Finding the strength to leave

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This has been an extremely painful last few weeks. I have finally found the courage to file for divorce from my wife who is bi-polar. (For a background you can read some of my previous post over the last year or so). It has taken me filing for divorce for her to realize and own up to her issues. My children no longer want to come to my house because of her mood swings, my family does not want me to be with her because of her violate mood swings. The last 5 years of being with her has been the most wild roller coaster ride I have ever been on. She is begging for another chance. Telling me she will change this time, she finally sees what she has done, how her actions have pushed everyone away. Two of her children are showing signs of being bi-polar as well. They are a handful. If any of you have ever truly been in love with someone who is bipolar you can understand who difficult this is. I love her but she is my crack cocaine, I know she is not good for me but I cannot seem to put her down. I have to find strength to continue through this for my sanity and kids.

Best of luck to you.

Best of luck to you. Remember, no one really changes from who they are at their core. The best is to accept this truth and move on.

Bipolar is very hard to live

Bipolar is very hard to live with unless they are well medicated and it seems like part of the disease process is feeling they are better enough to NOT take the meds.

I am sorry you are going through this pain.

As a born again Christian, I

As a born again Christian, I believe marriage is forever. I didn't used to believe this way as I've been married and divorced before. But I have changed. I would not leave my fiance now for anything as I know that marriage, when we are finally married, is for the rest of my life.

If you love her, you know why you do. Being bi-polar is a sickness and not something she has a choice about, and certainly does not mean that is who she is deep down. I'm not telling you what to do, nor condemning you for your choice...I'm sure it is very very hard for you either way. I can't imagine what it must be like. However, my opinion is that you need to be the man that your wife needs. You need to help her get the help and treatment she needs to be a wife and a mom.

Now, I'm not even sure if that is possible. It may take so many meds that the woman you love will be changed completely. I don't know. Maybe you've tried and her pleas now are the same things that you've heard a hundred times before. I can only say, based on what you've said in this one post, that I encourage you not to give up on her. If you're Christian, pray...love her, hold her, retract your divorce, wrap your arms around her, and pray to God to bless your relationship and her path to healing. Then talk to as many doctors as it takes to treat her sickness. Read a thousand medical books and journals, spend hours on the internet, give her your best. Does the woman that you love, the woman she is the rest of the time when not having an "episode" deserve that?

Only you can make that choice. God be with you my friend, whatever your decision.

I agree with this "Being

I agree with this "Being bi-polar is a sickness and not something she has a choice about, and certainly does not mean that is who she is deep down.", but not putting effort into getting proper treatment IS a choice. I had to leave my ex but not because he was sick, because he didn't really want to get better, being sick was a great excuse. I gave him all the resources he could need, hooked them up with a counselor, found a psychiatrist for meds, and even helped them find a job with medical benefits. But he chose not to use those resources, I had to leave for my own sanity, being around someone who wasn't helping themselves and was always negative and bitter wasn't good for me, and wasn't a good situation for my child to be in. My ex is currently living on welfare while I take care of our child, and it is only because I left that I am able to give my child a better life.

I'm given to understand that

I'm given to understand that divorce is only "allowed" when one partner engages in unrepentant adultery or when an unbelieving partner leaves the other.

Matthall, if those are the

Matthall, if those are the ONLY two reasons allowed for divorce, what if a husband is beating his wife?

What if he's abusing drugs or alcohol?

What if he's spending all of the family funds leaving the family destitute?

What if he refuses to work and support his family?

What does God say about that?

If God only allows divorce in cases of adultery or when the unbelieving partner leaves, that's not a God I want to worship.

I'm still studying the Bible

I'm still studying the Bible and am always want to learn more. I will not say that I know all that there is to know about what it says. I don't wish to hijack this thread any more than it already has been, but please, if you would let me know where in scripture you are referring to by messaging me, I welcome your insight. My studies in the bible and on the internet, I've only been able to find that God hates divorce as it is against the covenant made to him. I can see what your saying as falling under the second category. If a husband is beating his wife, he obviously does not hold his love for her or hers for him very high which is not biblical. So he has left her love. Since he does not reform his ways then he also is not much of a believer or he would know the punishment that would surely await him if he did not stop, ask forgiveness, and repent. So I agree.

I have wasted 8 years of my

I have wasted 8 years of my life being married to a man who is bipolar. My husband has been medicated up until last month when he went off his meds for the 1st time in 15 years and it has been nothing short of horrific for myself and our son.

No amount of praying is going to make his wife better. Unless you have been married to someone with the disease you have NO idea how awful it can be. It is an illness but unless they are willing to do the work therapy & medication management it is not worth it.

