My Karma Ran Over My Dogma? Posting as an Evil Adult SD...
So how does the other half live? Not sure i have a lot to say on the subject, as technically, I am a SD but one who has never had a relatiosnhip with her father's wife of 30 years... I have met my SM only once in my lifetime. So in the SM - SD dynamic I am the SM 99% of the time. But here is my - pretty ironic - 1%.
My father was turning 80 last month. Big birthday was looming... My aunts were calling me to tell me, don't forget to wish him a happy birthday! Are you goiing to call him? Well, yes. There is no more exchanging gifts between us. My relationship with him has never been close, and has really petered out in the last 5-6 years. We live on different continents, see each other every 5 years or so, for 30 minutes at a time, and he has only met my teenage sons something like 5 times in their lives. But, hey 80 is 80... so i will call him. Actually, i decided to call him a few days before his actual birthday, just in case he was not around on "the" day. One morning I call from the car, my SM picks up the phone. I say, "Hi, this is Pilgrim Soul. I would like to speak to ... ". All she says is, "He just came back from his doctor's and is taking a nap". Click - the line goes dead. I think to myself, "Hmmm.... she hung up on me? That's rich! it's not like i am pestering them with calls at all hours of the night, i pretty much call 2-3 times a year." But ok. She hung up. Moving on.
His birthday rolls around. This time I call from home. It's Sunday. He picks up. I start saying something happy, the line goes dead. Hmmm.... that's very weird. I hand the phone to my 17-year-old son, and say, "Let's call and wish your grandfather a happy birthday." He reluctantly agrees. This time he dials the number, my father answers, they have a conversation in my father's native tongue - not English - as i prompt my son certain words and phrases to say. It goes well, my son is pretty chatty and gracious, the whole thing lasts about 5-7 minutes. My father suggests that my sons should write him letters. Well... My older son then hands the phone to his younger brother, at my insistence, and we go through the same rigmarole. This kid is not into talking about nothing but he makes an effort as i make gestures at him to keep talking. Finally he says, "Here is Mom" and hands me the phone. I take it - the line is dead. Again. I decide to call back - i have never really wished my father a happy birthday yet. This is my 5th attempt... I am his only (living) child.
My father picks up. I say, "Did you just hang up on me? I am calling to wish you a Happy Birthday. Did your wife hang up on me the last time i called?" Oh boy, was that a dumb thing to say... immediately we get pulled into some kind of bad-vibe, makes-no-sense, you-started-it, no-you-started-it sparring match ( not screaming, just arguing) where I can hear my SM's voice right next to the phone saying, "Why do you need her? Your blood pressure is going to rise AGAIN!" and the line goes dead. This time i do NOT call back. I think, If your wife does not think you need your daughter, may be you need a different wife?
Why does he need me? Do i need him? We have a blood connection but not much else. I have never gone to him for advice, help, comfort. He did not invite me to his home when he remarried. He never introduced me to his step-daughter, who is my age. I have not been at his wedding. I left the country he lives in at 25. 20 years later I am more concerned with the impact my SDs have on my life than my SM does.
But if there is one thing i know for sure, it's this: I do NOT want to be like her! My SM is horrible!
( My father is not much better either).
However, last time my DH spoke to my OSD on the phone, the only thing i thought he should do was HANG UP.
The wheel has come full circle? My karma just ran over my dogma?
Do you think it's time to accept that some days we are the pigeon, and some days we are the statue???
There is no language barrier
There is no language barrier here.. it is not about the language... rather it's about the message.
Thank you, HP. I hope it's
Thank you, HP. I hope it's different even if it looks the same.
However, i do think she has it easy compared to what so many other SMs go through: i have never been a thorn in her side. She froze me out to a larger degree than my father's siblings, but she is pretty cold to them too. His sisters do not have a good relationship with him, they have a much better one with me and my mother. Even 35 years after my parents' divorce my dad's sisters get along better with my mom than with their own brother - that tells you something.
I think the karma bus hit my SM also: her only daughter has no kids. I have two gorgeuos boys. My aunts can't understand why my father is not interested in them. His loss. Too sad for all those involved. I do not tell my boys much about my troubled relationship with my father, but make sure they pay lip service to his existence.
