What comes first marriage or kids?
I am 10 years younger than my fiancé, he has 2 children (I have none and wish to have none). the oldest the daughter who is a living monster like her mother is not really in the picture...subject for another day. His son who is now 15, we used to be "friends" until his dad I got serious. I come from a COMPLETELY different family. My parents were high school/college sweethearts have been happily married for almost 40 years. I believe a marriage ALWAYS comes before anything INCLUDING kids. My parents were loving and gave me the world, paid for all of my schooling, lead me down the right path and were extremely supportive BUT they always put their marriage first. My take on this is that your kids all 100% of the time grow up and move on with their life, what do you have left?...YOUR SPOUSE. My fiancé (who has never been married just slept with the wrong woman...TWICE) has never came out and said he doesn't agree with this but leaves settle hints that his son comes before me. What is even more annoying his ex who has been "happily" married for over 10 years believes he should always put their kids before me and I have no say in ANYTING. On top of it she plays the games of "our son said she said this and did this and blah blah blah". I am not mean but I treat him like a 15 year old should...do your own damn laundry, pick up after yourself, don't leave your trash around my house (tad bit of a neat freak). Does anyone feel this way or am I wrong? All I keep thinking which is probably horrible is that I have 4 more years and hopefully never have to see this kid again in my life.
Please don't tell me your
Please don't tell me your husband is 29.
I suspect (not to be subtle
I suspect (not to be subtle [don't ask me why it has a 'b' in it I don't know]) he probably slept with her more than twice but that's for another day.
You certainly have every right to make the kid do what you've mentioned and its all right to be a neat freak. If my steps dropped clothing in the living room I hid it in a nearby closet or behind the couch. That soon stopped.
As for hubby you're going to have to understand that you're to be the second wife (I don't care if he didn't sign a piece of paper with her). As a second wife you'll always come secondary to his kids, he's made that clear. He's not going to change and you'll either accept that or don't marry him.
If this guy is worth putting up with his kid and Daddy's attitude for a few more years then stick around but be aware that children don't go away. They're there for life and these kids, both of them, will be impacting the rest of your life. You may be sitting in the living room crocheting, with your husband in his grave, mumbling to yourself about his kids. In a way you're married to them also.
For now you might want to sit down with the kid alone and explain to him that you know how difficult it is to have a new woman in the house. That you're not there to steal Daddy away from his children and even the steps his dad will take if you two marry to protect his children's inheritance. He's 15 so don't expect him to stop being a lazy teenager trying to push boundaries but it may allay the underlying simmering anger.
I'm glad to hear that you're one of the strong women who knows they don't want to be a mother and stands up to societal pressures to have kids. Having one with a guy who's children can yet wreck a marriage is a very bad idea.
Marriage comes first when the
Marriage comes first when the marriage actually came first in the family. Second marriages uhm not so much. There are too many dynamics at play, the age of the kids, how long they were there before you,the custody arrangement etc.....
Imho... it all depends. I
Imho... it all depends. I have kids with my dh, and for us we have to put us first, for our family. My kids dont give two craps that their dad was previously married. They hate bm and dont know or care about skids, nor do they have to. To our kids we have to keep our family strong by putting us first so they dont end up being skids themselves.
In my relationship with DH
In my relationship with DH there is a time for both SS and I to come first.
When he is gone our marriage is first or what he leads me to believe - I get three weeks with limited talk about SS. Even when he is home when it is not our week I know he doesn't talk about SS to much.
When we have SS ultimately his *needs come first...but I don't mind as a lot of times they go do things on their own and then we have a bit of a together time - SS goes to bed at a decent time for me to get time with DH every night, and even on weekend or if I say I want to go to bed early DH will shower with me - maybe not lay down but will at least try to shower, and will come check on me.
I don't know if I would say I know who comes first but my DH has a good balance.
As for picking up - SS6 attempts to put up his own laundry (frequently tricks DH into doing it before bedtime story but oh well I'm not the one doing it), picks up his room normally before he leaves (not so good this time but eh), and picks up the living room, puts his plate in the sink and is typically reminded by DH we aren't his maids....as I said before his *needs come first not his laziness or pure wants (though he is spoiled to a degree).
