amounts of money, she texts him" - this isn't exactly true. If the ex buys the boys something that I need to split the cost on, she texts me how much she needs. If I didn't feed the boys lunch yet and the ex comes and gets them, I pay for their lunch (like $7). $7 isn't a big deal to me and I wouldn't ask my ex for $7 but $7 to my ex is a lot of money (she doesn't make a lot of money).

7) the ex called me like one time because her Internet wasn't working and my kids were flipping out they couldn't watch their shows, play their games, etc. I had sold her a WIFI AP a long time ago and she simply asked me if that could be the problem. I am also in IT. I told her I didn't know and that she should probably call Time Warner if it doesn't come back online soon.

I am trying to simply keep the peace as best as I can with my ex. I don't kiss her a&* or anything but I am civil toward her and we cooperate on things. She did not rake me over the coals for $ in the divorce (thankfully) and she currently doesn't ask for child support (though she could ask for about $2,000/month). My ex and I get along. I see her for literally 3 minutes a week (during kid exchanges). I don't relish the idea of paying my ex a dime because I don't think it would be used for my kids but rather her and her BF. I have zero feelings for her (she cheated on me) and I don't really care what she does with her life.

I have known her parents for over 20 years and I don't see why I should turn my back on people that have done me no wrong and have been very nice to me over the years. I don't consider them my family or anything but more like friends. I'm not sure that is a bad thing.

Now, I'm not saying everything I do is perfect but I think OP is being a little unfair with the facts and my motivations. My motivation is to get along with my ex for the next 14 years (until my youngest is 18) and then never deal with her again.

My ex wife and I don't have fights, don't really argue, our kids our happy, and we have both moved on with our lives. I don't make big deals out of small crap (like the Christmas ornaments) because it isn't worth fighting about really. What should I have told my ex when she asked for a couple of the kid's Christmas ornaments? No? Go away? I mean it was simply an overlooked item (who thinks about Christmas ornaments in August?).

This is a line I have only had to use on DH one time and have received feedback from posters here that have used it as well and thanked me for it.

"Congratulations (DH's name)! By avoiding a conflict with BM you have been successful in creating one with me."

Addressing OP's SO here -

I know you may not like the tone of some things that have been said to you, but the information is valuable.

I want to recognize you because you are trying to accommodate OP's wishes. But I think you are doing it for her, and you don't yet see the value of these changes for you and your future life. And that will cause resentment toward OP to build. Instead of making this a "me against her" thing, why don't you start to understand that with a new relationship, everyone has to adjust. You can't have "keeping ex-wife happy" as your priority, and silently resent OP for not letting you do that and expect things to turn out well. They won't. It's a new day where ex-wife is not the one who needs to be kept happy. Your relationship with OP is your priority, and raising happy and healthy kids without parenting out of guilt is your responsibility. Note that your ex-wife is nowhere in that sentence, because she is your ex-wife. Your family is OP and your kids, and you prioritize your family. Again, note the lack of your ex-wife in that sentence.

Right now, you have not yet transitioned to the present day, where a divorce is The End, where there are boundaries, and where you understand that even though you share a child with your ex, you should no longer be acting like she is your priority. In fact, by being passive with your ex, you will actually create more conflict in your life, it will just be with the woman that you love. You may sabotage a promising relationship by refusing to understand that things NEED to change after a divorce, with or without kids in the picture.

You need to be treating OP with the same respect as you treated your ex-wife when you were married to her. Do you think your ex would have been happy if another woman was allowed to walk into your house? I'm guessing she would not stand for that. Do you think that your ex would have been happy if you were informally giving money to another one of your exes? Do you think she would have been happy if another ex still had possessions at your house and you thought that it was a perfectly normal thing? Your ex-wife would have known that she was not your priority, she would have raised hell, and you would have deferred to her as the #1 woman in your life. So why is it that OP is not treated the same? Is she not the woman in your life?

Why is OP punished for wanting to be the #1 woman in her relationship? Why is that selfish of her?

Many men do not understand that co-parenting is a business relationship directly pertaining to the needs of the kids (schooling, extracurriculars, health and emotional health, and scheduling issues). Anything beyond that is not parenting, it is holding onto the strings of the past marital relationship.

