Easter Baskets/Presents
So I have a SS10 and also have a son of my own who is 16 months. To make a long story short (since this post is already going to be long enough), my husband got lied to and basically forced into a switched weekend that he never agreed to and now that our EOW rotation is thrown off because of it, it means that we have my stepson on Easter weekend now.
Because I have my own son now, I was really looking forward to planning his Easter basket and hiding eggs, etc since he's sort of old enough to somewhat participate this year. I was also really looking forward to the fact that my SS wasn't going to be around and I (we) didn't have to get him anything. My SS just watches YouTube videos all day. He hasn't touched a single thing that we got him for Christmas. It's all literally in his room still in sealed in the boxes. He has things from 3 Christmases ago that are still haven't been touched. He only goes into his room to sleep so his stuff isn't even looked at or gone through.
He told my husband the last time he visited that the main reason he doesn't like coming to our house is because we "don't buy him anything." My husband, of course, said "I don't need to buy you anything because you have a whole room full of stuff that you haven't even touched." To which SS replied, "I don't want that stuff. I want new stuff." Jokingly, my husband offered to try to take all the stuff in his room back to the store and buy him "new" stuff and that seemed to irritate my stepson. Eye-wink
Anyway, back on the subject, after this whole blow up over the switched weekend happened, I told my husband that I'm not doing an Easter basket/present for my SS and that if he wanted him to have one, he needed to do the shopping, etc for it (I'm really trying to disengage from my SS thanks to this message board). My husband said, "That's fine. He's too old for Easter anyway." And I was fine with that.
Now that a few weeks have pasted and the holiday is getting closer, I'm really struggling with only looking for stuff for my son. I'm already a bad guy in so many ways so if I/we don't get anything for my SS for the holiday, it's going to really look like our kids are more important than he is (in my mind, they are, but I'm so tired of being the bad guy and it would just turn around to be my fault in my SS's eyes).
Saving my son's Easter basket until my SS leaves to go back to his mom's Sunday night is not an option as I promised myself that I would never make my kid(s) wait on something just for him. I was a stepkid growing up and we were always forced to wait for my step-siblings to show up and they'd get there and already have presents from the Easter/Christmas/etc that they had at their mom's when my sibling and I had yet to have ours at all.
Also, my SS10 is 207 lbs so I/we refuse to get him candy or anything junk food related so doing a small Easter basket for him in this regard isn't an option either. We haven't done candy in previous years Easter baskets for him because he's been obese for years and it's just not something we are going to encourage at our house.
So I guess my question is, do I just need to not worry about it and just concentrate on my son on Easter and just do the things I was going to do with him regardless? I know SS's mom is probably going to do something when he gets back to her so there's that to consider too.
207 pounds? Holy crap! Why
207 pounds? Holy crap! Why aren't DH and BM doing something about that? And he's TEN? Dear God. That kid's in for a lifetime of problems if he already weighs that much.
But I guess that's a whole 'nother issue, and not something you should have to deal with. That's DH and BM's problem, not yours.
With that being said...STICK TO YOUR GUNS! You told DH you weren't going to do a basket or present for your SS, so DON'T. If DH wants to do something, he can. I have a feeling that even if you did put something together for him, he wouldn't like it anyway, so don't waste your time and money on it.
My DH and I handle our own kids' presents for birthday/Christmas separately, and neither of us expects the other one to handle it. We discussed that right off the bat, before we even got married. He knows better what his kids want, and I know what mine want, so it's just the logical way to handle it. I'd refuse to do it if DH ever expected me to shop for his kids' presents, and I'd never expect him to do it for mine. We both have our hands full enough as it is. (He has three young children, and I have two.)
I understand your feelings of guilt, though. I've been there. You have to ignore them, though, especially since you've already made it clear that buying SS something is NOT your responsibility, and you're not going to make it your responsibility. If you handle this, DH may expect you to start taking on other tasks for SS. It can snowball quickly. (Been there, done that with my ex-husband and his three kids.)
And if any of my stepkids had bunches of unopened presents in their rooms, I may be a bitch, but I'd look at that as a lot of wasted money. I'd talk to DH first, then give them one last chance to open and use the presents, and if they didn't, I'd either sell them on ebay or return them to the store for a refund. That's just ridiculous, and so wasteful. Put the money in a college fund or savings account for SS if you want, but just leaving all that stuff lying around unused and unopened is just ridiculous.