In my situation we come
In my situation we come first. DH was never married to BM and SD was only 18 months old when we got together.
The marriage comes first.
The marriage comes first. Period! The marriage is always the priority though minor children are the primary responsibility regardless of biology. At least that is how my bride and I have done it. This is also how may parents and my ILs have done it. Like your mom and dad, my mom and dad were early teen sweethearts who married young and have now been married for nearly 52 years. Mom was 17 and dad was 19 when they married. My ILs have been married for 38 years.
Interestingly my DW and I have a similar age difference to the one you and your DF have. I am 11.5 years older than my bride.
DW was never married to the Sperm Idiot. She and I met when SS was 15mos old and married a week before he turned 2yo. Like you, I have no Bio Spawn and that is how we are going to keep it.
SS is now 21 and a viable self supporting adult on his own and "doing his thing" as he likes to call it. He has been in the USAF for 3 years and is doing well. That has allowed his mom and me to adjust to empty nester status and shift our focus from kid rearing to enjoying our lives kid free. DW and I have always made the marriage our priority so this phase has just made it better.
Kids will grow up and launch to a life of their own. If they have been the priority above the marriage and the world of the parents has revolved completely around the kids (regardless of biology) then it is highly likely that the marriage will not survive the shift to empty nester status and that makes for two people having to start lives apart and who have wasted their relationship from the very beginning.
IMHO of course.
I think your situation and
I think your situation and mine are similar with one big difference I do have a BD14. I have always said marriage comes first then one day I realized if I and DH were not together my BD would come first and most likely it would carry on to the next relationship. She has been with me for 14 years and I will see that her needs are met before a new man's or mine are. On the flip side of that I most likely wouldn't get married knowing I feel this way.
Patsy, I can understand that
Patsy,
I can understand that you would put your daughters needs first. I think that is making the child the primary responsibility. However, providing for the needs of the child IMHO does not take priority over the marriage. The adult relationship is the core of the marriage and of a family. The kids are not a party to that relationship though they do benefit from it.
My dad once told me to never put him in a position of having to choose between his wife and me or my brothers and me. His marriage was clearly his priority, the family came next and the needs of any individual in the family came after that.
I think that kids who are raised with expectations of character and acceptable behavior do not put their parent(s) in the position of having to make a choice between the child and a marriage. There is little doubt that your own daughter would not put you in that position should you find yourself in new marriage.
My bride nor I would tolerate a kid jeopardizing our marriage regardless of the biology of the kid. Our son (my SS) knew that very clearly and never put his mom and I in the position of having to choose him over each other. Communication and building a life together tend to eliminate this type of problem. It is when spouses do not communicate and fail to make their marriage the priority that problems arrise.
IMHO of course.
Rags, The OP’s SS is 15 and
Rags,
The OP’s SS is 15 and these are years that need a lot of attention. Op didn’t go into detail as to how her DH is making her feel second fiddle or how long she has been married so I don’t have much to say about her experience. I do not think all situations are black and white therefore I do not feel marriage comes first in each case.
Lets say a father has had full custody of his children for 15 years and he has dated someone for a few month and they fell madly in love with each other. Then let’s say besides the normal teenage things this father has a good relationship with his son. They have always spent their weekends fishing on the father’s birthday. The new spouse doesn’t agree to this and she wants time with her husband that weekend. To me the dad should go with his son because he is 15 and there will not be many more of these to come before he is on his own. IF the kid were 2 well not so much, the stepmom can go with them or they can get a sitter and go on a romantic date.
If you are coming into a step parent role there is already a child and parent there who have bonded. The older the child the stronger their bond became with your spouse. A step parent has to work on a relationship with the child as well as their spouse all at the same time. It's hard; you don't have this problem in first marriages. The second one is so much more complicated. You don't just get married and POOF you are first in the eyes of your spouse.