I think you've caused yourself more problems by trying to do this divorce amicably if your ex-wife has control issues. Why? You haven't severed ties in a healthy way. And let me tell you how this is going to go if she has emotional instability. Someday (hopefully very soon!) you're going to finally complete your emotional divorce, start living in the present, and you're going to understand the value of healthy boundaries. If your ex-wife is a balanced person, she may be mildly upset when things start changing in order for you to make space in your life for a healthy new beginning/relationship, but she will adjust in order to respect you and your new relationship. If she is not a balanced person, all hell will break loose. That is your clue that a truly amicable divorce where no one is punished for moving on with their life was never going to be possible. And all of the loosey-goosey "no we don't need CS or custody order or formal division of property" can and will be used against you in order for her to regain the sense of control that she feels slipping away.

You will be a very lucky man if your amicable low-key divorce set-up continues after you seriously move on with your love life. I hope, for you, that it does. But the posters on this site have seen this set up dissolve into horror stories over and over. We have seen the kids suffer for it, and be used as pawns so one parent can punish the other. We have seen "amicable financial arrangements" like yours go into court, and ex-wifey sues for CS. If she does, then if you don't have rock-solid records of all the money that you have informally given to her, she can get arrears back to the date of your divorce. She will do these things to punish you for removing her from the place of #1 priority in your life. It happens all the time, even when two naive people think that an informal amicable divorce is possible. Sometimes it is only possible to maintain this post-marital limbo until someone makes the totally selfish choice to fully move on with their love life. It can happen even if the ex-wife is seemingly happy in her new relationship. My SO's ex has been in a relationship since they split, but she is still creating chaos and misery at every happy milestone that he and I experience. She views him as her property and someone to be controlled, and his commitment and happiness with me directly conflict with how she views him, and so she rages and punishes.

The sooner you start living in the present day, the lesser the fall-out, and the better chance you have at not screwing up your new relationship. And, believe it or not, you will limit the amount of conflict that your kids are exposed to.

Very few divorced couples can keep up this friendship and harmony after both have devoted themselves to new partners. I hope that can happen for you. You'll find out once you live in the present. You're going to need to do that if you want a confident woman in your life, as any woman who would be with you and not insist that you start living in the present day is going to be a doormat. So why not start today and hopefully repair your relationship with OP and get it back on solid ground?

If you're not willing to do this, then I think OP has a choice where this is something that she is willing to live with or she is not. She can't change you, and any changes you make have to be 100% your idea or you will resent her. I think that you need to decide if you're ready to start living in the now and honoring your present day commitments. If you're not, then you're not ready for a new relationship that does not include your ex-wife.

I don't agree with everything Locke is doing. However, I think it's crazy to change what works for you and your kids in order to please someone you just started dating. At this point you're still getting to know one another.

What happens if the relationship ends in a few weeks or months? Should he be expected to change the way he deals with his ex-wife and her family each time there's a new woman in his life?

That fact that this is a new relationship is the main point to me. I think it would be easier to walk away than to force someone you just started dating to change the way he interacts with his former family.

OK, just read that this is a year and a half relationship. That changes things for me.

ajp1999 and bf,

Your story sounds alot like mine.

I would like to tell a little bit of my story. DH and I had a LD relationship but right before our wedding I noticed that DH (then BF)would always accept BM calls when we were together (just in case something had happened to SS13). I had a talk with DH about this and he agreed to back off from talking to BM and assured me that him and BM did not have emotional ties.

Well, then we married and on our honeymooon BM called DH to find out when he would be back in town. She was already told this, so that was our first argument. Then, I found out that BM had lived at DH's house even after the divorce, that DH and BM would take SS out to dinner together, that DH and BM either talked on the phone or seen each other every day and that BM had a key to OUR house. BTW, BM also did not take all of her keepsakes before I moved in.

We have been married 5 years now and needless to say there have been countless arguments because DH and BM were the monkeys that still have ahold of the same tree. If she needed money she would call and DH would hand it over with no questions asked. If she wanted to call and talk about SS she would and then go off on whatever else she wanted to talk about that had nothing to do with SS. She would insist on having meetings with DH and would want to come in OUR home. When she got in there she would act inappropriately to my DH and DH would not say one thing to her because he was afraid to offend her and he didn't want to cause any rifts with BM. So I would be required to sit there and take whatever DH and BM dealt in whether it was conversations not about SS or BM patting DH on the leg in our home because DH did not want to have to pay her CS and he wanted to co-parent with BM.