Hollow Points hit it square.
Hollow Points hit it square. This is why my SM is a super C U next tuesday to me mostly me but sometimes my younger siblings when they come to town. I continue to be civil because I love my dad and she's been better since I screamed at her to "stop acting like everyone is against you, out to ruin or life or thinks you don't matter maybe you'd be happy if you stopped caring what everyone else thought. My kids love you you've always been grandma same as my mom, not 'step-grandma' GRANDMA, get that through your head hurt me all you want but stop taking it out on my dad, and don't ever speak to my children with such hate again." This was after some spiteful vitriol she spewed at my dd. We're good now. I thin it was the grandma part that shut her up. But I'm a constant reminder of my mother, and all the CS my dad had to pay.
That must have been a
That must have been a difficult conversation to have but it seems like it cleared the air! Good for you, Lalena!
You were able to give your SM her due despite her acting hurt and hurtful towards your kids? That's pretty big of you. It would appear like a better tactic - to have it out, to call a spade a spade, not to marinate in your own resentments and perceived insults. She must have come to realize that you giving her the same status as your mom means something major. Means she's been accepted.
In my family, we do not have that problem: my kids are not concerned what to call my father's wife - they have never met her, she has no interest in them. They would probably remind her that her own daughter is barren.
You say you met your SM once?
You say you met your SM once? What was your initial impression of her, and how did the two of you communicate? And why do you think you were not close with your Father?
It sounds like something else is going on besides a small drift in communications, and it is obvious you have no idea what it is. This same sort of thing happened to me recently with my Mother, who is in her 80's and has always been self-centered, more demanding, more entitled than she ever had before, and seems to over-react to imaginary 'slights'. Like you, neither one of us really ever connected or enjoy each others company. When I tried to help she and my Sister who were incapacitated in December I experienced a degree of hostility I had never encountered before. I was great one day, shunned the next, and for the life of me I can't figure it out. I am wondering if it is a combination of age and unrealistic expectations. Many times the drugs required when we age have an effect on the personality, reasoning, etc. Do you think this might be the case with your Father or SM?
I have found that we tend to hang onto toxic family relationships simply because society says it is the right thing to do. Sometimes 'honoring our parents' means a different thing to them than it does to us. If you know in your heart that you have done everything in your power to have a relationship with your Father, you can do no more. Next time your Aunts call tell them what happened. Maybe they can help to clear the air.
I am sorry your mother turned
I am sorry your mother turned on you, Sandye. It does happen in old age - people become less inhibited, less able to keep their own demons in check, and if her ways have always been selfish and entitled, she was likely to become a more pronounced version of herself. Probably, something like that happened to my father also. I do not know if drugs had anything to do with that, but an unpleasant personality can become more so in old age.
My SM seemed to me to be a very hostile woman, who had no interest in me. I met her in their house for the first and last time as i was on the verge of leaving the country i grew up in. She had been married to my father for 10 years at the time. I wonder if the reason she allowed him to invite me was that i was going away for good. It was all very dysfunctional. My case is really an outlier, i realize that. My father was very abusive to my mother while they were married, and their divorce was horrible. My mother was like one of the BMs we complain about on ST. She alienated me from him for no good reason, but by then i was already estranged from him for good cause - he was horrible. After that he was gone from my life for many years, from the time i was in 6th grade to my 3rd year in college. Later we resurrected some kind of relationship, a very distant one. At this point, you are right - i can do no more. Thank you for commiserating.
... She didn't want us (my
... She didn't want us (my sister and I) being another drain on what was a leaky ship that is my father. -
this is so brilliantly put! Funny and sad at the same time. You are very insightful and have a great way with words, lovnlife! Thank you for sharing your story. I think it goes to show your maturity and generosity of spirit that you were able to overcome your initial distrust of your SM and become friends with her as an adult.
Must have been hard when you were younger and feeling responsible for others. Your dad is lucky that you were able to accept him the way he is, and even find common ground with his wife.
