disengaging techniques
Forums:
I have a SS8 he's young enough and doesn't have his BM around that he needs me sometimes but I'm having a hard time figuring out a balance.
Does anyone live with their SSkid fulltime and what do you do to disengage appropriately with an elementary school kid.
I'm doing a few things here and there but I just can't outright ignore the child. I don't want to give him a complex that no women love him or something of the sort.
Every situation is different
Every situation is different and I have learned that a lot of disengagement has to do with your own needs and not putting yourself in a position to be taken advantage of or that can cause resentment.
Some people are fully disengaged and after reading their reasons why I completely understand. In my case, my level of disengagement has to do with the simple fact that I am not the mom. It's different from your situation because DH has 50/50 vs. full time, but every other week skids are here for seven days.
I don't ignore Skids. If they ask for help with homework, I am happy to help. I do not log on to the school website and check their homework/grades- parent job. I make dinner most nights- I do not force them to eat x amount- parent's job. I do most of the shopping and make sure there is shampoo/toothpaste in the house, I do not keep track of their personal hygiene- parent's job. If they ask me to color/do an activity, I am happy to do it, I don't tell them they have had too much TV/computer time- parent job
So, can you see the difference? I am happy to do things that I do for my home but no longer care more than my DH.
^This^ is a great example.
^This^ is a great example. You do what you like only because YOU WANT TO DO IT. Disengaging isn't about ignoring the children, but about taking care of yourself and leaving the other stuff for the parents.
AskYour - I am going to
AskYour - I am going to follow your lead when SD comes to live with us. I used to do EVERYTHING for SS, it didn't end well. So this time around, if it happens, I will play by a whole different set of rules.
Disengaging from kids was not
Disengaging from kids was not because of anything the kids or my DH did, for me, it was because I did too much. Disengagement has been a wonderful adjustment for everyone. DH parents the way he sees fit (and sometimes I do roll my eyes, but you know what, the kids are healthy and safe and thriving so it works, I don't know everything) I am not the bad guy, I'm the fun one who colors and plays board games and DH is the mean one who tells them to take showers muahahahah }:)
This is all so difficult
This is all so difficult though! The 11 year old in my house has pissed me off every single day to the point where I come home, say hi.. Get dinner and go to my room. It FEELS wrong but it's the only way I can keep my blood pressure from going through the roof every night.
I guess if I were in your
I guess if I were in your shoes, without knowing what the 11 year old did...
I would advise you to think about what the 11 year old did/is doing to upset you, is it something that can be corrected with proper teaching or consequences? Is it a consequence you can dole out, or something you will need your DH to handle? (for example, squeezing all of your shampoo and conditioner bottles out on purpose- if it's destroying your things, you have every right to hand down a consequence, IMO, vs. if your 11 year old made a facebook without permission- parent's job to hand out consequence)
If it's something that you need your DH to handle, then disengage from the skid until they correct the behavior and then if you feel like you want to engage again do it with different boundaries/expectations this time.
My 17 year old SD lives with
My 17 year old SD lives with us, so obviously not elementary school! Like askYOURdad though, I'm more than happy to help her with stuff if asked and include her in stuff I do for the house, but I don't *parent*. So, if I'm making lunch for the bios (or myself) I'll ask her if she wants some. I do not do her laundry. (I don't do DH's either! I will, if asked, throw something in with a load I'm doing though.) If SD asks me to look over her homework I'll certainly do it. If she wants to know what time she has to be home on Saturday night I tell her to ask her dad. I talk to her, much as I would to any other family member ("How's it going, how was your day, I heard this thing that's so funny and thought of you, yada yada yada"). I offer advice, encouragement, praise. I do NOT lay down the law or discipline. There's a HUGE difference between helping with homework when asked and telling them to go do their homework!
I guess what works for me is thinking of the SDs like nieces, or young cousins. Family, sure, but not my kid!
Ok I guess I got so tired of
Ok I guess I got so tired of them for a week or so and push pull behaviors that my SO thinks I completely shut SS8 out.
I'm not really a talkative person period and when I had roommates I didn't really talk to them other to be like "hey" "bye" if that, i stayed to myself.
I told SO i'm not mean to the child, he seems to think I'm truly hurting the kid.
ugh
I talk to him if he talks to me. I make dinner, I usually ask a few short questions and then go about my business.
IDK I'm kinda all in or barely there. If he asked me to play a game with him, then I might or at least say "maybe soon but not right now" if it wasn't the right time.
