SD picking friends over her dad
THis is really driving me nuts.
SD13 repeatedly makes plans/asks to do things with friends on the days she is supposed to be with her father. My idiot fiance repeatedly gives in to her wants and demands and lets her blow off visits rather than spend time with him. For awhile she was flat out refusing visitation, she's finally let that go, but now she's asking to blow off her time with him.
I just dont think this is right for several reasons. 1, i think its important that this child spend time with her father (even tho i LOVE IT when she isnt around). 2, i think its important for her to learn responsibility - visitation is her responsibility, and in life there are often things does not want to do but that's life and 3, i dont like this attitude of "ill go on visitation unless i get a better offer".
I know at 13 friends are important, but FAMILIY is more important than friends. And its not like fiance has her an excessive amoutn of time. All that's being asked of her is 2 weekday afternoons adn every other weekend and 95% of the time the EOW turns out to be just Saturday because she refuses to sleep over and then when she goes back to BM's she's rewarded with a sleep over so she's useless on Sunday and fiance let's her weasle out of her sunday visit.
being disengaged im more than happy to not have her around but i dont get why fiance continues to allow SD to be in charge and call the shots.
the latest is that she wants to go to the school play tonight with her friends. the play is running for 5 days, numerous show times. SD picks the 1 day of the 5 where she is supposed to be with her dad to make these arrangements with her friends. its BS! and its even bigger BS that fiance agrees to it!!
I love him with all my heart, but he is such a bad parent..... im glad i'm too old and have no desire to have a child of my own.
How is visitation her
How is visitation her responsibilty?
She's a teen. They start to
She's a teen. They start to do more things with their friends at this age.
Count your blessings that she has some kind of life of her own and doesn't spend her every waking minute dreaming of new ways to make your life hell.
Teens break away. It is normal and natural and probably has nothing to do with stepdom divorce and all of it.
It's hard to let go sometimes though.
i guess i view it as her
i guess i view it as her responsibility in that there is a set scheduled time she is supposed to be with us. she shoudlnt be trying to weasle out of it. its a time commitment like school is, or like a doctor appointment is, etc. when making her plans with friends she should say "i have a commitment on those two afternoons, so we'll have to make plans another day". its about teaching her to manage commitments and her time, and more importantly that the world doesnt revolve around her and that in life there are sacrifices.
but again, i agree that her PARENTS should be teaching her this stuff and again the problem is that they have allowed her to run the home and her life from day one, always yielding to what she wants to do.
you and I are the same
you and I are the same person.
Want to know what's in your future?
She will come around, bc DH becomes so lax. Then DH and SD will start to make plans and screw with your schedule. (on Thursday you'll find out she's coming Saturday... then Saturday, BM takes her somewhere and SD will text DH, "Daddddddyyyyyyyyy, come get me later, I'm with Mommmmmmyyyyyyy." and he will.
We used to be EOWE, the BM, DH, inlaws everybody, said, "SDthen13 can choose when she visits."
She's a KID! There should be no choice, and she should be taught about commitments.
I'm now held hostage, to some degree, by her whims. If we have plans, then DH will tell her no, but you know how sometimes "no plan is the plan'?
My quiet Sunday with wine and kindle, goes out the window to go to the inlaws and listen to all the damn kids shriek.
yes, SD is definitely PAS...
yes, SD is definitely PAS... and while he will never admit it, my fiance i dont think cares to parent her all that much and is often relieved when she cancels. its just sad...
of course. we even offered
of course. we even offered to let her have a friend sleep over because she refuses to sleep over at our house. thougth the friend might make it easier/more desirable for her.
we never withhold friends from her but for some reason she does not like to bring her friends around. our house is nice, clean, she has a room to herself, there is a pool, etc. its not like we live in a dump.
we offered this too. it's
we offered this too.
it's almost like she doesn't want her friends to see how we live. Her friends (dropped off by parents) have come over and stared bug eyed when they walked in. (we make a nice living)BM has a chip on her shoulder and is proud of her no job status. meh- **shrugs**
She has a damn ensuite bath in our house.