Thank you, KISS. My father's
Thank you, KISS. My father's health is not getting any better but it is good enough to travel to the US from Europe and spend up to half a year with his step-daughter who lives on the West Coast. I am on the East Coast, and he came to visit me three times in the last 20 years. He is not that interested... there were years when we spoke more often, and i actually hoped that looking back on his life he will soften and we will get closer. I have done life review with seniors while in grad school for mental health, and it can be a very rewarding process. My father however seems stuck in denial about many things. He thinks he is the greatest dad that ever lived and wants to be acknowledged as such.
Why was he so upset this time? I got his two grandsons, who do not care about him that much, to be nice, to speak to him in a language he understands better than English, to show him some love. In years gone by, i have gotten my kids to write him letters, i sent their pictures, shared my Facebook page, etc.
I think all he really wants are pictures, not people, so he could put them up on a wall and brag to his friends. My aunts, his younger sisters, who i have always had a great relationship with, have pretty much given up on him. They don't understand where he gets his atttitude, this lack of love for his own family. My father told my older aunt that her grandchild was illegitimate because my cousin first had a baby with the baby's mother, and only married her several years later. How do you think that went over? My aunt dropped my father like a hot potato. I think this must be his wife talking. She must hate the next generation reproducing bc her daughter does not have any kids.
When I send my kids back to the city where i grew up, they stay with my mother and spend a lot of time with my extended family, incl. my father's sisters, but not with him. My older son was there for 6 weeks last summer, student-teaching English at a summer language school. My father left the city for his summer cottage and did not meet him once. When i took my younger son to my home town the previous summer, my father met with us for 30 minutes at a cafe, and left. That was enough for him. He has no other grandkids. But he also has nothing to give to the ones he has.
"The step sword can be sharp
"The step sword can be sharp on both sides" - this has an almost Shakespearean ring to it! What a great way to put it, StepAside. I have often thought my DH is like King Lear - with his three ungrateful kids. But this is also true - the double-edged step sword.
I appreciate your words of wisdom, and hope that I am a more enlightened SM than the woman who married my father all those years ago. I probablky see the relationship somewhat differently, as in she had actively made it worse. Had he married someone who was open to having me as part of her family, and could encourage him to bring me in, everyone would have won: the parents and the children. My SM has a daughter a bit older than me. We could have enriched each other's lives. None of that had happened, and my father drinks her Kool-aid somehow spinning the story as if NOT having a united family is the best thing ever.
So where does that leave me, or you, or anyone who is not terribly fond of how their SM and father have conducted themselves? On the one hand, i do not want to be the same divisive force she has been in my life, but on the other, i am dealing with NPD OSD and BM, who dish out abuse like candy. So i have no choice but to limit contact. I hope I am doing it for reasons other than my SM - as ST is my witness - but it looks a lot the same.
However, knowledge is power and I certainly feel much more empowered to approach the blended family thing with insight and low expectations. Thank you for contributing your insights, they help a lot. You must be right that my SM sees me as a threat - which is so ridiculous! There was a time when i seriously offered my father my help if he wanted to move to the US. Both he and his wife have their two daughters, each an only child, living on this side of the pond. My kids were young at the time and i hoped he would help me with raising them. Haha! Not likely. He turned it down adding that if they were to move, a mother has to live next to her daughter. Who has no kids. Let her count her freaking blessings! Well said!
There is so much similarity
There is so much similarity in our fathers that it's eerie. I have a father much like yours whom of course I love. But he doesn't try very hard. It's all about him, my devotion to him. How my daughters feel about him. How he feels - what he wants. How many programs and accolades his new children have and I should really attend them if I loved him. It's very frustrating because he wants the same things I do- to be closer, but doesn't know the appropriate way to help it happen. He makes it worse. It would be so easy to blame it on my SM. If I divert the anger I can not feel so much pain. But, my SM is not like yours and I can say there would probably be no relationship at all if she was. It's hard enough dealing with an insensitive and self absorbed father. If my SM was neurotic, I'd be done. Sometimes I think I only stick around for her sake. You are phenomenal for putting up with it. Your father should thank his lucky stars every night.
"So she uses her son as a way
"So she uses her son as a way to get at me and my brother, and that is all." I know it is no surprise to you that your SM is a narcissist. This is one of the games she plays so she can get her fix - an emotional vampire. My own Mother has played this game for my entire life. The sad thing is most times it creates so much damage that the kids can never trust one another. I am glad you are disengaging from this toxic woman.
