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I need Honest Answers

creolemom84's picture

Ok... so... I need some honest answers here. I just want to know If I'm doing the right thing here. I am 29 and my hubby is 41. We met when I was 19. I never wanted to get involved with anyone who had already had kids and I had told him this. Well we ended up having kids and I ended up falling in love. After 4 years of dating and 2 boys, we tied the knot in 2008. We are still married but I am having a hard time WANTING to stay married. Why? Because of his damn kids!! I have sacrificed 10 years of raising them and being the only "mother" to them from the time they were 8 & 6 years old. They are now 18 and 16. Throughout those years, I've been so disrespected, unappreciated and lied on. It was good in the beginning, but after some time and having my own children came the accusations of me treating them different and them not liking me for whatever reason. I recently found out that they've been talking about me behind my back and calling me out of my name. My stepson has had issues over the years nonstop. He has been suspended so many times, sexually harassing girls at school, smoking weed, a pathological liar, steals, has run away 3 times, been locked up in a juvenile detention center twice, even touched my 4 year old son inappropriately and nothing was done about it. From the time he was 6, we had been taking him to see a psychologist and a psychiatrist for his ADHD. None of this helped, even when he was on meds. I think he has deeper issues but everyone else has been in denial all these years.. Anyhow my stepdaughter was always complaining about every little thing I do. She has a problem with everything!! She would never tell me to my face, though. When I would ask her about it or what did she have a problem with, she would always say "nothing". Well, things got so bad with my stepson that my hubby had to try and find her. She had been absent from the kids lives since they were 1 & 3 years old. So through Facebook, my hubby located his ex-wife through her family members. He spoke with her and told her about all the hell he's been giving us and she took him in March of 2013. This was the first time that their mother had seen them since they were toddlers. She even had the nerve to have 3 more kids that were living with her!! My stepdaughter is in college and stays on campus (Thank God)!! Ever since they met their biological mother, the disrespect has gotten worse. I would think they would have been grateful that I spent 10 years of my life taking care of them, loving them, and doing for them as my own. I've made a personal decision to not go out of my way for them anymore and not do for them. I'm tired of it and tired of them using me. I don't hear from my stepson at all since he left. The only reason I hear from my stepdaughter is so I can bring her groceries to her dorm and drop off her birth control pills. My hubby used to accuse me too from their lies but now he's starting to defend me and see how ungrateful and trifling they are. So am I right to feel the way I feel? Am I right to choose not to do for them anymore? I've had enough and I've even contemplated leaving my marriage. I don't even want to be around them anymore to be honest. I feel like I just need to concentrate on raising my three young children, which are 2 boys 8 & 6, and a 4 year old daughter who has Autism. Not to mention, I wouldn't want my stepson who is a pervert around my daughter who can't communicate well enough to tell me if someone does something to her.

Kelly32's picture

Oh dear, your situation has similarities to mine. I understand how you're feeling. Disengaging is good. I have also given 13 years of my life raising 2 steps. SD is now 21 and while I had some difficult times with her, we are getting on very well now. SS is another kettle of fish. He has moved out, only 19, probably wont be going to college, in a relationship with the girlfriend from hell.. I am really trying to disengage from him and it does help. You've done enough! Being a step parent is not easy and had I my life over again, I wouldn't do it.. That's guaranteed. Good luck. Start with disengaging from the steps before you contemplate leaving the marriage.

Kelly32's picture

Oh dear, your situation has similarities to mine. I understand how you're feeling. Disengaging is good. I have also given 13 years of my life raising 2 steps. SD is now 21 and while I had some difficult times with her, we are getting on very well now. SS is another kettle of fish. He has moved out, only 19, probably wont be going to college, in a relationship with the girlfriend from hell.. I am really trying to disengage from him and it does help. You've done enough! Being a step parent is not easy and had I my life over again, I wouldn't do it.. That's guaranteed. Good luck. Start with disengaging from the steps before you contemplate leaving the marriage.

Orange County Ca's picture

Absolutely. Tell your husband you've had it and those kids are no longer welcome into your home or if you're not that broken at least they're no longer welcome to live there after college or if the boy shows up.

It's your home and you have rights.

I've placed a link below to a article on disengaging and perhaps it will help:

http://steptogether.org/disengaging.html

Fulltimewitch's picture

Your story sounds very familliar. Wink
It's funny how we raise them and treat them like our own and we do it almost naturally. Especially when you then have bio children involved, you just try to become this one big family and you are the mom and they are the kids.

But once puberty hits.. then everything seems to change.
My SD's don't even remember living with their BM, and yet she gets the place on the peddastool and I get the stick... well you know what I mean I am sure!

You have every right to feel what you are feeling. Enough is enough. They don't have to fall to their knees saying thank you every day. THey don't have to tell you every day how grateful they are for what you've done for them.
But they DO need to treat you with respect. And the fact that they don't is making you feel this way now. IF you are even a little like me, you'd have continued to treat them like your own for the rest of their lives if they would just show some normal, decent respect right?

But they don't, and you don't have to take it any more.
And the good part is, you are not alone.

Plenty of people here that know what you are talking about, and are willing to offer a shoulder and some good advice.
(I"ve only just found this place myself! Whát a relief!)