What can I do...
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While disengaging from SS11 has helped relieve my stress over him, I have noticed that DH and I seem to be less connected. I'm sure it's because now DH is stressed over SS11, so what can I do to have the best of both worlds?
I agree with Echo. Anytime
I agree with Echo. Anytime the SS isn't there, use that free time to remind your DH why you fell in love to start with. I'm bad about this myself and the time SD8 isn't at our house it's like I can finally breathe but then I am focused more on that than him.
I'm having the same problem
I'm having the same problem with my DH. I've "come out of the closet" completely about my disengagement from his kids, and since then, it's like there's a wall between us. He says he's stressed out now when his kids are at our house because he knows how bad they get on my nerves, and it's driving a wedge between us.
Like Accordn2L said, I spend a lot of my skid-free time breathing a sigh of relief and not really spending much quality time with DH. I'm just so damn glad they're gone, but at the same time, I can't really say that out loud because I know it'd hurt DH's feelings...which I totally understand. If he felt that way about my kids, I'd be heartbroken!
I'm going to make a concerted effort to spend more fun time with DH, at least during our skid-free weeks. Maybe try to schedule a few kid-free date nights soon. We don't get many of those, and I miss them.
I've tried this, we will sit
I've tried this, we will sit down to watch a movie (just the two of us) and SS11 will come ask DH 50 questions during 1 movie. Or we will go to our room for the evening and SS11 will knock on the door 5-10 times in a 2 hour time span, for something as trivial as "Daddy, tomorrow when you get home can I have a glass of milk?" No lie that question was asked last night! All the children in the home (almost 13yrs & 12yrs) are able to take care of themselves...I know SS11 interupts just to get attention. DH doesn't say anything about the interuptions, and I can't stand it! Even though I am disengaged, is it ok for me to put rules in place during these times regarding not interupting unless there is a emergency in the home they can't handle?
His kids live there full
His kids live there full time, NOT EOW...
The 2hr span in our room, would be the same as trying to watch a 2hr movie in the living room...these kids are not 3 & 4 yrs old should not require constant attention from DH or myself...and honestly the other 3 children do not, it's only SS11 who is purposely avoiding bedtime or seeking to have DH's 100% attention on him instead of me. If one or two nights a week DH & I decide we want to go to our room an hour early, at 11 (almost 12yrs old), with a television, a video game, a cell phone, 3 other kids to play with, a fenced in back yard, a basketball goal, basketballs, skateboards, pogo sticks, footballs, etc SS11 should be able to find something to do for that time. I would be more understanding if he was inturpting occasionally or for a serious reason, but not to ask if he can have a glass of milk THE NEXT DAY after he was told to go to bed.
DH & I have primary custody
DH & I have primary custody of all 4 children, we "usually" get EOW without any children...we do make great use of those weekends most of the time...maybe I am feeling this way because BM hasn't picked up skids in 3 weeks (she was kicked out of her home for failing a drug test & her license are suspended for not paying cs). While I am happy to say DH took on full responsibility of skids while my bio's were gone, I miss him and our alone time
That is how our house is, my
That is how our house is, my daughter goes to her father's house EOW and we have SD8 50/50 so we end up with both girls away EOW.
Your state is tough! Taking away license for failure to pay! My ex-husband is thousands and thousands behind in support and yet CS never does anything.
I know you don't want to hear this because you need a break from the skids but if the BM is failing her drug tests and homeless you don't want her around those kids, she will just F*ck them up worse than they already are due to her.
You're right...we don't want
You're right...we don't want them with her...she actually had the nerve to ask us to take them to her mom this weekend! We told her we don't have the gas money to run them back & forth on her weekend...they can just stay home...even though I will be sacrificing yet another weekend without DH, I know it's for the best. SS11 has a lot of BM's tendencies, and stresses DH & myself out, I just feel like leaving everything on DH is causing him to resent me...even though he shouldn't because it's his kid, I understand it is a huge change from when I was handling everything for DH with regards to SS11. I just don't want to hurt the relationship DH & I have because we do love each other very much. It seems no matter who is dealing with SS11 &/or BM's issues, we are screwed! :?
Does SS11 live with yall full
Does SS11 live with yall full time?
Yes, DH has primary custody
Yes, DH has primary custody SD12 & SS11 & I have primary custody of BS12 & BD12. Only SS11 causing issues at this time.
It sounds like we are in the
It sounds like we are in the same boat, except I don't have any bios. We have SD6 full time & hardly ever get a break from her. She is up DH's butt from the time they get home from school/work until the time she goes to bed.
I don't get any alone time with DH until she goes to bed, and even then she is still awake (every night when I go to bed around 11 or so she is still awake.. I guess I can't force her to sleep but I can force her to go into her bedroom at 8:30) so I still don't feel completely relieved of her.
BM takes her some Saturdays so I always live for those days. But even then, she brings her back early on Sunday. We haven't had more than 1 day without skid in what feels like ages (in reality, it's been since August).
I disengaged from SD a while back because, over time, I realized that DH did not really value my opinions on parenting and nothing I did was appreciated. I spent YEARS trying to be a good wife/SM and trying to do for SD what I thought I would do for my own kids. After many, many disappointments and slaps in the face ("you're not a mother", "you're not my mother", etc.), I just gave up. Screw em. Now I couldn't care less what SD eats, drinks, wears, does, etc. The only thing I care about is that she go to her room at 8:30 because I need peace and quiet.
Me disangaging has definitely created tension between DH and I but there was nothing else I could do. He made it clear that he wasn't interested in me parenting SD.
"Since August"...OMG if it
"Since August"...OMG if it had been that long for me without a break from SS11 I would freak out! As a matter of fact, I have almost decided if BM doesn't find a way to get skids tomorrow, DH and I probably will take them to their grandmother just so we can get a break...I can't go another weekend with him following daddy around, interupting every enjoyable moment for us with his nonsense.
My DH does value my opinion and appreciates what I have done for his kids (for the most part), but SS11 is just too much trouble for one person to handle. He stresses everyone out, including DH. The times that SS11 is away the house is tension free & we have a wonderful time together. I did catch a small break last night, SS11 got in trouble and had to go to his room as soon as we got home from school/work, only allowed out to eat dinner, then straight to bed.
My post was basically to see if anyone else had noticed a barrier between them and their DH's after disengaging...seems to be the norm & I will have to make more of an effort to stay connected to him. That said, I do believe that is what marriage is about (with or without skids in the picture) & I am willing to work for my marriage, just not willing to work at SS11 anymore!