Yes, mine will not speak either. I am pleasant, but I do nothing for them. I feel that if they want no part of me, I will give nothing more than the polite behavior that I would reserve for someone I barely know. The more your husband tries to make her be nice, the more she will resist doing it. My husband always used to do that, and it made his kids, teenagers, even worse.

His best bet if he is willing is to tell his daughter "do not treat me this way." "Me" being himself. She is being disrespectful to him as well. He also needs to define what is his wife's role and what is his daughter's role to her. He should just leave any reference to you out of the talk as it will almost guarantee she'll do the opposite should it become about her liking and respecting you.

Let him do everything for her. Do not waste your time. You share one thing in common you both love him, but that seems to be it. So, out of love for him, leave her be, and let him do all of this crazy stuff for her. If there is something she cannot ask him for, let her ask her mother. Stick to the same polite behavior you reserve for colleagues, so no one can say that you brought on this behavior. The minute you lose your temper you have lost. So, the best way not to lose your temper is to do virtually nothing.

If your husband balks, calmly say that his daughter clearly does not feel comfortable with you doing things for her, and you do not wish to be in the position of being made uncomfortable. Presumably he married you because he loves you, not to get child care, so he would need to do these things anyway. Save the things that you do for him and your marriage.

Once you let him deal with all of her stuff, you will feel better. When she is around busy yourself with other things. Same activities for visitation times, and go and enjoy. After all, it is supposed to be his time with her, so let them have each other.

I'm curious if BM has told her YOU are the reason for the divorce of her parents?

I mean obviously it's coming from BM, IF you really have been doing nothing but nice and helpful things for her.
Sh has some kind of resentment of you.

I think it is completely your husband that needs to get to the bottom of it. Find out the reason why she is doing it. And HE needs to put his foot down to stop it.

I don't think anything you do or don't do will change or help the situation, it needs to be her dad.

Our SD's could be twins. I have also never been anything but nice to her - doing all the usual stuff. Never excluding her from anything - if I do it for my dd's I would always do it for her too. If I buy the dd's something she would get it too. Whatever. I always treated them the same. But that has stopped lately. I have had so much grief with this girl that I have stripped her room of everything I ever bought her, and these days I pretty much do nothing for her.

Mine is 13 and also does the look me dead in the face and ignore. She has upped the ante recently though.

Friday night she walked in to the house and dd21 and I were sitting in the lounge, she walked right by us with a snarl on her face (OH came in about 10 steps behind so couldn't see her but knew she didn't speak) Sometimes I ignore her right back, Friday I said "Hello sd, how was your day?"

She muttered some reply, and stalked off up the stairs.

We all sat down to dinner. My younger two dd's (8 and 11) OH, SD, ss10 and myself. During the meal she talked to dadddyyyyy and ss, ignored the rest of us as usual. At one point OH was up in the kitchen getting ss seconds. DD's and I were talking maths and tricks to remember stuff - like the 9 times tables trick. SS started to talk to me to say he had one and SD literally said "SS!! DON'T speak to her, shhhhh! Stop talking!" Fucking rude little bitch! SS looked stunned, my dd's looked stunned, OH didn't hear it, and I was pissed! I glared at her, and said "sorry SS, I didn't catch what you said, what was your trick again?" By this time OH was back at the table, and SS told us all his trick (I 8 and ate until I was sick on the floor = 8x8=64)

Later after the meal I was collecting plates (usually they are expected to take their own into the kitchen but I felt like doing it) I asked them all to pass them down to me. All the others did, SD ignored (OH was again out of the room checking the footy scores) So I was standing next to dd11, sd was sitting next to her on the other side, I said "SD, can you please pass your plate down?" She shoved in across so hard that soup slopped onto the table. I said "Thanks SO much SD! Oh that's ok Luchay, thanks for taking my plate for me and thanks for dinner! Oh that's OK SD, isn't it lovely what good manners we have?" The others kids all fell about laughing, SD grunted }:)

Later I was serving dessert.... Three kids standing at the counter all excited (we don't have dessert often and this was a special one. Waiting for their pieces etc. I cut it into halves, then one half into equal thirds. The other half I accidentally but two slightly large pieces which left one quite small one }:) The other three were all oohing and ahhing and wanting their pieces, (nicely) SD was still sullen faced at the table. So I handed the three waiting ones the equal pieces, one of them said "who gets the bigger pieces?" DD11 said "Oh, OH will have the biggest!" And SS10 said "people with bad manners get the smallest!" With that SD was up to the bench quicker than you could blink.... And guess what. I was quicker. I grabbed the two big pieces for OH and I and walked away.

Saturday morning, I walked into the house after taking dd's to dancing, she was the only one up. Sitting on the couch, holding the TV remote and watching Teen crap. I walked in, turned the kettle on in the kitchen, wandered back into the lounge and ignored her completely - took the remote right out of her hand without even acknowledging her presence, stood between her and the TV and changed the channel to something I wanted and then went back to the kitchen to make my coffee. Walked back in with it and sat down, all the while pretending she did not exist. She went upstairs }:) Petty and childish I know, but sometimes you just have to have a F*ck YOU moment and that was mine!

We are seeing a counsellor. The counsellor is giving OH help with how to get SD to talk about what is going on with her, to get her to open up and own her feelings and why she is behaving the way she does. The bottom line is she blames me for everything - partly because BM tells her it's all my fault and they would still be the picture perfect family if I hadn't of "stolen" her dad (utter bullsit) And also partly because it's easier to blame me than to be angry at her dad and her mum. So OH has to get her to admit her anger and her hurt, and then guide her into acknowledging the TRUE source of them (i.e. NOT LUCHAY) We aren't there yet. And the step after that is for him to let her know that no matter how she FEELS about me (and my dd's) she is not allowed to behave the way she has been, that we have certain expectations and rules about how people are to be treated in our house and start giving out consequences if her behaviours continue.