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Should I have my own child?

lorlors's picture

Submitted by lorlors on Sun, 03/23/2014 - 11:16pm

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Bio Child Free Zone

My fiancé and I are very happy and getting married in September. He has 2 children Sd12 and Ss13. We went out for sd12's birthday last night for dinner and I was very aware that these were not my children. I felt very aware that every other weekend, birthdays and school holidays I would be spending my time with his children. I thought 'would a child of mine ever feature in this picture?'

The question I am asking is one more for stepmothers. Did you have your own child after your stepkids?

How do you feel if you didn't have your own children but are still a stepmother?

I just want some opinions on whether it works if you don't have your own kids.

I am not baby mad or anything, I just want to make sure I do not regret not having my own kids later in life.

onthefence2's picture

Submitted by onthefence2 on Mon, 03/24/2014 - 1:11am

I did have two children after being a stepmom, but ended up splitting when they were 4 and 6. It had nothing to do with the skid, but that my exh was/is a psychopath. I would make sure I knew my fiance VERY well before I married and/or had kids.

hereiam's picture

Submitted by hereiam on Mon, 03/24/2014 - 7:40am

I've been with my husband 17 years and it has never bothered me to not have my own kids but I have never wanted kids and that feeling didn't change after becoming a step-mother.

I have never felt left out or like I was missing something, I have never felt like I bonded less with my husband because I didn't have his child.

Had I wanted a child, my husband is a great dad, that would have been enough for me.

Do what is right for you and what's really in your heart.

not2sureimsaneanymore's picture

Submitted by not2sureimsanea... on Mon, 03/24/2014 - 7:53am

The biggest difference I found was that after having my own, I was very meh about anything related to BM. Nothing bothered me unless it directly affected our daughter which it hasn't, so far.

My DH is the most amazing father to our BD and I'm glad we had her (I had been considering terminating due to some stuff going on with BM and would have divorced him after. Seems so long ago...)

Esmerelda's picture

Submitted by Esmerelda on Sun, 03/30/2014 - 4:49am

I struggled with this a lot. I posted the same question a while ago here, so you'll be able to search for it and see some more answers.

i am at the stage where I don't want to have any because I don't want the possibility of dealing with more of the same: skids who are just bad housemates - not bad people, but suck up all your time and energy without much reward. I know people always say its different with your own, but what if its still not very good? I don't like the gamble.

In any case, I'm leaning very slightly towards having my own. We actually tried for about 2 months last year before I got cold feet and thank god I didn't get pregnant, it turned out to be an horrendously busy year for everything. My hubby I think would like to have a baby with me, just not the reality of what goes with it - sacrificing our freedom once again now that SD16 and SS19 could be out of the house in a couple of years.

I worry about regretting it later. When everyone buggers off with their own lives and Im left alone without anything of my own. I'm just not sure.

Smokey_Bear's picture

Submitted by Smokey_Bear on Tue, 05/06/2014 - 10:33pm

"sacrificing our freedom once again now that SD16 and SS19 could be out of the house in a couple of years."

This. DH has three kids of his own, 10, 14, almost17--and I keep thinking they're almost out of the house--kind of. But if we somehow managed to get pregnant (He's fixed), then it would be another 18 years, minimum.... I don't know---it's tough.

lorlors's picture

Submitted by lorlors on Mon, 03/31/2014 - 3:05am

Esmerelda, you have described exactly how I feel. Exactly to the letter. It's unbelievable. It's not like you can return kids to the store if they aren't exactly what you want. On the other hand, I think well, I have to put up with step kids, what is an extra one of mine in the mix? Then I think, my parents love being parents and grandparents, I would too with my own. Xx

Esmerelda's picture

Submitted by Esmerelda on Mon, 03/31/2014 - 7:14pm

For us, we love being together, and when the skids go to their BM, we rediscover each other. The rest of the time we're just getting through life. We don't want that to be a full time deal, but while I know it'll be different, its still an anchor that I'm not sure I want. My parents would love me to have a child as their other grandchildren are either to far away or are controlled by their horrible daughter in law. I am leaning towards it though, hubby made noises about how lovely it would be for me to be pregnant, just doesn't want the infinite commitment that goes with it! Something will either make us decide, or decide for us, I think.

lorlors's picture

Submitted by lorlors on Sat, 04/05/2014 - 8:01pm

I have had a massive think about this and discussed it with FDH. I said if you hadn't been married before I would have had my own kids . Ok I am not kid mad and go all goo goo over other peoples brats but that's not the point. I'd be gaga about my own. I have kids by proxy with his every other weekend so why should I stay quiet and live with the status quo and not have a child of my own just because he is done??

We marry in sept, I am 29, he is early 40s and he said he anticipated this happening and is happy to get his vasectomy reversed to have children with me.

Be honest people and don't keep your feelings to yourself in order to please your partner. I felt guilty for thinking I wanted kids and then kept it to myself.

Executivestepmother's picture

Submitted by Executivestepmother on Sat, 04/12/2014 - 9:04pm

I went back and forth, and back and forth… I love my career and never wanted any kids. I actually never saw myself as someone who was married actually. Then I met my husband, married him, and his SD7 (4 at the time). Now, and only now have I ever wanted to have kids. I was so worried about my kid turing out like his, and my lack of affection for his daughter and generally finding her to be bothersome, worried me. I really just don't like other people's kids. So what would make me thing I could deal with one of my own. I'm pretty selfish with my time.

Then I started thinking, would I really be ok leaving only his daughter behind as my legacy? Would I be happy attending all her family things when I'm super old and not really wanting to? Am I ok wasting all my future holidays in anticipation of SD's visit? I think no! If being a real parent was like being a Step parent there would be no children. Smile

I'm working on my own now, and it's not going very well. But I all be damned if my legacy begins and ends with BM's kid! Hell NO! I have to think that the "mothering," would come to me.

I would say, think about it. Do it if you think it's right, don't let step kids rule your decision to leave behind some piece of you.

sfrederick's picture

Submitted by sfrederick on Sun, 05/04/2014 - 7:15pm

Please dont have kids for any reason other than you want kids. I am 41, infertile and married to a man 51 who has two daughters. I often felt sad (and jealous) when we first got married(4yrs ago) that I would never have the bond his ex had with him of having children together. I didnt know what that felt like. It hurt, especially since his two daughters ages 21 and 23 refuse to accept me into the family. When I married him I had hoped to get close to them-they would be the kids I couldnt have. Yet, because of a toxic mom, they want nothing to do with me. But, the beauty of this sad story is that, after all, I have been forced to make a family with just my husband(since I cant have kids) and to really build our relationship. You really can be happy if you dont have kids and you can really concentrate of being a unit and having fun together-hobbies, trips, discussions--its good. Good luck!

lorlors's picture

Submitted by lorlors on Wed, 05/07/2014 - 4:19am

Thank you Marie for your honesty. You sound like a lovely person and your step kids are missing out by not fostering a relationship with you xxx

Calypso1977's picture

Submitted by Calypso1977 on Tue, 05/13/2014 - 9:25am

"When I married him I had hoped to get close to them-they would be the kids I couldnt have. Yet, because of a toxic mom, they want nothing to do with me."

this, so this.
while im not infertile (well, never tried to get pregnant so i could be?) i never wanted kids and had hoped SD13 would fill whatever void may or may not be there in my life. but after the honeymoon ended she and BM have made it crystal clear that there will be no relationship for her and i.