Meeting StepSon and BM for the first time... what should I expect?
Forums:
I've been married to my husband for three months now and his son is 4 months old. They live in a different state and BM has been awful. She wouldn't let him see the kid until they went through the court stuff to give him the worst visitation available.
We're flying out to see the kid next month and I'm worried about what will happen. Worried about meeting BM and worried how I'm going to feel after seeing my husband with his ex and THEIR child together .... It's going to kill me!
Can anyone give me any advice or help in this bloody awful situation?
I like this suggestion!!!
I like this suggestion!!!
She doesn't want him alone
She doesn't want him alone with the child because she think he's going to kidnap him .... pathetic I know and if you knew my husband he is the most down to earth laid back person you'll ever meet all he wants to do is meet his kid but she's put down that he has to have supervised visitations until the child starts school.
Wow, why would you want to go
Wow, why would you want to go to this? The kid is 4 months old he wont' remember if you were there or not. & at that age with a BM acting like that he probably won't ever have a good relationship with either of you.
If I could go back in time I would have never met BM.
I've been married to my
I've been married to my husband for three months now and his son is 4 months old
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
:jawdrop:
I caught that too... Lord
I caught that too... Lord bless.
But everybodies situation is different
Agreed
Agreed
Yeah guys I met him last
Yeah guys I met him last summer that's when we started dating him and his ex had split up end of march the same week she got pregnant! Tough situation but yeah it's complicated.
No judgement, I feel like my
No judgement, I feel like my own story could be a lifetime movie or be featured on the Maury show. Stick with this site, it keeps you sane.
Unfortunately this is NOT an
Unfortunately this is NOT an April fools!
people judge us because we've moved fast but it's complicated situation. I'm from England and we met last August, It took two days for us to be head over heels with each other. I came back to the states to visit him for the holidays and on Christmas day he proposed and asked me to marry him ad stay here with him. Not only have I just got married, become a step mum to a 4 month old child with a crazy BM I've also moved 5000 miles away from home. But I can honestly say my husband is worth this and more, I'd go through absolute hell and back to be with him.
We're a very strong couple and he wants me there to meet his child, I know he won't know who we are and his ex might be slightly crazy .... but he wants me there.
Why are you meeting the EX
Why are you meeting the EX wife?
Is it because you want to? If so, do yourself a favor and stay in the hotel. You will never be able to erase the memory of the "family" from your mind and it will haunt you. Sometimes it even haunts me the way my DH and his Ex communicate with each other.
If your DH wants you to meet her? See above....
If the Ex wants to meet you? See above, run for your life and see LadyFace's suggestion...
It's his ex girlfriend and
It's his ex girlfriend and they broke up before they knew she was pregnant so I won't have to think about the hole... they were once a family bla bla thank god.
I want to meet her because I've got to put up with the b**ch for the next 18 years unfortunately. Also my husband wants me to meet his little boy.
3 months married and she has
3 months married and she has a 4 month old? hmmm??? Timing is too close...just saying...Yeah she probably is mad as hell! I would wait in hotel and he bring baby there. Okay, if you trust her not to try anything with him....after all it was 13 months when the baby was conceived ? right? I think I would go with him under these circumstances.
I would go stay in the car
I would go stay in the car and let DH pick up baby. It would be best if DH doesn't start going in the house at child exchanges!
Dang, if it's going to kill
Dang, if it's going to kill you, don't go. Simple.
Nothing positive ever comes
Nothing positive ever comes from meeting the bio mom. Just stay at hotel. If you are not secure enough to leave DH alone with his ex then you should tell him and get his honest feelings about her. If you like being tortured or feeling awkward you can go but it would just cause problems and make you uncomfortable. I've been with my DH since ss was 16months old and I wish I never met her.
I have a feeling your
I have a feeling your presence might make things worse. I could be wrong, but I can't see any good coming from you being there. I understand DH may want you there for moral support, but really, I think it'll just muddle the dynamic even further than it already is.
If you have to go, I'd follow other people's advice here and just take a long soak and hit the mini bar in the hotel room. I'd stay the hell away. As other have also said, it's not like the baby's going to remember one way or the other, so why put yourself through that crap?
This! ^^^
This! ^^^
I think I need to add some
I think I need to add some more information here.
They split up before they knew she was pregnant, they were never married, dated for over a year and she tried to trap him by coming off birth control and having anger sex with him days before they split.
He doesn't like her, she's crazy he doesn't want to speak to her but he has to because of the kid, the kids 4 months old not 4 years and she wouldn't allow him to see him until they got a court order through for visitation.
My husband wants me to be there as much as I want to be there, I don't want him alone with his crazy ex who tried to trap him with a kid so she clearly still wanted to be with him and he's worried she'll try something too if I'm not there. My husband has no feelings for her at all so I don't have to worry about that we've already spoken about this.
He has supervised visitation because she thinks he's going to kidnap the kid so she has to be there unfortunately.
