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Easter is ruined

Sadasusual's picture

I just need to vent. Easter is the one holiday my whole family gets together. This is also mine and my BF's first Easter together and he was going to meet all my family. This morning he had to cancel our plans because he promised his 5 yr old son he would go to his baseball game 2 hours away. So that means I will be going to Easter alone while he sits in the bleachers with his ex wife, takes his son out to lunch and then goes to BM's home to drop him off. I'm so disappointed, but I don't want to make him feel bad. It just makes me so sad. I'm tired of constantly being disappointed in circumstances like this, but I love my BF too much to just break up with him.

stepford mom's picture

Why can't he go to the game and leave right after it and join you for Easter? Can't he take his son out to lunch another time? If the ex-wife is at the game too, can't she bring him home?

Sadasusual's picture

The baseball game is in BM's home town which is 2 hours away. My family's Easter is a ferry ride away in the opposite direction. So it's either Easter with my fam, or the baseball game. It can't be both, and he figured if he's driving all that way to see his boy play, he might as well spend some time.

frustratedstepdad's picture

How many times a year does his son have a baseball game?

How many times a year is Easter?

There's your answer right there....his son will have plenty of other baseball games.

Sadasusual's picture

He's brand new to T-ball, and I think this is his first and only Saturday game. Which happens to be the only one BF will be able to make it to.

bearcub25's picture

Easter is on Sunday though.

I would bet all his games are on Saturdays or Sundays.

But, on another note....sons playing sports are a HUGE deal for the Dad.

Sadasusual's picture

Yeah, the game and my families Easter are both taking place on Saturday

Bottle Raised's picture

Agreed. When I first started dating my how husband, I was jealous of the time he would spend with his daughter and not me. When I talked to him about it... he got mad. And when I explained further that if we were going to make it work, we all needed to understand there were 5 time demands on each of us:

1. All together blended family time
2. Him and me time (couple time out of bed... like actual dates!)
3. Him and his daughter's time
4. Me and her (SD)time
5. Alone time

I could live with his and my time every other weekend, and then one weekend a month he had daddy/daughter dates planned, and the other weekend we had her was blended family time.

Decide now if this is something you want to do from now on. 'Cause even when kid is grown, there BM family will be a presence at weddings, funerals, and all other family gatherings that the kid is apart of. It is a huge (hidden) commitment to the wedding vows. Trust me.

Holidays are a pain in the rear, no doubt. Try to keep in mind though that a holiday is only a date on the calendar. If it works better for everyone to get together on some odd ball day to celebrate, what would it hurt? Just a thought.

tessa12's picture

Also, five year olds don't play baseball. They ball t-ball, poorly, if that. This child isn't in the little league world series. And I can imagine there will tons of children who miss the game for Easter. He should make a priority to spend at least part of the day with you.

bearcub25's picture

How many times will he go to his son's game and sit next to BM and then go out to lunch...that may or may not include BM.

I have missed some games in my kids lifetimes (always a good reason or work) and they weren't crushed by the weight of the world by it.

stepford mom's picture

And the kid is FIVE...they are a zillion T-ball games scheduled I'm sure. I think you should not let BF do this if spending Easter with your family is really important to you. If he doesn't think so, then he really won't improve as time goes on.

VKCTN's picture

"You need to be good with someone else's needs ALWAYS coming first for your BF."

This statement always makes me cringe. Why do we bow to this expectation? Before I married my husband, who came with an 8yo son whom he had nearly 50/50 custody, we had a very frank discussion. We agreed that the MOST IMPORTANT relationship in our household would be the SPOUSAL relationship. If we were not a strong couple who could provide a loving, secure, and stable home environment for my SS, then we would not be doing anyone any favors by getting married. That meant that DH needed to think of his wife first, and I him. I asked him to trust me I would do all I could to make SS feel welcome in our home and that I would always support his efforts at maintaining a close relationship with his son and want to do what was best for SS. I let DH know that I would not become an outsider in my own home. I would not be treated as though my feelings and desires did not matter in any decisions regarding visitation changes, events, activities, etc. I knew that in such a life, my resentment would eventually destroy our marriage. Perhaps I found a uniquely good DH, but he agreed and has lived up to it every day since we got married. We consult with each other on anything that affects OUR home and OUR life together. Most of the time, it's no big deal. I adore my SS and we have a great relationship. But that great relationship is because my DH has not ever made me feel like I come second to a child. If we had a child together, it would be no different. My husband comes first. Child second. I may be "just the stepmom", but my DH and I parent my SS as a team 99% of the time. The other 1%, I let DH make the call and I support his decisions. I don't mean to make it all sound perfect. We still have our moments of disagreeing on parenting decisions, but what parents don't?