Your SS sounds like an ungrateful little git. I don't know him, but it sounds like nothing you could ever do for him would be appreciated, so I wouldn't even bother to try.
I have another post about my
I have another post about my SS's weight (it's a few pages away from the main one by now) so I didn't want to rehash it in this one, but yeah, his weight annoys me to no end and his BM sees nothing wrong with it, but something IS being done about it......very slowly, which is also irritating, but the ball is kind of rolling on that whole thing.
All of the kids are my husband's kids so there is no "you shop for yours and I'll shop for mine" really except that I'm now going to hand over the shopping, etc. for my SS over to my husband (I like shopping for my kids). We've been together for 7 years and married 2.5 of those years so unfortunately, I didn't know about this website and had no idea what "disengaging" was so I took on way more responsibility for my stepson than I should have. Now, I'm in the process of handing all that responsibility back to my husband which is really hard to do when you've been doing it for so long, but I'm using the excuse of "We have our own kids (the other one is due in a couple months) now so I don't have time to do everything for them and him when I'm just the bad guy anyway." My husband doesn't like it, but it's true, I don't have time to do everything anymore.
My stepson is an ungrateful little git.
You nailed that one. I want to sell/return the toys in my stepson's room sooooo badly, but most of them are Lego sets and my husband is obsessed with them (even though he hasn't built any of them either) and refuses to get rid of them. I try to keep my SS's room closed because it makes me sick just looking in there and seeing the totes upon totes of unopened boxes of Lego sets. I can't remember the last time my SS willingly put together a Lego set.
Yeah, I refuse to accommodate
Yeah, I refuse to accommodate my SS's bad eating and horrible weight any longer so him having candy/junk food at our house is not an option for him. I'm not claiming to be the healthiest person on the planet, but I'm definitely way more active than my SS's BM and know that there is a time and a place for junk food and it's not called "breakfast", "lunch", or "dinner".
Yes, enjoy this time with
Yes, enjoy this time with your son. I refuse to let my skids barge in on my special moments with my two boys, and I'll be damned if I'm waiting until they're there to celebrate things. If they're not there, tough shit, we're moving forward with it. They can celebrate with BM if they're not with us on Easter or whatever.
MY kids aren't going to sit around and wait on the three precious snowflakes to show up. Ain't gonna happen!
Enjoy these years and moments with your little one. They go by so fast! If your DH has a problem with that, that's just too damn bad for him!
Thanks for not making me feel
Thanks for not making me feel like an a$$hole if I (we) just do my own thing with our son. My son doesn't know what candy is yet so I was going to put his little dried fruit snack things that he loves in the eggs. Now, I know that's what I'm going to do and definitely keep everything "baby-ish" so that way if my SS feels the need to participate, he won't be interested in the stuff anyway and I won't feel like I broke the promise to myself to stay out of my SS's Easter. Thanks for giving me the confidence to keep on this track of thinking!
My stepkids probably think
My stepkids probably think I'm an a$$hole. Christmas morning, they were with BM until 1:00pm. DH wanted to wait until the skids got to our house to open presents, or even stockings. He expected my kids to leave everything untouched until after lunch. Oh HELL no!
I told him that we were NOT waiting until after 1:00 to do anything! My kids would get up and open their presents that MORNING, and if he didn't like it, that was just too damn bad!
My stepkids had their big blowout Christmas morning at BM's house, and I didn't expect mine to have to stand around doing nothing all day on Christmas just because they weren't at our house yet. Screw that!
I will NEVER expect my children to sit idly by and put anything off for those kids. The skids were kinda pissed that we didn't wait until we got there to open presents, but I don't care one damn bit!
This is how my brother and I
This is how my brother and I were raised. We waiting on my step siblings to do EVERYTHING. Then they would come over Christmas afternoon and they'd be showing off their new clothes/toys and my brother and I hadn't gotten ANYTHING at that point. We also had to stay upstairs the whole time so we didn't see "Santa's presents". Santa doesn't wrap presents and they didn't want it spoiled for the step-siblings. I told my husband when we decided to have our own kids that they were never ever going to wait for my SS to get there. Our Christmas doesn't compare to BM's anyway and never will (Like my kids are never going to get an iPhone for Christmas when they turn 5, etc). He said that was fine. Our son was 2 months old his first Christmas so we did wait, but it was almost 6pm before we got to open presents at our house and that's when I knew "NEVER.AGAIN." I want MY presents too.