There are some days where i
There are some days where i just don't want to make eye contact, it's not like he's talking to me he just stays within one foot of his father and it's annoying. I don't look at him while he's doing all this or acknowledge that he's trying to be irritating.
SO and I sat down and came up with a code word for when I think he's doing something creepy or annoying on purpose ... i explained it's usually a sequence of things before i realize or come to a conclusion that that's what his purpose was - maybe it's not his purpose IDK but it's annoying enough to drive someone insane.
So I'm supposed to use the code word in a sentence easy enough to tip off SO to be paying attention to SS.
You got a lot of good advise
You got a lot of good advise so far and I can't add more to it. I do want to remind you that the kid has bio-parents and if they fail --- well so have millions of others. Some people should not have kids. You can't save them all and you can only go so far in saving any one of them. The "one" here being your step.
Am I to understand from your last comment that it bugs you that the kid sticks to Daddy sometimes and that irritates you? If so try to wipe that away. The kid has enough problems without Daddy being told by you via a code word that Daddy needs to push the kid away. He'll outgrow his need to be clingy as he becomes more comfortable with the situation.
Eventually of course you'll find yourself being ignored. Don't come back complaining because that's the normal outcome. When you ignore someone they'll ignore you. The fact that he'll be doing it in irritating ways can't be considered. In effect you'll deserve it. Most women who have tried hard to "mother" a step-child, find it impossible, then disengage, are fully ready to be ignored. As long as you are also then its not a problem. Just saying......
Thanks for this "Am I to
Thanks for this
"Am I to understand from your last comment that it bugs you that the kid sticks to Daddy sometimes and that irritates you? If so try to wipe that away. The kid has enough problems without Daddy being told by you via a code word that Daddy needs to push the kid away. He'll outgrow his need to be clingy as he becomes more comfortable with the situation."
I hoping that he'll grow out of it some like you so say . he usually clings to his dad then gives me a dirty look while be super extra charming to dad. that's the irritating part. Or if his dad has been talking to me or paying me any sort of attention at all he clings right to him in order to get attention.
i agree about the can't complain that I'll be ignored, I guess right now I want to find a balance b/c we are ok sometimes but I never know when that's gonna be and I feel like this kid has the power to just be super sweet gain my trust and then do really shitty things like he has before. Thats why i just want to disengage. I guess with time I'll figure it out and take the advice above of not really doing too much.
the clingy stuff is enough to
the clingy stuff is enough to drive you bat shit crazy some days.
yss10 does this. he has to be talking non-stop to dh, no one else is allowed to have a conversation w/ dh w/o him inserting himself ("what?" "what'd u say" "i wanna know!") no one can do anything w/ dh w/o him inserting himself ("what r u doing?" "i waaannaa do it!") if dh is more than 3 feet from him it's like an alarm goes off inside him. dh goes to pee- "daddyyy????" dh steps oustide for a second- "have you seen daddyyyy?" "where's daadyyyy?????"
of course, his older brothers reply to him "i dont freaking know, yss." "was i talking to you?" "go away nobody asked you" but an adult cannot respond like that.
lord knows i cant even have a 10 minute adult conversation with dh- we'll usually both step outside when we both get home to touch base with eachother. yss of course is out there within 30 seconds and any adult subject matters are immediately squashed.
gawd it gets annoying.
OP- sorry no real advice, just commiseration on that particular point. i hear ya girl.....
hahah thanks lady!! He's
hahah thanks lady!!
He's been trying to interrupt in the kitchen while we are cooking and the kitchen is small so one night I was like "you guys make dinner together" then later I asked the kid "did you enjoy making dinner with dad?" "NO!" I laughed and said some light hearted things. I don't even think he really LIKES dad that much he just doesn't want anyone else getting attention LORD LOL
I know misery - well I hear when they turn 10 or so they don't want to be involved as much which is kinda bitter sweet.
it can be sweet sometimes and others just annoying as hell I'm not wishing him to grow up too fast just calm the hell down.
LOL
i wish 10 was a magic age.
i wish 10 was a magic age. then yss woulda quit 6 months ago... and yet he shows no signs of letting up.
oh no
oh no
team effort - I like that.
team effort - I like that. "disengagement is being free of the control they attempted to engage on me; thus I feel good about myself and my marriage." i think that speaks volumes of the frustration.
thanks for the advice
I have been a step mom for 2
I have been a step mom for 2