Sorry you are going through it. If we didn't have a 6 year old together that I have to worry about him being alone with his dad I would have left long ago.

Nobody was using it as a

Nobody was using it as a weapon. But it is a valid point of view. Yes, things could get worse. But....YES, love may save their relationship, marriage, and her life. Only this man and God knows for sure.

Where would we be if everyone who ever could have gotten out of a bad situation to save themselves did so as a rule rather than the exception?

I hope this man finds the path that is right for him. I just hope it is truly the **right** path. It would not be for me.

As do I, and I pray if that

As do I, and I pray if that happens that I have the strength and conviction that I am suggesting the gentleman who posted this to have.

You've obviously never been

You've obviously never been around someone who is bi-polar and refusing treatment for it.

He is in an abusive relationship

Being a Christian doesn't mean being stuck in a situation that is making you sick and miserable.

I'm not christian but I

I'm not christian but I thought that there was such thing as an annulment for marriages that need to end because of abuse.

I agree with no doormat. IF

I agree with no doormat. IF SHE IS WILLING TO GET HELP.

a

Something we are remedying.

Something we are remedying. Thank you all for passing judgement though. I knew I could count on someone from the same group to step up to the attack. You rock! I'm not a perfect person, and yes I sin just like you do. Notice I have not passed judgement on this man, only encouraging him to look at the bigger picture and not give up on his wife. What he does is his choice and he must be the one to make it.

Glad you are so perfect. Wish we could all be that way.

What I love is how people

What I love is how people hear the word "Christian" and immediately start running the other way because "whatever the big judgemental Christian might say it MUST be because he thinks he is better than me". The views I have because I am a Christian are just as valid as any views you may have because you are a step parent, because you are divorced, because you are this, because you are that...at the very least, I'm entitled to have my opinion here just like you. You don't like it, ignore me. But you don't have to bash me.

If you would bother to re-read my post, I hope that you would see that my views are what they are for this reason...they are compassionate for the woman whom he loves and not full of the bile and negativity some people on this forum want to spread. He obviously loves this woman, and he obviously has been through hell trying to be with her. I admitted to not knowing his story and not judging him for his decision. I only asked that if there is strength left to try that he consider it. It is his choice and I feel for him either way and if he should still think that leaving her is the right choice, that is his decision. I will feel bad for them both. It's called sympathy.

Ah, the old "I'm not perfect

Ah, the old "I'm not perfect we all sin" excuse that so called Christians resort to when they're called out on their hypocrisy.

It's people like you that give REAL Christians a bad name.

Remove that sty from your eye before you start to tell others how they should handle their lives.

I find it ironic that some

I find it ironic that some posters that feel its Ok for a woman to leave bc the DH treats the skids better than her, or treats her like the maid and nanny, but tell this guy to work on the rship when the man is living in hell.

After years of trying to

After years of trying to understand my wife I found this article. It has helped me understand. http://gettinbetter.com/anycost.html. It has been my study sheet of sorts lately. I get the religious aspect of marriage, the vows, the sanctity of it all forever etc…I went to catholic school and my oldest goes to catholic school but at this point I feel that me staying with her would be sending the wrong message to my children. They have been witness to the mood swings, screaming, fighting, yelling etc…They have seen me cover for her, cower down to her in a sense. My two boys recently told me they feel sorry for me for having to live with her and her kids. About two years ago I had, had enough. I planned my exit strategy, told my son I was leaving her only to fall for her promises again. My children have not been to my house in a month, I have been in living in my sons room for a month. I have told all three of them I am leaving her and filed for divorce and they are ok with it. They want the “old me” back. Going back at this point would be sending a message to them that I am just being manipulated again.

Good luck and take care of

Good luck and take care of yourself. (hugs)

Marriage is a civil matter -

Marriage is a civil matter - good point.

Actually marriage is a LEGAL contract.

Hence, the reason why atheists can get married, and any and everyone can get a legal divorce even if they can't get a divorce through the church.

My understanding is that the

My understanding is that the medications have such severe side effects that most takes of the drugs go through the day feeling like they're mentally retarded or on some opiate dulling everything in life. My understanding is that it is a very hard way to live ones life. This is why they stop taking them. It's not that they forget how it used to be so much as they just can't stand how they're feeling now. It's a lose/lose choice from their point of view.

Has she ever been medicated while married to you? If not is she willing to be medicated now? You can file for divorce and go through the complete process including any waiting periods at the end of which either party can ask for a final decree.

File for divorce up through the final decree but don't ask for it. Tell her what you are doing and that the minute she goes off her meds you're walking out and if the waiting period is over you're asking the judge to make it final.

