Skids didn't attend BM's baby shower
BM's mom sent DH an email about a month ago asking if he would drop the girls by for BM's baby shower as a surprise for her. He said we had a birthday party (my nephew's, who is the same age as SD7 and to whom both skids are very close) at the same time but he'll see if we can work something out.
The week after the invite, BM and DH reached a new custody agreement, giving BM the week prior so that the girls could attend a spa day appointment she made. She INSISTED on this weekend so they could have this bonding time. She went so far as to say she had made a nonrefundable deposit to get the appointment on 2/17 (President's Day). So DH agreed.
Needless to say, skids never attended the spa day. BM told them the spa wasn't open on President's Day.
We skipped the baby shower. BM lives an hour away. Skids would have had about 45 minutes at the birthday party before driving over an hour (my sister lives further) to catch the last 30-45 minutes of the baby shower. Just didn't make sense.
BM sent a scathing email yesterday saying that skids need to be included in all major events and that the baby shower should've taken precedence over a "random kid's" birthday party. Went on to say he had over a month's notice and the only reason he didn't bring them was to be spiteful.
I thought BM didn't know about it; thought it was a surprise? LOL .. clearly she used her mom as a pawn in her manipulation game and it didn't work.
DH replied that he agreed skids should be included in all important family functions, on both sides of the family. But that he didn't realize the baby shower was so important to her since she never reached out to him to work something out. Told her in the future he's happy to work out schedules between PARENTS to ensure skids are included in as many things as possible, but that since baby showers are typically for adults, he didn't realize she had any expectation of them attending.
Sometimes I think everyone on
Sometimes I think everyone on this site is overly paranoid and suspicious. Just because the BM knew the skids were invited by her mom doesn't mean she knew all along. Perhaps once they didn't show, her mom told her what she had done and what their father said. Also, in a low conflict situation, the man would have explained the issues with grandma and told her ahead of time why they couldn't be there. Does he owe anyone this? No, but it's what normal communicating people do. If he had done that it might not have blown up at all. He is deflecting the issue by acting like grandma has anything to do with this. So what if she was the one who made contact? The problem here is that he did not communicate with her after he said, "he'll see if we can work something out."
Maybe the shower was a
Maybe the shower was a surprise.
It's possible she found out about her mom calling dad and his response at the shower. This BM doesn't strike me as one to sit back and wait to see if dad would bring the girls. She seems like the type to deny visitation or go MIA during the scheduled pickup time. The fact that she didn't monkey around with the visit leads me to believe she was in the dark about the shower. I can understand mom striking out at dad if her mother was hurt by his actions.
Dad was under no obligation to have the girls at the shower, but he could have at least let grandma know they wouldn't be there.
BM planned the shower, it was
BM planned the shower, it was not a surprise. BM's mom reached out to DH to ask him to bring the girls as a surprise for BM. He said he'd try to work it out.
He DID call and leave a voicemail for her mom about 3 days before the shower to let her know. Never heard back from her, but we assumed she got the message.
Why didn't DH tell grandma
Why didn't DH tell grandma they wouldn't be there? Kind of rude to say yes then not follow up. Kind of let Grandma holding the bag. BMs involvement is not applicable. In fact, the scathing email should have been from Grandma to DH.
But he said he'll try. He
But he said he'll try. He knew he wasn't going to make it. It was his responsibility to call Granny. Why should she have to hound him about it? Oh that's right, because he's a typical male who cannot handle the slightest of social graces.
I am generalizing the
I am generalizing the etiquette of men. Nothing to do with parenting.
He did tell her .. well left
He did tell her .. well left a voicemail for her. I left that part out of my original post, but he definitely DID let her know. His initial response to her was that he'd try to work something out but he'd talk to her a little closer to the event to work out times and details.
He did. 3 days prior he
He did. 3 days prior he called BM's mom and left a voicemail. I left that part out because I didn't think it relevant to the underlying (and consistent) behavior from BM.
None of this matter matters.
None of this matter matters. If she/BM or whoever wanted the kids to be at her baby shower, the shower should have been scheduled on MOM'S TIME.
Grandma knows the contentious relationship between the two. I don't buy her playing stupid about it now.
THIS Yet another reason why
THIS
Yet another reason why I think mom was in the dark on this one. Maybe the planners didn't realize it was dad's weekend until it was too late to make any changes.
BM has caused all sorts of problems for the OP's husband. She uses any little excuse to keep those kids away from their dad. The fact that she didn't do anything leading up to the shower isn't normal for her.
Maybe this really was just an honest mistake on the planners part.
BM planned the shower. She
BM planned the shower. She knew all about it. Skids knew the shower was that weekend and that they weren't attending.
BM's mom lives with her so she is very familiar with the custody schedule.
