new step mother to be with problems!
Hello!
I am looking for advice regarding how to best emotionally handle my fiancés 9 year old daughter. Lately, I have been feeling as if the child is being unappreciative and manipulative. It is difficult for me to deal with this because I have gone out of my way since day one take care of her both physically and emotionally. Her current problem seems to be that I am controlling everything. For example, she was telling her father that she is unable to paint her room the color that she wants because of me. I have never, not once, said that she could not choose a paint color. I personally, think that it is ridiculous for an almost 8 year old to be putting her foot down regarding the decoration of her room, especially because she has her own room at her mother's house and her grandparents. We live in a two bedroom condo. It is very small. My step daughter comes over once a week and rarely stays overnight. She is allowed to stay if she wants. She made a similar comment last week. She asked her father why he no longer did what he wanted to do and only what I wanted. My fiancés previous girlfriend did not spend much time with my fiancés daughter. The spoiled behavior apparently upset her. So the child has never seen her father in an adult relationship. She was very young when her parents got divorced. I know that her mother feeds her information and is very bitter regarding my fiancé. She seems to be an angry woman in general. (My fiancé does deserve her wrath at times, however.) My fiancé talked to his daughter about the above issues and told her that I go out of my way to help her, side with her in fights with her father etc. I am still upset, however, I feel like since I live here and contribute to the household, that I should have a say in the bedroom issue. I understand that she needs a place to stay here, but i think that the room should be multi purpose since she is here overnight so rarely. I am also thinking about the future, and i fear that i will have to accommodate her mother than i accommodate our future children. I am not sure if it is wrong or not, but when I have a baby I would like to decorate the room how I want it etc. I would never kick her out of the room entirely, but why should I be limited when the child has two other rooms of her own? My fiancé is upset with me because he feels like he is defending me and doesn't understand why I am so upset. I want him to put his foot down with her and tell her that I am an adult and I have a right to run my home how I see fit. I think that it is ridiculous that I have to compete with a 9 year old. I feel as if no matter which way I turn I am going to be blamed by my step daughter for control…and that my fiancé will then get mad at me because I am upset. What should I do? What should I tell my fiancé?
Thank you!!!
Kelly
well maybe she could pick out
well maybe she could pick out a bedspread instead, my stepdaughter didn't get to paint her room either mostly because her old room at DH's was hot pink and lime green, sorry but those colors aren't happening in my home plus she was almost at the end of her sophomore year in high school so I wasn't going to spend the money & time to paint horrendous colors only to have to spend money to repaint after she graduates. She had to settle for a lime green comforter and lime green, purple, hot pink and bright blue curtains. Not sure if she's completely happy but,oh well, life isn't always glitter and rainbows.
Thanks! That is what I was
Thanks! That is what I was thinking. I want to paint the room neutral. We are planning on having kids right after we get married. And I really don't want the color that the room is painted dictated by a kid. My fiancé feels bad for her because her parents are split up. I don't have too much sympathy because I had no relationship with my father at all. I think she has it pretty good. She is spoiled by my fiancés family, her mothers family, and my family.
As usual the problem isn't so
As usual the problem isn't so much the child but a non-functioning father. Are you really considering having this non-parent father your children? Are you ready to take on the duties of both parents? I think you should follow your predecessors example and get out of this mess now.
As for the room it certainly should be multi-purpose. I wouldn't even have a bed for her. My kids never had one at my wife's home except the one that lived there for a year or so. They slept on the couch and floor.
Get a blow up air mattress, some are as large as a queen bed and are a couple of feet high off the ground with motors to blow and deflate. I just got one on Amazon for about 25 dollars although you can spend a lot more. Let the air out and put it in the closet.
Personally, I would hang a
Personally, I would hang a sheet that is the color she wants, which can be removed if guests need to sleep there. Or, you can get/build a canopy bed where you can hang sheets in the color she wants on the inside, but have a neutral color on the outside. I would especially consider this if she will be sharing the room with a baby. You can remove the sheets or tie them off to open up the bed for guests. A room divider would do the trick as well. Everything can be removable. Think outside the box. Sometimes we make battles just so we can prove we can win them. This isn't worth it. It sucks enough that young children have to go back and forth because the adults couldn't get along. I don't blame her for wanting a "home" at her dad's as well.
Thanks so much for the
Thanks so much for the advice! I am absolutely putting my foot down. I have had it. I have tried for a year now to be ultra nice and side with my SD on everything. It is obvious to me now that no matter what I do, I am going to be the bad guy. So from now on things are being done my way. I am going to kindly ask my fiance to immediately shut down any discussion from her regarding me controlling. I refuse to have my home ruled by a almost 9 year old. This is ridiculous. I am not longer emotionally attaching myself to whether or not she "likes" me. I am going to definitely insist that my fiance makes it clear that he will not listen for one second to her critiquing me. I think next week I am going to require a sit down with the two of them and explain that I am an adult in the house and therefore my word goes. Period. And I am going to insist that my fiance backs me up. I am tired of hearing the "so I don't get a choice in anything" whine from her. No you are EIGHT. You do not. Ridiculous. I understand that since my fiance only sees her once a week he wants her to enjoy the time, but he is turning her into a monster. And I am not dealing with that crap. Thanks for the support!!!
How do I emotionally separate
How do I emotionally separate myself and not feel personally attacked and wounded from my SDs manipulative behavior regarding me...and what she says to her father to that end? Shes not even 9...why do I get so upset? And, also, how do I deal with the jealousy of the simple fact that my fiance has a child? I find it really really hard to understand why he even wants her around. (I know on a logical level...he's her father.) But I just find her to be irritating as all hell and an extra burden to me. Especially since she is manipulating the crap out of her father and apparently struggling for power with me. Who knew that 8 year olds even did that...spoiled.
I have never voiced to her
I have never voiced to her that she isn't allowed to choose. It's never come up before. She knows that I'm choosing colors for the rest of the house. Not out of control but because my fiancé wants me to. He doesn't trust his own design technique. I am irritated bc she told her father an outright lie. Li never told her she couldn't paint the room. I am realizing lately that I'm not going to allow it because she changes her mind every two seconds anyway. First she wanted blue. Then yellow. Then hot pink. Now back to blue. So I'm painting the room a neutral color that makes sense and will make sense in the future. I didn't get to pick my room out at 8. 8 year olds don't have the capacity to see the consequence of their decision in the future. That I know for sure because I work with kids all day every day. I am also not going to pain the room multiple times for no reason. Money is tight. So I'm not going and buying paint to then buy it again in a year. It's unreasonable for my fiancé to paint the same room twice in such a short period of time. So the decision has been made. My fiance is 100% on board. She can pick out things that aren't permanent.
Also, I go out of my way for
Also, I go out of my way for my SD. My fiancé has no doubt that I do. So he isn't confused. At all.
My SD is agreeable at times.
My SD is agreeable at times. Other times she says the exact opposite of what her dad and I say. I think she gets that from her mom. If I thought that we could pick a decent color without a hissy fit and tears that I definitely would do that. I just don't think it's a possibility. Stuff that I can easily replace I have no problem with her having input on. I also think it's a good lesson for her bc she tends to demand control over her father. I think with my support he might be more prone to (for lack of a better term) grow a damn pair and stop acting like a child himself!