I feel putting marriage first means your spouse is the one person you have to create the strongest bond with. It is important to work to make that bond stronger as the years go on.
Anyone looking to step into the step parent life should realize in order for their marriage to come first they must have patience with this new family, hence the name "step" parent. They are an alien invader or heroin; however you choose to see it, either way they are new to the dynamic of the family.
Patsy, "I feel putting
Patsy,
"I feel putting marriage first means your spouse is the one person you have to create the strongest bond with. It is important to work to make that bond stronger as the years go on." That is exactly what I mean by the marriage being the priority.
Often people who put their children ahead of their marriage tolerate things like a kid disrespecting a spouse. IMHO that can never be tolerated. Ever, for any reason.
As for fishing with the 15yo instead of spending the day with the spouse.... IMHO those situations fall under the kids being the primary responsibility. If dad has a new wife then the birthday fishing trip schedule must change. For it not to is unreasonable in my opinion. Sure, occasionally kids should have some 1:1 time with each of their parent but not in a way that isolates the spouse in a second or subsequent marriage. The birthday fishing trip can happen on a day close to the birthday.
Events that purposely exclude the spouse are not acceptable nor should they be expected or tolerated IMHO.
For years STalk has had many people who share that their adult skids invite dad or mom to events but do not include the Sparent in the invitation or even clearly state that the SParent in not welcome. A Sparent would never be excluded in those types of things and if the bio parent attends without their spouse my response would be to change the locks when the spouse leaves and never to let them back in.
The marriage comes before the kids. That does not mean the kids are abandoned, neglected, or abused. It means that the marriage/spouse is included in all decisions, consulted on anything impacting the family, and must be treated with respect by all children or Xs of those kids/Xs suffer severe consequences for their behavior, and any time a kid puts a parent in the position of having to choose between the spouse and the kid the kid looses.
I have to assume reasonableness on the part of the new spouse and would hope that the spouse would not do something like forbid their own new spouse from seeing, supporting, protecting, etc... their children.
Equity partnership in the marriage and parenting any children in the home is included in prioritizing the marriage.
In any give specific situation decisions have to be made. In those situations I have to say that I know it when I see it if the marriage is the priority and I know it when I see it when the marriage is not the priority and the Skids/kids are chosen over the spouse. There are countless times when spouses disagree on exactly how to deal with an issue. In a prioritized marriage the partners listen to each other and when a decision is made that one does not like the other recognizes that their partner does not agree and communicates what they are going to do and why the are going to do it. Partners do not have to always agree.
I am rambling but I hope I am getting the point across that I think we are in large part in agreement.
Sincerely,
I'm picking up what your
I'm picking up what your laying down. We mostly agree
even if we didn't I always welcome an intelligent debate!
I grew up like you. My
I grew up like you. My parents were high school sweethearts, married in their early 20s, had me in their late 20s and my brother a few years later. They always put their marriage first, but we knew we were very important too. They just didn't let us come between them and they always made time for each other. I am so glad I was raised that way, because I did not grow up to be an entitled little brat like a lot of these skids (and some bios too) are being raised to be.
I have had conversations with my mom about this too, as an adult, when I was having the marriage vs kids debates with DH and she will flat out tell me your marriage has to come first, and she tells me she always put her marriage first & that is why is lasted forever (my dad passed away 5 years ago, but they were together until the very end).
You are absolutely right. A parent's job is to raise the kids to be able to go out and succeed on their own. Once that happens, what does the parent have left? Their spouse. If you have neglected your marriage all those years, I'm afraid you aren't going to have much left when that time finally comes (and, inevitably, it will come).
Unfortunatly, my DH doesn't agree with me either and he has flat out told me his kid will always come first.
DH and I make our marriage
DH and I make our marriage come first. We've actually had this discussion and have vowed to always do this. I am pregnant with our first child together (He has SS11 and SD14) and I still want to abide by this. I've even asked him to remind me of this after our daughter is born, because it's easy to say my marriage comes first when I'm dealing with skids, but maybe not so easy when I'm dealing with my own child.