Then the icing on the cake was when SS got a little older and seen that I insisted on a few basic boundaries for BM he hated me because those boundaries had never been put into place before me, I was the enemy!!! Oh and then BM started insisting on having private conversations with DH because she did not want to talk in front of me, obviously about me.

I have fought my way to have a few boundaries but I know in my heart DH only did it because I insisted and fought for it, not because he really wanted to. I now know that he tried harder to please BM and not get her angry then he did me.

Now 5 years later I can tell you I am not so sure it was worth it to fight for something that your mate can not do just because of his love and respect to you.

There is so many similar things in our stories that I could tell you, for instance when BM wanted the baby book, when they did their taxes together, all of the special little arrangements they made just the two of them.

All the while, DH insisted that he was finished with BM because she had an affair and he did not want her back. Strangely, I do believe that DH was probably finished with BM to a certain degree but still very attached to her emotionally and liked the attention of having 2 women. BM was finished with DH but she needed him financially and very much wanted to keep him on a string in between her men because it was profitable to her financially.

It is a sad story and a sad and disappointing life for the "other" woman.

I just found out my mom may have breast cancer, my Aunt just passed away a couple of hours ago, and some other bad news. I have had enough of a beating for one day and I'm taking a break from this thread. I do appreciate the constructive comments and there was some good info in some of the posts. I am willing to make compromises but I do not agree that I should give my ex a dime. I do not want her becoming dependent on my money for anything, if she does, I'll be paying that for 14 more years which I think is unfair since we have 50/50.

I think I have one of the "easier" smom gigs on these boards, so I'll chime in from a moderate viewpoint. Just so you know where I'm coming from, I've been married to DH for 6 years (together for 8 years), he was divorced for 2 before I met him. I've got 3 stepdaughters who were 8, 11 and 13 when I met them. His ex cheated on him (and married the guy she cheated with). His ex isn't psycho - I may not *like* her (or understand her choices), but I don't hate her. The kids have periodically given me problems (which is why I sought out forums), but I have no particular issue (usually) with BM.

Now, ajp1999 - "Should" you have problems with all that? Well... you don't HAVE to. It's not necessarily wrong if you do, but it wouldn't be all that weird if you were OK with it either. BM has been in my house to pick up the girls, didn't bother me. They've had to supply tax information to each other for CS stuff - as long as MY financial info isn't included, it doesn't bother me. (DH and I keep finances separate.) We've actually done to a hockey game with his ex BIL and wife. They're nice. I can see why DH wanted to stay in touch, it's fine. DH talks to BM periodically. Hell, he puts her on speaker phone sometimes if he wants my opinion on whatever the subject is! So you don't HAVE TO have a problem with it all, it doesn't NECESSARILY mean you're second place. But.... you feel that way. And THAT is a problem. It's not really about the crap you listed here - that's part of it, sure, but not the real issue. The thing is that my DH *always* makes me feel like he and I are a team. Remember I said he puts BM on speaker phone? Because he *values my input*. And shows it. And for whatever reason, you're not feeling that from your boyfriend. Maybe things will change, maybe they won't, but I think you need to set a timeline for yourself (and him). "If things aren't better by (pick a date), we need to split up." Figure out what exactly will make you feel better. See if he can do that. It might be that he can't, so be ready for that.

Locke - You're not really wrong, but you're not right either. There's nothing inherently wrong with the way you're dealing with your ex-wife. The problem is that your girlfriend isn't happy. So what are you willing to do? Yeah, she might have some "boundaries" she wants when it comes to the ex coming to the house or calling. And it sounds like you took those to heart and implemented some changes. Good for you. But she's still unhappy enough to come here and seek advice. So what ELSE can you do? It doesn't have to be about your ex you know. You don't have to start WWIII with her or blow up your world. Is there anything else you can think of to show your girlfriend she's special? That you value her and what she thinks and feels? Only YOU know what you can do there. Maybe it means you ask her opinion about summer camps. Maybe it's cooking her favorite meal which she knows you hate. Who knows? But how can you let her know DAILY that you're thinking of her? That's really all she's asking for - to know that you're thinking of her and her feelings. It's just centered on the whole divorce thing because that's where she feels it most. But if you make her feel like she's completely your teammate and partner and that you think of her and her feelings, then she can deal with your ex a lot better.