Sorry to vent, but this attitude really does bother me. Why do we feel we have to just accept such a secondary existence is our own homes?

Sadasusual's picture

My family already switched it to Saturday so that BF and his son could come. I don't want to ask them to switch it again.

twopines's picture

Ouch. If I was the one hosting the dinner, I'd be a wee bit peeved he's not coming. I hope your family is understanding.

tessa12's picture

Ok, no, this isn't fair. You're catering to him way too much. Your family changed Easter to a Saturday, and he's canceled on you! No way!

Sadasusual's picture

Thank you, that's how I feel too! But I do understand, he doesn't want to break a promise to his son. I don't blame him, it's just hard.

Sadasusual's picture

I think he feels bad because he knows things like this really bring me down. He's bad with planning and remembering dates, especially when it comes to BM and his son, and he's been promising to make it to this game for a couple weeks now. I honestly just think he spaced when the date was, which he does a lot. It's just one of those things where nobody did anything wrong, it just sucks.

Merry's picture

No, don't do this! Somebody DID do something wrong, and don't try to make it ok. Believe me, I know what I'm talking about as my DH can't work a calendar. I got sick of making it ok and allowing him to back out of promises he made to me. Once I held him accountable and he had to make some pretty embarrassing apologies to uphold a commitment he made with me, he has miraculously improved his calendar skills! They are not perfect, but he understands his commitment to me is a commitment to the most important person in his life.

Sounds like your boyfriend made plans to have Easter with you and your family. But he couldn't make it on Sunday, so they switched it to Saturday so he could join you. Then, oh, duh, junior has a ballgame. Oh, so sorry Sadasusual and family, I am now blowing you off, never mind the plans you made to accommodate me.

This should not be ok with you.

Delilah's picture

I understand that sports games can be incredibly important to some dads/families, however I would be angry that he felt it was okay to make plans with you and accept an invitation from your family for dinner during a holiday to then suddenly cancel on you, your family. Does he not understand that while he may be assessing how you get on with HIS family and child, the same can be said for him with your family? That is if he can be bothered to even meet them and think its good manners to cancel after accepting an invite.

Must say my own family would NOT be impressed and we are a large extended family with lots of kids.

Your bf is being rude, inconsiderate towards you, your family and while prioritisation in family changes dependant upon who is in need, I was always taught you cannot dump on someone when you get effectively a better invite.

You are currently test driving your bf, for his suitability for YOUR life partner, the father to your children and he either passes these life tests or he shunts you aside which you accept because he has a child. Thing is, do not allow you to come last, your happiness relegated to the top shelf while everyone else had a blast. Heard of being too amenable, too easy going, too accepting? Well, unless you stand up and demand to be counted then no other bugger will do it for you.

BethAnne's picture

Depending on how long you've been together I think that him prioritizing his son over your family I feel is reasonable. Until I was married I always prioritized time with my family over that of my other half's family. Not saying that I never met their families but that I would always spend the big holidays with my family. One ex and I dated for 5 years before breaking up and I spent every Christmas, Easter etc with my family and him with his, same for my husband before we married. I'm glad that I did, those times with our families are precious, I saw my then boyfriend a lot more than I saw them. Now that I am married I will spend time with my husband and his family on some holidays and have. It doesn't mean that I wasn't sad to spend my first Christmas away from my family, but for me that is one of those things that changes once you get married is to spend holidays together. Before marriage I felt no obligation or desire to do so.

If the clash is on the saturday then I would see if you could arrange for a few of your family that will still be around to have a second gathering on the sunday and get your boyfriend to drive/sail up after the game/lunch spend saturday night with you and then meet a few of the family on sunday. Yes it won't be everyone but at least he will meet some people. It will also be easier on him to meet a few people than a whole crowd and he gets to spend time with his son.

I know you are upset at the change of plans but there will be other opportunities in the future for your boyfriend to meet your family, try not to focus on it.

BethAnne's picture

Sorry, I missed the bit where your family switched the day of their gathering especially for your boyfriend. Screw him. He is rude and unappreciative, he has no respect for you or your family. Lay the law down and make sure he feels bad....really bad about it. He should probably also write a letter/email declining the invitation personally to whoever is hosting the Easter party if he wants to try to have a good relationship with your family in the future. He is making you look bad to your family, make sure they know it is his fault and nothing to do with you.