Your Father is a bit self-entitled too. It sounds like he wants everyone to accommodate him. Like you wrote, he SAYS he loves you but his actions prove otherwise - a farce. The frustrating thing is, there is no answer. He has convinced himself he was a good Father. He will deny making peace with you over his neglect.
Then there is always the
Then there is always the inheritance issue. Step-mother is worried that a relationship with you could trigger a Last Will change or even write step-mother out entirely in favor of biological child - you.
OK, you've done your part for the big eight oh and the next big one isn't for another decade so lets quit worrying about it. By then all you have to do is remind your kids of the event and drop it letting them decide what to do if anything
It's an odd twist of fate
It's an odd twist of fate when you are a stepparent who tries to care with the best intentions for your skids and then have a stepparent yourself who rejoice at you not existing.
There is little understanding for those of us in that situation. You aren't alone by far. I have no relationship with my father because I have disengaged from his toxic, narcissistic wife.
You made an effort to reach out to your father and it wasn't received. Walk away and let it go. It's his loss truly.
Glad i am not alone! It's
Glad i am not alone! It's ironic though, isn't it, mannin? We just can't catch a break...
Hang in there! May be fate has other odd-er twists in store..
Of course we can have phases
Of course we can have phases as pigeon then statue.
I think the litmus test of which we primarily are is our reasoning behind our behavior as much as the behavior specifically.
If we are protecting ourselves and our family from toxic crap then pigeon is the way to go. The oppostion will never see the superiority of our perspective but do we really care?
I sure don't give a shit what the Sperm Clan feels about me. As long as they keep their toxic toothless moron shit to a minimum when it comes to my son (SS).
Phases as pigeon... phases as
Phases as pigeon... phases as statue... I guess i am in my statue phase right now.
I do not know about you, Rags, but my reasoning can pass any litmus test I can devise with flying colors!
Most days i feel that the superiority of my perspective is too obvious for words.
The day i called my father was not one of them however.
Oh yes. I too am confident
Oh yes. I too am confident that my reasoning can pass any litmus test and is beyond challenge from a superiority perspective. I tend to base my perspective on analysis and logic rather than anger or other emotion.
At least I like to think so.
May be she did, may be he
May be she did, may be he did. I do not know. But the parallel is with her: when my SD was on the phone, and was verbally abusive, i wanted DH to hang up on her. Is that the norm??? I do not know anymore. But i do not want to become my SM! ( there is very little danger i will become my father
And there is the "Elder
And there is the "Elder Abuse" angle. She's obviously hanging up the phone even as he talks. What else is she controlling? Maybe you're not interested in his money and things but is she keeping him effectively in jail? Away from his friends and hobbies, golf, sitting with a friend in front of the library - racing his boat, whatever?
You've mentioned that you've hardly gotten along so you probably aren't interested in any of it but I've thrown it out for what its worth.
Thank you for your ideas,
Thank you for your ideas, OCC! I have not thought of it from the elder abuse perspective.
The SM is controlling for sure, has always been. I need to think about it more. She has alienated him to a large degree from his biological family - but he was not a good family man even before her. So they deserve each other
Why is it always the father
Why is it always the father in these situations who are the victims of oppressive wives? Why are we SO quick to lay blame on everyone including the dog before we look at the man? So often, he gets to just sit back and watch family fight over him. And he would allow total devastation of his family before owning any responsibility on his own. They aren't clueless, they are masters of diversion.
Edited: this comment is intended for general purposes- not specifically Pilgrims
Great story, StepAside!
Great story, StepAside! Perfectly sly! "How do you like them fangs? Oopss.. what fangs? Where? there were no fangs. She is just so... excited to see you, honey! All three pounds of her. She is very playful, that's all.
You will learn to love her."
Now this post has everything: karma - what karma? I do not see any karma!
And dog-ma: dogma? what dog-ma? That little thang? She is too small to do any damage
lol! This is surely poetic
lol! This is surely poetic justice. true karma. does your husband see the irony with your dog in parallel to how he treated his daughters? in my case, it took about 10 years for dh to get on board about how to parent.
do love your little doggie and spoile her. but it seems like she needs boundaries, too. you can gently train a dog to show respect to all family members. (tiny dogs have trouble with this and tend to bond with one person, but they can learn to respect others.)
inexcusable in a dog, inexcusable in a child. lack of respect is lack of respect.
