Chores, responsibilities when to give up...
After dinner ss9 clears/wipes down table. SS12 puts away clean dishes from the previous day. SS17 wipes down counters and stoves. 75 percent of the time it is not done correctly. No big deal ill get on whoever it is that did not do there chore correctly. Most of the time it is ss12 or ss17. A couple weeks ago I had a conversation with bm, apparently ss12 does not want to come over anymore because he feels like all I do is yell at him and nothing he does is right. We have the boys 50/50. I cried for two days over this. First off I do not yell, I tell him or whoever it was that did not do it correctly to come fix it and they know what is expected. That's it! Make them fix it. I don't freak out, scream, throw things which trust me sometimes I want to do. I just don't understand what is so freaking hard about it! If you don't want me to get on you about something why not do it correctly? And why am I the bad guy because I want them to do there chores correctly? When I was there age I had a lot more chores to do everyday! Anyway now EVERY time it is not done right I really want to freak out. Just out of pure frustration. Should I just give up? I told dh that him and bm not having the kids do any type of chores growing up is the reason why ss17 still cant wipe down a counter correctly, and he agreed with me. Ive tried just having dh check the chores he will do it for 2 days and then stop. Ugh should I just give up? Their laughable chores take me all of 10 minutes to do and would save me a lot of heartache. But I feel like giving up on this makes them win, I want them to have responsibility. I want them to help. Even if it is only a little bit.
My kids do chores, but they
My kids do chores, but they certainly don't do them perfectly... or without complaining to different degrees. I think training them to do the chores is really what it's all about in hopes that they develop the habits.
then I just repeat to them, "any job, big or small, do it right or not at all". They've all tried the "not at all" smart ass remark, but I tell them nope.
"any job, big or small, do it
"any job, big or small, do it right or not at all"
I'm filing this right behind "you get what you get, and you don't throw a fit".
"You're a SM. That makes you
"You're a SM. That makes you the automatic target for all things shitty"
^^^That sounds like an excellent title for a book!
It may be time to disengage.
It may be time to disengage. You want them to grow up and be responsible and self-sufficient. It seems like their parents don't find that as high a priority as you. You can't keep caring more than their parents. You are only going to continue being frustrated and getting your feelings hurt.
Your DH agrees that a 17 year old who can't clean a counter properly is ridiculous, which is a good thing. There's hope some changes can be made. When you were told that SS12 had been complaining about you, was DH supportive and in defense of you? Or did he feel sorry for his son and blame you?
Yes he was supportive of me
Yes he was supportive of me and did not take ss/bm side. He told me to keep doing what I have been doing. But now I am so hurt/upset I just don't even want to deal with it. Now I am scared that I am so frustrated that I am going to be evil and mean. I don't want to get to the point where I treat them the way they act like I do. If that make sense? Like if you want to treat me like an evil mean stepmom than I will be an evil mean stepmom. Childish, I know.
Okay, well it may not be time
Okay, well it may not be time to disengage just yet. You and DH as a team should continue doing exactly what you are doing, and there should be a consequence when the kids do not do the simple tasks you are asking them to perform. BM is teaching you SS that he can manipulate his way out of a consequence by playing on people's emotions. He doesn't need two households reinforcing this. I'm sorry this hurt you so bad, but try not to take everything these kids say and to to heart. I get that you don't want to become an evil SM, but you also have to protect yourself. With the support of DH, hopefully you will find that balance.
My first issue would be that
My first issue would be that SS12 thinks he can run to BM to get what he wants at DH's house...there is a problem to deal with (if not you DH needs to).
I agree with step off already, kids need to learn the habit of chores - HOWEVER, SS17 should be 100% accountable for doing them correctly. If DH isn't checking behind them & you aren't satisfied with the outcome then you could go to him and tell him it wasn't done correctly and let him go to the skids to make them redo.
They all do it. ss17 is the
They all do it. ss17 is the worst about it honestly. DH has tried to tell all of them mom does not need to be involved in what goes on in this house. He has told them the day you feel me or sm are abusing or mistreating you go to mom, other than that u need to talk to me. Its caused a few blow ups and fights. SS17 still does it. Ive washed my hands of it and now act/treat him as a spy for bm.
