My bio son was like this.

Its called tough love. When I kicked out my bioson, I also kicked out my 3yo grandson and could have never seen him again..
Its been 7 years and my son has finally grown into a man and things are good.

If it's your home and property, why do you walk? DH is the one to go if anyone leaves. In the meantime, he does not have permission to build anything on your property. Nothing. I'm going to assume your area has ordinances and would need a building permit. You inform the office that they are not to issue permit.

Stepson didn't get this way overnight, obviously the stepson was and still is exactly who he was when you first said 'I do'. don't know what's taken you so long to get fed up and realize that it's only going to get worse, but that least now you're there. Inform your husband his son is not welcome on your property, in your home or anywhere near one dime of your personal finances. Don't just use it as a threat. Say it and mean it. Your husband has no intentions of ever being 'free' of this troubled adult child. Call your lawyer and get the ball rolling. Your husband has made it clear he will not stand with you and your marriage, so out he goes. Both of them.

I almost ended my marriage after about the same amount of time you're talking about due to circumstances somewhat similar to yours.

I'll spare you the details of my story, but everyone (except my husband) knew his son was using drugs. Thousands of dollars (including MY money) went to "support" this kid at college (failed or dropped most classes). But there was always an excuse, always something my husband could use as "truth" to continue to send the kid more and more money.

End of the story was that I was done with the marriage if he didn't stop enabling his user son. The kid needed HELP, not money. But my husband just couldn't bring himself to leave his son stranded -- flat tire (right), roommate wouldn't pay share of rent (uh huh), another flat tire (mmmm, yeah), too broke for groceries (that was the best one). Eventually the kid got into rehab, has done very well, yet is still unable to hold a job so we're still sending money (which is contrary to the lessons learned in rehab -- he must be completely responsible for himself -- and I worry about that). But it's not anything like the money sieve it was.

You have to decide your bottom line. If this is intolerable to you, what can you do about it? If your husband won't change, then you need to change. And if that means living apart, ok. If it means divorce, ok. But you can't continue to live as you are. Your future is being sold out from under you to support this son who will never amount to anything unless he learns how to take care of himself. And that might mean falling as far as he can fall before he's willing to do anything about it. Maybe he needs to be homeless.

Will he consider counseling? He is damaging this manchild by enabling his bad behavior. All he is doing is teaching him that daddy will always bail him out.

Oh, and the other kids are resentful, whether they say so or not. My stepdaughter is wildly resentful of the money dumped on her brother while she worked her butt off to be a successful grownup.

Since you own the house you do not have to walk away. As hard as it seems right now, you know in your heart you have to put your foot down. Period. Three years ago I was in a similar situation, treated like crap and unwelcome in a house I owned. I banned SD from my home and told DH he could leave if he wanted to. I discovered that the real priority in DH's life was his OWN financial and social comfort, not SD's, not mine. And I'll bet this will be the case with you too.

Present this idea to your dh. Give your ss one month to get a job and/or a place to live. At one month, give him a tent, sleeping bag, and a gift card to the local grocery store. If he did not find a place, he now has one. He does not NEED a shower. And if he wants one he can figure it out. He will not be homeless. He just needs to find a place to put up his tent. And tell dh if he doesn't go along with this idea to move him along, he can go ahead and leave with him. This is CRAZY ridiculous, and honestly it is my biggest fear. I plan to marry my boyfriend when the kids are older and out, but I've seen stories like this and it scares me to death!

OMG I can not believe how much your story fits my story! Ditto on being married for only 1 1/2 years and ditto to dealing with a dysfunctional druggie thief of a stepson. I so feel your pain, frustration and tears!! Like the above poster stated it's time for you to GET ANGRY! That's exactly what I did. I got pissed and left all the while telling DH and his rotten kids to kiss my lily white a$$! Don't get me wrong, I tried everything in my power to make things work. But there is only so much you can do when it is one sided and you don't have the support of your DH.

I am personally here to tell you it was the best decision I could have made. Every since I have left that home, I realized that for the first time in my life, I am at peace in my heart, mind and soul. Little things that use to bother me, I am able to let just roll right off my back. I won't lie, I miss my DH a lot (or I should say I missed what we once had). So there are days of loneliness true, but I quickly am able to remind myself of what I do have and who I still have in my life that do care about me.

Please keep in mind that you did not raise this son of his. You are not the one that created the monster. Why are you being the one that has to feel all this pain and tears? How is that fair to you? Also ask yourself, if this were one of my kids acting this way towards DH, would he put up with it?

Chin up! You are stronger that you realize!

Has your SS ever been evaluated for this mental disorder? If not, that's just cruel. Medication can be a huge help, including bipolar. I agree with you, this is no doubt a codependency situation and your DH is getting something out of this. I hope you can explore this with him in counseling.

We were also afraid that my SS might try suicide. It was a legitimate concern. He fortunately never did, not to my knowledge did he threaten it. But if he had, we would have immediately called a suicide hotline or other authority for help. They will do an evaluation, perhaps admit him for observation. It's not the kind of thing to fool around with -- he threatens, take him seriously every single time and call the emergency folks to intervene. You should hope that he has to spend some time in the psych unit for observation and evaluation. He needs it.

