New here! Need advice... Don't want to do this anymore :(
First off... This site is awesome! I can't tell you how much of a relief it is to know that I am in fact NOT evil or alone in how I feel about my step monsters. I moved across the country a little more than a year ago to be a family with my (then unborn) son and his father. We'd done the long distance thing for awhile with his job bringing him to my side of the country every few months. I knew he had kids, and wow was I naive about what being a step mom would really be like. He has two boys, 4 and 6. They are rude, they are mean, they are disrespectful, they have no manners, and of course they are complete slobs. According to them, they are allowed to act this way, say the things they say, blah blah blah at their mom's house. While my SO recognizes the behavioral issues (or at least says he does) he hasn't done anything about it. I find myself playing disciplinarian because, frankly, I won't be walked on in my own home. I was not raised like this, and I'm disgusted at how he and their mom parent these boy and I'm terrified that our son is going to eventually pick up in these behaviors. I took a 'break' from school (pursuing a nursing degree) to move 3000 miles from home to be a 'family' with the idea that after our son was born I would apply to colleges here to finish my degree. That hasn't happened. I feel like I live for everyone else. I have made no secrets about how I feel about his kids and he knows that this is tearing us apart. Add to all that, I could move home at any time with full support from my family and finish my education, with or without my SO. My family doesn't dislike him but they don't agree with the situation with his kids or the responsibility he AND his family have put on me in regards to his children. Yeah... His family thinks I need to step up and solve these children's problems. What the hell do I do? I love him and I feel selfish for wanting out of this situation. I mean, 3000 miles is a lot of distance and I just don't see him coming with me or putting the effort in to see our son if I do go. If it weren't for our son I would've walked away a long time ago. I don't know what to do. I can't take much more of this and I have put my foot down and disengaged but I'm still miserable but afraid to pull the trigger. I'm terrified of the heartache I would cause for everyone involved if I did leave. Has anyone here actually left with a shared child involved? Would it make me a bad mom to walk away from my child's father? Ugh... It is exhausting to always feel like this.
This site really IS awesome,
This site really IS awesome, isn't it? Can you imagine the judgmental clucking and lecturing you'd get for saying what you said above to some people? Good golly. I like that I can come on here and vent and let out all the things about being a stepmother that drive me insane.
I don't understand why some parents (especially dads) expect the new person in their life to just automatically jump in and take care of their kids. My DH was the same way to an extent, at least at first. He seemed to expect me to be thrilled at the thought of babysitting my three stepmonsters when he had somewhere else he needed to be when they were with us.
My skids are rude, messy, whiny, needy brats. I'm not gonna beat around the bush. They're horrible.
I didn't spend enough time with them before DH and I got married (I lived separately before the wedding, then sold my house and moved in with DH with my own two children), and I didn't see beforehand how out of control they were. I own that mistake 100%. I hate to say it, but if I'd known how bad they were, I would've probably just dated my DH indefinitely, because living with those kids every other week is a freaking nightmare.
I have nothing to do with my skids' care, really, in any way. I do my own thing, and if the skids need something - or need somewhere to stay because DH isn't here - that's up to DH and/or BM to work out. I've made it abundantly clear that I am NOT a babysitter. I don't expect my DH to care for my children when I'm at work, and I certainly am not about to take on that responsibility for his kids, either. If they weren't such a nightmare to be around, I might consider it, but they treat me like crap - and even more so when DH isn't around - and I'm not going to spend a single second around those kids that I don't absolutely have to. It's not because I don't like children - I have two myself - but these kids are just impossible to deal with. They have no respect for anyone or anything.
Regardless of what your SO and his family think, you are NOT responsible for those kids. HE is. What would he do about their care if you weren't in the picture? He'd have to work something out, and he should still be expected to work something out, whether you're around or not.
You should NOT be expected to put your education and future on hold for somebody else's children. I fear you may never get back to your pursuits if you don't either leave or put your foot down NOW. And if you stay at home with your child, that doesn't make it okay for him to dump his kids on you willy nilly. Just my opinion, though. Some parents get too comfortable with that arrangement and expect it to remain that way forever, and if your SO does that, you can forget ever going back to school.
The longer you put up with this, the harder it will be to either leave or say enough is enough!
"I didn't spend enough time
"I didn't spend enough time with them before DH and I got married (I lived separately before the wedding, then sold my house and moved in with DH with my own two children), and I didn't see beforehand how out of control they were. I own that mistake 100%. I hate to say it, but if I'd known how bad they were, I would've probably just dated my DH indefinitely, because living with those kids every other week is a freaking nightmare."
my mistake too. i had no clue that i would be placed at the bottom of dh priorities like the framed posters and furniture and lamps.
Agree completely with
Agree completely with NCgal1980, you can NOT put your education on hold, the longer you wait and put it off, the hard it will be to complete it, and the last thing you want to be is a woman with children who does not have a finished degree and a way to earn a living ON YOUR OWN .
Girls, don't let your babies grow up to be housewives ! ( one of the greatest articles I have ever read, google for it, from the NY times ). No matter how much in love you are, you MUST have plan B. And C. And D on top of it.
So you need to do whatever you need to do to finish your degree. That has to be the total top priority. Your DH has to support you, take responsibility and give you the freedom to pursue your schooling. Otherwise - bye bye baby. bye bye. I would move back and do what I have to do. You must disengage from kids and force DH to take care of his own spawn .
talk about spawn... BM aka the toxic dwarf of my 2 lovely SKIDS does not " authorize " me being alone with them ( hahaha...they live in my house for 2 years now ) so I too no longer babysit, if DH has to go somewhere, he can schlep them along or drop them off at the toxic dwards rental shack. I just LOVE these skids free evenings, love them !
Spawn lol yeah that's a good
Spawn lol yeah that's a good description! My biggest obstacle right now is my guilt. We dated for two years before I became pregnant and I had never seen this type of behavior out of him. Or his spawn lol on the few occasions I had spent time with them before moving out here. I tried to do it all though... Set up structure, set rules and consequences, plan quality time for us as a family etc. etc. but in doing so I've really created a monster of the whole situation because now it is excepted of me. I really had no idea this would end up feeling so unatural and frustrating.
I've gotten some harsh advice. I don't like to hear but it isn't too far from the truth. I have made excuses for not getting my butt back in school. I'm exhausted and worn down. I do love my SO (and yes I do know what love is) and he does have some incredibly qualities. Parenting is not one of them. I know he feels a lot of guilt about what his kids go through at their mom's and spoils them as a way to make up for that. I can't get through to him though, not when it comes to his children. Those conversations are really hard on him and he generally just ends up shutting me out when I bring it up.
So now I've created this situation by trying to be super step mom only to crash and burn. I don't want to break up my family. I was told that obviously it happens all the time because this is a step parent site. Yeah... Obviously. I can't fathom breaking up a family without a very valid reason. I'm here because I'm fighting with the vailildity of my reasoning. I have a business degree, I'm capable of supporting my son, even though I really dont enjoy being in business management. Hence the reason im 28 and still in school, or should I say, in school again. Maybe my question should've been: if you had to do it over again would you face the heartache of breaking up a family or would you stick it out knowing you'll probably be, at most, only quasi happy and content for the rest of your life?