Or maybe you're just so sick and tired of the whole thing that its just time to leave in which case since there are no underage children mentioned you certainly have my permission to do so.

I don't know if the religious significance has any relevance for you but it set off a big discussion here. There exists what is usually called a "Legal Separation". This is a document which frees you from each other financially leaving the marriage intact from a legal point of view. I.e. you can't remarry as you are still married. You are no longer in a partnership with her from the human or legal point of view. Legally you remain married but how your particular church, if any, views this you would have to discuss with your clergyperson.

After years of trying to

That said, I think you're

That said, I think you're doing the right thing. Just remember that people who change need to change themselves and have a history to prove that change. Essentially she has lost the trust of you, the kids, and the family for her not treating her mental illness seriously enough to treat it medically.

It's similar to a substance abuser in recovery. They must earn the trust of others before being allowed back into their lives.

Emotionally, my heart goes out to you. Dispite the pain your loved one has caused it doesn't erase the love you have for her. It's going to hurt like hell but let it. Let the pain out by crying when you need to, talking about it, keeping occupied with your other life rituals. It's a day by day process but you'll get there. Keep in mind the outlook if you give in again before she has proven herself to be responsible for her actions. In the least she should be leaving you alone until she gets help. I real hiatus from one another. You both need to clarity and healing.

My mother - my own BM, is

My mother - my own BM, is bipolar. She was a nightmare to live with, and, extremely abusive. I'm older now - almost 40, so when I was a kid it wasn't as well "documented" I guess...but looking back, and after much counseling (on my end), shrinks and psychologists alike confirmed that she was bipolar with narcissistic tendencies. My brothers and I were completely destroyed by this woman. I wish she would have gotten help. I wish she would have admitted she had a problem. I wish she would have just stopped raging, screaming, attacking us - all - the - time - but guess what? It NEVER happened. I had to break ALL contact with her at 18 (well, she threw me out of the house (or rather, I escaped - thank GOD). And she has broken ALL contact with my brothers as well ('cause you know - all her kids were "useless, selfish, ungrateful, lazy, etc...etc.."). So....that's over 20 years now...and from what I've heard through the grapevine, she's STILL THE SAME. Unless someone is institutionalized, and then realizes they're ill - unless they have a complete and total breakdown, and are then built back up - unless they DECIDE to change - trust me on this one...they NEVER change. THEY have to want it. You can't make them take their meds forever - can you? You can't force them, unless like I said, they're institutionalized. In my mother's case - she viewed psychological/emotional illness as a stigma - so she refused to get help. She would rage that we wanted to "put her away." Nothing could be further from the truth. And needless to say...we never "put her away." She never even consulted a shrink. Sorry - that's not true - she ONCE visited a psychologist - during one of her lucid days...and according to her, SHE, was a victim. Anyway...I could go on and on. My point is...Robby, if you've debated, deliberated, sweated-out this decision - well, none of us can tell you what the right choice is as none of us are in your shoes. But it sounds like you're making a tough decision, and the fact that it's tough for you, shows that you care. I know, just from growing up with a bipolar person, what it's like. There is no changing them - UNLESS they want that change. It sounds like you've tried to help her. If this situation is making you ill - mentally...physically...then at some point, you have to choose what to do. If her kids are young, I'd say try and help to get them out of there ('cause speaking as someone who grew up in such a household, my brothers and I needed years and years and years of therapy to undue the harm she caused) - so if they're young - maybe they can get out? But if not then they can just move our. OR maybe they have a bio-Dad - maybe he can step in? It sounds like you walked into this situation and had no idea what you'd encounter. I wish you the best. Sometimes leaving is the best form of self-preservation. Sometimes when a person is drowning, they try and pull you under too. Sometimes people need to try and swim on their own, in order to learn how. I do believe that when someone marries another they should be there "for better or for worse" - but like you said - your kids need you. Maybe you can take a break - a long break - see what happens? Oh I don't know. Honestly I don't - but I wish the best for you - and only you can know what the right decision is.

OP, you said you were raised

OP, you said you were raised Catholic--they would grant an "annulment" due to her mental illness. Otherwise like Orange suggested you can get a legal separation. You do have a way out of the situation while living by your beliefs (if its a real concern for you)

Remind yourself of what is in best interest of your children. Sounds like her mental illness pushed them away from having a relationship with their father. That's far from best interest.

Leopards do not change their

Leopards do not change their stripes. (I know, they have spots) It is time to cut your losses and get on with your life. Even someone with a behavioral disorder has to be held accountable for their behavior and expected to deal with their issues so that their condition does not unnecessarily detract from the lives of others.

Take care of you for a change.

Good luck.

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Finding the strength to leave