The thing is, I think you guys aren't just on different pages, you're on whole different books. It doesn't sound like you want the same things or value the same stuff. You might both be happier with a different relationship. Tough to tell just from a few posts though, so I wish you both the best!

Edited to add: So sorry about your aunt, and I hope your mom is OK!

Op,
I just realized I gave you my story but didn't really answer your questions. So here you go.

A few days a week ex comes into house to drop off kids -- NEVER should happen!

The exes parent are going to stay with him several times a year for a weeks span each time - - NOT! If he wants to invite you and go to dinner with them and the kids (without the EX) that should be up to you. How do you feel???

The ex occasionally asks to borrow things --- NEVER! She has other friends or family and if not too bad.

The ex does his taxes. They have some deal worked out where they split all money from taxes ------ ALL of the SPECIAL deals need to come to an end! Their lives should be seperate.

She still has some items in his house that she has to get. And they have been divorced two years --- Just another thing that needs to come to an END. Another method of staying emotionally attached!

Phone calls daily 90 percent about kids other ten may be other stuff. My internet is not working etc

-- THERE should NEVER be conversation about anything other than NECESSARY conversations about the CHILDREN.

If she needs small amounts of money she texts him.
_________
---Shouldn't happen! EVERYTHING should be either court ordered or pre-determined. She can send a weekly/monthly statements mailed to the house and he can mail her back a check. Limits phone and person to person contact!

Last but not least there is some weird thing where I feel like he walks on egg shells to make her not upset or she will try to get more money from him. So my feeling do come after hers in my mind. He says no that he is just trying to keep the peace.

----- You feel that way because he probably does!!!! Yep, you are more than likely second place and how she feels trumps yours because he's afraid what she will or will not do!!!

Why is it wrong for a husband (or hell even a BM or SK) to come here and give their side of the story?

I agree that the OP should walk away.

??'s for the OP...

How did your SO find himself here? Did you show him the advice you received and suggest he post himself? Or did he check up on you and decide that he wanted to be heard? I don't want to make assumptions before I have the facts.

OR

Has everyone here been drawn in to a trolling scenario?

Again, not trying to make assumptions.

This situation definitely does not pass the test of reasonableness or the smell test IMHO. Something is amiss with the over exposure and over familiarity in daily life between your BF and his XW/BM.

I am sorry but his XW does his taxes and they split the return? WTF is up with that? :? :O Fine on splitting the return but when you split the blanket and divorce you do not share your post divorce financial information with your XW. Find a neutral CPA and both submit your information and have the professional do the taxes then split the cost. Are they divorced filing jointly or some such crap? I do not think that is even an option.

After divorce the one moving out gets their shit and leaves never to return and for damned sure should not be allowed to use your BFs house as her personal storage facility.

I would nip this crap in the bud were I you. It just stinks like old skanky underwear to me.

What's the big deal about the Christmas ornaments, you ask? This exact thing happened to us, BM texted DH wondering if he knew where her "kitchen Christmas ornaments" were. I'll tell you how it made me feel at the time. I'll preface it by saying that every couple months (this thing probably being the second or third thing she came up with) she was texting or calling asking about random items. It made me (as a new wife) feel that she could just insert herself into our life at will if she was not put in her place. The first time she asked for something after I was in the picture, my DH blew her off by saying, "I'm not sure where it could be." I was unhappy with that, because it leaves the door open for further questioning. Then she asked about the Christmas ornaments. DH was about the same way, and that's when I asked him if it would be so hard to say, "The only items we have in our home are things we have a use for. Everything else has been donated or destroyed." I felt that those words would let her know that she need not bother asking about anything in the future. Why should your new girlfriend have to feel like your ex can barge in on your life whenever she likes?

I forget if it was you or someone else who asked the question about changing boundaries for each new relationship. What if it doesn't work out? Then are you supposed to change the boundaries again when someone new comes along? Well, yes and no. First of all, if you set up healthy boundaries (ones that make your gf feel as though she is the priority), then chances are you won't have to change anything for anyone else. But each person is different, and possibly someone new might require more or less. I'd also like to add that when those boundaries aren't in place, it's very confusing to the child involved. Children, by nature, would like their parents to be together. When you act in a way that blurs the line of it being over, it's just not healthy for the child. The child will also start to show resentment toward your new relationship, as new gf will be viewed as someone who is in the way of her "family." I think that is as big of a reason as your new relationship itself to set up healthy boundaries.

