Why do these Dads allow AWFUL behavior?
So last night I laid it out for DH - I don't know why I haven't done this before, but I was trying to be supportive I guess, and we had so many ongoing issues with his drinking and BM, the skids were almost the least of my worries. I finally told him exactly what I thought about his kids though and he admitted that he has almost no relationship with them and that he feels he has no control over them. Why would you let kids that you have no control of into MY house and around my 3 -year old?! Just a few examples of his kids behavior over the past couple months:
1. SD17 posts on Facebook about me and DH when we got married and then again about DH just recently, allowing her BM's bitter, nasty friends to join in with mean, untrue comments and refusese to delete it, even after admitting "it got out of hand". However, comemnts about BM were deleted immediately. Soon after DH buys SD17 a new laptop and she was nice to him for about a week - still hasn't taken down all the nasty stuff posted online though.
2. SS12 has called his dad every single name in the book - even when he isn't mad at him, his favorite thing to do is to call him "fat" (DH isn't - he is in amazing shape), stupid, and all kinds of other put downs and names. Wonder why my 3 year old has started doing the same thing until I explained that was unacceptable?
3. SD17 CONSTANTLY complains about the car that DH bought her over very minor issues - even after I offered to finance any repairs she wanted down and BM rudely declinded, saying they would fix it themselves and then didn't.
4. The skids threaten to not see DH constantly whenever he doesn't do what they ask - pay SD17's car registration, goes out of town with me, or just doens't do something they said to do. BM and the skids have demanded that DH divorce me numerous times.
5. I did special things for the skids birthdays and bought them really nice Xmas gifts two years in a row. Their birthday trips included a weekend at the beach in a resort and a day long spa day at the Four Seasons, complete with our own cabana. They did not acknowledge or attend SD3's birthday party, have never even said happy birthday to me, and have never even brought me a card for Xmas (oh wait, I think I did get a box of candy one year from the dollar store).
They are spoiled brats who treat their dad and me like crap and are tools for BM to continue controlling DH, and through him, me. Am I out of line to say that after being together for two years, DH should have this shit under control and either tell the skids to shape up or ship out and not have BM in our lives CONSTANTLY? Is it out of line to ask him to block her from email and cell phone, using the house phone for emergencies only, if she can't stop communicating complete non issues (like her opinion on things going on in DH's family, lol?) He is gone, but I just want to know what you think are appropriate requests - he keeps telling me that he is handling it is his own way, which means not at all.
Here are some suggestions: 1.
Here are some suggestions:
1. Don't look at SDs fb postings. Ever. Again.
2. Remove her from your fb friends.
3. Don't let DH suck you back in. He took advantage of you and let his kids do so too.
4. Let him and BM reap what they sowed.
I don't think your
I don't think your requirements are out of line at all. You have been very generous and they sound like nightmares.
fdh has allowed atrocious
fdh has allowed atrocious behavior out of sd for as long as i've been around out of pure laziness. he even said "i don't want to listen to her bitch and whine", when i asked him why he doesn't ever DO anything about her! :jawdrop:
he has finally realized how badly he messed up. he actually parents bs4. i don't like the way he does it and he has a lot to learn, (you don't parent with your temper), but at least he knows he doesn't want bs to end up like sd did as a result of his non existent parenting. not that i would ever let that happen anyway.
He has a very real fear of
He has a very real fear of disengagement. Read this article and you will better understand what is underlying his actions:
http://www.fathersforlife.org/divorce/kruk22.htm
First off, don't try to buy
First off, don't try to buy their friendship. Trust me on this they'll turn on you in a heartbeat. I did the same then it came to be expected instead a kind act. When you can't do it they'll throw you to the dogs. I've been there. Secondly, their dad has not set guidelines all these years why would he start now? You must assert yourself and your position in this family. In the proper manner. My son was only 14 when we got married. My SD was 19, My SS 18. My SD was so sexually permiscuous I had to warn my sons friends when they came over not to bother with her. My son could not even enjoy making friends in a new place. I always had to watch. One day one of his friends came to me and said" I don't want to get anyone in trouble but she is sending me naked pictures." I caught her looking at my sons phone one day while he was showering. I asked her what she was doing. So smart she said I sent him a funny text i wanted to see if it came through. I knew what she did. She got phone numbers so i started looking at the cell phone bill and using highlighters. I saw the pattern. I spoke to her dad and told him what the young man told me. He said his usual"I'll handel it" which means nada. the next day when she woke up and came down for breakfast she had her phone and was texting. I said" may i see your phone?" She said what? Why? I said i would just like to see it please I help pay the bill may I have it. Her father interjected right away and I said ok I'm going to lay it out, where all adults I hope. I told her I know you have been sending pictures to my sons friends. You do realize how young they are don't you? Her father then took her phone and looked at it. She had a password he said give it to me. Not only were there horrible pictures but also disgusting text messages. And not all of them were to people my son knew. I told her I caught you looking at his phone don't lie about it. He made her take off the password and told her leave my sons friends alone. I told her it was disgusting. But that did not satisfy me. I called att and had a data block put on it. She did'nt say anything til about a week later and I told her You cannot send anymore pictures just messages. She ran to her dad but he does not understand electronics like i do and was kind of glad i did it. Sometimes we have to do the right thing.
Thats insane! I would have
Thats insane! I would have been tempted to call the police - if SD is 19, she can be hauled into jail for "sexting" underage kids. Luckily my SD17 is in no way promiscuous, but her mother is literally one of the grossest people I have ever come across. Men emailing 17 years later wondering if SD17 is their daughter, threesomes with some of the yuckiest people I have ever seen, sleeping with the neighbor while her kids are at home across the street. Hopefully SD17 doesn't follow in her BM's footsteps and get knocked up in the next year.
oh one more thing... learn to
oh one more thing... learn to use face book to your advantage.
you can make your posts, pics
you can make your posts, pics and videos public then change it back and forth. it does make them scratch their heads sumtimes
I didn't try to buy the skids
I didn't try to buy the skids - honestly. I make really good money and I do alot of nice things for DH and DD3. The skids and BM went on and on about DH and his "new family". I genuinely liked the skids and wanted them to feel a part of the family so I did things that I would have done for my daughter and treated them like my own kids. They have their own rooms in my house, just like DD3, even though they are only here EOW and I bought them new beds and furniture and helped them decorate their rooms, just like I did for DD3. It wasn't anything above and beyond what I do for DD3, but it is above and beyond for them - BM usually tosses down a store bought cake on a park bench and calls it a day for thier birthdays.
I drove them all over the place, planned fun outings, took them to my family gatherings (their BM has restraining orders on all her family), and even took SD17 on a plane for the weekend to visit the college she wanted to attend - by myself and paid for by me. We went camping in Yosemite together for a week. DH used to always laugh that I thought about them more than he did - I was always finding things online they would think was funny, buying their favorite foods to keep in stock, little treats here and there to save for when they were here. It was more the amount of effort that I went to so that they would feel included then the money. They turned on me as soon as BM didn't like me anymore. The part that really pisses me off is that of course they love coming over here - I slave for them all weekend and they sit around watching Direct TV, movies, playing on my computers, in the hot tub, eating all their favorite foods (BM feeds them from the food pantry so she doesn't have to get a second job), and so they smile in my face and never act up around me. Then they call me the "evil stepmother" to their BM and her friends (I've seen it) and call me the "c" word to their dad. I've NEVER once gotten an apology.