My DH goes overboard for
My DH goes overboard for every holiday, too, and it annoys the hell out of me. My family celebrated Christmas, and maybe we got a little candy in our basket at Easter, but that was pretty much it. There wasn't much fanfare, and they kept it simple. I did the same thing with my two boys.
But DH? Sheesh. It's a full-on blow-out at every holiday, no matter how trivial I may think the holiday is. (Hiding gold for St. Patrick's Day totally sounds like something my DH will want to do!)
I guess it's cute that he likes to do something for all the holidays, but it's just exhausting, and his kids expect SO much year-round as it is. It really ramps up around the holidays, and boy does DH deliver. It's what they've come to expect. It just makes me weary.
You mentioned SD12 still believing in Santa. One of my stepsons is just shy of being ten and still believes in Santa wholeheartedly. I've expressed my concern to DH about this. He also believes in the Tooth Fairy (for real!). That kid's in for a world of ridicule when his classmates find out. I've mentioned that to DH, and just left it alone after that. Not my kid, not my problem.
Now I have lots of holidays to look forward to, where we bend over backwards to buy a bunch of crap and decorate and do stuff for these ungrateful brats. UGH
I never did the whole "Santa
I never did the whole "Santa is REAL!" thing with my kids, either, but DH and BM still do it with the stepkids. My oldest son figured it out at four, and he asked me point-blank if Santa was real. I didn't lie. I told him that there is no magical "Santa" that goes around leaving presents and stuff. My son was just like "Oh, okay," and was totally okay with it.
Now DS has to be quiet about Santa around the stepkids (the oldest of which is almost ten), because they all still believe. Apparently one day DS mentioned that Santa wasn't real, and those skids cried and wailed for about a half-hour at BM's house about it. I caught hell for it, too.
Step-parenting sucks. No two ways about it.
I hear you on this one! My
I hear you on this one! My husband even said he's too old and to not worry about it, but EVERYTHING always comes back to me being "the bad guy" so when something doesn't go SS's way and he decides to call the next weekend he's supposed to come over saying he doesn't want to come over and my husband asks him why, it's always "Because I hate, [insert my name] and [his brother]. They always mess with me." (How a 16 month old "messes" with a 10 year old is beyond me btw) It's really tiring. My SS didn't say one word to me last weekend until he opened the fridge and "something was about to fall out". It was the first time I ever said, "Go tell your dad." It was great. I later told my husband that there was no way I'm going to let SS ignore me all weekend (not that I was trying to communicate with him either) and then come up to me when he needs help with something and expect me to jump. At least my husband said, "Yeah, I know. I don't blame you on that one."
I would do a movie, but my husband's family gets him movies, etc for Christmas and they are still in the packaging. He doesn't open ANYTHING. He loves to read, but any book that we give him stays unread. It's like I have no more ideas short of giving him a gift card and letting his BM deal with taking him to the store, but she does that with her own money anyway for any reason ("because it's Tuesday") so why should I waste our money to help her out?
I mentioned this in another
I mentioned this in another post, but, my husband is taking her to court over SS's weight. He started going to a doctor/nutritionist back in October for his weight because my husband forced the issue finally. He's gained 30+ lbs since he started going to the doctor and nutritionist and yet his BM is claiming they are "doing everything the nutritionist said." She also keeps cancelling/rescheduling appointments so he hasn't seen the nutritionist as much as he's supposed to have been seeing her since she first had him in her office.
Now, my husband's lawyer is putting a court supervision clause in their revised agreement that they are going to court for so if she doesn't start doing what the doctor and nutritionist are telling her to do, the court is going to take SS away from her. The lawyer said my husband could go after full custody now if he wanted to and he might have a shot at winning, but my husband said he wants to stick to the original plan of trying for custody in a year after he gets more visitation and then he'll not only have the doctor's records backing him up, he'll also have the court records backing him up for full custody. The lawyer said it would be pretty much guaranteed at that time.
I would focus on your son.
I would focus on your son.
Honestly I am excited not to have to any Easter baskets this year. As I normally do one for SS and for DH just to go along with it. This year DH leaves the Wednesday before Easter making it not my problem.
I have made them before when DH was gone but he came home like the week after. My response if SS says anything this year is I expected for your mom to handle it since you were with her.
With your SS he is old enough to know you were supposed to be with BM so we expected that's where your basket would be IMO.