I am hoping I understand this correctly. Your husband has said he will support his son forever. He has the money to do so. You have a great relationship as long as his son is not in and around your home. His son shows no signs of being responsible for himself, ever. Your husband is OK with that as is demonstrated by his enabling.

Would a possible solution be to have your husband set up a trust fund for his son using his own finances under the condition that he never ever live or come into your home? Your husband needs to understand from you that it is YOUR home. Unless and until your husband makes arrangements for his son, with his own finances, that does not involve his son coming into your home for any reason, your husband should find other living arrangements. You do not have to be angry when you present this to him. It will mean much more if you are dead calm and logical. And mean it. You need to protect yourself as it appears your husband won't.

If your husband has not seen a therapist, he sure needs to (as long as he is willing and will listen). You probably need a therapist as well to help you and also an attorney. The most important thing is that you protect your assets and keep them separate from your husband.

His son is a dangerous person given his addiction and his probable associates (others who will steal and hurt someone to get what they want---a fix). I know all too well this scenario. It appears that you have very few options, the best one for yourself at this point is removing yourself from the relationship even if temporarily, because of your husband's relationship with his son. You need a breather and some time alone to think things through.

P.S. I have a couple of friends who have difficult adult children whom they basically pay to live elsewhere. They can afford it and it gives them peace of mind.

I am amazed at how many SMs are out there who have experienced the same thing as you have AND I have! Luckily, SS21 after finishing rehab last Fall decided to live at a halfway house. I reached the end of my rope last summer after 3 years of his drug use and dh's enabling and wanted to walk, but, like you, my condo is mostly MINE. I thought if ANYONE should leave, it's SS21! Anyway, stand your ground. It's your house and let dh know you will tolerate no more! I know what it's like to love a dh, but still want to end it due to a loser, drug addicted SS. UGH Luckily, he's gone now, but it took a while for dh to realize I was disengaged and he didn't like it. He still wants to talk about his son (loser), but finally has "gotten it" that the ONLY thing I want to hear about his son is that he has either gotten a job or joined the military! He keeps saying how his son is mentally ill (whatever). I asked my counselor if he truly WAS ill after giving her details of what he was like and she said, "No. He's a drug addict which usually stems from having mental issues." So, there IS a difference. He is now on medications for those 2 things, but still isn't working. He managed to get a job just to lose it in TWO days! Dh thinks I should be more compassionate and understanding (blah, blah, blah), but I've had enough. I have my limits and told dh if I had to go through what I went through last year, I'd leave. Plain and simple.

Best of luck to you. Stand your ground and I agree with the others, if your dh HAS the money to pay rent for his kid somewhere, let him do it. We don't have that kind of money, so that wasn't an option for us. But, at least your marriage would survive, but if it's your dh's enabling you also can't stand, then that will effect your marriage anyway. Dh actuallly asked me if I lost respect for him last year and I said unequivically "YES". I had seen him do the tough love thing with his son before and last year wasn't doing it. It WAS effecting my feelings for him.

Keep us updated. You are by far not alone.

Back to add: Of course if this guy had mental issues and addiction issues he should get help. BUT he is an adult and you cannot force him. If he does not ask for and want the help you are wasting time, money and emotion. Studies show it takes an average of 10 times through re-hab for it to "take" and that is if they person really wanted help.

My step son was the same way, ended up in prison for 7 years at the age of 19, he has been on parole for 14 months now and still is not much better. But HE DOES NOT LIVE HERE. I would rather my (guilt ridden) husband help him out enough to keep him out of the house than to have to live with him. Just my opinion and it works for me.

I hope you find a solution that helps you get some peace.

Have you tried hooking him up with social services? Does he have a treating psychiatrist who could help? He could do well in a group home, possibly, with supervision, he could be taking meds and enjoying quasi-independence.

Try NAMI, or your county or state mental health agencies. It might take some doing but it is better than constant aggravation.

Just curious, but why back away slowly? Why drag it out if you have made the decision? Wouldn't it be better to just do it, move n and start a better life? The longer you wait, the more chance you have of talking yourself out of it. I don't see a reason to wait other than you hoping that things will miraculously change. Give yourself a short term deadline to get your business together and do it, you will have a better life to look forward to.

Ahh SS are so great aren't they? Good to know I'm not alone;

Wow, this is awful. Nothing you say to him will change his behavior. Although with all the gift cards out there, why can't your husband use gift cards if he wants to enable him? There is gas, grocery store, even entertainment, iTunes, amazon...that way he doesn't have cash for drugs.
I am glad you are seeing a therapist, I hope it helps. I know how men can tell the therapist what they want to hear, but they still get to hear from the therapist and hopefully some of the advise will sink in.
Regarding your house, I would get Video security cameras. I just saw some wireless ones at Costco that look really nice, they have night vision and outdoor ones too. I have Logitech security cameras. They are a little big compared to the ones at Costco, but you can still hide them and watch what happens on your phone or computer, same with the ones from Costco. I caught my SD stealing with one. The problem is that you can't tell your husband you are getting cameras and you should gather evidence and not share everything as you find it. You can also use it if you are gone and he brakes in, you can call the cops and share your evidence.
Good luck