Mairin, i like this: "He no
Mairin, i like this: "He no longer wants to sit and listen to their silly based on nothing issues with me. They don't know me... So be it. He will not sit and listen to criticism as to how they think he should operate his life for them." --- i think this is progress! Seriously. If he cannot shut them up - and my DH cannot - he can at least refuse to listen to their drivel. Good for him! Giving them air time feeds their dysfunction. They will forever go over what they think is wrong with him - all lies created by BM, in our case.
That's why my DH refused to go to therapy with OSD, who hysterically demanded that he submit to this ultimatum: therapy or nothing, no relationship, she is not interested. He could not shut her up in a conversation, when she was bad-mouthing him and me, and us together, but refused to go "explore" her hateful feelings - it is not productive. The PAS'd skids feelings are rabid hate and anger, trumped up and amped up by a personality disordered BM. They cannot feel their way out of this mess - they will have to think it out. They do not need traditional therapy based on "and how did that make you feel?", they need cognitive restructuring - new ways to look at their past and present. So if your husband is able to walk away from their whining, good for him. They got enough validation. I believe their beliefs need to be in-validated, not their fee-fees amplified.
Wow - sorry that happened to
Wow - sorry that happened to you Pilgrim Soul
Good for you for considering your SM's situation/comparing to your own...I don't really understand why your SM would do that but agree with a lot of what the other's have posted as to possible reasons. I'm sure you would NEVER do that to a SC of yours who was simply calling to wish their father Happy B Day
All of your posts demonstrate how much thought you've put in to understanding where your skids are coming from and being supportive to your DH, under terrible circumstances
Hopefully someone else in your family can shed some light into why this happened to you with your dad & SM
Wish you all the best with it!
Thank you, Disillusioned! You
Thank you, Disillusioned! You are sweet, as always. In my family this kind of dysfunction runs very deep and i should let it be really. It is what it is. I have not prevented my boys from having some semblance of a relationship with their grandfather, and hopefully, many years from now they will appreciate having spoken to him, having gotten some idea about where they come from.
I want to thank you Pilgrim
I want to thank you Pilgrim for writing this post. Stepmothers who are also stepchildren have such an amazing perspective. Just in the short amount of time I've been here, I have learned so much. I've been called a bitter biomom, lonely, troll etc. But, I'm just a person who loves her family and wants to know how to make it better. Posts like yours are why I come back and I just wanted to thank you.
Lol.. you are very welcome,
Lol.. you are very welcome, Generic! My dysfunction is your dysfunction!
I guess writing about this stuff has a redeeming quality. If i can use my crazy family story to help you understand yours, the craziness has not happened in vain. If i can write about it, i can process it and find some meaning in it. Good luck on your journey! ST makes the bumpy step-ride less lonely, more fun.
Thank you. Althought its
Thank you. Althought its fairly obvious, I used to be here under the name "Someboy's Daughter" but found myself so hurt by some comments, that I needed to start over. You have always given helpful and kind advice
Just a thought, StepAside,
Just a thought, StepAside, but if your dog weighed 30 pounds instead of 3 would the unprovoked attack have still seemed cute? Even a tiny dog with teeth could damage an eye and/or leave scars. I am a long time dog trainer and have a different perspective than you so that is where I am coming from. Respectfully, Valeria
I understood the meaning of
I understood the meaning of your story. It's hard to deny the little pang of pride when you know you are being protected. Even when loyalty is shown inappropriately, it's impossible to feel the level of offense that is expected.
Pilgrim, I thought this was
Pilgrim, I thought this was an interesting comment: "Had he married someone who was open to having me as part of her family, and could encourage him to bring me in, everyone would have won: the parents and the children."
StepAside mentioned in another thread that a SM's relationship with skids won't be better than the one they have with their father; it was an eye-opener for me. It certainly helped put in perspective why my skids have shown no interest in me ... because they have no interest in their father! (All the result of BM teaching them this over the years.) It kind of solidified for me that these are damaged people and expecting them to behave in an open, accepting way was foolish of me. Tigers don't change their stripes, and the skids have definitely inherited their strange stripes from momma.
