bed sharing? please help!
Hi, I am new to this site and have recently entered a relationship w/ an older man who has children, 11 (boy), and 9 (boy). I do not have any children of my own as I am only 23. My boyfriend is 37. Please no comments on our age difference, as that is not the issue. I realize there's a 14 year age gap between me and my boyfriend and only a 12 year gap between me and his oldest son, but so far that has not been an issue. My boyfriend has been divorced for about 7 years now, and here's the real issue... and it's a doozy... his 9 year old son has become accustomed to sharing a bed w/ him. I have begun staying over and the 9 year old frequently ends up sharing a bed with my boyfriend and me. He sleeps on the opposite side of the bed with my boyfriend in between us, but this makes me uncomfortable and I am unsure of how to bring this up to my boyfriend as I am afraid of what his reaction may be. I know I need to bring this up to him before we get too deep into the relationship but I just don't know how. I have mentioned it once before in sort of a joking manner by saying, "What are you going to do when he's 16 and you're both 6'4" trying to share a bed?!" He laughed and we joked about it but then he did say something along the lines of him enjoying the closeness that him and his son have and that he would miss it when the 9 year old finally grows out of wanting to sleep with him. I could really use some advice on how to address this issue, as I do not want him to think I am trying to tell him how to raise his children or over-step my boundaries. :O
Thanks for reading!!
You just have to let him know
You just have to let him know you aren't comfortable with that. You are not really in a position to tell him to do anything. Sleep elsewhere. If he would rather sleep with his 9 yr old than you then he has a problem. Just be honest and tell him you aren't going to share a bex with a 9 year old. Don't give in stand your ground on this. If the 9 yr old is in the bed you aren't.
Hi and welcome!! First of all
Hi and welcome!!
First of all EW!! At 9 years old this kid is waayyy too old to be sleeping with his daddy :sick: .. soon (if not already) the kid will be having woodies. It's a well known fact that most men wake up with one - two woodies in the one bed with you - sound nice? Sorry, don't mean to be flippant but damn, this is a common problem among stepkids with their over indulgent, disney dads.
It is wrong, sick, creepy and inappropriate.
Your bf needs to introduce BOUNDARIES & RULES - similar to boundaries and rules that schools have. Kids have proven that they can follow rules of school, so they shouldn't have problems with following rules & boundaries at home. One boundary is for him to never sleep in his dad's bed - only his own bed. This will also show him that a healthy relationship between two adults is with them only in the bedroom.
If your boyfriend keeps allowing kid to do this - he could also get into BIG trouble with child protective services - this is highly unacceptable!
Another thought for you - if boyfriends allows this, he will have a hard time being a parent to his child - he will want to be his friend and that's the last thing the kid needs.
Read more in this forum. Many, many steps go through what you're going through (I did - with an 11 year old daughter).. it will destroy your relationship if he doesn't start to introduce boundaries.
Thank you all for the
Thank you all for the comments. My concern was also that the kid may say something to someone and we'd both be having our morals questioned. Also I don't think the kids mother would be too thrilled to hear about this and I'd rather not start any drama with her this early on., especially not that kind of drama. I was thinking I'd just tell him I'm not comfortable and I'll be sleeping on the couch and if he is okay with that then maybe this relationship isn't the one for me. I really wish this didn't even have to be an issue, you'd think he'd realize that it's weird and awkward without me having to tell him.
And islandgal my mom actually said the same thing about him needing to be the parent and not let the kid rule the house or there are bound to be many more issues than just this one.
Thank you all again
you'd think he'd realize that
you'd think he'd realize that it's weird and awkward without me having to tell him.
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
*breathe*
Hahahahahahahhahahahhahaha
Yeah, you'd think. This kind of problem is waaaaay more common that most people realize. My husband had to be told that his 9 year old daughter calling him into the bathroom to wipe her ass was inappropriate. :sick:
Mine had to be told that
Mine had to be told that allowing his 12 yo daughter to jump into bed and snuggle with him when I got up was inappropriate - the fact he was sound asleep and starkers didn't bother him! His reply was "when I realise she's there I put some shorts on!"
And the rubbing the sunscreen all over her 13 yo (and larger than mine) butt....
And just so many other little eeeeuuuuuww moments... I think they just don't realise that these kids are not little toddlers anymore.
But I REALLY don't understand expecting a new partner to share a bed with their kids - ok - if you want to do it yourself with your own kid - not my thing at these sorts of ages but whatever, but to ask a new woman in your life to share the bed with your 9yo? wrong!
My OH did USED to share the bed with ss(then
before we moved in - I told him he had to stop that WELL before we moved in together because there was no way in hell I was sharing a bed with his son and I wasn't having his son blame ME for getting kicked out of daddy's bed. OH was a bit taken aback that he couldn't have sleepovers with SS anymore but I was not budging on that one. Deal breaker!
I think they just don't
I think they just don't realise that these kids are not little toddlers anymore.
I think that is a huge part of it. He still calls them 'babies', like if he just keeps believing it, it will be true and they will never grow up... :sick: I have a goddaughter (best kid EVER, she is the reason my intolerance for other children is so high) who is one week younger than YSD, and any time he refers to her as 'a baby' I correct him. "No DH. she is almost 9, she is not a baby."