Sadasusual's picture

Thank you all for the feedback! I guess I made BF out to sound like a horrible person, when in reality this is not the case. Easter was scheduled for Saturday not only for us, but it worked better for other family members too, and my family is small. I'm talking like 6 or 7 of us so it's not the end of the world. It's just disappointing, this is my first time dating someone with a kid, I am recently divorced and my husband and I certainly didn't have these issues. I also find myself very jealous of BM and the child, so I let that get the best of me I suppose. Ugh! What a roller coaster this has been.

Merry's picture

Spend some time reading posts here. You'll see that it is common for SOs to put their children and exes first. All the time. And it is not ok.

Just please continue in this relationship with your eyes open to see where you really do fit in. If your plans are always secondary to whatever his kid and his exwife want, it will only get worse over time. That's what we're all reacting to. Yours is a familiar story, and you would be wise to listen to the veterans here.

bearcub25's picture

I get both sides. Its his kid first sports game and yes, the kid would be crushed but the BM would prolly make it out to be 'see Daddy has a new family and doesn't love you anymore.'

It isn't that you are making him out to be a bad person...it is how it started with all of us. We the women make the compromise bc they can't let little Jr or Jr-ette down. After awhile, they don't even try to hide the fact that you come last or whatever plans you have made.

Propose this to him....since he is missing out on this get together, make a weekend trip to see your family so they can meet him. Don't be surprised if he can't do it until the Tball season is over though.

Sadasusual's picture

That's exactly what BM would do too, you are right. Thanks for the advice, I think we will have to do just that.

bearcub25's picture

Make sure you pin him down to an exact date, don't keep reminding him but write it on a calendar that is where he will see it often. If another excuse comes up, then you know how your future will go.

Orange County Ca's picture

Your biography doesn't give your age or children if any but I'm assuming your 20's and no children.

Prepare for a life of disappointment and possibly turning to hell which is not too great a stretch. Just read around the blogs. And don't forget bio-mothers die like everyone else and some even just get fed up and walk away never to be seen again. Guess who becomes full time Mommy to a crushed child who absolutely does not was a new Mommy and could likely blame you for her disappearance. Remember children don't think like adults. Logic is a unknown concept to them at times. Adult logic that is.

If you insist in staying in this relationship don't have kids, don't even dream it will make things better. It will make the situation worse.

Listen I know you're in love but there are a million loveable guys out there. Get out of this and find one of them, childless of course, and make your own family in due time.

Calypso1977's picture

i am appalled that there would be a sporting event on Easter.

if that were my child, i woudl tell him that he cannot go to the game because Easter is a holiday (the most important holiday for Christians)and that it shoudl be spent with family and church. Of course, not sure if that situation applies to you as i dont know your faith and beliefs. Just saying what id do personally.

for your specific situation, that is not right at all for your BF to cancel. but again, shame on the school/sports program for even putting this event on teh calendar for that day (FWIW, im also against thanksgiving day sporting events and that's not even a religious holiday).

bearcub25's picture

Didn't even think of games on Easter weekend. If the kid was older in sports, then they will play anytime they can, but 5 & 6yos on a Holiday Weekend. That is unusual.

Sadasusual's picture

BM has been reminding him for weeks about this one and only Saturday game. I have just stayed out of it, but he didn't put two and two together that it was the Saturday before Easter until yesterday when she reminded him again. I trust him and I don't think he would lie to me about it.

Calypso1977's picture

now im confused. the game is Saturday? so then how does that affect the family dinner on Easter Sunday?

Sadasusual's picture

Sorry, I replied above there somewhere^^. My family is doing Easter on Saturday. Originally, it was the only day BF and his son could attend. Before he knew the game was that day. I can't ask them to change it to Sunday because they've already planned around Saturday now.

lintini's picture

Oh boy.....ahhh the sports games. I am very angry about ss12 being on THREE different sports teams. So let me tell you, it's only going to get worse.

My fiance though, does not sit with the xwife in the bleachers......that's awkward. And why on earth did that league make a game on a holiday weekend??

I think that is pretty rude though...there will be MILLIONS of more games, he hasn't ever met your family??? Not to mention they changed the date for him.

He probably doesn't want to catch heat from his xwife to miss the ALL EVER IMPORTANT LIFE CHANGING EVENT: THE TBALL FIRST GAME ...and plus dad's get really weird over sports....it's kinda gross. I would rather watch my fish swim around in their tank.

Well, good luck and maybe put the pressure on and say how he's acting is wrong and this is really important to you. And have a good time with your family.