Don't know how to feel - update on "Now I've done it..."
Some of you may remember my post last month. My selfish SD24 accepted our monetary gift toward her wedding expenses right before posting on Facebook how NO ONE is helping her pay for anything. I spoke up and told her that her comments on FB were rude, to have her tell me I'm judgmental and never to speak to her again. She texted her dad, saying that she intended to speak with him about his "wife" when he comes for a visit the following month, and how she wants nothing to do with me from now on. Well....he just got back from his 4-day trip to see her. We didn't have much opportunity to speak during the time he was gone, so of course my thoughts were wild with anxiety about the awful things she must be saying about me to him. Before he left, he asked me to trust him. He said he planned to have a heart to heart with her about her out-of-control behavior and ask her to treat me with respect. I never asked him if they had the talk, but when I picked him up from the airport he volunteered, "well I talked to her." He proceeded to tell me that she feels bad about what happened, and started to cry. (HARD to believe) According to DH, SD believes I hate her because I must think she's exactly like her mother (this is fabricated in her mind, I've had very limited contact with her mother, so I don't have much to compare her to). My SD told DH that I attacked her when I told her that her public comments about receiving no monetary help for her wedding were rude, and she said her comments weren't meant for him and I. I became disappointed when DH took the diplomatic approach and explained to her that comments on FB have no emotional inflection so perhaps I took what she said wrong and she took what I said wrong. WHAT!? I didn't take what she said wrong at all, and he knows it. Then he went through with the same old speech of "your stepmother loves you more than you know, and really wants to have a relationship with you, yadda yadda yadda..." He said he is hopeful that she'll send me a new friend request on FB. Way to have my back, dear hubby. So I told him "she's blocked from my FB. I no longer wish to have a FB connection with her, as this has caused numerous problems. If she would like to approach me to have a relationship she can write me an old fashioned letter or call me on the phone." He was mad, and said, "well what is she going to think if she sends you a friend request and finds out she's blocked?" I told him, I'm tired of catering to her feelings when she doesn't give a poop about mine. I really don't have a desire to unblock her from FB. On the other hand, I don't want to be the one standing in the way of reconciliation...that just makes me the target of DH's disappointment instead of where it truly should lie. What do you all think? Do I keep her blocked and maintain my sanity or do I keep playing the stupid game for everyone else's sake?
Your DH can create his own FB
Your DH can create his own FB page and do a friend request HIMSELF....like over 500 MILLION people around the world have managed to figure out.
YOU don't have to do a damn thing. YOUR FB, YOUR CHOICES. His kids, his problem.
What does FB have to do with
What does FB have to do with real relationships? Keep her blocked if that's what you want.
Like you said, if she wants to communicate with you, there are better and real ways to do it.
To be honest, I think he was
To be honest, I think he was selective in what he shared with me about their conversation. I truly believe he avoided "the talk" as long as possible until she unleashed on him about me. I think he only told me what he WANTS to believe she said. She probably did cry, but not because she felt bad about being rude to me...but more to manipulate her daddy into feeling I had wronged her. I understand he feels caught in the middle, and I wouldn't expect him to tell her to take a hike, but I was disappointed when he pulled the whole "maybe northstreet misunderstood you crap" It should have been as simple as, "darling daughter, what you said was rude, period." Well I told him that I realize she didn't like what I had to say, but I approached her in a mature, respectful PRIVATE manner. I told him she's always spouting off about wanting to be treated like an adult. I told him then she needs to act like one, and not respond publicly to all her friends with, My "stepmother" is assuming shit about me, and being judgmental, and I'm DONE!" Those are not the words of someone who wishes to make things right with me... I think I'm feeling better about just keeping her blocked. It's probably unlikely she'd even send me the friend request that her father hopes she will anyway. It's so nice having her blocked, I feel like I can comment on family photos and posts without being criticized by her, and there's no risk of me accidentally offending her by my actions or non-actions.
^^ THIS ^^ I'm glad you
I'm glad you figured it out first. It sounds to me your DH told you "sort of" what you wanted to hear. I'm sure he "sort of" told SD what she wanted to hear. He's playing both sides, probably with good intentions.
Disengage. If the money's gone, it's gone; consider it your $1,000 lesson. Make good choices to disengage from here on out.
Be kind to yourself, she certainly doesn't intend to.