That said- great for me- I don't like them here. A bunch of 14yr olds in the house sucks.
i wonder if that's it, OCS.
i wonder if that's it, OCS. awhile back when she was in one of her pissy moods she told fiance that she "hates our house" that her house is "much better, nicer, etc." and that her friends dont want to be around fiance because he is "mean" and "verbally abusive". this was during hte custody battle.
yes, she called BM's "her house". she always calls BM's "home" and ours "dads". that's not as big a deal i guess becuase BM's is the house she grew up in, but it does sting fiance a little bit and i told her once taht our house is her home too. she looked at me like she did not comprehend. (she's a bit of a ditz).
once again its our weekend and we still dont know if we will ahve her the entire weekend or just tomorrow. i told fiance to pick her up tomorrow morning and simply not return her until 6pm sunday which is his legal right but because he's afraid of his daughter he will cave to her demands. he *thinks* she is going to finally sleep over this weekend but my money is on her bailing with some excuse. its usually "i dont feel well" then when we look at her twitter or instagram we find out that she's out with friends or doing something with BM or having her BFF sleep over. fiance blocks out the fact that his kid lies.
SD has quite the racket going - she has learned perfectly how to get everything she wants and both her parents have made its ridiculously easy for her to do so. BM is afraid of her too, as a few weeks ago SD finally pulled the trump card when she stated she was "suicidal". she knew that would give her everyone's fawning and attention and that any last remaining demands that had not been met would be fully catered to. And they were.
Wow- verbatim what SD has
Wow- verbatim what SD has said to DH in the past.
She has also internalized BM issues as her own. (an eg: we went on a vacation last year, and it fell on a holiday weekend. DH made arrangements for SD as he was missing one visitation day. BM was fine until about 3-4 days prior to us leaving. All of a sudden SD called DH crying, upset and angry that he was leaving with me when it should be family time.) Lets be VERY clear here. DH has EOWE, but SD had not come over in 4 months! All of a sudden, we are out of the country and you freak bc you can't come over? She had been allowed to bail constantly.
I totally get it, and with us it goes a step further. You see, BM has a BFF. This BFF is also the mother of SD's BFF.
SO! SD is visiting her dad, BM texts and tells her how much they miss her because they are all together having fun, and too bad you are at daddddyyyyyyy's.
I could care less if I never laid eyes on this kid again. BUT- she makes DH sad and this is where i have a problem.
omg! SD's best friend's mom
omg! SD's best friend's mom is BM's best friend too!!!!!!!!!!! actually, its BM's only friend. are you and i the same person? lol
Too many kids of divorce act
Too many kids of divorce act exactly this way to not consider it normal behavior.
Daddy can fight it and have a angry 20 something for a daughter. He may not see her or his grandchildren. Or he can compromise.
My advise to him would be that he suggest to her that they see each other every Sunday fairly late and go out to dinner. Say six PM so any Sunday activity she might be involved in is over. You might go along once a month as its their time to catch up.
If the BM says no I'd ask the court for a order reflecting it.
im disengaged, so i dont
im disengaged, so i dont participate in ANY visits except those where we are going as a "family" to see fiance's parents, etc.
This is a good opportunity
This is a good opportunity for you to practice disengagement! ! Im sorry to say this but even tho your beliefs are right, you may be acting as alot of us has when we thought we may be able to be the difference in this child's life!UUnfortunately with all the energy of our common sense approach for what THEIR kids lacked and how we could help and be the difference in their lives?? Etc..Etc..
just thinking of all the energy and time I used of myself trying to get others to see what was wrong with their spoiled, angry and entitled children!
Believe me, unless you move in with the Bio Mother and tie her up put duct tape on her mouth and chain her to a wall, your wasting your precious time on what seems to be the haunting of your life!!
Instead of using wasted energy on explaining what is right to both the BM and the DH...Save the energy for you or your own kids!!!
Im sorry to say that whatever you do wont make a difference! !
But spending the energy on you and your future will!!!
Once she starts dictating, he
Once she starts dictating, he eventually will have no relationship at all. My DH sees SD18 every few months. All because DH and BM let her dictate it. Now she is 18 and it is too late.
we are 10 minutes away from
we are 10 minutes away from BM, and SD's best friend is actually walking distance from our house.
i think it is age appropriate
i think it is age appropriate for a teen to want her peer group than her fathers company.
i understand the father wants time with his child, but he needs to let her grow up, too.
it is really sick for a child of any age to spend too much time with a parent, esp one of the opposite sex. this is where we see the mini syndrome. this can end up very unhealthy.
the child is growing up and away from the parent, and the parent need to respect that and no want to company of child for selfish reasons.
the child should, in turn, spend a little time with the parent, and the custodial parent should encourage this.