If they just settled on a new
If they just settled on a new agreement as far as time, bmp had no expectation of having the skids there. She already demanded a specific time for something that never happened (big surprise, I know).
If the "we will try" happened before the agreement was set, grandma should have followed up. There's no way bmp didn't communicate what's happening with her. This is just another attempt to create problems.
Exactly. But the answer is
Exactly. But the answer is that it was set up before the custody got switched around I'm guessing and then it was switched so BM could have them for a 'spa day'.
Why didn't Granny come get her or send someone to get SD if it was so important? If I want my Grandkids somewhere, I plan on being the one to go get them and return them back home unless one of the kids offer to meet me or pick up. They have their own lives and things to do so I do the do/pu if I want them.
No way we would drive an hour
No way we would drive an hour to take SD to something for BM. Especially when it SHOULD have been BM's weekend but she changed it for a 'spa day' that was actually a lie.
If they want the kids there so bad? Ask if you can come pick them up & bring them to the shower. Don't ask somebody to go out of there way on their time with their child to appease a BM who JUST lied to swap weekends.
This was a baby shower for
This was a baby shower for BM? Like the skids unborn sibling?
Maybe I don't have enough back story on your situation but I would think that the kids should have absolutely 100% been at their mothers baby shower regardless of what other plans were set for that day. That is their mother and their sibling. I don't get it...am I alone here in my thinking? LOL
Like I said, maybe I don't know your situation enough to understand...
I personally think it's tacky
I personally think it's tacky to have a third baby shower in the first place. In my experience, no one brings children to a shower, even if they are siblings-to-be.
BM never asked for the skids to attend; her mother did.
BM planned a "spa day" to have bonding time with the skids prior to the new baby coming along. She never planned or expressed any interest in having the skids attend.
I also think its tacky to
I also think its tacky to have a shower for any after your first kid. In my experience kids always come to baby showers, maybe that's just my family though. We are all weird and uncomfortably close LOL.
Spa day seems like a farce, I don't know BM obviously but I can see now why maybe you wouldn't want the kids to go.
I also think its tacky to
I also think its tacky to have a shower for any after your first kid. In my experience kids always come to baby showers, maybe that's just my family though. We are all weird and uncomfortably close LOL.
Spa day seems like a farce, I don't know BM obviously but I can see now why maybe you wouldn't want the kids to go.
I think it's tacky to have a
I think it's tacky to have a shower after your first baby and it's REALLy tacky when your mother, sister or other close relative gives it to you. What ever happened to friends?
I am thinking this too and
I am thinking this too and was getting ready to respond with this.
I mean really what is more important, Mom's babyshower or cousin's birthday party?
Ha, I see this differently
Ha, I see this differently based on my experiences: BM plotted to get the long weekend with the kids, even though it wasn't her weekend. THEN she had her mom ask for the shower weekend, which was also on dad's time because she knew he'd say no since she just took his time away with the kids for the long weekend. It backfired.
Good for you guys for not sending them to the shower, I've seen this played out a lot of times, we anticipate it now and say no to all requests. That has been what works for us. You have to be firm, but it's the only way to get rid of them.
Edit: and if she REALLY wanted them there, she would have planned the shower on HER time... This was a power play.
I dunno. On the one hand,
I dunno. On the one hand, yeah, your weekend so your call. If the shower was that important then it should have been scheduled during her time. For what it's worth, my son didn't attend his (much older) half sister's baby shower because his (same age) cousin was having a birthday party. So I get that part. Although I do think your DH should have let Gramma know the skids wouldn't be coming, rather than just not showing up.
On the other hand, the fact that you had to add all that bit about the spa day that wasn't sort of makes me think BM was right in this case - it was payback on your part. And that kind of sucks, since you put your own outrage and need to make her pay the primary focus instead of what was best for the kids. (Not saying you couldn't have reached the same decision - but the spa day thing is totally irrelevant unless you actually WERE being spiteful over it.)
I only mention the spa day
I only mention the spa day because that was BM's plan for including the skids in a pre-baby bonding experience. She never had any intention of the skids being at the shower as she had made other arrangements for them to be included.
Not the first lie she's told about skids and this pregnancy either. She also told us skids were kept out of school to attend a sibling course at her hospital. Quick call to the hospital confirmed the course is ONLY offered once a month and always on a Saturday.
We're used to BM lying; taking revenge on it is pointless and doesn't resolve anything anyway. She convinces herself she's in the right every.single.time.
DH did let gmom know he wasn't coming 3 days prior.
Agree... payback...maybe even
Agree... payback...maybe even rightfully so. BUT now BM is going to have a payback. Then SM and DH are going to have a payback for that payback. When does it end?
Agreed
Agreed