Boundaries and just general HELP!
Long story short. I have reunited with my 18 y/o daughters biological dad. We were never married and he gave up his rights when she was 4 so my then hubby could adopt her. He has been an accessory in her life, not real active at all but present enough that she knew who he was. He and I both went on to new relationships and had other kiddos. We reunited after my then 16yo spent time with him in Kansas over Christmas. by then we were both divorced.
The issue I am having is he is highly critical of my children. I have 3 girls (18 14 10). He has even gone so far as to name call them to me. He never speaks bad of them to their faces but he does say stuff to me all the time. He is most critical of my 18 y/o. I say "you weren't around to raise her so how dare you criticize anything I've done as far as she goes"
How the heck do we overcome this????
He was raised with an iron fist. I am pretty lax, and yes my girls are spoiled and probably have a sense of entitlement. But they are good girls. They do well in school and sports and are generally good girls. I don't allow them to disrespect him. But he flies off the handle bc I have to tell my 10 yo to do stuff 3 or 4 times, bc she wont sit still at the dinner table and manners are in need of help.
Also, he wants all of the authority but only wants to pay 1/3 of the household bills. He gives me more money that that usually but still when he first moved in he said he should only pay 1/3. (me him and child support split 3 ways)
Anyway how do we do this???????
Personally, I wouldn't get
Personally, I wouldn't get involved with this guy again. You obviously don't agree on parenting philosophies, and from my experience, that creates WAY too much stress and drama for my taste.
I hate to say it, but I think pursuing a relationship with this man again will be a bad idea.
That's got to be a new one
That's got to be a new one and I thought I had seen it all on this site.
Soooooo...why did you break up in the first place and what will keep that from happening again? Sounds like there are a bunch of NEW issues now!
Also, I really would scoff in the face of someone who is criticizing an 18 year old when HE signed off HIS rights when she was 4! I'd say he has NO say in ANYTHING.
I can't believe that you actually want this guy back in your life. If I was your 18 year old, I would disown BOTH of you. Him for signing off on being my father and you for inviting this waste of space back into my life so he could verbally and mentally abuse me AND my mother!
ETA: Did your exH pay CS on the child he adopted after the real father flaked out? I'd be UBER pissed if I were THAT guy!!
I mean... I see where his
I mean... I see where his frustration is coming from and if you truly want to be with him despite your history (I agree with the above posters... why?????), then you should be understanding of his concerns. My husbands daughters are the same way and because of how I grew up, I can't stand their sense of entitlement, they are so spoiled and whiny and everytime they open their mouth I want to throw up. Leave or compromise/be understanding...
misstep............you're not
misstep............you're not a very nice person, first and foremost.
We were 21, young and dumb. I BEGGED him to relinquish his rights to my husband so she could be raised in a happy healthy home, which she was. Bio dad struggled for 2 years before he gave in to my pleadings. Second of all he paid his child support and whatever arrears he had up until the adoption was final. He honored OUR wishes to stay away. The things you folks all assume...... he did what we begged him to do.
Why did we split up when we were 21? Because we were young and dumb.
It was my daughters idea for us to reunite, thank you very much. And we had nothing but her blessing and support.
He NEVER speaks ugly to them. So accusing him of being verbally and mentally abusive to the 18 y/o or any of my girls is incorrect and an assumption on your part. He speaks behind closed doors and happens to just be far more opinionated than I think he needs to be.
And yes my lovely exH paid child support for 16 months on the 18 y/o. that's sorta how that works when you adopt someone. and yes he is less than excited about how this all worked out.
I have an issue with him critiquing my parenting but you guys are speaking like we are something off a Maury show where a dead beat dad walked away and reappears. Not the case at all, but thanks for your $.02
And calling him a waste of space is just awful.
wait...what?...you BEGGED him
wait...what?...you BEGGED him to sign over his rights so another man could raise his daughter?...why??????????????????
yes I did. he lived 8 hours
yes I did. he lived 8 hours away. I became pregnant with my 2nd daughter with my husband and we felt it was the best thing for our family unit. To all be 1. He would raise her as his own, so we felt it was best.
YOU felt it was
YOU felt it was right?...because he lived 8 hours away?...it was best for YOUR family unit with your new hubby and baby on the way to push a Bio-dad away from HIS child????...you can not be serious?...your new hubby had zero say in what was right for a child that isn't his...period....
considering the facts at that
considering the facts at that time and I knew he wouldn't be around yes, we thought it was best. We never denied him access to her, he saw her every year for a while then more sporadically. He spoke to her anytime he wanted to. he was a bit of a wanderer and I wanted her to have stability. And yes my exH was raising her he absolute had a right to say in the matter.