I'm writing this as both a SM
I'm writing this as both a SM and BM.
Do your Easter thing as you'd like. Don't delay or alter events to accommodate a step-schedule, or any child, if it is very disruptive.
There have been times I have wanted to alter events to accommodate my own DD11 - so she could be included. It breaks my heart every time, but I don't automatically do it. I want my skids to feel their lives are not on hold, or revolve around, my DD.
I make sure we (me, DH, skids) continue to have a "family life" when DD11 is at her dads or celebrating with his family. Skids deserve traditions and routines too even if I dislike celebrating without my DD.
Don't let your SS or the step-schedule change the traditions or routines you want to have for your bios. Us bio-parents sometimes need to put on big-girl/boy panties and realize our bios may miss out on some stuff.
Yeah, that's the point that
Yeah, that's the point that my husband and I are getting to. We are now realizing that if he's not here, he's not here. We used to try to switch weekends to make sure he was included in family events, etc, but my husband would always get screwed because BM would claim that she was being "nice" and giving him "extra time" only to later take away a huge chunk of his court ordered time. So now we've agreed to not switch weekends anymore and if something happens to fall on SS's weekend, great and if not, we're just going to make the best of it. It works out so much better this way.
BM wanted to "switch weekends" about a month ago. My husband didn't want to (as he knew he'd get screwed later) and finally agreed to do it as long as he got two weekends in a row. The first weekend went off without a hitch. The 2nd weekend, my SS called my husband and said, "I'm not coming over" and hung up. And then when my husband called back and actually got BM/SS to stay on the phone, my SS proceeded to call my husband a f*#cking dick and said that the dinner we made him eat last time he was over was $h1t. So pretty much cussed him out and then told him that he hated me and his half-brother (my son). So in the end, he got denied the weekend visitation. My SS fortunately got into a lot of trouble the next weekend for the disrespect.
But that whole thing was like that last straw for me and why I'm in the process of "checking out" and completely disengaging from my SS. I was in the same room as my SS for maybe an hour the whole weekend he cussed my husband out about so why I'm the bad guy because I sat at the dinner table with him. I made my husband cook the next dinner and I haven't washed his clothes since. My husband hasn't washed his clothes either, but he has enough clothes to last him a couple of weekends of being here so I'm sure I won't hear about that one for a little while longer.
Sorry for the long reply, but I just got going.
Yeah, my SS was freaking out
Yeah, my SS was freaking out the next weekend that he came over. He had a whole week to reflect on what he had said to his dad so he was bawling the whole way home from the moment my husband went and picked him up. It was not the most fun weekend for him.
At 207 pounds at the age of
At 207 pounds at the age of 10, get the kid a gym membership for Easter. Or you could take all the unopened gifts out of his room and put them in an Easter basket. Didn't you know the Easter bunny and Santa are friends?
We actually DO pay for a gym
We actually DO pay for a gym membership for him. The gym we go to has a thing that you can buy 10 visits for $50. Since we only have him at our house 4 days a month, it's way cheaper this way. BM and SS live over an hour away so she's definitely not going to be bringing him to the gym so we do what we can so he can have a place to be "active" while he is with us. There is a pool there and that's the one physical activity that he enjoys doing so we kind of jump on that one.
That's great you've found an
That's great you've found an activity he likes, I always maintain that with so many different activities and sports there will be something for everyone, you've just got to keep looking. If you can try exposing him to more sports and activities until he has a few that he really enjoys it will be really good for his self esteem as well as his health. Even if his weight doesn't improve now, if he has some active hobbies they may be his salvation once he is an adult and decides to do something for himself about his weight. Off the top of my head I would think that climbing or cycling are good activities to try. They are ones he and his dad can do together and can be non-competitive (would also give you a break from him on his weekends with you). Maybe you could suggest that your husband gets SS a course in learning a new activity or some new exercise clothes for the gym, using Easter as an excuse to encourage him to get out and move more.
It's really hard to get him
It's really hard to get him into a formal class/activity. We only have him EOW. I know if court goes how we want and we get him during his summer break from school, we will be putting him in formal swim lessons.
I know in the last 5 years, he's been in soccer, baseball, football, boy scouts, etc, but he's never completed anything because he starts telling BM that he doesn't like it (and starts crying like a baby) and she stops making him go. I was so excited for him to be in baseball because that is my favorite sport and anytime it was our weekend and we drove an hour to get him to practice or a game, he'd start bawling as soon as he saw his mom and would tell her he wanted to go home with her. It was such a disappointment for me. He was the oldest on his team and the one who cried like a newborn baby. It was ridiculous.