Much like your story, locke, my DH's wife cheated on him. She was estranged for a couple years prior, and walked out on DH and SS. Much like you, my DH likes to keep the peace. When reading your story, I became grateful again that my SS is nearly 13 and not 4. And I couldn't help but relive the stomach-twisting of those wretched conversations about Christmas ornaments. It's not just Christmas ornaments, that's what you need to know.

I don't think there is any further point in me posting anything here. There were some things people posted that was worth reading and I thank them for that. As for some others...I'll just say their posts were less helpful. I am working things out with OP to the best of my abilities. I wish you all the best.

A few days a week ex comes into house to drop off kids - NO. BM is NOT allowed in my house. She can drop SD off out front.

The exes parent are going to stay with him several times a year for a weeks span each time - WTF? NO! When you divorce, you also divorce the ex's family.

The ex occasionally asks to borrow things - NO. Again, an ex is an ex.

The ex does his taxes. They have some deal worked out where they split all money from taxes - Hell to the No. The ex no longer gets to be involved in your bf's finances. They can split the tax money without her actually doing his taxes (my DH and BM used to do that too before we were married). It is no longer her business.

She still has some items in his house that she has to get. And they have been divorced two years - Eh. Tell your bf to box up the stuff and give it to her. No need to keep dragging it out.

Phone calls daily 90 percent about kids other ten may be other stuff. My internet is not working etc - Phone calls should be about kids only. No personal stuff.

If she needs small amounts of money she texts him. - NOOOOOOO

Locke overall it seems like the key issue you're having with your gf, and the reason why you have got some flak here, is that your approach comes across as defend first, reassure last. I think if you'd come on saying yeah I can understand why x and y are difficult for my gf and her feelings are important so I can change those but this is what happens with z and I can't see how I can change it, you'd have got a different reaction. You're all logic and reason and not expressing understanding of how your girlfriend feels. Unfortunately relationships are not about logic and reason, they're about how we feel and communicate. Your gf clearly feels that you have a tendency to be dismissive of her concerns or feelings, and then you compromise, but in a reluctant begrudging way which leaves you in a lose lose situation - you changed stuff but it still hasn't made her feel valued and reassured.

It takes a huge amount of practical and emotional commitment to be a stepparent, and absorb your partners children and his commitment to those children into your life, especially when you have no children of your own so that the additional effort and compromise is very much one way. In return the parent really needs to go above and beyond in demonstrating appreciation, sympathy and support for their new partner. That means sometimes even if you can't understand your partners point of view, you have to prioritise caring about how they feel and acting accordingly over having the last word, or arguing the case for the defense. Because every time your gf makes an effort with your children, and compromises on her time with you, instead of the carefree child free activities she could be doing if she were with a man with no children, she's prioritising your feelings and theirs over her own.

Yes it's easy to explain why the Christmas decoration incident is perfectly logical, but your girlfriend raised a number of big and small issues, and it is the accumulation of those issues which is probably causing problems between you. The sum is greater than the parts so to speak. Your financial arrangements with your ex are a messy compromise, not a clear cut legal agreement. That's going to make any new partner feel nervous, particularly when there is the sense that the wish to avoid paying CS is inevitably going to lead to a 'don't upset the apple cart' approach with your ex. You've already made some practical changes in terms of your ex's access to the house and your relationship with the in laws, maybe there needs to be a change to the way you listen and respond to your GFs concerns, and a review of the informal financial situation with your ex.

when proper boundaries are in place, BM will definitely become angry because after all, she is the kids' mother, right? when you remove all the goodies she receives from your BF for being that person, she will become upset. BM should be treated no better or allowed any other privileges than some woman from the office. the woman from the office would never be allowed to enter your home on her own, would never ask about ornaments once shared, would never call about anything other than business, and the business in this case is the kids. BM will be angry at first for having all her "rights" revoked (which is called becoming emotionally disconnected). you are going to have to begin going by what the court order says. this needs to be your BF's bible. no more benefits from income taxes. i'm surprised you've managed to stay in this relationship this long without appropriate boundaries. this is just some woman reaching into your BF's life whenever she wants. I would insist BF has a talk with her, laying down the new rules and he needs to go to no to low contact with the ex so that she doesn't see him as a form of support in ANY way, other than child support. and, if you decide to leave this relationship, NEVER date a man with kids who does not follow the court order.