The comment above seems to mirror how I have felt for the last ten years. I also thought that being open and welcoming to the skids would create a win-win for both the skids and my SO - that maybe they could get closer and I could be the "bridge" to help them do so. No chance! That delusion is gone, and is now replaced by my own disinterest and disengagement.
As to your situation with your SM, it's so hard to determine. I was also a SD (my father remarried TWICE). One SM I really liked and would have liked to have known better, but their marriage didn't last. The second one also started out OK. She was very friendly, welcoming and it seemed everything was going fine. Until I called my dad about a year after they were married, and said I wanted to come and visit him in his state for a week. He said it was OK (they were retired and living alone in a house with four bedrooms) and within minutes she called me up screaming at me, telling me her house was not a hotel and who did I think I was inviting myself, blah blah blah. Then she hung up on me.
My dad and I were strained for awhile after that. I felt uncomfortable even calling him. I had no clue what I did to this woman! Then it turned out she was a raging alcoholic who did an incredible job of hiding it. Not long after, my father (who rarely drank, even socially) divorced her.
Perhaps it is like others have said - at that age it could be any number of things with either your Dad or SM. Health or mental issues. Cultural expectations. Maybe they figured since you left your country, you were as good as gone to them. That's how emmigration was often viewed for that generation. Despite plane travel, they may have mentally checked you out when you left. Plus you hadn't developed a relationship with her/them the 10 years before you did leave.
In any case, your SM's behavior sounds very odd. My SO's parents are also overseas and about that age now. They do have some very strange phone habits. They have also hung up on us on more than one occasion. His mom cannot hear well at all. We can be shouting at her and she can't hear a thing! Other times, you may be in mid-sentence and they think you are done talking and hang up on you. Now they will even be blunt and say they have to eat something or go to the bathroom and then just hang up !
At this stage of life, I am sure you know nothing will change for them. Despite your best intentions, it is what it is.
Thank you, 2tired, i like
Thank you, 2tired, i like your soothing comments - really. I feel for you with your cold skids, and dysfunctional SM's - seems like you can't catch a break either! Not to suggest a pity party, but how much hostility does one need in one's life - it seems to be seeping from everywhere in the step scenarios, towards you as a SD, then again towards you as a SM... same here! Exact same thing. What a waste of time and energy... don't you think?
I love love. I hate hate. There are plenty of people in my life who are loving and wonderful. They are much more attractive than selfish jerks. I hope you spend your time with positive people who love you and give you joy. I appreciate your wise words. ST is a virtual family which gives me much more support than my blood family at times.
Thank you, Rising, it helps
Thank you, Rising, it helps to know i am not alone! Neither are you! Good for us
"But it's impossible to have
"But it's impossible to have a relationship when only one person is making the effort." Exactly. Stepaside has often used the analogy: "If you chase a dog it will run away." The harder you try to understand why you were hung up on, and why your Father has not made the effort to connect with you, the farther away you are from coming up with a reasonable answer. I have finally come to the conclusion with my Mother, who makes no effort to connect with me but demands entitlement, that the simple answer is: it is what it is. The good news is I don't have to accommodate this behavior or abuse. I can choose to disengage as I did with SD who is also too toxic to be around.
I don't know if this will
I don't know if this will help you in your situation or not....but, this is the thing....We all spend a lot of time being offended by what the "other guy" did...If you want real peace...for yourself...This isn't meant to be cruel...but...Picture yourself at your father's graveside....standing on the edge of the hole they are about to put him in...and if there was one thing you could have said to him that you didn't get a chance to what would it be?...now fast forward yourself to the after funeral heart wrenching quiet moment when you do a self check...Regardless of all of their issues...If you were the best daughter you could be given the situation you are in...then you will be able to live with yourself... It's about you being good with how you handled a very difficult relationship that has come to an end. Your journey is about you and how you are doing this gig called life...He's 80. There really probably isn't much more time left for Him...don't leave anything on the table to be regretted later, after he passes....it's too late...All I am saying is, I have seen children with their parent's passing... spend years of there life after in regret...robbing them still of precious time that you can never get back...When you look at yourself in the mirror at the end of the day...If you are happy with yourself as a person, knowing you did the best you could with what you have....That is all there is at the end of the day...How they are...their insecurities...all the speculation of why they are the way they are....really won't matter at the end of life...How you choose to play it out now is your choice....we all live with the result of the choices we make...but after they pass away...it is over....It is what it is. My heart goes out to you......