In all my years working as a
In all my years working as a cop (now retired), the kids I "encountered" who were the most incorrigible, most difficult, least receptive to positive guidance, most angry, and most troublesome were NOT the kids whose parents both did drugs. Or had parents that beat them. Or parents who abandoned them.
The worst kids of the bunch? The ones raised in a two-parent household where Mama-figure and Dada-figure parented in polar-opposite manners:
permissive parent vs. restrictive parent
angry parent vs. blissfully unaware/cheerful parent
disciplinary parent vs. disney parent
Hyper-vigilent parent vs. rose-colored glasses parent
You have a lot of history to overcome. And your polar-opposite parenting styles will cause you a lot of grief. Good luck. You'll need it.
Thank you for the
Thank you for the constructive reply. And you make perfect sense.
Waiting to see where I'm
Waiting to see where I'm jumping in on this one.
yeah...I need more
yeah...I need more info....but I'm not digging on the fact that she BEGGED him to sign over rights.... :?
I have no reason to lie. yes
I have no reason to lie. yes I begged him to give her up. he moved away and I knew he wouldn't be part of her everyday life, yet my then husband who came in the picture when she was almost 3 would be there everyday. May have been a bad decision by y'alls standards but certainly something we thought about in depth and a decision that was not easy for the bio dad.
And anyway, my question is about his critical nature. Why are we focusing on the fact that I begged him to give her up?
he has every right to be
he has every right to be critical IMO....
Can you help me understand
Can you help me understand why? I am honestly seeking genuine advice.
I begged and he conceded but still why be so critical of the job I did?
Yes we split up while I was preggo. And he moved away so I knew he wouldn't be around. So he knew it was best too, no matter how hard the decision was. But even if he hadn't allowed my ex to adopt her, he still wouldn't have been around much. So.........
okay..fair enough.....look at
okay..fair enough.....look at it this way....you begged him to sign over rights because YOU felt he wouldn't have been a great parent right?...you made yourself look like the superior parent...we see that ALL THE TIME on this site with these BM's we deal with...they are the superior parent and the DH's are SHIT....so now that he has a chance to "be back around" obviously he is seeing something wrong with your "parenting"...how would you feel if the tables were turned?
No because he would be an
No because he would be an absent parent. At 21 I had no idea what kind of parent he would be. I had little to go on. I just knew he wouldn't be around and I wanted to give my daughter a shot at as normal a life as possible.
he has a son that doesn't live with us and I just don't see myself being a critical of his parenting as he is of mine.
So my question is this.................she's 18, all the raising has been done. I don't get why he is so critical and if I am supposed to just listen to it?
I'm not sure what a DH is, so pardon me for not knowing how to respond to that.
Take away the fact that the 18 yo is his blood child. How do you work this out with a critical step parent?
We don't have standards
We don't have standards anymore.
do you care to elaborate?
do you care to elaborate?
Wow. OK My daddy is an
Wow. OK My daddy is an amazing man. No daddy issues here and he and my dad are similar in work ethic but that's about it. maybe just unresolved issues of a 21 year old girl in a relationship with this man back then.
He has 3 other children. All
He has 3 other children. All of which he had a hand in raising until they were around 10, when he divorced their respective mommas. Now the 2 oldest kids were raised mainly by momma and the boyfriend she cheated on Biodad with. Those 2 both have history of drug abuse, thieving and behavioural issues.
I begged him to relinquish rights once I knew he wouldn't be an active participant in her life and once I became preg by hubby plus as I stated he moved 8 hours away.
Yes he is kind to my girls, but so critical. And so very very critical of how I raised the 18 yo. She graduated HS, his oldest kids did not. She has never been a partier, she follows the rules, does what I ask of her. But he points out how spoiled she is and thinks she "runs the house". I've yet to figure out why he says that.
So he is right in all of his criticism? I am to let him say what he feels he has the right to say?
I begged he conceded. It was a 2 way deal. I just don't understand why he thinks it OK to be so critical of the 18 y/o. What am I missing here? Honestly?
And no, not at all for the 18 year old. I loved him 20 years ago and was heart broken. Never did I think we would ever rekindle. But we did. Im just trying to iron out all the rough stuff.