Need advice on disengaging
Hey friends,
I've spent the entire weekend reading up on different ways different steps disengage their step children, and in many ways, I am already disengaged. I do not involve myself with their health or education, or their BM in any way shape or form that is directly related to them. SS8 and I are doing great! He acts and responds like one of the family when he's here. I just love it, the 3 little ones get along really well (most of the time). Generally I get along with SS11, but his "I AM an adult" attitude, mixed with foul language, and poorly placed sense of humor among other annoyances are pretty easy for me to diffuse: I just walk out of the room, and take BS5 with me. (BD8 already understands how I feel about his behavior and she's been exposed to enough of it in movies, so I'm not as concerned there). Last night at dinner, DH fed him last, all the other kids were done by the time he got out of his boy-cave, and I finished my last few bites left and got up and left the table. He's been pretty much on the ball attitude-wise with me so far. I make it clear to praise and correct my children, and SS8 has gotten the hint and has stepped up his behavior for me, which is awesome.
SS11 is thicker. So, my question is with chores. I do all the laundry and dishes. I don't mind doing them when everyone else in the house pitches in with their chores. SS11 is the only one who does not do this. I don't want to go to the trouble of sorting his laundry out and not washing it, because that will still be more of a burden on me, but when I came across anything of his, I just left it in a pile for him to take care of. I told DH I'm not folding his laundry anymore. He said okay, but the problem is it's still sitting there on my dining room table. His snowpants, boots, and gloves are still in my car from our vacation. His wet clothes are undoubtedly still in his backpack. His dishes are still on the table. DH can clean up after him, I don't care, but I refuse to do it. I refuse to allow the other kids to do it. My question is what do I do with all his stuff so it's not in our way, but no one is "taking care of it" for him?
Question first - how on board
Question first - how on board is your husband? Does he help out around the house?
My husband is hot and cold
My husband is hot and cold depending on the chore. He is great about meals. He likes to run to the store every night to make sure we have everything we need for the next day. He'll cook dinner on his days off from work (which has been every day this week). And he makes all the kids' lunches every night (until recently BD8 who likes to make her own now)
His psoriasis is all over his knuckles and so he cannot do dishes. So that's understandable. His laundry however, is also still on the dining room table. He's not the tidiest, but then again, neither am I. I just end up taking care of more of it, more of the time. It's hit or miss when I ask him to do certain things, especially when it comes to his kids. Last night I asked him to make sure SS11 cleaned up after himself in the bathroom, which he did...but I also told his SS11 needed to take care of his clothes on the table, which he did not. He had SS11 rinse his plate after dinner (thinking I was pissed from my "I'm not doing it anymore" attitude) and SS11 rinsed it, and left it on the drying mat as though it were actually clean. (I don't know, that's just dirty to me) so I put that back in the sink to go in the dishwasher.
As a man I see much of myself
As a man I see much of myself in your post about your own DH. I have no problem cooking or grocery shopping. I have no problem keeping my stuff picked up from the common areas of the house. However, I hate doing laundry and dishes and since I use one of our spare bedrooms as my dressing room (DW gets the master closets and dressers) and I use one of the secondary baths as mine I figure keeping the doors closed on my clean but not neat spaces should suffice. Nope.
My solution is a housekeeper to come in once a week and I take my laundry to the cleaners. Logically that should keep me off of my bride's shit list but ...... nope, she still gets frustrated that I don't clean the kitchen or do my own laundry. I figure outsourcing should solve this problem but ... nope again.
I take spells where I am the kitchen cleaning Nazi but DW seems to not recognize those periods so I lose mitivation and default back to cooking, grocery shopping and dropping off and picking up my laundry from the cleaners.
My bride keeps the house picked up and organized and amazing to me cleans before the housekeeper comes. :?
I am not sure what that is about.
I used to take unused items
I used to take unused items left in inappropriate places and "hide" them behind the couch or other out of the way places. When he runs out of underwear the problem (and solution) will make itself known. When he asks just say "It must be around here somewhere". Let him go to school without underwear if necessary. Stuff in the car - just leave it there. Wet clothes in knapsack the same eventually it'll start to smell of mold then tell Daddy to take care of problem.
Dishes?
Dishes?
When SS used to procrastinate
When SS used to procrastinate on doing the dishes I would pile all of the dirty dishes on his bed. He got the hint.
That might work on the couch
That might work on the couch in the basement, or on top of his precious consoles DH has a hard time taking away. SS hasn't slept in his room in over a week! Maybe I'll just start throwing all his dishes and laundry down there. I was thinking that, or a giant plastic bin. He leaves a cup of soda out overnight, I'll just throw it in there, and if it makes a mess, he'll have to wash whatever clothes he needs.
Thank you so much for this!
Thank you so much for this! It sometimes is just so nice to hear that all of these struggles aren't in vain. DH is trying his best, and I told him I know 98% of his lack of consistency has to do with the fact that he suffers pain most of the time. But, unfortunately, the bottom line for me is that I cannot be the disciplinarian for his kids. It makes it so much worse when I am. It's better when I nurture the good relationship, and leave the disciplining to him. Even with SS8 today, DH was sitting right next to me, and I think he wanted to see how the conversation flowed, and SS8 really melted down because it was me doing it, not him. It just doesn't work, but DH did take over, and get him to fix what he did wrong. And everything was good again.