I remember a tearful
I remember a tearful conversation with my dad on the phone not that long ago. He's yammering on about his life, his kids, his world is so busy and their jobs are so important and this new family is so important and blah blah blah and why can't I just get with the program and join in on his wild ride of a life and just go with the flow and for god's sakes snap out of it. I know I have only a minute to speak before he interrupts me so I squeak out, as best I can with the lumps forming in my throat. . . I say, "Daddy, I know that at the end of the day, I am at peace with my part in this. I know in my heart that I have done everything in my power to give you what you need from me. Can you say the same?" It was the first time he was speechless. Because he knew the answer.
What a good way to sum up
What a good way to sum up this thread, Generic! Thank you for sharing. You said it!
Some fathers and daughters have close loving relationships. I envy them. I am not one of them.
That's ok. I am at peace with my role in it, just as you are.
Thank you! Yes father
Thank you! Yes father daughter relationships can be so complex!
"Daddy, I know that at the
"Daddy, I know that at the end of the day, I am at peace with my part in this. I know in my heart that I have done everything in my power to give you what you need from me. Can you say the same?"
Thank you so much! This one sentence says it all, doesn't it? You can only try your best, then move on.
Ironically, "trying your
Ironically, "trying your best" was always a lesson my dad taught me. But it's so true isn't it? That's all we can really do. That and wishful thinking that others are trying their best too.
Thank you, Peacemaker! I
Thank you, Peacemaker! I really appreciate your words of wisdom. And i *have* been picturing standing by my father's graveside. Remember what Ron Reagan said after his father, Pres. Reagan died? Something to the effect that he was already gone... no so much due to Alzheimer's but due to his personality. There was NOT a relationship that could be missed. There wasn't much there there. It did not exist when he was in his prime either.
Same here. I expected my father to soften and show interest in my kids once he grew older. It did not happen, we did now grow closer. When he talks to me he demands that i show him the respect one would show to the patriarch of a large clan - which only exists in his own mind. I am peripheral to his life, and he is to mine. There is nothing i am leaving on the table - other than polite chit chat i have nothing to say to him. I wish it had been different but i can live with the choices i make.
I can totally relate to your
I can totally relate to your disappointment...Just hoping you are at peace with yourself...that's all.
At the risk of being flamed
At the risk of being flamed for this...could it possibly not all be them?
You admit your relationship is not close. You admit you only call sporadically. You admit you don't see him often. How many times has THAT story been told from the SM perspective on this board?
The relationship is a two way street. Maybe her statement says more than you think. Maybe he is very upset at this stage of his life that he doesn't have you and your kids around/in contact more often and it does affect his health. Maybe she's trying to protect him in the only way she can. Maybe there are regrets he doesn't know how to resolve and it bothers him. You won't know that, but she would.
Yes, he is YOUR father and she hung up on you, but read other posts here from SM's in the same boat... DH's adult kids rarely have contact and SM sees the result on their DH's. After having met her once, you say you know she's horrible. You say that you and your father argue often. As a SM, how would you take that if it was your DH and his kids? Skid calls every few months and he's all riled up when he hangs up.
It could be that she is horrible and jealous, it could be there are a lot of things that went on in the past that makes her protective of your father. I'm not trying to be mean, just pointing out that there is a lot of history not covered in your post to say who's wrong.
That all being said, he's 80 and maybe taking the high road and saying "Hey, don't hang up. You and I are on a bad footing and I would like to put it in the past and try fresh. You are there with him every day and care for him and I'd like to thank you for that." wouldn't be a bad start to at least being able to call while you still can, maybe find out why she feels the way she does. When he is gone, it'll be too late to attempt any relationship. See, I am an adult SD too. My own SM did everything for my Dad and I thank God she was there for him. I once thought she was a horrible SM, but I eventually realized I was being that typical teenage Daddy's princess and got over myself. I have had a good relationship with her for the last 25+ years. Dad passed away 4 years ago and our SM is still part of our lives.