Not sure what other formal activities that they have available for him that he hasn't already been in. I mean, I guess we could just put him in a sport or activity and not tell BM since it's our time. I think if she wasn't around, he would do better. I know we'll look into it more when we find out how court goes.
That's exactly why I
That's exactly why I suggested climbing or cycling. Neither require a regular commitment, which I know from experience is tricky when the child isn't always there. With climbing he (and dad) will need to do a beginners training course (can be covered in a day or a few shorter sessions at most climbing walls), then once they know what they are doing, most climbing walls allow you to go along and climb whenever you like (just like a public swimming pool) and you can hire all the equipment when you go. Cycling, you'll need bikes (you could hire them or buy second hand if you don't already have them) but you can look out of the window in the morning and decide it looks nice and go on a bike ride, or even go after school when the days are getting longer. Any activities where you can get dad and him exercising together might be good bonding time and setting a good example for SS. Tennis or other racket sports are good, once you know the basics you can hire a court for an hour and go and mess around or how about golf, go to a driving range? My husband loves skateboarding, or swimming is good, or perhaps just taking long walks together can be nice, a time to unwind and have a conversation. I know it can be tricky to think of new things to do, try asking around what your friends and family enjoy doing to get them active and see if you can all join in if it sounds good. Sorry if this all sounds preachy just wanted to add a few more suggestions for you. We are struggling with an overweight child and parents who do not want to coordinate. Currently as SD is only slightly overweight I have been told the excuse that it is only natural seeing as both her mom and dad are large, I don't see that as a reason to resign her to the same fate but it's not my child, I can only keep suggesting things. I understand the frustrations.
Thanks for the suggestions!
Thanks for the suggestions! Our gym actually does have a rock climbing wall so I will have to look into it and see when children are able to do it. Our gym is geared toward adult people so a lot of the activities aren't available to children especially ones my SS's age and younger.
I think going for a bike ride would make my husband more pissed off at my SS than anything. My SS has never had to learn how to ride a bike. His mom still has training wheels on his bike at her house (if he even still has a bike at her house) and before my husband and I got married, my husband was living with my MIL who refused to let my husband take the training wheels off my SS's bike because "it's not worth the fight." We haven't had a bike for him since we've gotten married, but I guess I could bring it up? Maybe the Easter Bunny can bring that for him (his birthday is in the winter so it would get forgotten about if we got it for him then). haha
Even though that's a WAY bigger present than Easter bunnies normally bring to our house since that won't fit into a basket. I don't know.....
I'm just hoping court goes well so we have more time to do all these different things over the summer with him. 48 hours every other weekend when we have other weekend plans and family events that come into play makes it really hard to fit the one-on-one activities in.
He'd get irritated that his
He'd get irritated that his son would be crying if he was "forced" to ride a bike first of all. And second of all, he would be irritated if/when his son started crying over the fact that he doesn't have training wheels on the bike.
Both my husband and I learned how to ride a bike without training wheels when we were in kindergarten (around 5 years old) so we have that expectation, I guess.
Re-gift him some of the
Re-gift him some of the unopened items in his room. I wouldn't lift a finger or pay a single red cent for anything additional to an ungrateful brat like that.
Personally I think your SS
Personally I think your SS should have a basket too. Ten is not too old to have a basket or enjoy Easter. I still make my son 12, and my SSs who are 20 and 21 baskets and I actually still hide them all over the house/yard and make them find the baskets. They balk at it every year but I secretly thing they like it.
Can you/your husband do a small basket with small things like Pokémon cards or UNO or something like that. Or pool toys? You don't need to fill it with candy.
My dads side of the family
My dads side of the family still does this. Though now in the eggs there can be for pennies to I believe on normally has a $20 bill in it and they typically spend 50-60 putting money in the eggs forcing the older children to be involved.
Yeah, I have friends who have
Yeah, I have friends who have kids my SS's age and they weigh 1/3rd of what he does (60ish lbs). It's really sad. It's just so sad to see my SS wanting to sit and watch YouTube videos all day and having a nervous breakdown at the mere mention of going to the park and my friends' kids begging their parents to let them go play outside and being tired of snow days that keep them cooped up, etc.