Your husband made this bed
Your husband made this bed for himself & now he needs to lay in it. Don't let him drag you into unnecessary drama. If you trust your husband, there's nothing she could 'try' with you not being there. He will shut her down. So there's no need for you to be there for his 'protection' or moral support.
I wasn't asking advice on
I wasn't asking advice on whether to go or not. I'm going regardless .... The post was here to ask what should I expect when I do meet them.
Yeah it's going to kill me seeing them together but at the end of the day I want to meet my step kid he's going to be in my life for the rest of my life whether I want him to or not.
What to expect? BM will treat
What to expect?
BM will treat you like crap.
She may make it known that she thinks dad marrying so quickly speaks to his poor judgment.
She may not allow you touch the baby.
She will do everything in her power to make you feel small useless and irrelevant.
Or
She may pretend you're part of the scenery and just ignore you.
OR
She may be kind, chat with you and encourage you to interact with the baby.
I'm sorry - I can't tell you
I'm sorry - I can't tell you what to expect but I can tell you why I met BM & what happened.
I went with DH to a drop off because I had been watching SD on some of my days off & I thought it would be best if I let her meet me. My mom, when I was a child, always liked to 'lay eyes on' somebody if I would be going to their house. & I thought it was the right thing to do. BM had complained to DH about him having me around, & I figured if she were sane meeting her should help.
If I hadn't been keeping SD alone, without DH there - I wouldnt' have volunteered or pushed to meet BM.
The first time I was going to go, she told DH she "wasn't ready to meet me" & blah blah blah. I actually ended up too sick to take the drive that day so I didn't go. The next time, however, I did go. BM sent a text on the way like "are you still seriously bringing her? I told you I am NOT ready to meet her. I will meet her when I feel like it NOT on yals time." I showed up, she didn't speak. She acted like I didn't exist. It was so pathetic that I actually laughed. SD hugged me bye & DH & we were on our way. Not a word. Her aunt was with her, who spoke to both me & DH. You could tell she was embarrassed by BM's behavior. When we got in the car & drove off, BM sent a text about how he needed to tell me to "wipe that stupid smile off my face" because "don't nobody want you back" blah blah blah. It was so ignorant. She also told DH that I had fake hair (my hair wasn't even extremely long, it's just normal hair so idk what the deal with that was).
Several things wrong here. First of all, meeting me wasn't for HER, it was for SD. So that BM could feel comfortable that SD was taken care of & so that she could contact SD for nighttime calls if DH was still at work. But the way BM reacted, it was OBVIOUSLY all about her & when she was 'ready'. What's there to be ready for? I'm already spending time with your child.
When DH & I got engaged she all of a sudden wanted my phone # because THEN it was important that SD was with me alone. Apparently before it didn't matter. I didn't care, let her have it - she got on my nerves after a couple of months & I had to block her from calling & texting. I haven't seen her in over a year & it's the best for my relationship with DH & with SD.
It's hard to love a kid when it seems like they bring (through their BM) all this drama into your world. & it made me wake up one day & realize - keeping open communication isn't helping out my SD. It isn't helping out me. It isn't helping out DH. It is just STRESSING me the F out. So why am I doing it? The ONLY person who was getting ANYTHING out of it was BM. So I quit.
That's why I suggest not going. Not because BM will be a biotch about it. Not because she may harrass and disrespect you. But because you will start to relate, subconsciously, seeing your stepchild with the drama she causes. It will make you resent that child & your DH both. & it is NOT worth it.
BM in my case, was never married to DH. They were just banging in college. Everyone believes she got pregnant on purpose. & after having SD she got pregnant again a year later by DH's (now ex) best friend (SD's godfather). It's NOT just ex wives that are crazy.
Unless mom raped him, he
Unless mom raped him, he wasn't trapped. He made the choice to have sex with the woman after he broke up with her. Had he kept it in his pants instead of sticking it into a woman he now claims is crazy, he wouldn't be in this mess.
BM can't be all that crazy. She has enough sense not to hand her infant over to you and your husband.
I don't buy that the
I don't buy that the situation is a clear-cut as the OP claims.
BM is worried DH is going to 'kidnap' kid, and somehow SHE gets to supervise visits? Why not an impartial supervisor? Usually there is just a fee to that. So my interpretation is that BM and DH want contact with each other.
Did BM or DH move? Or was this always a long-distance relationship?
Nobody, except in the case of a condom breaking and the woman/girl choosing to keep a resulting pregnancy, gets "trapped" anymore. Women have (finally!) got legal and medical control over their bodies and choice about whether to get or keep a pregnancy. Men know how babies are made and choose whom they have sex with and whether they use condoms or not.
He may FEEL trapped, but unless he was unconscious and she was wearing her Ronald Reagan mask, he knew who he was doing.
^this!!^ Though, sadly, you
^this!!^
Though, sadly, you don't believe us. So you will take the difficult road instead. Best of luck!