Again, not trying to flame you with this, just saying this could be taken in more than one view and maybe you can still start to correct things if he doesn't know how to.
Hi JacksGal, Thank you for
Hi JacksGal,
Thank you for your well articulated thoughts. Why would you be flamed? You make perfect sense. Remember I started out by saying what i had to share was ironic: i can understand as a SM where my father's wife is coming from. As as SD, it is a murkier terrain. I am glad to hear that you were able to rethink your teenage behavior and resurrect the relationship with your dad and SM, and your SM remains in your life even now that your dad is sadly gone. Well done! I am sure all those concerned benefitted from your change of course. I admire you.
On my end, I am all for taking the responsibility for one's own actions, and about a year and half ago, while reading this forum, I experienced a longing for a kumbaya moment, wanted to give up on fighting and create possibility for positive change. At the time, i wrote three heart-felt letters to STEP people in my life, in order to establish good working relationships and turn over a new leaf. One letter went to my kids' SM, one to my skids BM who i had some naive hopes about at the time (i also sent her a book about the BM - SM dynamics, called - i think - No One's The Bitch) and one to my Step-sister, a woman a few years older than me, my SM's daughter, whom i have never met back in Europe, but who now lives in the US, just like i do, on the opposite coast from me.
It sounds like something you are advocating: put yourself out there, be the change you want to see in the world. I hear you! I am of the same persuasion. I am often appalled by the belligerent nature of some ST posts. So what do you think the outcome was of my THREE attempts at rapprochement? ONE of them worked out fine, my sons' SM and I were able to have a positive relationship for a while; DH's ex never responded to me, but acknowledged my book by a nastygram to DH accusing me of doing everything wrong ( the woman has NPD/BPD and is a lost cause), and my step-sister, who has been in my father's life for about 30 years, has never responded either. The funny thing is, my father told me she received my letter, saying something along the lines, "Well the first step towards a relationship with "Marie" you have already made." I sent her my contact info, Facebook page, etc. He admitted that they looked at my Facebook together... but that was the end of that. Haha! I have a very good-looking family, she has no kids, may be she was jealous? I do not know. I have never heard from her.
Why hasn't it occurred to my father to try and create a relationship between me and his SD ( she is not his biological daughter)? Neither of us has any siblings. He had decades to figure out how to have a big happy family. It is not going to be too late to do anything about the state of things once he is gone - he IS already gone, has been gone from my life since i was 13. My early years were punctuated by him and my mother fighting non-stop and by scenes of abuse I witnessed that i do not want to go back to in my mind.
You say, take the high road. I did! I took the high road by giving the phone to my sons and forcing them to have a conversation with their grandfather, and in earlier years i had forced them to write letters to him. It was all me - i did not see my not having a good relationship with him as a valid reason to stop my kids from having any kind of relationship. However, he has never invited any of us into his home, never introduced us to his wife or SD. I think it must be his wife's influence - she keeps his sisters at a distance too.
As for me, I have had two sets of steps in my life, and I have always tried to be the opposite of my SM. She played a part in my life alright. She makes me look really good as a SM. Today, I can live with my choices. I wonder if my father has an easy time with his.
You know what? I wish you
You know what? I wish you were my step daughter. We'd go shopping, go to lunch and laugh and share stories. I am so sorry that SM has persuaded your father from you and his grandchildren.
You have shown such grace in all of this. I hope that this what your sons will see. I also hope, along with that lesson for them, that they see their mother reach out and make the incredible effort that you have. That you have not abandoned your father. What they will learn is to pick their life partners VERY CAREFULLY.
I know your father loves you. Just try to remember that.
What a sweet response! Thank
What a sweet response! Thank you, CNewton! You are very wise. I am sure you and i could have an exceptionally good time together! I loved your words of love and hope.
You are so right about picking one's life partners VERY CAREFULLY. I wish i knew how to teach kids to do precisely that.
Your story seems very close to mine in terms of kids and skids ages and situations.
What is going on in your world these days?