"Maybe north street
"Maybe north street misunderstood you"--this makes me mad as he is placing the cause of this unpleasant interaction on you. Why is it that this is caused by you misunderstanding your SD? What is there to misunderstand? She clearly stated on FB for the world to see that she has received no monetary assistance for her wedding. Then she back-peddles and said that comment wasn't intended towards you and your DH; that's an outright lie. She got caught and now she's trying to re-frame what she said in order to keep daddy in line while placing all the blame on you when in fact, SD is the one who started all of this. My DH has been known to do this kind of BS when it involves me and his precious little princess. It's so easy for these guilty daddies to blame their partners while making excuse after excuse for their evil spawn/golden eggs. Instead of DH telling his adult brat that you misunderstood her, he should've told SD that she shouldn't post lies for the world to see and then he should've proceeded to ask her how you guys were supposed to know that the post wasn't meant towards you. Of course that would never happen as these fathers want to believe every lie that is uttered out of their brats evil little mouths.
My DH said one day "I wish my wife would get along with my DD". Ha! What a crock of shit. His evil brat was the one who decided she didn't like me and never wants to see me again when I did nothing to her. She said this out of the blue. What DH should've said was "I wish my DD wasn't such an unreasonable bitch, attacking my wife and myself for no reason".
Keep her blocked. Facebook is
Keep her blocked. Facebook is not responsible for facilitating her relationships. She can write you a note or letter, just like billions of people have done in the past. Your DH threw you under the bus. No need to cater to his silly FB hopes and dreams.
Good idea. Get it out and
Good idea. Get it out and open right now. If it doesn't resolve anything then say to your DH, I tried and I am done trying. The end.
She cried! OK then she knows
She cried! OK then she knows she made a mistake and is sorry for it. You've set forth some very minimum terms of forgiveness. Jeeze how easy is a phone call or a letter?
If she can't do one or the other than she's not being truthful. I think you should pray she doesn't so you don't have to reengage.
Facebook is ridiculous - being "Liked" on Facebook is like sitting at the "cool" table at the insane asylum.
This comment: "your SM loves
This comment: "your SM loves you more than you know" :sick: :sick: :sick:
:jawdrop: :jawdrop: :jawdrop:
Imagining your DH saying this to SD makes me sick! By saying this it shows me that he is purely kissing her ass. Does he think that by saying this that it will touch step-devils little heart and make her want to be nice to you and respect you because now you "love" her more than words can say? In my mind, this is an invitation for her to mistreat you even more. It makes it sound like you are at home pining away for her love and acceptance. Disgusting to say the least. I bet he kissed her ass the whole time they talked.
"My "stepmother" is assuming
"My "stepmother" is assuming shit about me, and being judgmental, and I'm DONE!" Those are not the words of someone who wishes to make things right with me..." No, she is definitely NOT trying to make things right. As the others have said, she owes you and apologetic letter or phone call. I am glad to see you are standing firm about not 're-friending' her.
My DH was a fence sitter also and it was frustrating. SD had the same immature, entitled attitude your SD does. I am SO glad I do not have anything to do with her anymore. And DH? Well, since he didn't have my or SD's back either, it appears she thinks he has betrayed her so she has nothing to do with him either. In time your SD will disown DH also. Sad, but this is the consequence of not doing what is right in the first place.
My stepdaughter and her dh
My stepdaughter and her dh unfriended me on fb also. I am glad because I did not want either of them as friends. Only accepted to keep the peace.lol It came back to bite her when stepgradnson was born. I would not accept a friend request from either of them now.
FaceBook is nothing more than
FaceBook is nothing more than FakeBook! It causes so much trouble, not just in step families but in intact families as well. People get offended at the slightest comment, make assumptions on anything said....it's really crazy and then it's called a connection. Connection? What connection??
I think your husband was trying to ease both sides but I wonder how to the point he was and how much of the SD tears were actually for daddy. I don't know your step daughter but I have 2 stepsons I have been thru heck and back with. My thoughts are to leave her blocked. She's been an issue and I have a hard time thinking she is going to turn her act around now. Maybe I am not giving her enough credit. I just know in my own situations with SSs I forgave and forgave but the hate never stopped. I finally had to stop it myself and I did so by disconnecting from them completely.
I went to counseling and told my counselor about my 17 year nightmare with my SSs. She told me to have nothing to do with them. They are looking for any reason to blame me. She said their issue is about their parents' divorce but they cannot confront that or accept it so they have to blame me. She told me that I could have done everything by the book and I woudl still be in the wrong in their eyes.
I believe that your SD needs to come to terms with her parents' divorce before she can accept you. Unfortunately that day may nevr come so do what makes you happy and consider SD as part of your life.
Some people have no courage
Some people have no courage for confrontation and conflict even if it is the right thing to do.
Conflict like criticism can be a positive thing. Avoiding it does nothing but prolong the problem.
Your DH seems to be lacking the sack to confront the problem directly with his daughter.
My condolences.