Except for them being boys,
Except for them being boys, you have my skids!! My SD's were TERRIBLE at actually doing chores correctly. (I cannot tell you how many times I discovered they had simply put pots and pans away with FOOD STILL CAKED ON THEM. Beyond gross.) And I also made them redo the chore if I discovered it before they left, and I would stand in the kitchen and watch them do it the second time.
As for carrying tales between houses, I don't know if yours ever complain about BM, but mine complained to her about us and ALSO to us about her. It came to a head when I got pregnant, actually. We told the girls one weekend, and on the way home we get a call from BM saying the girls were simply dissolved in tears, claiming I told them they were being "replaced". (They had told us they were thrilled.) So DH and I turned around, went back to BM's house, and had a Come To Jesus meeting. All the girls, BM, SF, DH and me. And we told BM *exactly* what the girls had been telling us (and she told us what she'd been hearing) and then we asked the girls to explain themselves.
You should have seen the looks on their faces when they realized how busted they were! And, to her credit, BM was beyond pissed that her girls had been playing her by 1) making things at our house sound worse than they were and 2) telling US things about HER! That meeting certainly helped straighten them out, at least while they were still teens. (The older 2 are "adults" now and loooooove to start drama when they can! So we hear more stories now that they're out on their own and don't have to worry about getting punished for them.)
Our BM isn't nuts though, so that meeting was possible. Any way you guys could have the same sort of thing, or is BM too high conflict?
I did something similar to my
I did something similar to my kids! There are no steps involved, but they were complaining to their dad about some things and I was like "where is he getting these crazy ideas?" Part of it was them saying things and him reading into them. He did it with his own daughter when we were married and I could see it plain as day. So one time after my daughter's soccer game (probably the only one he had come to) I plopped everyone down right there on an empty field and we had a family meeting. It stopped all the behavior. I cleared up the misunderstandings, the kids were honest about things they told him and led him to believe, and ever since, none of them have tried any crap. My ex still makes stupid jabs about me via text or kik (I read them all) but my kids know me and they know when he's being stupid. When parents and stepparents don't communicate with one another, kids get away with murder!
LOVE THIS! "Just like the
LOVE THIS! "Just like the real workforce"
I already have a chore chart & pay an allowance, but I do have a Bio & a Skid that half-ass their chores. This is great idea for motivating them to do better!
I tried to implement chores
I tried to implement chores with the support of DH but then I got called picky when it came to execution..
SS is only 6 so his chores include getting clothes to the laundry room, putting clothes up, cleaning off plate from meal and simple clean up.
I am the primary one to get him dressed so if the dresser gets to messy I will reorganize and tell him it's back to how it should be and I expect him to follow and he does good for a month or two or until he feels rushed because DH wants to go do something not realizing chores are being done and SS doesn't tell him he's doing his chores.
Clothes not in the laundry room do not get washed, along with toys left out can disappear for a while.
He also has a habit of getting food all on the trash can and not cleaning it up and I leave that for DH to notice and discipline on.
What is in the water at the
What is in the water at the moment? I had the exact same issue with ss11 last week. Ss does very little chores at BMs house and his behaviour had become appalling there. Bm rings dh and asks him to sort out ss. As a result school steps up the plate with ss, stops being a Disney dad, assigns chores and corrects/punishes bad behaviour. Anyway we receive a phone call from bm on a Monday evening saying that ss no longer wants to come to our house because he is terrified of dh and that "he doesn't come to our house to do chores".
Well as I predicted dh did not make ss do any chores last weekend and instead spent it licking his face (I.e spoiling him rotten with attention). Was I angry? You bet! I would even go so far as to say I was disgusted at dh and the power he has given ss to run between homes telling tales. It makes me dislike looking at ss face even more who I also think is lacking in the life skills department (he actually announced in a baby voice last week "dada I made a cup of tea last night" and was actually expecting a round of applause for this accomishment.
Anyways while I was angry and disgusted I decided not to bring it up to dh and to disengage as the others suggested. While I worry for ss as a teen it is not my problem. That being said I wonder will I be able to keep my mouth shut this weekend also!!!
I think this is just a kid
I think this is just a kid problem in general.
At my house, The kids/skid had chores. Each parent was responsible to make sure those chores got done correctly by their own bio kid.
Set up this precedent at your house. When skid does half a chore, just go tell DH that the chore needs to be finished. Then DH has the choice of doing it himself or getting skid to do it.