Many years ago, I briefly had this issue with my children's step mother. She felt because she was a nurse she should be at every.single doctors appointment (emergencies not included).

'Permitted care providers' aka healthcare surrogates with physicians, hospitals and other medical entities are typically used in the case of minor children 'if the biological parent is not available at the time of service'. They are stand ins. If the biologicals are there then the stand in is not needed.

If your ex cannot/willnot stand up to his wife, the medical professionals will.

I would send your ex a brief email, summizing that his wife's attendance at 'x' dr appointment will be unnecessary as you will be attending and will email him all necessary information after the appointment. If she shows up anyway, advise the medical staff that you do not want her in the room during the exam. She will not be allowed in. You can also remove your permission for her to have access to your son's HIPAA information: however be aware your X can, and likely will at her urging, put her right back on the list.

And yes, expect the tit-for-tat move that if his wife can't be there, your husband can't either.

I would have her name removed from people permitted to attend appointments and be be informed.

Her behavior is ridiculous.

There is a term for all stepparents, it's "legal stranger". If you do not want her in the room, request that she leave, and insist on it with the nurse or doctor. She can be in the doctors office, but she has no legal right to be in the room with your child at the time of examination. If neither parent has sole custody, no doctor is going to reveal information to a third party in the room without consent of both parents.

You should document one incident, before asking the SM to leave. That includes audio recording if permitted by your state, and a letter sent to your ex with return receipt briefly and objectively stating the problem, and the fact that she is unwelcome unless the negative behavior stops.

The letter and recording can give cover if he tries to retaliate, and she will understand why she could be asked to leave the room next time.

this SM sounds like a bitch...not to mention she sounds like she may be slightly jealous of you....your son is YOUR son...not hers...she needs to back off and shut the fuck up...point blank...and no, she doesn't need to attend ANY doctor's appointments UNLESS it's an absolute emergency....

How rude. I'm pretty sure you should be able to kick her out.

I am a SM & I love SD7, but just like I wouldn't rush off to my nephew's appointments - I have no interest in going to SD7's doctor appointments. The only time I've been anywhere with her was her eye appointment because her stupid BM hadn't taken her in 14 months & she is supposed to go every 6.

Yeah, I agree - kinda weird. I'm an SM and BM, and I have NO desire to go to SD's doctor appointments. She's even had some major surgeries which I was not in attendence. That's between BM and DH. Your SM sounds really pushy.

I agree with everything posted above.

Luckily SS is only "sick" with BM. If something happened to SS I can see myself going if DH asked me to and it was serious - if he was out of town and it was major maybe with MIL...but he would have to be like in the hospital. As he had had procedures where he could go home while DH was at work and I simply asked him what BM told him ad it was done.

I am not a caregiver to SS I am a mentor, and a asset to the additional things he needs, a partner to DH - there is no reason for me to go doctors appointments.

I have made a few for DH as I did the research for them like when BM said SS needed glasses because one of his friends for some and he thought it was cool and truly didn't. I made the appointment gave all information to DH and went on my way he asked if I wanted to go since I had the day off I told him we could giggle at the results of him not needing them when we were alone after they returned.

I like the idea of a letter to the father that he get his wife under control. But I would state that both steps will be kept out. Sacrificing your husband to the same deal is a small price to pay.

There are two reasons to include your husband in your initial letter. First it makes it clear that you mean business. Second it takes away any perceived power play on their part right out of the gate. They either agree she stifles herself or there is no hope of her staying. There is NO compromise.

The SM should stay out of these appointments.

I am a SM, no bios. Skid got very sick once and H conned me into staying home and taking her to the doctor. To this day I don't know what was going through my pea brain when I agreed**.

It was awkward and I was incredibly uncomfortable being there. Worse, Uberskank called skid to find out what the doctor said, and when she tried to explain Uberskank starting freaking out. So skid tried to hand me the phone. I said I'm sorry, this should come from H and not me and handed the phone to H.

I would politely ask once for her to modify her behavior. If she does not, remove her name from the list.

If she is going to behave like a turd, then she should be treated like one.

**I do know what was going through my pea brain. I was a moron.

The BM in my situation is the one who is high conflict. She was dead set on me not being at kids appointments, but they live with us full time and I'm the one who takes care of them.
I do still take them to appointments. However if "mommy dearest" ever showed up I was the first one to bow out of that doctor's office room. I never want to be in a tiny room within arm's length of that woman-even with a kid present.

Suggest that your ex and this SM get a copy of the doctor's notes. DH can't trust BM to tell him all the necessary details. So it has become standard practice for DH to get a copy of the doctor's notes of the appointment. The doctor includes chief complaint, physical findings, subjective and objective notes, what the parent says, what the child says, and recommendations including rx and directions given.

And if all else fails, tell the doctor's office that you don't want her to be there when you are there. I have been on the opposite side. I was bringing a skid to an appointment and had no idea that BM was already in the waiting room. I had a nurse tell me, "I'll take SD to her mother already waiting for her in the back. Would you mind waiting here? Those waiting rooms are so small." I just smiled at the nurse and said, "Go ahead SD, I'll see you when you get done. Those rooms get crowded really quickly."

If your SM causes a scene she will look like a fool to the office staff and you will have witnesses to her crazy.

I would just tell her fact the face if she plays this attitude crap again at the docs office. She will not speak to you in a demeaning manner and if she does it again that you will have her removed from the authorized care giver list at the doc and you will initiate court proceedings to have her removed from any interface with your son.

Then follow through if she does not gain immediate clarity. If your X calls you then tell him what you told his wife.

No toleratnce for this crap and bring the pain when she does it each and every time.

Good luck.

A voice recorder would be useful in these situations. Keep it in a shirt pocket, set it to auto start and record SM's vitriolic crap then drop it on your X and the SM in court.

This is just her trying to have some form of control.

Everyone has given very sound advice.